Crazy Plant Lady

Before I explain the photo here… I have to explain the obsession…

When I was 7, my parents had taken my sister and I to the local game preserve. This was back when kids were still allowed to pet animals and you didn’t need hand sanitizer… We had gone into the petting area and I fell for this lovely llama they had. I was petting him a long time and when I turned to walk over to another animal, I felt a head bump me in the back. It was the llama! I had no food, so I assumed that he just wanted more love. So I pet him some more and again, when I turned away, I got bumped in the back. Everywhere I walked, he followed me! It got so bad, my mother had to open the gate so I could run through and she slammed it shut behind me. If not, he’d have followed me all over the whole preserve!

Yesterday, while running errands, I saw this random llama in town… Not something you see every day! Turns out the library was reading a kids’ book about llamas for story time, so these local guys brought their llama for the kids to meet. I had to stop! I went right up to him, was petting him, put my arm around him and got this selfie (that I cropped myself out of)… Seems I still have a way with llamas after all these years! And it turns out I know the people who brought him, so I can go visit Gabe (that’s his name) whenever I feel like it to get my llama fix!

So… I have some weird obsessions aside from llamas…

Pens are a huge one… When I go to any store that has pens, I literally have to walk through the pen aisle or I just don’t feel right. And any pen I find that tickles my fancy, I feel this uncontrollable urge to buy it. I’ve swiped pens from people, banks… If someone is using a pen I like, I’ll go on and on about how cool a pen it is until they (usually) give in and offer to give it to me. That’s horrible; I shouldn’t do that. But for some reason, I do. The funkier the pen, the more I feel I need it.

Just the dream and the wind to carry me…

I also have an obsession with sailboats… I’m not sure why. I think I must have been a sailor in a past life or something…

There’s just something so calm and serene about sailboats whether you’re watching them or sailing on them. They’re beautiful! I have so many sailboat objects in my house, even a charm for a necklace. I add them to my paintings a lot as well. And I’ve loved the song “Sailing” since it first came out.

I also love the ocean… I love the sound of the waves, the feel of the salt in the breeze, the feel of the sand between my toes on the beach… There’s nothing better than going for a twilight stroll through the surf to make you feel relaxed and tranquil.

Violets, a Norfolk pine and Frank, my money tree

I also have a bad obsession with house plants and outdoor plants…

I grew up in a very rural area. It was so rural, in fact, that we had a rural drive number for an address until I became an adult. The land we lived on was once all farmland owned by my great grandparents. Their house was owned by my great aunt, my grandmother had a home on the land and so did we. We had small patches of woods and a creek running through the property. And a lot of wildlife! I loved where I grew up.

My family wasn’t exactly normal…

My great aunt used to take in birds with broken wings, set them with popsicle sticks and first aid tape until they healed and she released them. My uncles used to bring home all sorts of wildlife, including a baby possum they caught. It hung by its tail from the waistline in my grandmother’s cellar until she told them to get rid of it, haha! It does explain why I had done similar things… In high school, I even took care of a newborn mouse, left behind by the mother, and fed it warm milk every few hours with an eyedropper. My mother wasn’t happy about that. She was terrified of mice and snakes.

More of my plants, including a bonsai I bought yesterday

In any case… My great aunt was a whiz with plants. Every year, she planted a huge garden (which got smaller as the years went by and her arthritis got worse). She grew everything at one point. Corn, tomatoes, potatoes, all varieties of beans and lettuce, carrots, radishes, beets, peas, broccoli, cauliflower, cucumbers, watermelon, cantaloupe, zucchini, pumpkins and other squashes… She’d also plant tall flowers in the garden as well as around the house. My sister, mother and I helped all summer long. And in the evenings, we would go pick buckets full of wild black raspberries in June and red ones in July. My mother and grandmother also loved to plant flowers and had flowering plants. My grandmother had a huge lilac bush (my favorite flower) that was amazing!

The newly repotted Phil and bamboo I bought yesterday

Thankfully, I inherited the green thumb…

I have crazy rosebushes (see one of my previous entries) in the front and back, a lilac bush, azalea… And I can’t seem to stop myself from buying new houseplants every time I find a new one that I think is beautiful and would look great in my house. No matter where I’ve lived, I’ve always had to surround myself with plants and flowering plants. I grew up surrounded by nature and it seems some things never change. I still love nature and just try and stop me from digging in the dirt…

A Man Ahead Of His Time…

Yes, I’m watching The Twilight Zone again…

If you really examine these episodes, aside from getting a bit of a Nazi-esque feel from them (conformity, wanting perfection of race, some flat out have to do with ex Nazis or neo Nazis). But, aside from that, Rod Serling was a man ahead of his time. Some of the topics he touched upon way back in the early 1960s are topics that are actually issues today. Sometimes it’s as if he was able to see into the future…

Today’s episode was one of my favorites, “Number 12 Looks Just Like You”. For those who have never watched it, it takes place sometime in the near future (Rod pulls the year 2000 out of a hat, which is comical in a way). The government sends brochures to those turning 19 so they can make a transformation into one of the models pictured. Okay, I have to do this… BWAHAHAHA! The government actually paying for cosmetic surgery! Good one, Rod…

Everyone is thrilled to make this transformation and be beautiful/ handsome, except for poor, homely Marilyn. She doesn’t want the transformation and wants to “stay ugly”. Her family is concerned for her, thinking she must be a very sick girl for not wanting to have this procedure done. Wow, how dysfunctional is that… Normal family would be supportive of her decision to not have it done. And they’re damn good reasons, too. She doesn’t want to look like everyone else and doesn’t want her life to be as meaningless as everyone else’s. She feels there’s more to life than electronic baseball and discussing where to buy your clothes. The transformation also changes how you think and feel, you see…

Marilyn’s mom, Lana, decides to do what any normal mom would do if their child didn’t want to be transformed… She takes her to the doctor to find out what’s wrong with her daughter. Mother of the year material right there!

