It’s no secret that I’m a very pessimistic person… My life was full of a lot of hardship and disappointment. Hope is something that foolish people have, not something I have… I’ve had people telling me that it’s my negativity that keeps good things from happening, that if I believe in Jesus and let him into my heart, accept him as my savior, good things will come to me… That’s a useful tactic for an atheist, right? It’s not that I’ve never tried having hope; I have. But it seems that every time I have hope, my bubble gets burst. You can only deal with that feeling of disappointment and be crushed so often before you feel it’s better not to have hope…

There are so many things I never got to do with my life that I wanted… That’s true with everyone. But I really wanted to make something of myself. Sadly, I was told I couldn’t go to college. I had to get a job and help my mother and her shiftless, then jobless, boyfriend pay bills. I was only a teen, already suffering great depression. I was broken… I mean seriously broken by this. And a pattern of hopes being shattered began.

I had been wanting to make changes in my life for quite some time. I was so sick and tired of my existence of bubbles being burst and disappointment slapping me in the face. But I just couldn’t foresee any changes being possible. It was as if life dealt me a shitty hand of cards… I couldn’t trade them in for new ones like you can in poker, so I figured I’d just have to try to make the best of the shit I was dealt.

Back in April, just for shits and giggles, I went to my car salesman I’ve dealt with before, just to look around. My Yaris had met with a deer (unfortunately) and I had no idea if the insurance would want to fix it. Now, I had my eye on the Chevy Spark for years. I was checking them out and, in the end, I came home that day with a new car! My finances aren’t great, so I never expected I would qualify, especially for one so high tech! I’m still amazed!

Getting my car gave me some hope that maybe it was okay to have hope. But it turned out that I should have listened to the pessimist that told me not to develop a bubble…

When I was looking for a puppy, I had contacted the Mennonite gentleman who had them for sale. I told him which puppy I was interested in and he called me a few days later, the morning of the day I was going to drive an hour and a half to see him, to tell me that puppy was bought. I was heartbroken… I actually cried. But I pulled myself together and asked if he had any left. He had one male and one female from that litter left. In fact, the male he had remaining was the one I had originally looked at online. So I made that long trip and brought home a puppy! One who loves to lay on my lap and/or purse when I’m driving…

I realized something… Maybe my bubbles don’t burst because life has dealt me a shitty hand. Maybe my bubbles get burst because whatever it is I was hoping for simply wasn’t meant to be…

Now that Baxter has been with me for a while, I know he’s the dog that I was meant to have. I wanted one that chose me as much as I chose him and that’s what I got. And he’s a fucking goofball! As you can see, for whatever reason, he likes to play under the dog bed like it’s a blanket! He’s a very quirky little thing! Much like myself…

He’s also helping me with my germ phobia issue… It had gotten to the point where I wasn’t touching any of my animals and would not touch anything in my house, unless it was in my “clean zone”, without washing my hands. And anything in my clean zone had to be washed first. But Baxter has been allowed in the clean zone! Not only that, but I pet him and don’t wash my hands! Maybe he was meant to be my dog, not his brother… It was fate, I suppose…!

Baxter has given me a lot more pep. At first, I found his hyper puppy energy annoying (I was used to a 12 and 9 year old), but now I find it rubbing off on me. I’m feeling energized! And I feel like making changes I want to make, organizing and simplifying. You know, the things depression makes me ignore…

I got this beautiful china hutch free from a friend. My home is a bit small, but I got it in here and made it work! It’s still a work in progress, but I’ve been organizing and throwing shit out like crazy! I’m really feeling pretty good at this point!

But I need a bigger change… I’m looking to buy a new home to get the fuck out of the hood I live in. I’ve been told not to get my hopes up… But I have to have at least a little bit of hope, don’t I? I have to think this isn’t it for me. I deserve better than living in this shit-hole hood. And maybe, if it’s meant to happen, I’ll get it. I’m leaving it all up to karma for now… Wish me luck!