Well, it seems that I’m suffering from that “lovely” soul-sucking depression… again…

Yesterday I lust laid on the sofa, watched about a half dozen episodes of The Twilight Zone then spent the rest of the day watching a House marathon. Then I ended up passing out and taking a four hour nap… I know, that sounds crazy. I usually take a fairly good afternoon nap (thanks to my meds) but when I sleep from 4:30-8:40PM then fall back asleep before midnight, there’s an issue. A serious issue…

It was a rough day… I was really missing my dog, Nobu… I was talking to a friend of mine who was confused because the things I missed were the things that had been driving me nuts (his dementia induced anxious behavior). My other dog, Mike, is also in a state of depression and wasn’t eating. But in my case, there’s also the added guilt… I did this, and no one else. My choice… I know it was the right one, but it still brings with it incredible guilt. I told someone (and paid them) to kill my dog. How can you not feel guilty for that?!

So, as I’m sitting here feeling guilty, depressed and lonely, the only bubble I had going was burst…

The day after I said goodbye to Nobu, I was losing it. The house was too quiet… I decided to call my realtor friend and asked her if she could show me a house I had my eye on. Thankfully, she was able to. If I wasn’t enough in love with this house from the photos, I was even more in love when I took a tour of it. And, because I had caught it early, I thought I had a jump on it. Nope… She contacted me that there was another offer made… The asking price is within my financially do-able zone. But with house buying, there always seems to be someone that can outbid you, especially now since the market is better.

So it seems I’m stuck in the “hood”…

When I first moved here, it wasn’t that bad. But, in the 13+ years I’ve lived here, it’s gone from fairly pleasant to ghetto in zero seconds. A disreputable company began buying up the homes in this “hood”, brought in people from bad parts of neighboring (small) cities and… you can see where this started going. Drug raids, parties that end in shots being fired and people being stabbed… And this is in a very small town of less than 3,000. And the “governing force” of the town is quite corrupt and refuses to deal with things. The mayor herself referred to this hood as “every town has a blemish”… Nice…

I often ask myself, “Why me?!” Religious people will tell you that God’s answer to that is, “Why not you?” I always felt that was a cop-out rather than an actual answer… Besides, I’m an atheist, so that doesn’t apply here anyway.

I feel like someone dealt me a shitty hand of cards at the beginning of my life, was told to make the best of them, but they’re so shitty there’s literally nothing I can do with them. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have none at all. Going into detail just brings on more depression but, suffice it to say, it’s as if I’ve been cursed. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this, but it must have been something really bad. Or, perhaps, it’s because I try to be a good person that I always get the short end of the stick. I see horrible people getting the best in life and truly good people get the shitty end of the stick…

In case you haven’t guessed, I’m a pessimist…

I’ve had many people tell me, “You know, if you’d be more optimistic, good things will come your way.” *sniff sniff* I smell bullshit!

In all fairness, these people probably do believe that. And maybe that’s how life works for them, but it doesn’t for me. Besides, I have severe depression. So when I hope for the best and the worst happens, it deepens my depression to ridiculous levels. If I expect the worst or have no expectations and things don’t work out as planned, sure, I’m upset, but not as badly. And if the best happens, I’m pleasantly surprised, which is a nice change…

Just once, I wish something would work out in my favor…

I’m tired of being trapped in this bottomless chasm of depression I can’t escape from. And I’m tired of only bad things happening. I think it’s about time that something good comes my way…