The doctor runs a test on her brain (which was good) and had asked Marilyn if her late father, who she adored so much, ever told her transformation was bad. Her reply was, “Not exactly… He said it was tragic…” Lana explains her late husband had some rather non-conformist ideas. This is when the doctor decides to keep her at the hospital, find out why Marilyn doesn’t want the transformation and make the necessary corrections. Sucks to be Marilyn… She’s getting it done whether she likes it or not it seems…

While in the hospital, she gets a visit from her mother, Lana, and friend, Val (number 8, the one chosen for Marilyn).

The scene often cut out on television (probably because of it being a trigger) is when Marilyn flips shit on Val and explains that the story of her father dying in a war was false. Her father killed himself after he had given in and had his transformation done because he felt he had lost his identity in the process. Of course, Val is appalled by this and, like everyone else, is such a bubble head since the transformation that she can only comprehend happy thoughts. That’s fucked up…

While trying to escape, Marilyn ends up walking right into the “operating room” (it’s nothing more than a table with a plastic bubble that comes down over the one being transformed) and into the hands of the doctor and his nurse who think she’s changed her mind. Marilyn is screwed, now… She’s getting transformed and there’s no escaping it now… She fought so hard and it was all for nothing. Shit’s gonna go down either way you look at it.

In the end, Marilyn comes running out to show off her “beautiful” new look to her mother and friend and utters those words, “And the nicest part of all, Val, I look just like you!”

At this point, Marilyn turns to the mirror to admire herself, Rod Serling tells us, “Portrait of a young lady in love… with herself…” Truer words never spoken. The transformation makes you “beautiful” on the outside, happy and narcissistic.

Rod Serling wasn’t very far off…

We have pills to make us feel happy and change how we think and feel. Facial cosmetic surgery has been around for a long time, even back in those days… People would get facelifts to tighten their skin in a vain attempt to look younger (and it just made them appear as if their skin was pulled overly tight) and nose jobs to make their noses smaller or more attractively shaped. And it just branched out into crazy areas from there… Changing eye shapes (and color with contacts), brow lifts, cheek implants, chin implants, getting rid of flab in the neck and jowls, collagen injected into lips to make them fuller, botox injections to get rid of frown lines, injections to get rid of laugh lines… The receptionist at my doctor’s office gets the latter and, after the injections, it looks like someone socked her in the mouth and she’s so black and blue it looks horrible. I don’t think it’s worth that…

And it didn’t stop there…

Liposuction came along… Now, admittedly, no one wants to go walking around with a flabby gut and muffin top. Midsection fat is also a health risk as that particular fat causes more strain on your heart for some reason. But liposuction is a dangerous procedure. Have you ever watched it being performed? It’s brutal! No wonder there are people who have suffered various organs getting punctured accidentally. The doctors just blindly jam that tube in your gut to get out the fat cells.

Let’s not forget boob jobs…

I seriously don’t understand this procedure. For one, you can always tell fake boobs from a mile away. They’re too round, too perfect… They can stand up without a bra… But, as someone who was cursed with naturally large breasts, I don’t understand why women get this done. Boobs are heavy! I mean really heavy. It honestly feels like you are carrying cantaloupes around on your chest. Your upper back muscles constantly ache and, if you’re unlucky like me, you’ll have muscle spasms from them…

Last but not least… Ladies and gents, I present to you the Kardashian ass…

This has got to be the most ridiculous cosmetic procedure I’ve ever seen. Why would you want a gigantic ass?! When did this become attractive?! And I’ve heard of some pretty awful things happening with ass implants… like a cheek blowing out… I can’t imagine how that must feel. Yikes!

No offense to those who choose to take this route…

I can’t say anything about taking pills to make you happy. I take them myself (because I have a mood disorder). And I won’t say I’m happy with myself. I’ve got flab where I wish I had none (it’s my own fault, I’m too lazy to diet or exercise), big boobs kill your back, I’ve always despised my naturally curly, frizzy hair and I’m seeing lines on my face I wish weren’t there because it reminds me I’m getting old… The only things I can honestly say I’m vain about it my teeth (hey, healthy teeth are a good thing) and trying to tame my wild hair so I don’t look like I stuck my finger in a light socket. But the rest of me…? It’s just how I was made. I’m comfortable in my own skin… And I hope we never become a society so fixated on appearance that things end up becoming a real life episode of The Twilight Zone…

I Went Missing For A Bit…

I went missing there for a bit…

Actually, I wasn’t missing; I was nursing a sick bunny. Poor Oreo got very lethargic and just wasn’t eating much or doing anything. At first I dismissed it as nothing, maybe the fresh greens of the day before didn’t sit well. Day 2 I thought maybe it was the weather. It literally rained for an entire week. I don’t know about anyone else, but a week of rain makes me lethargic, too. By the 3rd day, I knew something wasn’t right, so I did a little investigating on the internet. What I saw wasn’t good. Bunnies can get GI issues that can kill them and Oreo was starting to have some of these issues. I called the vet and had to make an emergency appointment (they’re bunny doctor was booked all week) and rushed right down, beating myself up. Hadn’t I done everything right for my fluffy little friend? Where had I gone wrong…?

After a talk with the vet, I realized a lot of things…

I hadn’t done anything wrong. I told her everything in Oreo’s diet. When I eat salad, I make sure I share the carrots and I only eat Romaine lettuce. I know not to give iceberg lettuce to a rodent because it gives them the runs. I give lots of timothy hay, timothy pellets, dried fruit treats and other bunny approved treats. She assured me I was giving the correct diet. Bunnies just sometimes get a sluggish gut. I also learned Oreo weighs a pound, is still a baby, more than likely a mix of dwarf and regular rabbit (small ears like a dwarf, but the face is regular rabbit) and… Oreo is a boy… Actually, I’m not upset about that, just surprised. I never saw any balls, so I assumed female. No wonder… When the vet showed me (Oreo did not like having his balls handled), she had to dig under a lot of fur and folds to show me.

