Home Improvement

Now that all my family drama is over (for the most part), I’ve decided it’s time for some home improvements…

Well… some of the home improvement projects I have in mind are necessary evils… I need to fix the fence surrounding the yard because I’m tired of taking the dogs out on a leash and would rather have them run. And I have a new washer and dryer coming tomorrow because my old washer was shitting out and the dryer wasn’t drying correctly.

When I was still in the “where do I put things” phase…

And there were other necessary improvements to be made… Like when I got this gigantic hutch (for free!) and I had to figure out where the hell to put everything. My dining room was a disaster, things strewn everywhere. It’s still not in the shape I want it to be yet… I’ve acquired a lot more from this family business than I had anticipated. Which, obviously, leads to issues like where the fuck do I put it all?!

For instance… one thing I didn’t know existed was this beautiful set of shallow bowls with an exquisite scene of geishas on it. This is a close up of the large bowl. There are also eight small ones with patterns just as intricate.

On top of that, I also acquired a lot of other dishes, furniture and other things that I really wasn’t prepared to have. So there I was, desperately trying to find room in my small house when there was none to be had.

Worse, I also had to try to keep some room in my hutch for the china that my mother was going to give me. I don’t know how, but I managed to jam it all in the hutch somehow…

Aside from some dishes, knick-knacks, a few quilts and multiple other odds and ends, I also came across this pair of shoes…

I have no idea where they came from. I found them in the bottom of the cedar chest under a huge stack of quilts. They look very old and I can only assume they came from a foreign country, quite possibly bought during one of the wars (WWII or Korean, I have no idea). They also came with this tiny pair of shoes. Are they for decoration? were they a sort of shoe for small children…? It remains a mystery…

Either way… When I saw the detail on the sides of the shoes, I absolutely fell in love with them. I assume they’re Asian… and we all know how much I love Asian things. I just had to have these shoes!

Believe me, it was a hard battle won… When you have a lot of family who all want everything, those that are less greedy get the shaft, especially with mementos like these shoes. Had anyone else gotten them, I’m sure they would have either been sold or ended up forgotten in a closet, basement or attic. I’m sorry, but something so lovely needs to be displayed. And that’s exactly what I intend to do. Honestly, I’d wear them, but I have huge feet and only half my foot fits in them…

I think it was this acquiring of more than I wanted that prompted me to do some other improvements. Especially in my small art area…

I don’t have a studio (though I wish I did). My art area is a small corner of my small bedroom. I have my drafting table in one corner of the room (as you can see) and have a small space between that and an entertainment center that’s only as wide as myself.

It’s hard to tell from the picture, but I have a walkway just as wide between the back of the entertainment center and my dresser. I’m very pressed for space, but I have some plans that may give me the room I need… I’m planning to get rid of my entertainment center as I also acquired a tall, thin bookshelf as well as another that’s a bit shorter and wider that I can use to store my art supplies in.

But before I rearrange furniture and figure out how to set up a proper art studio, I first need to paint…

When I bought this house, the woman who owned it gave the master bedroom to her teenage daughter. It’s difficult to tell in the pictures because I try to cover it, but the walls and ceiling are a dark royal blue with neon yellow splatters. Granted, it’s cool for a teen’s room, and I like the idea… but I detest the color blue. Plus it’s too dark and makes the room feel like a dungeon. I had always wanted to repaint, but it’s going to take a lot to cover it. But I’m motivated now and chose this green for the room.

I’ve also decided to paint the dining room… When I first moved in, I chose an earthy orange (the walls were white and the floor color made it so bland) for the living room. It’s open concept, so that also meant doing the dining room the same color, so I just kept going into the galley kitchen. I’ve painted the kitchen two other times since and painted accent walls in the living room (the paint smelled so bad, I couldn’t finish). But now I’ve decided to paint the living room walls I haven’t yet finished as well as the dining room. I decided on this cheery gold color.

I’ve also decided to decorate the dining room with sunflower things. I already had a few, but now I’m making some decor to hang.

