A lot has happened in the last month… Mind you, most of it wasn’t good. But maybe it was, from a certain point of view. Jesus Christ, I’m starting to sound like Obi-Wan… He told Luke that many things we believe depends on our own point of view. Seriously, I’m beginning to live life according to Star Wars logic. Inadvertently, of course…
While going through the tough times I mentioned last time, I had been discussing names with a friend and mentioned how much I hated mine. My given name is just awful… So she decided I needed a new one, just start using it and tell people I won’t respond unless I’m called by the name I’m choosing. “Can you even do that?!” I asked. I looked it up and apparently you can, but all your documents still have your birth name and you still need to use it for official things. Anyway, she asked me what name I’d like. I honesty had no idea. There are so many names out there I like and anything is better than my given name anyway. I only ever met one person with a name worse than mine and that was Bertha… Ewww…
So I told her this story. It’s a true story, I couldn’t make this shit up because it’s nuts.
Way back when I was about 19 or so, I met this guy. He was nice, but he wasn’t my type as far as romantic interest. Yes, I put him in the dreaded “friend zone”… He wanted more and eventually went to great lengths to get more. All that did was make me more resistant. On the day I made that perfectly clear (I had to be firm), he kind of went off the deep end a bit. We had a terrible fight. Well… he fought, I just spoke calmly and coldly. He was yelling and pitching a hissy fit. Eventually, he stormed out, but not before saying, “You wanna know something…? You are ‘Jackie Blue’!” Interesting assessment… He was right, of course. But I’d never tell him that.
“Jackie Blue” is this old song from the early 70s that I’ve loved my entire life. Follow the link and take a listen. The lyrics are in the description as well. It’s a very mellow sounding tune. Oddly enough, if you buy the greatest hits of The Ozark Mountain Daredevils to get the full version of the song, there are only two songs that are 70s soft rock. The rest all sounds like the kind of music you’d expect them to be blowing over the top of jugs with XXX on them… It’s beyond country, which I hate to begin with…
Anyway, I had my friend listen to it (because she’s younger than me and had never heard it) and told her to read the lyrics. When she was finished, she told me, “Oh my god, that’s you…” I didn’t argue. I’ve known this for some time. Maybe that’s why I like the song so much. It’s about a girl who’s a recluse and “lives her life from inside of her room”. However, the lyrics also suggest that she lives in her own little world in her head as well and enjoys it. I know that’s me… So Jackie Blue it was.
Honestly, I felt more comfortable with this new name than my given name. And since I was feeling more like who I was, I decided some changes needed to be made…
The first thing was to end my friendship with “Anakin” (see previous entry). I have enough issues and stresses in my life. I don’t need the toxicity he was bringing me, which is what I told him. I mourned losing a friend I’d had for so many years, then moved on.
I also told off a bully I’ve had for probably about a decade… I’d have done it sooner, but she’s a cousin and I didn’t wish to cause waves within extended family. Believe me, there were a lot of people looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. I was never a person who worried about making waves. Hell, I’d make them just for shits and giggles. But something had changed in me that I didn’t like. And so, when I began getting bullied (in person, on the phone, texts, on Facebook), I did nothing… But after the Anakin saga, she had gotten nasty with me on Facebook and something in me snapped. I completely lost my shit and told her off. It felt so good…
To make my life easier and spare me the issues of blocking people and having them make me out to be the bad guy, I deactivated my account and made a new one. Seriously, it was simpler…
Also, during this time, I decided that I needed some spirituality. That sounds weird coming from an atheist, right? Perhaps… But that’s not what I mean by spirituality. I still don’t believe in a monotheistic “god” that controls everything. I see it more as something like “The Force”. Yes, I know… Star Wars references again?! Kind of, but only because it’s the best way to explain it. I don’t believe in one being controlling everything in the universe, rather, I believe there is some sort of force that drives everything in the universe. It’s a thing, a force, not a being.
But I suddenly got this feeling that I needed to get in tune and in touch with the world and the universe at large as well as find my place in both. I’ve been reading up on meditation, talking to my massage therapist friend, I’ve bought tons of books, gone to new age shops, bought malas (prayer beads) to meditate with that suit my needs (which you can wear and that helps me a lot), bought stones and crystals, new incense… I’m sure everyone thinks I’ve lost my mind, but I haven’t. In fact, I think I’ve found what I needed in my life.
I don’t know why people are surprised… I’ve been telling them I’ve been a hippie since the day I was born.
Seriously, you see this ugly baby picture…? That’s my hospital picture right after I was born. Notice that baby me is making an upside down peace sign. Hey, I was a baby… Maybe I didn’t know you should hold your hand up. Maybe I couldn’t or maybe they put my arm down for the picture (I look a little pissed off). Who knows… All I know is that no one put my fingers that way. I did that on my own.
So you see… I was literally born a hippie. I’ve lived my life as a hippie (strangely, not because of this picture) and chances are that I’ll die a hippie. I’ve always liked the fashions, the ideals, the wanting to be free and opening your mind. Which is why I’m puzzled that people are surprised at my current changes. Ah well… they’ll get used to it…
and She Said... 