So I had a lot of work to do the past how many days… I had a special supplement powder I had to mix up and syringe feed to my little friend several times a day. It looked like goose shit (same color, too) and smelled bad. He fought me on that and we both wore a lot of it. I also had to give gas drops and another med to promote gut movement. He wouldn’t take the pain med at all. It’s not easy syringe feeding a bunny or giving meds the same way. And I had to get him to try and exercise. Thankfully, I have a galley kitchen, so I was able to block off the entrance and let him hop free. But I still had to give incentive to move… I goosed him in his little cotton tail!

It wasn’t very convenient… The dogs were able to keep out of the kitchen, but cats can always find a way. It was hard to keep them out of the kitchen despite my blocking the entrance with tall objects. I had been toying with the idea of buying a used playpen to get exercise. I was lucky enough to find one in the paper for $30 that’s in great shape! He seems to like it and enjoys having meet and greets with the dogs and cats through the mesh as much as the other animals do! And you’ll be happy (I hope) to know that Oreo is back to his old crazy bunny self!

Thankfully, Oreo gave me a good excuse to get out of that party I was invited to that I didn’t want to attend… When I explained what happened and that I had to feed him several times a day with a syringe, I was told it was all good, she understood what it was like to have to take care of a sick animal. Really…?! I seriously doubt that…

Several months ago, my cat, Sebastian, started experiencing blockages in his bladder. Kind of the feline equivalent of kidney stones. After 2 blockages and a catheterization, he got blocked again (all this in the span of about a week). I had to rush him to the vet, which is 30 minutes away, in a snowstorm for emergency PU surgery. In a nutshell, a cat’s urethra gets very narrow through the penis (which explains how it can easily block). The surgery requires removing the penis (and balls, the poor guy) and rerouting the urethra lower and stitching it fast to the abdominal wall. So, more or less, they gave my cat gender reassignment surgery, in a way. It was a mess… Sebastian was on so many meds and I got bit a lot before finally getting a pill shooter from the vet. He was constantly high on the liquid pain killer and wasn’t eating. He had to stay confined because he couldn’t control the new urethra yet and would just pee all over. Besides, it was safer to keep him from the other animals… Every day, I had to change pads because they were full of pee and blood and once a day I had to wash and put KY Jelly on “Frankencrotch”. No shit, his crotch looked like Frankenstein, all stitched together… I had to use dry shampoo to wash his pissed up fur and when the stitches came out, I had to give him a bath in baby shampoo because he was so gross. He also needs special prescription food that’s very expensive (and took me forever to find a brand he liked). The only good thing is that the surgery stressed his heart enough to detect a previously undiagnosed issue. He now takes heart meds every day and is much better. But it was a little over 3 weeks of living hell. I don’t think she knows what it’s really like to take care of a sick animal…

In any case, my not wanting to go to her parties has been going on for years…

Every time I attend, she ends up ignoring me, even if no one else has arrived yet. Sometimes she behaves as if she’s annoyed that I’m there (which makes you wonder why I’m invited). I honestly think the only reason I get invited is because, every time, she asks me to make deviled eggs because I “make the best deviled eggs”. It’s not like she doesn’t know how I make them, do it yourself! I’m beginning to think she looks at me and just sees a giant deviled egg…

Several years ago, I was at said friend’s home with another of our friends (before she passed away from cancer) having a girls’ night. This was shortly after my birthday, which is why I think we had gotten together… In any case, I was going through a very rough period in my life and was feeling down and very insecure. I needed to talk about it, get some advice I desperately needed. But instead, my friend looked me right in the face and, in a matter-of-fact tone, told me, “You know, ever since you turned ___, you’ve turned into a crabby old bitch.” Um… excuse me?! Did my friend seriously just come out and tell me I was a crabby old bitch?!

This is nothing new…

Years ago, she had asked me to go with her to the hospital because her daughter was having a mental moment and had to go to the psych unit. I guess that, because I’m bipolar, I would understand or be sympathetic. I don’t know what she thought… And so I went. Let me tell you, it’s not a short process. You will sit there all day, waiting to find out if your loved one is being admitted or not. And so I did… I sat there over 8 hours with my “friend” and the entire time, she was messaging people she played an online game with that she didn’t know in real life about the situation and telling me how wonderful and supportive these people were. By the time I left, I’d seriously had it… I ran into her sister in the parking lot and was asked what was wrong (she knew I was pissed). Needless to say, her sister was pissed as well that my “friend” was so unappreciative. A few days later, said friend texted me to thank me. Apparently a family member flipped out on her for not appreciating me being there for her. But I didn’t care… Her thank you meant nothing to me at that point…

Now, I’m a firm believer that cutting out negative people from your life may not be the best idea, depending on the circumstance. You don’t know if that person is negative because they’re crying out for help and it’s their only way to show it or if they’re truly just negative because that’s just how they are and it’s without reason.

But toxic people… like my so-called “friend… That’s a different story. People who are selfish, unappreciative, use you for their own purposes (whatever they may be), aren’t there for you like you are for them and just treat you like shit in general… they just have to go. I do a good enough job on my own of feeling like I’m not worth anything. I don’t need help…

So I’ve decided… Tranquility in my life is more important to me. If that means I’ll end up with no friends, so be it. I need to take care of me first. And that feels pretty good…

and She Said…: The Musical

Perhaps I shouldn’t have captioned this picture that way… I sang excerpts from A Chorus Line back in my junior high chorus. Now I have “One” running through my head. I want to hop on my piano and start playing and singing, but it’s too early and I don’t want to wake the neighbors. I don’t think they’d be very pleased with me…

Anyway… A few entries ago, I had the idea of doing an entry about music and decided today was that day! I think it’s because of recent events… On one of my sites, I met a person calling themselves Beach Boys Fan. I’m a huge fan of theirs (I grew up listening to them) so I decided to check out this profile. Turns out it’s a teenage girl from Russia, I believe, who listed a lot of 70s artists as her favorites. I asked if she would like me to compile a list of good 70s tunes. She was so excited! Next I’m making an 80s list for her.

