Ugh… Sorry folks, but I’m feeling I have to write another bummer of a blog entry…

But you guys never seem to mind. My entries on my feelings seem to be a big hit. I guess because you guys can relate…? Maybe. I just hate dumping shit and being a downer. Besides, it makes it more difficult to keep up the cyber shadow image… I never use a real picture of myself; it’s always a drawing. I don’t let anyone know much about my personal life and I try to not let on how old I am. But I always seem to fail in the latter area… Ah, well…

Anyway… Before I get into why I’m feeling like I’m not good enough, there are some things I have to explain.

Ever since I was a kid, I was obsessive about cleaning. Yes, I was a weird kid… Even as I got older, I still cleaned once a week, was very thorough and would notice if you moved one of my knick-knacks even a smidge. I was like that for a very long time and then, one day, I just stopped… I think part of it was depression and not caring. Part is because the area I live in is close to industries that make a lot of dirt, so dusting is futile. Plus I had two dogs… The day after everything was immaculately clean, it looked like I did nothing. It was a moot point…

The last I don’t know how many years, my cleaning has been occurring less and less. The reason for this is my knees…

I’ve had problems for many years. I took pain killers, did therapy, had a brace. Nothing helped. And doctors were of no help. Most said everything looked fine because, god forbid, I asked them to do some work. I finally found one that ran tests and found I had osteoarthritis plus a growth deformity (which is why my knees turn in as bad as they do). I hurt all the time. Climbing stairs, squatting… they hurt like a bitch and sound like Rice Krispies. And, most times, when I get down on the floor, I have a lot of difficulty getting up. Dusting lower shelves hurts so bad and the next day I can’t do a thing but lay on the sofa in misery. This is why I don’t clean often.

In any case… I’ve had certain people in my life who have made very nasty comments about the way I keep my house…

Listen, I’d rather have my house feel lived in so people feel comfortable when they come over. I don’t want it to feel sterile like a hospital where people are afraid to sit down or move… You visit me, I want you to feel like you can just flop down and feel right at home. But that’s not how some people would prefer I do things… I hope none of you will ever know what it’s like to have someone literally make comment as to what they find filthy in your home and state that’s why they won’t come to your house. Even if they’re not the cleanest person themselves, this is what they say to you and the mindset they keep.

I should just adopt Bugs’ attitude… If you don’t like it, don’t like me, fuck you… But that doesn’t work in some cases. It’s a bit hard to feel that way when it’s family, you know?

Even if it isn’t family, it’s still hard to adopt that attitude. Being bipolar can do weird things to you… What you want to say is, “Fuck you, I don’t care what you think.” But instead, you say to yourself, “Fuck you for not thinking I’m good enough or I don’t do things good enough, I’m going to prove you wrong, you asshole!” And that’s pretty much what I do… A family member is visiting, one who thinks I don’t do things good enough. Last time, I invited this person over and was told they had a lot to do and probably wouldn’t have time. But they made time for another family member and a friend. So I went crazy cleaning yesterday…

Now I’m wondering why I did all that… You know what? I don’t fucking care. I’m not like those crazy people on that Hoarders show. My home isn’t stacked floor to ceiling with junk, there’s no pet shit all over my floor, I don’t collect jars of my own pee, no massive amounts of rat droppings or roaches. Just the occasional spider, which is more than enough… You won’t catch anything weird being in my house. So why do I care what some assholes think? I guess I shouldn’t. And right now, I’m not going to. Come to my messy house or not, I know that my home is fine. That’s what matters… You’re not going to make me feel sub par…