A few days ago, I wrote about the crash I experienced after being manic for about four days or so…

I’ve come to terms with the fact that this can happen, and often does, even if I don’t recognize it at the time. I’ve even come to terms that, often times, I’m extremely irrational during these crashes. But that’s okay, the rationality returns right after the crash has come to an end and I return to my normal semi-depressed, kind of “meh”, state. Well… most of the time…

I won’t lie… I tend to isolate a lot. But right now, I really want to isolate. Like, I want to forget there’s a world and other people outside the door of my house…

I think most of this came from the events the day of my crash…

At the time, I was in a state of hysterics. I was crying uncontrollably over the things my mind was obsessing about at that time, feeling the world would be better off without me in it and felt totally out of control of my own thoughts and emotions. This is not a good place for me to be. I’m a major control freak and that includes what I think, how I feel and whether or not I display those feelings (if I allow myself to have them, that is). Thankfully , my mind is usually rational enough to know I need help and should find some somewhere.

That morning, I had sent a text message to a friend I’ve known since I was 16 (it’s been a lot of years, but I won’t say how many). She’s always known me very well. She knows a large part of the fucked up shit that was and is my life. She knows I’m bipolar and accepts me for that and for the asshole I can sometimes be.

Last year I had a horrible meltdown. It was so bad, she had to come pick me up (I couldn’t drive like in that state) and I constantly apologized because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. She seemed surprised I should say that and assured me I was not a burden. I still felt bad for burdening her, but I felt a bit better after she told me that.

In light of that, I felt I could text her that day. I asked her if she had off of work that day (her job was closed due to plumbing issues) and she replied yes and no. She had some online work to do and some appointments that day and asked what was up. Now, being in that state of feeling like I was being a burden again, I replied, “It’s okay, it’s nothing.” Her response was a simple “okay” and nothing more. This upset me even more. I know she knows me better than that. It told me that she probably figured something was wrong and just didn’t want to deal with my crazy. Wow, that’s what I get after that many years of friendship, huh…? Thanks, asshole…

I texted another friend, one I haven’t known nearly as long, frantic to get some help for myself…

The messages pretty much went the same as they had with my other friend (with the exception that this one had to go to work soon). But when I had said it was nothing, she immediately asked what was wrong. I asked if she had time to talk and she made time for me and stayed on the phone with me until I was feeling better. I think a lot of that was due to the fact that she, too, is bipolar and understood, without me mentioning it, that I was crashing. I can’t express how grateful I am to have a friend like her… Once, when I was feeling down, she came to visit me and brought me a present. She had just finished knitting a scarf that I told her how much I admired it and she gave it to me to cheer me up. I wrap up in its comfort every time I feel down.

But back to the first “friend”…

I was angry… I admit it. After being friends most of our lives, she knows me well enough to know when something is wrong. I felt like she blew me off… It’s not the first time. I’ve helped her through some really hard times over the years and yet there were quite a few times she wasn’t there for me. I can’t say I never realized she was an asshole because she never was, not like this. And even now, almost a week after the fact, I’m still angry with her and have been isolating. I’ve even isolated myself on social media, mainly because I just don’t need anyone’s shit…

Next weekend, my “friend” is having a party. At least once a year she has a party at her house and I always go. I’m not sure why… Every time she has a party, she’ll wait until a day or so before and ask me to make deviled eggs because “you make the best deviled eggs”… I’ve found that people tend to snarf mine down before anyone else’s at picnics or parties (really, I don’t do anything that special), but at her parties, I’m the only one making them and once I had to cook 4 dozen so we would have enough! She knows I don’t have money to waste on things like that… Besides, it’s your party… Why am I the only person besides you making food?! For real…?!

But deviled eggs aren’t why I don’t want to go…

At every party, she tends to ignore me (no matter how many people are there) and behaves as if I’m invisible. Jesus Christ, if I’m such an annoyance to you, why the fuck do you invite me? For deviled fucking eggs…?! And with how I’m feeling right now, with all the other stresses in my life right now, I just don’t need her shit or anyone else’s. At this point, I’m considering not attending, even though the party is for her daughter. That’s just not enough of a reason at this point for me to put on my happy mask and attend, considering the circumstances…

Right now, I feel very conflicted and I’m not sure why…

When someone treats you like dirt, they’re not your “friend”. So why would you want to spend time with or socialize with them…?

Or maybe I’m still just feeling very irrational… I’m not sure what to think at this point. So if anyone reading this has any thoughts or opinions… advice… I’d love to hear it. I could use it right now…