Earlier this week, I had a massive meltdown… And you know there will always be someone who tells you that things will get better if only you have faith in God and that he never gives you more than you can handle.
First of all, telling an atheist that if they have faith in what they feel is a fictitious being man made up to explain the unexplainable, you’re just going to get laughed at (which is what I did; I laughed). Second, if there is a God and he supposedly won’t give you more than you can handle, he was grossly misinformed about me or has way too much confidence in me and exactly how much I can handle…
I sometimes wish I had a time machine… I know a lot of people say if they could go back in time and change things, they wouldn’t. But me… I would. One thing in particular, actually. But, if I did that, it would change the things about my current life that I’m actually happy with, so it’s quite the conundrum, isn’t it…? You can’t have it both ways…
If I could go back and change one thing, I’d have gone to art school…
I wanted to be an animator so badly (like back when there was no computer animation yet) and I’d found the perfect school. It was all the way on the other side of the country (where I wanted to live anyway) and I was so excited! But that wasn’t in the cards for me… My older sister went to college and has a very successful career. Me? I went to work right out of high school to help my mother and her shiftless boyfriend pay bills. The shitty hand I’d always felt I’d been dealt had progressively gotten shittier and shittier…
But I never gave up on my art. Hell, I would even doodle when I was at work if I had a few minutes of down time. I once worked in a factory and a coworker told me that they always knew which area I was in because there were doodles on the paper that covered the tables.
I was forever drawing… I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t drawing or painting or dong something artistic. It’s all I ever wanted to do with my life and I was always trying to improve my abilities.
But when you’ve lived in a small town of about 2,700 people (less back when I graduated high school) your whole life and never got to leave… Well, it’s not exactly the type of place where you can make something of yourself with your art, you know?
I put a lot of time and effort into my work, whether it’s digital or traditional. I work pitifully hard for days and long hours each day because I just love what I do.
I’ve had people ask me to do drawings for them, always followed by, “I’ll pay you…” Um, yes… you will… I don’t do shit for free, you know. So I accept the challenge, work my ass off and, when I’m finished, they tell me how much they love it. Then comes the subject of money… They ask how much, I never know what to say, so I tell them whatever they think is fair. The response I get from the customer: “How does $25 sound?”
“How does $25 sound”… You want to know how $25 sounds?! It sounds like bullshit! I’ll work sometimes 12 to 16 hours a day for several days to finish a drawing! And you offer me $25?! Christ, I found make more by working less hours as a grocery store cashier! For real?! Do the math, people! That comes out to, at most, like $.35 an hour! Christ, people in sweat shops earn more! That’s fucking sad… But I always say okay because I need the money and also because I know the people who live here are poor and many of them have nothing more than a high school education. They’re not cultured people, so I suppose I shouldn’t expect much…
I thought the internet would be helpful, but…
This was a work in progress (which I normally don’t show off) that I posted on Facebook. It’s a scene from my favorite anime, Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman. At times, when I’m having an art block, I’ll draw some fan art just for shits and giggles to get the creative juices flowing again…
I was pretty proud of this one when I was done… I put so much time and work into this. I even colored the sky as it was in the episode (the screen shot only showed the blue part of the sky, not the sunset of the rest of the scene). Granted, this was 6 years ago and I can do better work now, but I still thought it was pretty damned good. So I posted it, hoping to get some likes on it. And, as always, I was disappointed… This work, the one I’d spent so much time and energy on, got all of one like, and it was by someone who likes all my drawings.
At first I thought no one liked it because it was fan art, which is okay… But, at the same time, I also uploaded this drawing of Twilight (I’ve been a My Little Pony fan since day one, don’t judge) from the very first cartoon “Rescue At Midnight Castle“. I’ve drawn these ponies so much over the years, I can do it with my eyes closed… I just drew it to get those creative juices flowing. I didn’t expect to get more than the one like I usually get… but it got a shit ton! Seriously?! I drew this in minutes and took a few hours to color it and it gets so many likes, yet something I put an incredible effort into gets one?! Must be a lot of My Little Pony fans…
Even though it’s what I love most in this world and it’s the only thing I’ve ever done… I think it’s time to give up on my art. No more posting to Facebook, no more deviant art, no more anything. It’s just not worth it to continue to feel like such a failure. If my work isn’t good, whatever, it’s fine. But why keep torturing myself? I’m obviously not an artist, I’m just someone who doodles for, what, $.35 and hour? And those opportunities knock very seldom. So… I think I’m done. No more art. At this advanced age (no, I won’t tell you), if I have nothing to show for all these years, what’s the point? I don’t know how many years I have left. Time to get off my duff and start doing something to give meaning to my life…
and She Said... 