I found this old cutting board… One side was cut up so badly that no sanding would help, so I decided to paint the backside with sunflowers. And no, there’s not a paint smudge on the bottom… I blurred out my signature…

I thought it turned out rather nice and I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it. I was rather surprised. I’ve never really painted flowers before, but I figured what the hell. And there you are…

I found some more wood blocks that were used as platforms as well. This one only has three sides to it, so I decided to hang it on the wall and putt fake sunflowers in the open end. I painted this one yesterday and I also have a wooden step stool (which is more like a box) that I’m also going to paint with sunflowers and set in the dining room. I don’t know where the motivation is coming from, but I like it!

Frankie Say Relax

If you’re old enough to remember these shirts, you’re old like me…

I’m sorry to say, I never owned one of these Frankie Goes To Hollywood shirts… Or the Wham! ones that said “Choose Life”. I did, however, have one that said “Go-Go” on it. I think I may still have it somewhere…

Amazingly, they’re still making these shirts! I’m considering buying one to remind myself to relax, as Frankie is telling us to do… However, he was referring to something entirely different in that song than just simply relaxing in general…

Actually, I’m feeling a lot more relaxed than I’ve been feeling in months…

As you know, I’d been dealing with the greed of family since there was a death of one member. Stupid decisions were made, everyone seemed to want to be in charge, and certain people were grabbing what they could without asking if anyone else wanted it. It was infuriating! But this past weekend, the estate/yard sale took place… In the worst heat and humidity… Amazingly, a lot of people came and it was barely controlled chaos!

You’d be amazed how many people make Mr. Krabs look like a shopaholic… My favorite, I believe, was one woman in particular. I was in charge of knick knacks and such. Things were already being sold very cheap just to get rid of them and many people asked if it was a moving sale, to which I replied that it was an estate sale for a family member who had passed on. This particular woman had heard me say as much, but it sure in the hell didn’t stop her from being cheap…

She was interested in this large, glass oval plate that was beautifully etched with a winter scene. She asked and I told her $2. Really, what’s $2? Like two pack of gum…? Keep in mind, she’d heard why we were having the sale. These weren’t just things someone no longer wanted. This was someone’s life being sold (cheaply). She had the nerve to offer me 50 cents! I told her I couldn’t possibly take less than $2. She put it down in disgust and walked off. I was tempted to tell her to get the fuck out and don’t come back, cheap bitch…

You have no idea how taxing it all was… Or maybe you do. It was hot all weekend, probably close to 90 degrees and extremely humid. And there I was, feeling sick from the heat, slapping on my happy face, smiling, being social and thanking people for taking the remains of someone’s life for a few bucks. By the end of it all, I was so irritable, I was the crabbiest bitch alive. If I had to deal with one more person, I swear I’d have taken a hostage… All I can say is, never again. Next time I’m keeping out of it.

There was an upside… I had been storing a few boxes at the house of this family member (I had no room) and I decided to look through a few during a lull. I was happily surprised to see things I thought I’d lost long ago. I also found a stack of letters that my friend wrote me from college. I found it amusing, so I sent her a picture of the stack. Her reply was that the one on top looked like a mutual friend’s handwriting, a friend who passed about 4 years ago from cancer. Turns out, it was a note from her and I had four others. They made me cry so hard, I had to hide them from myself. Those simple high school days… before we knew what was to come…

By the end of Sunday, I was feeling incredibly emotional. I was overheated, exhausted and just sick of it all. I was out for a smoke and when I went back in the house, I took notice to how empty it felt… I wandered to the bedroom, sat down on the floor and looked around. Before I knew it, the tears came. I wasn’t even sure what I was crying for, to be honest…

I was found in my hiding spot by the one family member I didn’t want to be found by… the one who had been exactly kind or civil to me. At first, he joked and asked if I was in a meditative position because of how I was sitting. I shook my head. He then asked if I was alright and I shook my head again. That’s when he saw the tears. He hesitated, then told me he’d leave me alone. I heard him tell the others, quietly, to leave me alone. After that he’s been very kind… I assume the reason that he had treated me so was my lack of emotion. I don’t always cry over deaths or at funerals. I’m a bit strange… Instead, I hold it all in because there are people falling apart that need support. Someone needs to take on the job and it just so happens that I seem to elect myself every time.

Said family member was also told that I had been so strong for such a long time and it was just my turn to grieve… Perhaps… One had passed almost three years ago, now, and the remaining in May. In between, my brother-in-law also passed. I didn’t have time to grieve for any of them. And, to be honest, I never thought I would. I wouldn’t say that any of us were close (family or no, I’m still the outcast), so I assumed that I would play my role as the strong one and never grieve at all. But I did that evening… And it certainly changed the views of family. I’m not completely cold hearted. I just hold it in to hold everyone else together.

