The 2020 Mid-Year Review

So before I start the review, I had to share this…

Now, I’m sure you all know that, during this quarantine shit, I’ve been playing Animal Crossing New Horizons… a lot… I really enjoy it and it’s helped me get through being stuck at home without going postal (so far). I’ve been watching videos people post to get island design ideas and clips of funny moments, of which there are a lot.

This was one of them… In one video, I saw someone sneeze (yes, you can sneeze and have all other kinds of reactions you learn) on this weird badger named Leif who sells flowers and shrubs. Well… Leif was on my island that day, so I approached him and, when he looked at me, I sneezed on him. This was the face he made. It’s priceless how horrified he looks! It’s that look of “Holy shit, did you just give me COVID-19?!?” I mean… look at him!!! Truly priceless! Hahahaa!

So… I know 2020 has sucked monkey balls for everyone. We all had such great expectations when we rang in the new year and, not long after, it all went to shit. Hence the reason we need this to be real toilet paper you can buy…

But honestly, COVID-19 and this quarantine/lockdown bullshit has only been the tip of the iceberg for me…

We’re almost entering the mid-point of the year, so I figured I’d do a mid-year review of 2020 from my standpoint so far. It hasn’t just been a shit storm, it’s been a shit hurricane! Since thee talk of shutting shit down in the 3rd week of March, I’ve missed celebrating 3 important dates (one of which was my birthday). I’ve had to talk to a nutritionalist (which I paid out of pocket) and a month later have lost nothing. I got put on cholesterol meds because it’s too high and I’m “just asking for a heart attack”, I was told I was reactive hypoglycemic, then another doctor tells me I’m pre-diabetic… My diet is so limited now it’s insane! Plus, when I called in for a med refill the other day, I had to send a picture of a small rash spot I developed to make sure my new med wasn’t giving me it. Nope… she said it looks like shingles!

What else can go wrong?! I really shouldn’t ask… I’m afraid I’ll jinx myself…

Yesterday I had an appointment with an orthopedist about my shit knees… She’s thinking it may all be back trouble. Omg, my back is fucking fine!!! I’m getting all different diagnoses from different orthopedists and it’s pissing me off! I had one lady get snooty with me yesterday and I gave her the Jack Torrence “I’m slowly going insane” glare… I’ve been out of my house twice since mid March and I’m still surrounded by entitled assholes! It took everything I had not to go kick the fuck out of her in the office, I swear to Christ… See, this is why I don’t leave my house unless I absolutely have to. I hate people. And assholes like this woman were a big reason why.

But what really bothered me was the way everything is, now… Surreal, like this Escher painting I wrote a paper on in college…

On the way home, after a frustrating appointment, I was observing the world around me… It’s not the world I know and I don’t like it. In fact, it got me so upset, I started to cry. So I did what I do when I’m that down and need to feel better fast. I went to Target, one of the few stores still open. I bought myself a new workout outfit for when I’m on my exercise bike, I found one of the 35th Anniversary My Little Pony toys I was desperately trying to find (don’t ask…), I got some new washi tape and, best of all, a new pen! I have a massive pen fetish… If you ever want me to feel better fast, buy me a funky pen. My fetish is so bad, I literally don’t feel normal unless I walk down the pen aisle every time I go to a store. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to shop and get a pen. Plus the My Little Pony helped. It’s reminiscent of simpler times for me…

I seriously need a zen moment…

On top of everything else, I have the added stress of not knowing what the fuck to do. To move or not to move…? My time here is limited, so if that fat piece of shit doesn’t do her job and get shit going (she’s had almost 3 months, seriously) I’m going to have to stay where I am. I have no time to pack or do anything, really.

