Wait, before you say, “Fuck this, I’m not reading this…”. this is not an entry about the song “Physical” by Olivia Newton John. I never really cared much for that song, really… The video stands for something I absolutely hate (exercise) and… I’m really dating myself again by admitting this song came out when I was a kid. I’m old… I feel even older than my actual age and that’s something that I really don’t like to spread around too much. My mind, on a good day, feels 16. Too bad my body doesn’t…

No, today’s entry is going to be about mental illness. Particularly, one I share with a lot of other people, apparently…

I don’t want to sound like a bitch when I say this, but I notice that my entries that get the most notice are the ones that discuss my bipolar disorder and depression… That’s disheartening… Honestly, my inane entries give you a better insight to my mental state. That was the whole purpose of my blog, to give you guys a look inside the crazy thoughts that constantly run through my mind and, hopefully, entertain you with how incredibly fucking weird they can be. Oddly enough, it seems that people would rather read about my bipolar problems. Is that so you don’t feel so alone in your own mental illness? I’m puzzled by this… I mean, I know I’m not alone. I know you guys aren’t alone… Why wouldn’t you want to read about something that will make you laugh or make you think?

Well, whatever… Misery loves company, so they say. I guess it’s true…

One thing I’ve noticed about people who don’t have a mental illness and really don’t understand them is that they don’t realize it’s not all just mental. It can be physical, too. For me, stress, depression and anxiety usually manifest in horrible muscle spasms in my back (though I suspect that my upper middle back spasms are caused by big, heavy boobs). I can usually feel the tightness building and have to be careful. If I move the wrong way, bam, I get horrible, painful spasms.

It can also cause other issues, some of which can really fuck you up…

You can have digestive issues, headaches, body aches, shortness of breath, chest pain… And, if you’re not careful, it can lead to real problems, such as heart disease (due to the strain if stress and anxiety on the heart). Once, when I went to the doctor, complaining of not feeling well for a few weeks, she did an EKG and then sent me to the emergency room. Turns out there was an odd dip on the EKG and she wanted it checked. I spent 5 long hours at the hospital, just to have the doctor tell me that it wasn’t that concerning a dip. I asked if stress, of which I was under a shit ton of at the time, could cause it and he said it could. Just what I wanted to hear…

But my issues aren’t simply bipolar disorder (the mania and depression). I suffer from crippling anxiety, which I take a good amount of anti-anxiety meds every day, and crippling OCD. Both seem to go hand in hand…

At first, my OCD was just nothing more than constantly checking things, like to see if I locked the front door. Over the years, my anxiety grew as I felt like nothing in this world was in my control. Not a good thing for a control freak (that I’ve always been) to realize. So to ease that awful feeling, my brain, thinking it was doing me a favor, gave me something I had control over. That’s when the real issue began… I created “safe zones”, places where germs didn’t enter. I was fine and seemed normal while I was out and about, but, when I came home, I would have to shower, wash my hair and put on clean clothes before I would even think about sitting on my sofa (that’s just one example). And, if something needed to come into my safe zone, I need to wash it first. I also obsessively wash my hands when I touch things in my house I don’t consider clean, I count (when I pump out soap or stir my coffee) and I sometimes sing to ease the anxiety. I know my thoughts are irrational, which causes more anxiety and that causes more OCD… Round and round, never ending…

And, to a certain degree, I’m a bit of a sociopath…

I once mentioned that to my psychologist. He didn’t disagree… Sociopaths have a bad rep. Unlike what crime shows lead you to believe, not all sociopaths are murderers… We just don’t feel like everyone else. For example, unlike psychopaths who don’t understand emotions and can mimic them flawlessly, I understand emotions, I have them… but I don’t feel them for others. This is why I hate being in the situation of offering condolences for someone’s loss. I understand why they feel sad, but when I tell them I’m sorry for their loss, it doesn’t sound genuine. That’s because it’s not… I’m not sorry you lost someone (hey, we all have) and I don’t feel sad just because you do. That’s my biggest issue, lack of empathy. It causes a lot of issues sometimes…

Listen… I don’t want to be a downer all the time or constantly write about my mental issues. They don’t define me and, honestly, this blog was made more for an escape from them.

If you enjoy the entries where I do (surprisingly) share personal things like this… why not check out some of my other entries? Seriously, there are some weird thoughts I jot down sometimes that really give you a good insight as to my random, crazy thoughts. Maybe you’ll be able to forget your issues for a few moments, too. It’s worth a shot right…?