I’m a crazy music fanatic…

There’s very little music that I’m unfamiliar with, to be honest. I pretty much love all kinds from all eras. I even love classical, big band, opera… The only genres I’m not keen on are rap and country. Well… it depends on what type of country. In the 70s and 80s, a lot of it fit in with the pop charts and I do like that. I always say my dirty little secret is that I like John Denver (don’t spread that around). I even like a little modern music, but not much. It all sounds the same and very unoriginal. And, of course, I do like foreign music. As I said in an earlier post, I have a fetish for Japanese rock and pop. I also own this great CD by a French singer who is just wonderful! I also have some Korean and Filipino tunes, thanks to some friends.

I’ve also developed this nasty habit while listening to the radio…

More often than not, all I need to hear is one note or one drum beat and I’ll blurt out what the song is and who performed it. This is followed by whoever happens to be with me getting awe struck and frustrated at the same time and demanding, “How do you DO that?!?” I don’t know… I think it’s just because I’ve heard so much over the years. I’m constantly listening to music and, after a while, it’s just embedded in your head. Or maybe I’m just weird. Either way is good…

I have this odd talent for finding songs that I don’t know the title of or the artist.

Case in point, there was this song that I’d heard on a rerun of WKRP in Cincinnati years ago. I remembered hearing the song on the radio constantly and loved it, but I knew nothing about it. I listened very intently and, to me, it sounded a bit like The Grateful Dead. Now, this was years before the internet became a thing and Shazam was decades away. Instead, I went out and bought a few cassettes (CDs were still new and expensive) and came up empty. The next time I went to buy a cassette, it dawned on me. That episode was made around 1978, so I should look for a Grateful Dead album of the same year. I bought the one pictured above. When I got to the third song, bingo! It was the song I wanted! And did I feel stupid… The song and album have the same title, “Shakedown Street“…

Another WKRP song that was annoying as hell to me was a bit more challenging…

Paul McCartney has a distinctive voice, so that was easy enough to determine. And though I knew some of the lyrics, again, this was the days before the internet. If you wanted to find shit out, good fucking luck. All I had to go on were the lyrics, “Ooh babe, you couldn’t have done a worse thing to me, If you’d have taken an arrow and run it right through me.” Yeah, that was really not helpful in pre-internet days…

Thankfully, when it comes to music, I do have good fucking luck!

It was a boring day of channel surfing and I found this movie called Oh Heavenly Dog. It’s actually rather cute and funny. It really should be on a “much watch before you die” list. Yeah, it’s PG rated, it’s from 1980 and Benji is in it, but it’s definitely cute. User ratings on IMDB aren’t very good, but what the fuck do they know? People expect way too much from older movies…

Well, wouldn’t you know, I heard an instrumental version of the very song I was looking for! So I waited until the credits ran at the end of the movie and found the the song was titled “Arrow Through Me” by Wings (Paul McCartney’s solo group with his wife). I immediately went out and bought the cassette.

One of my favorite bands since I was a kid is Genesis.

It all began when the song “Misunderstanding“came out in 1980. The content is decidedly unhappy… Poor guy gets stood up by a girl, drives past her house and finds her with another guy. Ouch…

But there was something about the song that had me fixated on them from that day on.

I also had some help from a guy I had a few dates with. He was a huge music lover also, and when he learned Genesis was my favorite band, he gave me an LP he had, the Wind and Wuthering album. Of all their albums, this one is in the top 3 for my favorites. It’s really phenomenal!

And for those who have watched the movie American Psycho… Well… It’s not a movie you want to watch with me. I caught a lot of mistakes between the CD covers and the songs playing at the time (the songs weren’t on the CDs shown). I also tend to flip out on the TV every time he says that the Invisible Touch album was genius, the best Genesis ever produced and that anything before their album Duke was crap. I usually yell at the TV that Wind and Wuthering was genius and Invisible Touch was mid 80s fluff. I don’t know why I argue… Patrick is obviously a psychopath. What the fuck does he know about music…

Now, I know digital (or CDs) are the preferred method of listening to music. Personally, I prefer vinyl. That’s obvious to everyone who knows me. I own well over 700 45RPM records and as many LPs. If I see boxes of vinyl at a flea market, yard sale or see an ad in the paper, I’m there. I have a serious problem…

But, despite what others may tell you, vinyl has a very warm sound that you literally can’t capture digitally. Some argue this point, but I really do feel that vinyl has a warmer sound. The best example of this is the Chicago album pictured here (their 10th). I have this album (it’s mint) and I have a CD of their greatest hits. I’ve played “If You Leave Me Now” on both and the vinyl has a warmer, richer sound quality.

I’ve also conducted the same test with “Wishing You Were Here” (on their 9th album) and got the same results… Interesting factoid on this tune… The backup vocals were performed by Mike Love, Al Jardine and Dennis Wilson of The Beach Boys!

In any case… when it comes to my vinyl obsession, I can usually find some gems no matter where I go. But the other weekend, I found the ultimate rare gem!

When I was in high school and first met my best friend, she introduced me to this band I’d never hear of called Pickins… Apparently they were a local band back in the late 70s (the copyright is 1979) who played local bars. From what I was told, the only way you could get the only record they ever recorded was to either get it from the band themselves or win it from a radio contest. My friend’s mother had loved the band and gotten her copy the latter method…

The first time my friend played it for me, I fell in love with this album! I had her make me a copy on cassette and listened to it all the time!

