Oh, I stole my title for today’s entry… It just fit what I was feeling, which is, I suppose, why that awful song is now running through my head.

Does anyone remember the band Faith No More? Wait, the better question is, who the hell wants to remember them…? They were a terrible group with awful songs… Anyway, today’s title was stolen from their tune “Falling To Pieces”. God, I hate that song… I don’t know which is worse, that or their song “Epic”… It doesn’t really matter. The point is, that line (and the whole song, really) perfectly describe how I’ve been feeling lately. And now I can’t get that song out of my head. Help!

Indecisiveness is probably one of the worst feelings in the world… I mean, sure, some decisions are difficult. How can you choose between A and B when you like both equally?

But that’s not the indecisiveness I’m facing right now… I’m afraid mine is more of the kind where you’re so fucked up you don’t know whether to scratch your watch or wind your butt (see what I did there, using a line from Steel Magnolias?) I’m seriously in such an indecisive state at the moment that I’m beginning to think my best bet is to get a Magic 8 Ball… With my luck, that’s what I’d constantly get, “Reply hazy, try again later”.

I can’t tell you how often I feel like I’m in my own personal episode of The Twilight Zone…

At the moment, I can really relate to the episode “Nick Of Time” where William Shatner (before he was Captain Kirk) was in a small diner and became so obsessed with this Magic Seer napkin dispenser. For a penny (yeah, nothing is that cheap anymore) it would answer yes and no questions. The answers were so spot on that, eventually, he became anxiously indecisive and couldn’t make decisions without consulting the devil bobble head first. I feel much like he did…

One of the biggest indecisions I’m facing right now is whether or not to fix up my house…

When I moved here… Well, let’s put it this way, the people who lived here before me were rejects. They ripped up all the carpet downstairs and laid cheap linoleum tile. To make my life easier, I’ve been buying cheap area rugs, but this time I decided on a bound carpet remnant. I wanted the cream colored one, but this one was neat with the geometric pattern and it looked more brown in the store. So I spent the extra money to buy the patterned carpet.

But, when I got it home, I realized it was more gray than brownish. I hate gray so much… I’m a warm color type of person. In fact, I hate this carpet so much, I cried the next day and just wanted it out of my house because it matches nothing in it. But it was such a pain to lay out… Now I’m stuck with a carpet I hate, loathe and despise that everyone insists it matches everything. Even my mother said as much yesterday. Is everyone fucking color blind?! The flooring is a warm, honey brown, my walls are a dark rust (the accent walls) and an earthy orange! In what alternate, Bizarro universe does this gray shit match?!

Honestly, I’m really torn about my house right now… I’m torn between wanting to repaint the earthy orange to a better color, putting in real flooring, getting a matching carpet… fixing things that need it and updating things because I can’t afford to sell it and buy a nicer home and saying “fuck it” because why put money into it? It’s a crappy row home in a “hood”. If I sell it, the company that owns like 99% of the other homes here will gut it anyway and they pay less than what the home is worth (which isn’t much).

But, by that same token, if I’m stuck here, I’d really like to make it look how I’d like it to look so I can feel good about my home and not be so depressed…

It’s quite the conundrum, don’t you think…? And besides that, I’m so cheap, I won’t even pay $200 to put in the cheapest new toilet I can find. The water here is very hard and, eventually, everything that has water flowing through it gets destroyed. So far, I’ve had to get a new water heater, have gone through a dozen coffee makers… No matter how well you clean, that limescale will get you every time.

So now I’m beginning to feel indecisive in every aspect of my life… To do home improvements or not? To stay or try to get the fuck out of dodge? Hell, I can’t even decide if I want to go to the yearly craft fair this morning because it’s supposed to be so incredibly hot and humid… I wish my brain would make up its fucking mind already!