I know she’s aware that I have little time and she’s waited until pretty much the last second to tell me that it’s pretty much 99% approved. Yeah…? Well, now I don’t know if I want to live in your trailer park because you’re not responsible enough to do your job! And I have no more time to dick around. I have maybe a week at most to decide what I’m going to do and I’m very torn. Right now there isn’t enough wine, Xanax and Calgon to take me far enough away… So yeah, 2020, you fucking suck so far…

The World Of Jackie Blue

A while back, I mentioned that I might be moving to a nicer neighborhood… It’s been about 3 months since I’ve looked at that trailer and the woman who runs the park finally decided to approve residency. No, it wasn’t because of COVID-19. She’s just lazy and doesn’t want to work…

After hearing this news, I was out at the kitchen sink and happened to look outside. I immediately burst into tears.

The thing is, aside from the fact that I’m very opposed to change (and I’ve lived here 14 years) and I live in the “hood”, the back of my house is decidedly different. The back of the house has a lot of shady maples (in a postage stamp yard), a creek running through behind the back fence… It’s like night and day. And I love my yard with the trees, my lilacs, the honeysuckle growing on the other side of the creek, all the wildlife that ends up in the yard… I grew up in an area that had that. Can’t have that in a trailer park.

And, after this many months of this woman dragging her feet, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to staying here. So this was like another bombshell dropped on me. I’ve had enough of those lately… I’ve always had this deep connection with nature and I don’t know if I can just up and leave it to live in a trailer park.

There are other issues as well. A stray cat showed up in my yard and just decided to stay. I think he was abandoned. So I fed him and now I think he’s decided he’s my cat. I can’t take him with me because I don’t think he’d be happy indoors all the time and I won’t abandon him again or he’ll never trust another human. I’ve even decided to name him Donovan (yes, after the hippie-dippy singer). I also don’t know how in the hell I’m going to get anyone to help move with this social distancing shit…

Or maybe my biggest thing is that I just don’t feel like moving the shit tons of crap I’ve accumulated over the years…

I know it sounds weird… “But you said you were a hippie and hippies are free spirits!” Yes, they are! And so am I… Being now opposed to this move has nothing to do with me wanting to stay in a home I put roots down in. Actually, in all honesty, I’m not sure I want to look out my windows and see my neighbors’ trailers. I’m used to seeing trees and nature. It’s the only thing I love about living here. I’m not sure how I would handle looking out only to see the walls of someone else’s home… And what of my lilacs? Can I transfer the plant without it dying? What of that tall, thin maple? I grew him from a seedling! I can’t leave him behind… But can you transplant a maple of about 12+ feet that easily no matter how thin it is? And I promise, my other flower bulbs and flowering shrubs would be coming with me. They don’t stay behind…

Well… it doesn’t really matter…

No matter where I go, no matter where I end up, I’ll still be the same Jackie Blue who “lives her life from inside of her room”. That room being the place inside my mind.

I kind of live half inside this world and half inside a world I created in my mind the majority of the time anyway. So does it really matter at which location I live that way…? I don’t know… I suppose it doesn’t. My world will still be my world and I can make the surroundings match whatever the world inside my head reflects. If I could do it here in the hood, I can do it somewhere else, right…? Right…?! Nothing about me will change wherever I go. I’ll still be the same me… But… no nature in a trailer park… Very few trees, no creek which means no walking through the creek on hot summer afternoons… I’m so torn about all this. I honestly don’t know what to do. Not to mention that the idea of packing up an entire house in a short period of time seems like an impossibility. Had I known earlier that she was going to give approval, I would have been done with the majority of the packing. But thanks to her procrastination, I’m pressed for time. It may be better to stay here…

I often thought I was reaching for the moon with this idea of moving…

That’s what I do… I reach for the moon because I know it won’t happen, so I’m still safely in my own little world. And, now that the moon is actually within my grasp, I’m not sure how to handle it or what to do. I know it’s a financially better option, but… I just don’t know. So if any of you, my dear readers, have any advice, drop a comment. I’d love to get some feedback on what you guys would do in my situation…