When the day came that they made turntables that you could hook up to your computer to make digital copies, I borrowed the album from her mother and made 3 copies, one for each of us. I eventually had to make myself another copy because I wore mine out…

Now, outside of myself, my friend and her mom, I didn’t know anyone who had ever heard of these guys. I was beginning to think that the album I copied was the only one still in existence. Until I hit the flea market…

I was shocked into breathlessness when I saw this in the crate of albums (for only $2)! I immediately pulled it from the jacket and examined both sides… Oh, it was gorgeous! It’s mint, as if it’s never seen a needle! It’s a bit difficult to tell from a picture, but trust me, there isn’t a mark on it. To me, perfect vinyl is a thing of beauty that nothing compares to. It’s exciting when I find any record this perfect!

Sadly, it’s hard to find any information on them, let alone any of their songs. However, someone was kind enough to upload the songs to YouTube so I can spread the joy of Pickins…

I managed to find “Ain’t Never Coming Back“, “Musta’ Been Love“, “Time Can Only Move You On“, “Rock ‘n’ Roll Woman“, “Still In Love With You“, “It’s My Life” and “Down“, the entire album! Holy hell… I find that amazing!

I hope you guys enjoy Pickins as much as I do… For a local band that I had never heard of before, it seems more people know of them than I thought! So take a listen and, if you do, let me know what you think of them! Maybe I’ll create more Pickins fans!

So what types/genres of music do you, my dear readers, listen to? Are there any bands or songs you love so much and want to recommend? I’m always up for some great new music! Leave a comment, let me know!

I Need A Zen Moment…

A friend once told me, “When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave people wondering how you did it…”

Most days I don’t think I can ever make lemonade, let alone orange juice…

Buddha once said, “Do not dwell in the past; do not dream of the future. Instead, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” It’s good advice, really… The problem is figuring out how to follow said advice.

Yesterday was a very stress filled day…

It was one of those days when I sit and wonder if I should have turned right instead of left, when I wonder if, maybe, I should have done things differently with my life…

I wouldn’t say that I hate my life, but, a good portion of the time, I’m unhappy with it. I know, if I’m the unhappy, change things. But sometimes it’s not that simple. I wish it was…

That doesn’t mean I can’t change small things, I suppose…

I feel like I need to reexamine my life. I need to find out what makes me so damned unhappy, change what I can, and do my best to accept the things that I can’t.

On occasion, when I’m unhappy, I reinvent myself. They’re never very big changes… Once, when I was in one of these moods, I decided to add a third piercing to my ears. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it really made a huge difference. I also have this penchant for dying my hair when I feel I need a change. I’ve been a brunette (my natural color), a blonde, a redhead… Not long ago, I decided to dye my hair dark purple. I wanted to go funky before I was too old to do it. It really perked me up.

But I’m out of room in my ears for new holes and I don’t have the funds to dye my hair again. Besides, I doubt either will do the trick this time…

So I’m wondering… What do other people do when they feel unhappy and need to make changes in their lives? What do they do when they need to feel better about things when they’re not sure where their lives are going and they feel they have no purpose?

My Insane Existence…

Today is just one of those days… I figured I would share something personal, since I normally don’t…

This is the front of my house. Yes, I live in a shitty row home, for now…

I realize my arborvitae is severely overgrown… It was when I first bought this house, but it’s since gone insane to the point that, if I prune it, it’ll be just branches for quite a while.

When it wasn’t quite so… fluffy… I planted a tea rose bush that I bought at a bargain outlet. I didn’t expect it to grow at all, considering where I bought it. But, over the years, it went crazy! Oddly enough, I never did anything for it. I never gave it fertilizer, sprayed it to keep away bugs… nothing. Now, as you can see, the whole front of my house is covered in a pink spray, it’s grown up through my arborvitae and is a few inches short of reaching the roof. Crazy, I know. But it looks pretty…

“Modern Maleficent” (c) kitsuyuutsu (contest entry)

There is one advantage to having a crazy ass rose bush…

The neighborhood I live in isn’t exactly a nice one. I can’t tell you how many times the kids living here have hit my house with some sort of ball and would then proceed to tramp through my flower bed to retrieve them. But now, with how thick the branches are and how large the thorns are, the kids were having to come and ask for me to retrieve their balls. I was not kind; I was very stern. Now they avoid my house at all cost, which is nice. I’m a bit like Maleficent when she made those huge thorn bushes grow in front of the castle to keep out Prince Philip, hahaha!

Actually, I’m pretty sure the kids here are convinced I am Maleficent in disguise…

My house is quite the zoo…

This is my dog, Nobu (I was lucky to catch this awesome derp face). He’s a Shiba Inu who is now 12 years old and has dementia. I also have a red one named Miko who is 3 years his junior and is shaped like a furry barrel. She really needs to go on a diet…

I also share my home with 2 cats. This beautiful bit of marshmallow fluff is Sebastian. He recently celebrated his 8th birthday. He’s lucky he did… He had recurring urinary blockages I’d been getting treated. One day it had gotten so bad, if I hadn’t taken him in for surgery, he would have died that day. He’s the sweetest cat… I couldn’t let that happen… I also have a female black and grey tabby named Haiku who is only 3.

Aside from the cats and dogs (as well as 2 beta fish), I also share my home with my latest addition… my rabbit, Oreo.

Isn’t she cute…? She was an Easter present and I was instantly in love! She was so tiny, soft and adorable! This picture was taken soon after I got her. She’s grown some, but she’s still not as large as I’ve seen some pet rabbits grow.

Oreo has been a huge help to me. I suffer from a lot of anxiety as well as a massive fear of germs, depression, OCD… You name it and I pretty much suffer from it. But my little cotton-tailed friend, here, has helped me to overcome some of my issues, to a degree. Baby steps, right…?

The odd thing about where I live is that the front of my house looks like I live in a hood, but the backyard is another story… There are lots of trees, a creek and a lot of wildlife.