Now it’s all done… I got some very nice things to remember said family by, my family no longer sees me as the asshole they thought I was and I don’t have to deal with anyone’s greed anymore.

Now I can relax… Just relax and remember to just breathe… And believe me, brother, that’s exactly what I plan to do. I certainly deserve it after all this happy horse shit…

It’s Time I Flipped Shit…

Me when I need to deal with family… and people in general…

It’s been a long time since I blogged anything… Let’s just say that my life is turning into a big pile of shit. Just a big pile of shit…

Any of you who have read my previous entries know I’ve been going through some family bullshit with greedy ass relatives. It’s getting worse right now… My meds aren’t doing shit. Well… they have, however, apparently, raised my cholesterol to a level where my family doctor wants to put me on medication. Like I need that on top of it all!

But you’ve all heard the family bullshit before, so I won’t get into that… If you haven’t heard about it, check out some of my other entries.

In any case, today I learned it’s not just family that’s greedy…

For the past two years, the Department of Education has taken my tax return to pay off my student loans. Which is fine, sort of… I mean, I really needed the money, but I get that my student loans needed to be paid. I’m not an idiot or an asshole. And, since I paid a huge chunk in those two years, I wanted to see what the balance of my loans were. God, I wish I hadn’t… I don’t need more stress. I was already on the verge of going postal as it was…

I called Sallie Mae first because they used to send me emails, so I assumed my loan was through them. Nope, they had no info… It turns out they split back in 2014 (when I started college) and said it would probably be the other company. I was given the name and number and called them. Nope, not them, either. I was told that, if my tax returns had been garnished, it was the government. So, once again, I got a number and called the Department of Education. By this point I was ready to strangle someone if I didn’t get my goddamn answers, fast!

Actually, after speaking to a very nice woman, I wanted to strangle my fucking self…

They had my loans, which was now in collection because it had been so long, and I was told I still owe almost $6500! What the actual fuck?! She told me how many loans I had, how much each was for and the grand total (which is almost $1000 extra from going to collections). Now, they already got over half of what I owed, which seemed excessive seeing as how I only attended that shitty online college for 5 months. The nice lady suggested I call them.

Oh, that was a huge mistake…

I spoke to the loan department and was informed that it looked like I attended for an entire year, to which I curtly replied that I did not. Mind you, I was billed for the whole year, but only attended five months. Then she tells me that my drop out date (there was an illness in the family) was in June. I told her it was not, it was in April. I even had to take time off the entire month of March because of gall bladder surgery, so my attendance was about five months. Needless to say, the options she presented me were all means of paying it back, to which I told her I wasn’t paying for college I didn’t attend! Now I need to take it up with the business department. I’m sure I won’t get a call back on that one…

And since I have nothing to lose… I’ll tell you, the greedy mother fuckers work for Full Sail University. Now, I’m not saying all online colleges are bad, but this one…? I can say I learned how to watch YouTube videos to learn how to use programs (which were very buggy even if you followed the video perfectly). I also learned that the concept of there always being instructors available to help you if you needed it was a farce. I was never able to contact 90% of mine for any help at all. You know, I didn’t need to pay so much; I can watch YouTube video tutorials for fucking free…

Full Sail assumes they’re going to get something for doing nothing. They assume wrong… Unlike their other online students, I can spell, use capitalization and punctuation correctly. I was getting excellent grades as well in my art and non-art classes. I’m not an idiot… And if they think this shit is going to fly, they better guess the fuck again. Bring it on, mother fuckers… I’m ready!

Let’s Talk About Sex…

Back in the day, this was a great song. I think it really made people feel more comfortable with their bodies and their own sexuality.