The Math Is All Wrong…

Seriously, I want someone to explain this to me like I’m a five year old…

As I’m sure most of you know, I’ve been watching my diet (what little I was able to eat anyway) to get rid of the Cymbalta weight I gained. So I talk to a nutritionalist and a bariatric physician’s assistant (which is not covered by insurance). I’m following this 1200 calorie a day, high protein, no carb diet for over a month now. I don’t eat anything not on the list… Actually, I eat about 1000 calories a day because I just can’t eat that much. Everything is either low or no cholesterol, low or no fats… I got an exercise bike and everything! You know how much I’ve lost…? Not a fucking thing… Worse, they told me that I gained from eating too little… Imagine that! You eat too much, you get fat. You eat too little, you get fat. There’s no winning here, people!!! Honestly, I think this is a waste of my money. I’m paying these people out of pocket, and they’re not helping at all! The only thing they can tell me is that, with me being on meds, it’ll be a little slower. Okay, I can handle slow, but this is non-existent!

Dr. Now… Weight loss guru or shit slinger?

Have you ever watched that show My 600lb Life? Yeah, well… I’m living the diet…

There he is, the 70-something Israeli doctor who works wonders, the guy who claims “scales don’t lie; people do”. And, in many cases on his show, he’s right. I see how these people eat and they don’t follow the diet at all…

But, as he assures them, if they stick with the same kind of diet I’m on, they can lose 100 pounds in a month easily. Really dude?! I just need to lose 40 Cymbalta pounds and I can’t even lose one pound! I do what they tell me, I eat nothing that isn’t on my list. So how can these 600+ pound people lose that much (if they follow the diet to the letter) and I can’t lose one stinking pound doing the same thing?! Granted, I don’t weigh enough that I need bariatric surgery. Not yet… But I just don’t get why I can’t lose or I gain a few more pounds. What the actual fuck?! And the 600+ pound people this diet doesn’t work for are the ones who eat bad food and a lot of it. I don’t get how eating 1200 calories a day and good foods won’t take it off someone who only wants to lose 40 fucking pounds!

Seriously, dear readers, Cymbalta ruined my life…

I tried telling my shrink that I wanted off of it because it had made me fat. His reply: “You look fine to me.” My reply to him: “But I don’t look fine to me. How is an antidepressant going to help me when I feel fat and that makes me more depressed?!” It took months to get him to wrap his head around that one, and that was only because my cholesterol was getting out of hand. He still claimed it wasn’t the pill (dozens of commercials that say otherwise can’t be wrong, doc…). I got him to agree it was the weight gain from the Cymbalta that raised my cholesterol and he switched me to Lexapro. It had never been an issue before, but no w it seems I can’t lose and just gain ever since I took that shit. It messed up my cholesterol, my sugar, I had horrible withdrawal every time I had to cut back to wean off… And, to be honest, I think I’m still suffering side effects of these fucking antidepressants. I still get withdrawal sometimes, even though I’m on a new med, and the doctors won’t take me off them. Why the fuck not?! They don’t work anyway… I learned that in the hospital. 30-35% is the meds. The rest is up to you to make better. So, if I’m doing more than half the job, why are these fucking pills getting the credit?! I don’t think so! I think it’s time that we, the sufferers, get credit where credit is really due…

Okay, I was going to use Edvard Munch’s The Scream for this, but when I saw the Rick and Morty version… I couldn’t resist. I love this show!

In any case, that’s how I feel most days, like the guy in The Scream… I’m terrified, frustrated and feel like my brain is never going to be right again and neither will my body. And, when I get terribly frustrated, I just give the fuck up.

So the fact that I haven’t lost any weight in a month has me so frustrated that I just want to scream and give up. The doctors never hold the pills accountable for their part and blame me for eating garbage (yes, low fat meats, vegetables and salad are bad for you…) No lie, my one doctor did that… And my brain is just not right. Antidepressants keep me from being creative and that makes me more depressed. That’s why I haven’t been doing much art except for self portraits. I just have no inspiration, period…

Most days lately, I feel more like I’m trapped in this M.C. Escher lithograph, Relativity.