Sometimes I get a visitor…

This insane bird showed up one day and began attacking the windows in my back door… I had no idea what his problem was and was unable to get a good look at him for days. I finally saw him and identified him as a catbird. They’re very territorial around the areas they nest in, which explains the window pecking, I suppose…

Needless to say, he gives the cats something to do. They watch him intently when he visits. So does my female dog, Miko. I, on the other hand, started feeling a little like Tippi Hedren in that weird old movie, The Birds… That’s why I named my feathered “friend” Alfred, after Alfred Hitchcock. I thought it was rather amusing. Sadly, not many people get the joke as to why I named him Alfred. I didn’t think it was that difficult to grasp, but oh well…

It’s no wonder I’m not very productive most of the time…

It takes a lot to keep this zoo running smoothly. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my furry (and aquatic) family.

Although there are some days that I wish I could walk through my house and do normal chores without them under my feet and up my ass…

Shh… I’m In Hiding…

A few days ago, I wrote about the crash I experienced after being manic for about four days or so…

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this can happen, and often does, even if I don’t recognize it at the time. I’ve even come to terms that, often times, I’m extremely irrational during these crashes. But that’s okay, the rationality returns right after the crash has come to an end and I return to my normal semi-depressed, kind of “meh”, state. Well… most of the time…

I won’t lie… I tend to isolate a lot. But right now, I really want to isolate. Like, I want to forget there’s a world and other people outside the door of my house…

I think most of this came from the events the day of my crash…

At the time, I was in a state of hysterics. I was crying uncontrollably over the things my mind was obsessing about at that time, feeling the world would be better off without me in it and felt totally out of control of my own thoughts and emotions. This is not a good place for me to be. I’m a major control freak and that includes what I think, how I feel and whether or not I display those feelings (if I allow myself to have them, that is). Thankfully , my mind is usually rational enough to know I need help and should find some somewhere.

That morning, I had sent a text message to a friend I’ve known since I was 16 (it’s been a lot of years, but I won’t say how many). She’s always known me very well. She knows a large part of the fucked up shit that was and is my life. She knows I’m bipolar and accepts me for that and for the asshole I can sometimes be.

Last year I had a horrible meltdown. It was so bad, she had to come pick me up (I couldn’t drive like in that state) and I constantly apologized because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. She seemed surprised I should say that and assured me I was not a burden. I still felt bad for burdening her, but I felt a bit better after she told me that.

Time to reevaluate my diagnoses, perhaps…

In light of that, I felt I could text her that day. I asked her if she had off of work that day (her job was closed due to plumbing issues) and she replied yes and no. She had some online work to do and some appointments that day and asked what was up. Now, being in that state of feeling like I was being a burden again, I replied, “It’s okay, it’s nothing.” Her response was a simple “okay” and nothing more. This upset me even more. I know she knows me better than that. It told me that she probably figured something was wrong and just didn’t want to deal with my crazy. Wow, that’s what I get after that many years of friendship, huh…? Thanks, asshole…

I texted another friend, one I haven’t known nearly as long, frantic to get some help for myself…

The messages pretty much went the same as they had with my other friend (with the exception that this one had to go to work soon). But when I had said it was nothing, she immediately asked what was wrong. I asked if she had time to talk and she made time for me and stayed on the phone with me until I was feeling better. I think a lot of that was due to the fact that she, too, is bipolar and understood, without me mentioning it, that I was crashing. I can’t express how grateful I am to have a friend like her… Once, when I was feeling down, she came to visit me and brought me a present. She had just finished knitting a scarf that I told her how much I admired it and she gave it to me to cheer me up. I wrap up in its comfort every time I feel down.

But back to the first “friend”…

I was angry… I admit it. After being friends most of our lives, she knows me well enough to know when something is wrong. I felt like she blew me off… It’s not the first time. I’ve helped her through some really hard times over the years and yet there were quite a few times she wasn’t there for me. I can’t say I never realized she was an asshole because she never was, not like this. And even now, almost a week after the fact, I’m still angry with her and have been isolating. I’ve even isolated myself on social media, mainly because I just don’t need anyone’s shit…

Next weekend, my “friend” is having a party. At least once a year she has a party at her house and I always go. I’m not sure why… Every time she has a party, she’ll wait until a day or so before and ask me to make deviled eggs because “you make the best deviled eggs”… I’ve found that people tend to snarf mine down before anyone else’s at picnics or parties (really, I don’t do anything that special), but at her parties, I’m the only one making them and once I had to cook 4 dozen so we would have enough! She knows I don’t have money to waste on things like that… Besides, it’s your party… Why am I the only person besides you making food?! For real…?!

But deviled eggs aren’t why I don’t want to go…

At every party, she tends to ignore me (no matter how many people are there) and behaves as if I’m invisible. Jesus Christ, if I’m such an annoyance to you, why the fuck do you invite me? For deviled fucking eggs…?! And with how I’m feeling right now, with all the other stresses in my life right now, I just don’t need her shit or anyone else’s. At this point, I’m considering not attending, even though the party is for her daughter. That’s just not enough of a reason at this point for me to put on my happy mask and attend, considering the circumstances…

Right now, I feel very conflicted and I’m not sure why…

When someone treats you like dirt, they’re not your “friend”. So why would you want to spend time with or socialize with them…?

Or maybe I’m still just feeling very irrational… I’m not sure what to think at this point. So if anyone reading this has any thoughts or opinions… advice… I’d love to hear it. I could use it right now…

Turning Japanese…

Here I go, dating myself again… I really try not to do that. I don’t like people to know how old I am (it’s old). Well… I think I’m old… And for as much as I like to keep that hush-hush, I make random blog entries that pretty much scream my age. Hey, I never said I was smart (all the time). I was a young kid when The Vapors came out with their one hit wonder, “Turning Japanese” back in the 80s. It’s a bit of a stupid song, but it’s so catchy that I’d run around singing it all the time.

