You know, the worst part about being bipolar and an artist is that it seems you get blocked more than normal artists. I can’t be too happy or too down or everything looks like shit and I get frustrated. But art is the best way for me to express what I’m feeling inside, which was how this self portrait came to be. I was in a really bad, dark place…

But today’s entry isn’t about art or how my process works. It was just something I felt I needed to explain for some reason. Probably because this was the first thing of any importance I’d done in a few years because I was so stressed…

Today’s entry is brought to you by assholes known as “family”…

Come on, we’ve all got them. Some of us have more than others… You could have the sweetest, most loving family in the world or the worst bunch of pricks you’ll ever encounter. Doesn’t matter… When there’s a death in the family, an estate to be settled, suddenly everyone is a greedy fuck who is only looking out for themselves and what they can get out of the deal. And, if you don’t know how to stand up for yourself, you’ll surely get the shitty end of the stick.

I’ve been through this several times already… Mind you, I have a very dysfunctional family to begin with. I’m the black sheep for sure. I have one sibling, a sister, who is five years my senior. Obviously we never had much in common, being so far apart in age. But there was another issue… She was the favored one and felt privileged. In fact, I can remember when we were both teens, she used to take clothes out of my closet to wear without asking. She never got in trouble, but if I had done it, I was read the riot act.

When my grandmother passed away a few weeks before I turned 16, my sister got everything, for the most part. My mother’s reason was that she would move out and have a home of her own before me. The only things that were left specifically for me were a diamond ring (it’s my birthstone) and a lovely, antique pump organ the church had given my grandmother. I loved that thing and played it every time I went to her house. My sister had to store it for me for many years because I never had a place big enough for it. Her husband always asked her to throw it out, but she always told him she couldn’t because it was mine. Well, a few years ago I asked her about the organ and I was told she threw it out. She never even asked me about taking it first. If there was ever a time that I was about to blow like Krakatoa, it was that day. But I didn’t… I think mostly because we had been estranged for years and had just begun having a relationship once her husband passed away. And, when I’m that pissed, I know I need to walk away. I’m afraid of myself when I’m that pissed…

When my great aunt passed, my sister tried the same bullshit… There were specific things my aunt wanted me to have because I was the only one who showed interest and she knew I got the shaft before. I also lived with her for some time to help her because she was elderly. I always spent more time with her than my sister ever did. So when I found out my sister helped herself to a lot of things, I went off the deep end. I got those things back, however the one thing she refused to return was the antique mantle clock. No one knew it even worked until I moved in with my aunt and decided to wind it. I wound it every day for such a long time… My sister and I had a really ugly fight about it and she refused to give it up. If I hadn’t walked away, she’d have been on the ground and my fists would have been all over her face. She never gave it to me and I’m sure she’s since thrown that out as well. In short, she’s an asshole, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now.

Right now, I’m dealing with a similar situation… There’s always that one family member who sees a death as a way to get as much as their greedy hands can get and look at a death as nothing more than dollar signs…

I always had the impression that someone’s passing was something you should mourn, not something you can cash in on. You should be focused on the mutual loss of a loved one and not focus on how you can get the most out of the deal.

Settling a dead family members belongings with your family is like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos… Isn’t that a great analogy…? Everyone tries to grab the most they can as fast as they can and whoever has the most in the end wins. That’s it in a nutshell… But it shouldn’t be that way. In all honesty, I think one reason I’m the black sheep in my family is because I feel that family should be close and kind to one another. I’m envious of people who have that because I never have and I’m sure never will. I got dealt a shitty hand of cards in life and have to make the best of them.

I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress due to all the family bullshit…

Yesterday, I had a complete breakdown and just cried for hours and flipped the fuck out over everything and anything. Which made me feel sorry for my new puppy, Baxter… Poor little guy got his first lesson in “mom is fucking nuts”… I have to admit, for how upset I was and how badly I lost it, I’m glad I did. This has been building up for a while. I keep it buried until one day I just snap out. I lost it so bad, I physically felt awful the rest of the day. But it was worth it, I suppose, to get that release.

I suppose I should congratulate myself for being the most functional in a family of dysfunction…

That’s sad if I’m the most functional one because I’m not very functional at all… I’m sure everyone can guess that from some of my entries…

Sometimes I feel like just cutting ties with all family because it’s just not worth it. They’re toxic to me and that’s the last thing I need in my life. And it makes you wonder… Am I bipolar because of genetics or nurturing (or lack thereof)? They say psychopaths are born that way and sociopaths are made. That explains a lot…

And, just for shits and giggles, here’s the other self portrait I made recently…

Obviously I was in a better place when I made this one. But my main reason for drawing it was because I downloaded a trial of the latest version of the program I use and I wanted to try it. I can upgrade super cheap right now, which I plan to do soon… Anyway… I just thought it would be nice to end today’s entry with a more pleasant version of me and not one that’s dark and full of hate…