But this entry isn’t about Salt-n-Pepa, the song “Let’s Talk About Sex”, reproduction, birds and bees or even having sex… This blog is about something entirely different…

Recently, I saw someone post an article on “Facepuke” about the state I live in deciding to allow people to choose male, female or “X” for genderless on their driver’s license now… I commented, kindly, to have some idiot respond and telling me that I needed to do some research so that I could understand. I was also told I didn’t understand the pain that gays, transgenders and what not go through. Yeah… I have no clue whatsoever what stigma feels like, because there is none with bipolar disorder… Assholes…

I love how people think they know everything I’m about from one simplistic comment on “Facepuke”… I actually know some people who are gay and bisexual. In fact, one of my closest friends is gay and he’s one of my dearest friends ever. The day I met him, I immediately loved him… There’s also a transvestite living up the street from me. I only have one issue with him… If you want to dress like a woman, fine. But don’t dress like an old hausfrau! Good god, I need to teach him how to dress! Last time I saw him, he was wearing a red, plaid kilt skirt (not an actual kilt, mind you) and a long sleeved, dark lavender shirt! His hair was a frizzy mess and he was carrying a black purse! No no no! I swear he’s fucking color blind… He needs fashion tips! That’s my only issue with him being a transvestite… He makes women look bad…

“She cut off her nose…” “…To spite her face…”

Now, don’t misunderstand the caption I added to the picture above… I’m all for being proud of your accomplishments or being proud of who you are. If you’re gay/bi/whatever and proud of it, awesome! You should be! However, pride can be taken to crazy levels… And, if you’ve ever read The Divine Comedy or watched the movie “Se7en”, you know that it’s one of the 7 deadly sins. Funny that an atheist should talk about this, I know. It’s not that I see it as a sin as much as I see being too prideful as being conceited, which is a trait I don’t care for. Vanity, to a degree, is okay to a point… Being vain about your weight is fine. You want to maintain a healthy one to fight off things like diabetes and heart disease. Being vain about your teeth is fine. Healthy teeth means a healthy you. But vanity/pride can rise to crazy levels sometimes… And it didn’t end well for the woman in “Se7en”, now, did it…?

But back to the subject…

I admit, I have a tough time understanding certain things about transgenders… I don’t believe that parents should allow children to begin the process of gender reassignment before puberty for several reasons. The first is that, at that point, you have no idea if your child would feel differently if they would go through puberty. It changes a lot, including mindset. I think parents should make them wait until they’re mature enough to know for certain. Second… as in the case of Jazz Jennings, stopping puberty turned out to be a bad thing when they finally did the gender reassignment surgery because her genitals were stuck in prepubescence and there wasn’t enough skin to do the surgery easily, which caused issues after the fact. I watched the surgery episodes… It was pretty bad for her…

What I really don’t understand is this… I mean, I’m sorry, I don’t even know what to call it. I think it was a dude? There was some discussion about getting a penis removed, so I’m assuming it was a dude… This person is now famous for wanting to be “genderless” as well as getting a lot of plastic surgery done to look like an alien or something… I tried reading about this and my mind didn’t retain much simply because I found it ludicrous. I honestly think the freakish look was done for the same reason other people sport freakish looks (face completely tattooed, shit tons of facial piercings, face or body modifications) . They’re attention whores… They know that, looking like a freak, is a good way to get attention and a few moments of fame. Hey, who doesn’t like attention once in a while? But this is a crazy way to get it.

If you’re happy and you know it… be surprised…

What truly bothered me, however, is people telling me I don’t understand what these people go through…

I may not understand what they go through as far as an unconventional sexuality, but I certainly know what it’s like to have people not understand you, what you’re going through and be surrounded by stigma. I think all people who are mentally ill have this issue. Doctors don’t fully understand. They only understand the clinical aspect. Hell, even other people with the same mental illnesses as you may not understand how you feel fully. But they’re your only hope of finding someone who gets you and even they may look at you as if you’re nuts. Stigma within your own circle of people…

But you never hear about that…

It’s not as if we’re out there having mental illness pride parades. Can you imagine…? “I’m here! I’m bipolar! I have crippling anxiety and ODC! I need to get over it!” Somehow I can’t see that being a possibility… First of all, no one feels pride over being mentally ill. Second, considering the ups and downs of mentally ill people (especially bipolar people), you’d be lucky if anyone would find the gumption to even show up, hahaha…

I’m sorry if I offended anyone with this entry.

Or am I…?