Even Kirsten Dunst got in on the act when she sang “Turning Japanese” for a quirky video in which she dons a blue wig and looks a lot like the character Hatsune Miku. Seriously, it’s a video worth watching. She’s traipsing all over the city dressed as she is in this screen shot and some of the weird looks she gets are totally priceless!

I think it’s safe to say that the Japanese craze began when anime first made the scene in other countries. My first introduction was Speed Racer (Mach Go Go Go in Japan), the live series Ultraman and, my personal favorite, Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman (Science Ninja Team Gatchaman) pictured here. Being an artist, and having some poor examples of animated characters at the time (Scooby Doo, Yogi Bear, The Flintstones, etc.), the animation coming out of Japan just blew my young fucking mind. The more realistic appearance of the characters, the beautiful backgrounds, the effects… mind you, all hand drawn (no computer animation back then).

In fact, it was Gatchaman that made me decide that I wanted to be an animator. I’ve wanted to be one all my life. Sadly, I never got the chance, but I’d still love to do it one day, even if only for a hobby.

Granted, the majority of animation today is done on computer, but the Japanese still blow everyone else away. Their attention to detail, their use of light and shadow… And, my personal favorite, the flamboyant gestures, such as the one LeLouch Lamperouge from Code Geass is making in this hypnotic GIF… I can’t stop watching it!

One form of Japanese entertainment that is finally beginning to make it to other countries is music… When I was young, my mother had this 45rpm record from the 1960s titled “Sukiyaki” (the original title was “Ue o Muite Arukou) simply because it was easier for people in the US to pronounce. I used to try so hard to imitate what he was singing because I loved the song so much. It was beautiful! And, oddly, deceptively cheerful (the lyrics tell another story). At that time, it was the only modern Japanese song in the US. I believe it’s still the only one to make the charts. Give it a listen, it really is lovely…

But, thanks to anime and their theme songs, Japanese music (J-Rock, J-Pop) has become incredibly popular in other countries.

Music is universal… It doesn’t matter if you understand what they’re saying; the message still comes through…

My favorite group is L’Arc~en~Ciel, a band started the year I graduated high school and one of the most popular in their own country as well as a shit ton of others. They’re phenomenal! I highly suggest taking a listen.

Lucky bugger that I am, I got to see them live at Madison Square Garden when they did their world tour! As you can see from the picture, I was hell and gone from the stage…

They were the first and thus far only Japanese band to headline the main venue at Madison Square Garden. It was literally an historic event and I was part of it! It’s something I’ll never, ever forget! I went way out of my comfort zone… I went on a charter bus, I went to New York City, my claustrophobic ass was surrounded by people… Talk about anxiety! And these are the only guys in the world I would do it for. Guys, you should feel special for that…

While I do collect a lot of cute (or kawaii as they say in Japan) items, I also have a fetish for more traditional items. Specifically, kokeshi…

This is an old photo of my collection… I have quite a few more, now. And it all began with the small red one, second in from the left in the front. My sister-in-law had a layover in Tokyo and, knowing my love of Japan, brought back quite a few small items, including this kokeshi. She started something that day that has grown into quite the obsession…

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to make it to Japan to experience it for myself…

Until then, I guess I’ll just have to satisfy myself with getting my hands on whatever I can. Thankfully, I have a Japanese friend who is nice enough to buy me things when she visits home…

And so the fetish continues…

It’s Just A Matter Of Time…

I really should stop watching The Twilight Zone… But if I did, where would some of these random thoughts come from…?

There are a lot of episodes that deal with the concept of time travel. In episodes such as “Back There” and “No Time Like The Past”, the message is that you can’t change events in the past because they already happened and are set in stone, if you will. However, this morning’s episode, “Of Late I Think Of Cliffordville” is a totally different scenario. Perhaps he was able to change events in time because he had made a deal with the devil…? It’s a good question…

Then there is the ever popular Back to the Future trilogy.

Marty McFly was able to change the past, which greatly improved his future (at least in the first movie). Granted, he had to endure his mom falling head over heels for him and her jumping him in a car…

Yet another issue with time travel, I suppose… You might inadvertently hook up with one of your ancestors. Eeew… Hopefully it wouldn’t be one that was so closely related like it was for Marty.

Even the animated Futurama touched on traveling to the past. Fry meets up with the young version of his grandfather (who seems suspiciously like Gomer Pyle) and, after a series of near fatal accidents, decides he has to protect his grandfather to insure his own existence. But in doing so, he accidentally gets him nuked (oops). Yet he’s still alive… We find out why later, after he’s bumped uglies with his grandmother. Fry becomes his own grandfather! That in itself is gross, but I’m wondering how in the hell that wouldn’t have fucked Fry all up because he’d be so inbred…

So this all has me thinking… If time travel to the past really was possible, would you be able to change past events? And, if you could, would or should you…?

Imagine being able to go back in time and you could change things… You could prevent Lincoln or Kennedy from being assassinated. Or you could assassinate Hitler before he rose to power and saved a shit ton of Jewish people. It sounds good in theory, right? Especially assassinating Hitler… Think of how many people wouldn’t have been killed in battle or concentration camps because, without Hitler, there wouldn’t have been a WWII. Possibly… It’s not a guarantee. And besides, you have no idea what kind of effect it would have on the future when you came back. The world would obviously be changed, but that’s not to say it would be a change for the better.

And let’s say that that your actions, the ones you thought would make life better did fuck up the future and make it worse…

Well… I guess you would have to go back in time yet again and try to fix whatever had caused a worse future for you. But that, too, could cause more issues, so you would have to continuously go back again and again and again until you could fix everything and make it right.

Always hoping the next leap is the leap home…

Damn… you’d end up being Sam Beckett. You’d be continuously leaping through time and hoping that each leap will be the one that takes you home.

If you’ve ever watched Quantum Leap, you’ll know that they really left us hanging on the series finale… No one knows whether or not Sam ever made it home or if he just kept on leaping. Considering that there was always something to fix, I assume he never made it back…

So… for the few of you who actually read my random drivel (thank you for reading, by the way), I want to know…

If you could travel back in time and change something, would you do it, knowing that the consequences could be dire for your future?