Notice how the stairs and the people on them are all going in different directions and there seems to be no discernible pattern…? This is my brain on medication. It’s kind of all over the place and has no idea what direction to go in…

Anyway… I’m sorry for the downer entry, dear readers. I’m just feeling so annoyed, frustrated, depressed, anxious, fed up… I just had to get some of that out of my system. And, now that I have, I’m going to go escape the isolation, the quarantine, by going to talk to my little animal villagers in my video game. At least I can be outside without sneezing and wheezing. Damned allergies…

The Rain, The Park And Other Things…

Admittedly, I just like to use this as a title to blog entries, but it’s such a catchy tune.

And, if you’ve ever seen the movie Dumb and Dumber, you know this song. Maybe not by title, but if I said, “I love the flower girl, Oh I don’t know just why, She simply caught my eye”… Now it rings a bell, huh?

It’s not the only song like that… “The 59th Street Bridge Song”, which, when I call it that, people look at me like I have lobsters coming out of my ears. As soon as I say, “Feelin’ Groovy”, they instantly know. As a matter of fact, they had to put those two words in parentheses after the original title because no one seemed to know what the fuck song it was without it. Elton John did something similar with “Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny)”.

I’m just starting to feel gloomy… It’s been raining here entirely too much lately. If it’s not raining, it’s so overcast, it looks like it might pour at any moment. Not only is it raining a lot in reality, but it’s been raining or pouring a lot on mob island in Animal Crossing. I mean, what the fuck?! I play that game incessantly to escape the whole isolation from OCVID-19 shit, to be able to plant flowers and not sneeze and feel like using a backscratcher on my eyeballs because I was out in the pollen and to escape this shit weather… Then it fucking rains on my island almost every single fucking day! “Rainy Days And Mondays always get me down…” Even though it’s Tuesday…

Let’s have a break in the gloom… I finally got together an Indiana Jones type outfit!

And I must be friends with the most joyless people on Facebook… I know, not everyone is into video games, but I thought at least someone would find this picture amusing. Hence why I put the caption there… I hope some of you have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark… When the Nazis and their French comrade go to open the Ark, Indy tells Marion to keep her eyes closed and whatever she did, don’t look at it. Good thing he did or she’d have been killed by the angry spirits that came from the Ark just like all the others on the island. I just thought this was funny…

Quick, funny story about that movie…

I was 8 at the time. The movie had just come out and my sister wanted to go see it. So, one day our parents took us to see it. As was usual, I wanted candy. Usually I choose Snowcaps, but I chose M&Ms. I picked the worst time to start eating them… It was nearing the end of the movie, I tore the bag open and started eating… then this happened… So, as their faces were melting on screen, the chocolate was melting in my mouth (not in my hand). I almost puked. To this day, I can’t tolerate eating plain M&Ms because of that, hahahaa… True story!

I need a huge supply of Calgon and Klonopin…

Things have just been rough for me lately…

I’ve been on this restrictive diet for a month and haven’t lost shit. My exercise bike came Thursday (5 days ago) and it’s not helping except to hurt my thighs and raise my pulse. I’m doing what I’m supposed to and seeing nothing in return.

I called the family doctor the other day because, quite frankly, I’m worried about what she had said (I was asking for a heart attack). She seemed annoyed with me that day and she’s usually the one who really helps talk to me about my anxiety and concerns and makes me feel better. But she was a bit flippant when she told me that I should go see a cardiologist to have peace of mind. Gee, I’m so sorry I’m such a burden to you. That really helps my depression and feeling like I have no support, thanks…

For my fellow depression/anxiety sufferers, this is a quote we need to remember.