I’ve noticed that’s a pattern lately. People get offended by literally fucking everything… And they whine and bitch about it, expecting everyone to apologize for saying something they found offensive or ripping them a new asshole for it. Look, everyone gets offended by something or someone. If I find a TV show or song offensive, I change the station, it’s that simple. I don’t flip shit on the network airing it. I just avoid things I find offensive and move on. So I’m hoping if any of you are offended and don’t have anything constructive to say, you’ll just pass over this entry and move on. Thanks…

Isolation Therapy…

It’s no secret that I’m a very pessimistic person… My life was full of a lot of hardship and disappointment. Hope is something that foolish people have, not something I have… I’ve had people telling me that it’s my negativity that keeps good things from happening, that if I believe in Jesus and let him into my heart, accept him as my savior, good things will come to me… That’s a useful tactic for an atheist, right? It’s not that I’ve never tried having hope; I have. But it seems that every time I have hope, my bubble gets burst. You can only deal with that feeling of disappointment and be crushed so often before you feel it’s better not to have hope…

There are so many things I never got to do with my life that I wanted… That’s true with everyone. But I really wanted to make something of myself. Sadly, I was told I couldn’t go to college. I had to get a job and help my mother and her shiftless, then jobless, boyfriend pay bills. I was only a teen, already suffering great depression. I was broken… I mean seriously broken by this. And a pattern of hopes being shattered began.

I had been wanting to make changes in my life for quite some time. I was so sick and tired of my existence of bubbles being burst and disappointment slapping me in the face. But I just couldn’t foresee any changes being possible. It was as if life dealt me a shitty hand of cards… I couldn’t trade them in for new ones like you can in poker, so I figured I’d just have to try to make the best of the shit I was dealt.

Back in April, just for shits and giggles, I went to my car salesman I’ve dealt with before, just to look around. My Yaris had met with a deer (unfortunately) and I had no idea if the insurance would want to fix it. Now, I had my eye on the Chevy Spark for years. I was checking them out and, in the end, I came home that day with a new car! My finances aren’t great, so I never expected I would qualify, especially for one so high tech! I’m still amazed!

Getting my car gave me some hope that maybe it was okay to have hope. But it turned out that I should have listened to the pessimist that told me not to develop a bubble…

When I was looking for a puppy, I had contacted the Mennonite gentleman who had them for sale. I told him which puppy I was interested in and he called me a few days later, the morning of the day I was going to drive an hour and a half to see him, to tell me that puppy was bought. I was heartbroken… I actually cried. But I pulled myself together and asked if he had any left. He had one male and one female from that litter left. In fact, the male he had remaining was the one I had originally looked at online. So I made that long trip and brought home a puppy! One who loves to lay on my lap and/or purse when I’m driving…

I realized something… Maybe my bubbles don’t burst because life has dealt me a shitty hand. Maybe my bubbles get burst because whatever it is I was hoping for simply wasn’t meant to be…

Now that Baxter has been with me for a while, I know he’s the dog that I was meant to have. I wanted one that chose me as much as I chose him and that’s what I got. And he’s a fucking goofball! As you can see, for whatever reason, he likes to play under the dog bed like it’s a blanket! He’s a very quirky little thing! Much like myself…

He’s also helping me with my germ phobia issue… It had gotten to the point where I wasn’t touching any of my animals and would not touch anything in my house, unless it was in my “clean zone”, without washing my hands. And anything in my clean zone had to be washed first. But Baxter has been allowed in the clean zone! Not only that, but I pet him and don’t wash my hands! Maybe he was meant to be my dog, not his brother… It was fate, I suppose…!

Baxter has given me a lot more pep. At first, I found his hyper puppy energy annoying (I was used to a 12 and 9 year old), but now I find it rubbing off on me. I’m feeling energized! And I feel like making changes I want to make, organizing and simplifying. You know, the things depression makes me ignore…

I got this beautiful china hutch free from a friend. My home is a bit small, but I got it in here and made it work! It’s still a work in progress, but I’ve been organizing and throwing shit out like crazy! I’m really feeling pretty good at this point!

But I need a bigger change… I’m looking to buy a new home to get the fuck out of the hood I live in. I’ve been told not to get my hopes up… But I have to have at least a little bit of hope, don’t I? I have to think this isn’t it for me. I deserve better than living in this shit-hole hood. And maybe, if it’s meant to happen, I’ll get it. I’m leaving it all up to karma for now… Wish me luck!

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