And, if you did decide to try and change something about the past, what would you change and why? I’m curious as to what people think would be worth changing… So leave a comment!

The Earth Without Art Is “Eh”…

Before I begin today’s randomness, I want to give a shout out to Ilari for being the first person to follow and She Said…! Sorry if I embarrassed you, but I think the first person to take a chance and follow your crazy blog is a big deal to be celebrated!

And so, you get one of the GIF files I made of my favorite J-Rock star, Tetsuya… Hello and welcome to the randomness!

Today’s title is a saying I think anyone who has been on Facebook (which I unaffectionately call “Facepuke”) has seen at one point in time or another… I like this saying, that the Earth without art is “eh”.

Imagine if there had never been such a thing as art in this world. How boring and unimaginative this ball of dirt would be! And how colorless! Not to mention that we probably wouldn’t have some of the technology that we have today… DaVinci didn’t just paint pictures, he drew designs of flying machines and all sorts of interesting mechanics. Even cave drawings… Crude as they are, they really gave us a good look at what life was like for neanderthals.

In case you haven’t guessed, I’m an artist (or I like to think I am, anyway). The above drawing of the girl at the drafting table is not mine, but the one to the left, here, is. In fact, this is one of my favorite digital drawings.

I’ve been drawing since I was old enough to hold a drawing implement in my hand (which was probably a crayon, but I remember using a pencil at the age of 4… because parents weren’t safety crazy then). And ever since I can remember, Japanese anime was my inspirational style. I’ve always been crazy about Japan for some reason, but that’s a story for another time, I think… I’ll have to remember that…

Music plays a very important part in my art and always has. It’s very inspirational!

Take, for instance, “Strawberry Letter 23″… Props to The Brothers Johnson for making such a cool, funky tune! It was written by one of the brothers when he was only 17 about a girlfriend he had with strawberry stationary. Throughout the song, he keeps mentioning “strawberry letter 22”; the title the anticipation of the 23rd letter’s arrival. I went a little bonkers on this one… Every piece of paper she’s tossing is numbered and begins with, “Hello my love”, the first line of the song. This is also one of my favorite digital drawings. The program I use allows me to make some very interesting and funky effects.

However, I don’t just create digital drawings…

I also, on occasion, do traditional drawings such as this one. It actually had no title up until now. I created this as a birthday present for my darling friend, Mall, who is a professional artist. Sadly, I’m the opposite. I’m the stereotypical “starving artist”. I’m not a professional, famous or make a lot of money, if any at all. But I digress…

It was my friend Mall who inspired me to push boundaries with my art and introduced me to this incredibly wonderful and diverse product known as washi tape. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a type of paper tape developed in Japan that has beautiful designs printed on it. Mall uses it often in her work, so I decided to try it as well. She very much loved her birthday gift!

Most people who have seen my washi tape works, like the mermaids, asked me if I was insane. How did I have the patience to cut out all these tiny pieces of tape?!

I can’t answer that… I have no idea where I get the patience. Usually, I have none whatsoever. But when it comes to my art, I seem to have an awful lot. It makes no sense, but I go with it…

I also dabble a bit with painting…

Years ago, after I had just finished high school, I discovered the PBS show, The Joy of Painting. I began watching it to get some art tips (plus Bob Ross had this soothing voice that would mellow me out) and one day decided, “I can do that!” So I did…

At the time, I wasn’t exactly rolling in dough… Paint and brushes were expensive enough, and canvas was at that time as well. So I used the next best thing… my sliding closet doors. I also used the door to my room as well. Thankfully, my mom was okay with the idea. Actually, she enjoyed seeing these huge murals I was painting. Over the years, my style has improved greatly, but it’s still not exactly where I want it to be just yet…

So… I’ll get a little personal here…

This is where the “magic” happens, with the exception of my painting (due to lack of light and room). This is my drafting table which, as you can see, is a cluttered mess. It doesn’t just hold art supplies. It also holds whatever things I find interesting and inspiring. It’s also surrounded by pictures of my favorite J-Rockers since they, too, are a large part of my inspiration. And this is clean compared to how it used to look. Honestly, it makes you wonder how I was able to work at all…

I have very little space for an art area, which explains all the clutter…

I actually only have a small corner of my bedroom dedicated to my art. I only have a small space to walk between my drafting table and the entertainment center that houses my little goodies as well as my art supplies (see the boxes on top, they’re full of washi tape). It’s may be a small corner, but it’s mine. And it’s better than nothing, right?

But just because I have an “interesting” space to work in doesn’t mean that I’m always inspired…

Every artist experiences blocks from time to time. However, mine have been like The Great Wall of China blocks. I’ve literally drawn little to nothing for several years. There have been some stresses in my life, a surgery… and stupidity… Good god, was there a lot of stupidity! The majority of which was on that lovely site I call “Facepuke”. The stupidity, the hate, people having these political arguments that make you grateful they didn’t run countries or they’d end up blowing up the entire Earth. For two years, I didn’t go on “Facepuke” at all. And something amazing happened… I was inspired again! But then I was stupid and started going back on social media and my inspiration died. I’ve decided it’s time to get the fuck away from that poison site for a while. And no sooner had I made that decision when bam! Inspiration has returned!

Well… hopefully I’ll have something good to show you sometime very soon…

In the meantime, I’m going to finish my vanilla latte flavored Frosted Mini Wheats (oh my god, they’re fucking delicious!) and get back to work on my latest self portrait. I don’t use real pictures as avatars or profile pictures… ever… I’ve worked very hard to remain the “cyber shadow” known as kitsu, kitsuyuutsu, reverse girl, kizza… A whole plethora of monickers, actually. That’s the reason for my self portraits. At least they look similar to me…

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