My mother came to visit Friday (as she does every Friday) and I was rather surprised at part of our conversation. It seems that, when I called her one night, crying because they put me on cholesterol meds and a special diet and how scared I was about what the doctor had said (the heart attack thing), asshole had told her that I always tend to make mountains out of molehills. Gee, thanks a lot, dickhead… As if I didn’t have enough reasons to hate him…

Anyway, she told him that was part of my bipolar disorder and anxiety. She’s been used to dealing with it. He should be, too, since he’s known me since I was 12… But, according to her, his response was that he never thought of it that way. Seriously, assclown?! In all these years, you never put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4?! Ugh… It’s enough to make you just was to rip your fucking hair out! And like he’s perfect… He’s always had massive anger problems. He used to beat up his young son (and I mean beat up) over stupid shit. He acts like a raving looney with my mom when he gets pissed, too. But she’s passive and ignores it. She shouldn’t… He’s already had one heart attack. Maybe his ill temper will cause another and do him in. I wouldn’t be surprised…

True, but some monsters live amongst us..

But onto a different type of monster…

Morticia had the day off yesterday. I thought she’d leave me be since it was a holiday (a lesser one, but a holiday). Nope… She called me at 11:30AM and apparently was already drinking! At 11:30AM! But you don’t have a drinking problem… Denial… It’s more than a river in Egypt. I’ve talked to her about it, but she sees no problem. Whatever… Your an alcoholic and a prescription drug abuser. I know because she tries to get Xanax off me even though I tell her I have no more (but I do). Of course, she was bitching about Gomez and her having low self esteem. I told her dump Gomez, he’s verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive and then she’d get some self esteem back. She wants him to dump her. As if that will help… I don’t think she liked what I was saying because we were only on for an hour and she had to go. She called an hour after that and another hour after that! I didn’t answer. I’m tired… I have enough of my own stresses and problems right now. I can’t help her if she’s not willing to listen and frankly, I don’t want to help her. I need to work on me now.

The other day, I had a long talk… Scratch that. I had a long cry to one of my support people. I feel like everything is so out of my control (which is no good when you’re a control freak). I wish they’d have warned me about all the issues I could or would have when they removed my last ovary. But they didn’t… All I was told was that menopause was going to be 100 times worse than if I went through it naturally. It was, but that’s not the point. The point is that I physically feel as if I’m 20 years older than I am and my health right now is certainly reflecting that. I need to figure out how to let go and realize that I can’t have everything under my control. I think I’ll be happier that way.

Last night, I was playing Animal Crossing and learned there was a meteor shower on their island and there were shooting stars like crazy!

I had only seen 3 on my own island (the one I should have named Seattle for how much it fucking rains), so I went to visit my friend. If you see one, you press and hold the “A” button until it gets bright like this. You’re wishing on a star! In 15 minutes, I went from the measly 3 I had prior to seeing 79! In the end, I finished that particular task and saw over 200, which took only another half hour.

There are other rewards… The following morning, there are star fragments on your beach that you can use to build cool things, provided the one character who shows up very seldom arrives and gives you DIY recipes. But I added this picture just because it’s so darn cute! I mean, seriously… How cute is this when 2 characters wish on a shooting star like this…? It’s very cute!

So today I’ll leave you, dear readers, with a more uplifting message…

I took this cute screenshot on my Switch and added the text to it. This is my outdoor concert area. I just like the way the sky made everything look, which is why I took the picture. Then I added the text.

Sometimes, maybe we should party like rock stars… I’m not saying shoot up heroine, snort some coke and get drunk so you pass out and piss yourself when you’re sleeping (read The Heroine Diaries, it’ll make sense and it’s a great read). But maybe, just maybe, we should step back sometimes from our stresses, our fears and anxieties, and party. Dance like no one is watching, act like a complete dork, be silly, sing at the top of your lungs (even if you’re tone deaf) the most annoying song you can think of (try “I’m Henry the VIII I Am”, that’s annoying as fuck). But do you for once. Life won’t come to an apocalyptic haunt if you take a little time to be a goof. Party like a rock star, people!

When You Just Need To Feel Sorry For Yourself…

I have no idea why they call me somersault…

Sometimes, Animal Crossing (any version) freaks me out a bit…

The villagers are generated by the program and, since you really can’t use dialogue other than to ask them to talk or what’s up, the only way the program would know something was wrong is if you stopped talking to your villagers altogether. I talk to mine the entire time I play. So when I got this letter during a time I was feeling more depressed and sorry for myself, I kind of freaked a bit. On the other hand, it was what I needed to hear at that time, so I’m glad my weird pink rhino sent me this little letter. It made me feel a bit better and I’m taking these wise words to heart.

