As I mentioned in my last entry, I’ve been working on some self improvements after I’ve gotten rid of all the toxicity in my life…

I haven’t liked myself much for a long time. I’m not sure I ever liked myself much. My entire life, I’ve marched to my own drummer and, over time, I realized people didn’t appreciate such individuality. To get along in this world, I had to hide the real me, which eventually led me to hide the real me from myself. But now, most of the people I felt I had to adapt for are either out of my life or dead. I’m beginning to spread my wings so I can fly again.

However, I seem to have a major issue with the name thing… Part of my self improvement was deciding I wanted to be called Jackie as opposed to the name I was saddled with at birth that I always hated and I felt never suited me. But it seems some of my friends and family are still using my given name, despite my asking them to do otherwise. I’m finding that annoying and disheartening. It’s my choice. I wish they could respect it.

I think everyone is thinking this is nothing but a phase I’m going through. Kind of like when I was 16 or 17 and the phase was looking pale, wearing all black, wearing heavy black eyeliner, looking like a vampire… It was like the precursor to “emo”. My mother figured it was a phase I’d grow out of. I did, of course, but only after about a year of therapy to help me deal with my bipolar bullshit.

But this isn’t a phase… I’m not a teen trying to find myself and fit in at the same time. I’m a grown woman. I’m not trying to be someone new. I’m being the person I’ve always been and no one ever noticed, that’s all.

Maybe one day people will learn to accept who I am, who I’ve always been . I’m tired of trying to be someone else to “fit in”, whether with family and friends, coworkers or society in general. I’m mentally, physically and emotionally tired of it.

True story… I had this art teacher in elementary school who, decidedly, had a weird last name. When I was still young, he and his wife divorced and he left to move to California. I assume it was to find himself after the divorce… Anyway, he returned a few years later. We were all so excited and called him by his last name, which he told us was no longer his last name. Apparently he found himself (and a new wife) and had legally changed his name. I seemed to be the only kid who had no problem making the change.

I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on everyone… I mean, my art teacher had a legal name change and still everyone had an issue trying to remember to use his new name for a long time. My mother seems to be the one most upset. After all, she liked my name which is why she chose it. My sister, on the other hand, said it would depend on what I wanted to be called. Maybe I should give them time.

With my new changes (name, finding spirituality, getting rid of toxic people) I decided I needed a new self portrait. Honestly, I don’t care for it… But, as my go-to friend, my voice of reason, told me, I haven’t drawn much of anything in 3 months. Seriously, I hadn’t… I was in an awful art slump. Normally, I get depressed and don’t feel myself during these slumps. That may be hard to understand… I draw and/or write stories every single day. I’m always being creative. So when I’m in a bad slump, it’s like I don’t know what to do with myself. Art is like air to me… Plus I always worry that, when my creativity is on the fritz, this may be it. Maybe my psyche meds have finally killed the last of my creativity. But for those three months, I didn’t even care…

About a week ago, the local radio station was playing a lot of 80s tunes I grew up with. One happened to be Duran Duran’s “Rio”. I haven’t heard that song in years (despite having the album on an LP, cassette and CD), and since it’s one of my favorite albums, I decided to download it from iTunes…

It was $8… That’s what one of my favorite albums from childhood was worth, $8… Wow, way to make me feel old, Apple, thanks… Anyway, I downloaded it and the very next morning, I slapped on my headphones, turned on my iPod and listened to the whole album. That was when I came up with this drawing. I listened to that album for about three days in a row. I think it paid off. I’m pretty proud of this drawing.

Maybe people don’t understand my changes, coming out of my chrysalis to be the butterfly I’ve always been, but I’d like to think they at least can see that I’ve been different, happier.

It certainly shows in my art, I think. After a three month slump, I’m finally making art again. Maybe I’ll start pushing past my boundaries and make the best art I’ve ever created. Who knows?

And soon I’ll be doing a new portrait… I had an eye doctor appointment a few days ago because, you know, I’m pretty blind with distance. And my astigmatism has come back a little. Thankfully my close vision is still 20/20! I was planning on just getting new lenses in my old frames, but they’re old and scuffed. And I should never shop for frames… I’m like a kid in a candy store! I couldn’t make up my mind, so I ended up getting two pair… Bad Jackie! Ah well… At least I can redo my portrait with my new frames soon…