Whatever you do, Marion, don’t open your eyes…

But before I get onto today’s topic…

I had to share this because it had me laughing hysterically. On occasion, your villagers will give you DIY recipes. The one villager I despise, a weird looking bear named Klaus, gave me one to make a golden casket. My first thought was “What the actual fuck?! It’s weird enough they have what they call “western style stone” (the tombstones here in the picture) and zen stones, which are the Asian tombstones. Now I can make a golden casket?! How macabre! But I went to see what it looked like and died of laughter. I had to make it! It took forever to get the 6 out of 8 gold nuggets I needed, but I finally did it! Look at it! It looks like the Ark of the Covenant! Now all I need is a leather jacket, a hat and a whip and I’m set! Just so long as no Nazis try to open it…

Anyway… I had an appointment with a bariatric physician’s assistant. That was money ill spent… The entire virtual visit, she seemed more concerned with playing with her hair, putting me down and getting annoyed when I became emotional. This is what happens when you get whatever 12 year old they just made a doctor and she’s just in it for the money and doesn’t care about the patient. I’m sorry, if you don’t care about helping people, don’t become a doctor.

I’ve had a lot of shit dumped on me lately with my health and such. I gained a lot on my antidepressant, my blood sugar went wonky, they decided I was “reactive hypoglycemic”, my cholesterol was way too high, so they put me on meds… Then this child tells me that I shouldn’t eat peas, my favorite vegetable, because it’s a starch. She also sprung it on me that I’m pre-diabetic! What?! I couldn’t help myself. I cried and she seemed annoyed. I can see that if it’s a regular patient, but I have bipolar disorder and anxiety. I won’t react like other patients.

And here is where I fall into that vicious circle of negative thinking…

No offense, but I think I’m entitled to take a little time to feel sorry for myself. I’m getting overwhelmed by bad news about my health lately, especially things that are a huge trigger for my anxiety. My biggest fear for, oh, probably a decade or more, is having a heart attack. This all started after I had to have my ovaries removed. It really fucked my head up worse than it was and it’s caused my body to age more rapidly. Everything has been so out of my control since. I don’t overeat, I don’t eat garbage foods, I stay away from fats, cholesterol and sugars. Yet here I am… Everything seems to be falling apart at once. I’m overwhelmed, depressed, anxious (which is no good because the physical symptoms of anxiety can mimic a heart attack). Then I fall into this pattern of just laying around and binge watching whatever I can find. It’s sad… And I’m seriously worried about my health. I’m doing all the right things they want from me and it does nothing.

One thing they keep telling me (and not understanding) is to exercise. I can do exercises, so long as they don’t require bearing weight on my knees. I need both of them replaced, so even going pee is an issue. I more fall on the toilet than sit… Anyway, my right one has gotten very bad. I almost fell twice because it gave on me.

The one thing that doesn’t hurt is biking. Well… outside it would hurt more if I had hills. So I decided to become proactive and ordered an exercise bike. I never bought one because they’re big and you practically need an entire room just for the damn bike! But I did find one that isn’t as big and clunky. The nice thing is, it also folds up, so I can get it out of my way when I’m done. That’s one of the downsides of living in a row home (aside from 2 flights of stairs that are incredibly painful to climb and descend) is that, if you have furniture, you have little room for exercise equipment. So when I saw these were small and could be folded up, I said to myself, “Sold!!” It was a bit pricey, but my mom helped me with that since she knows I’m on a budget but this is something I need. It should be here tomorrow. I’m pretty excited! I haven’t done anything like this in a long time!

I’ve also been told for some time that exercise helps depression. I can say that it definitely does. I feel happy after a walk, but the next day I’m laid up with painful knees. I don’t have the nice arthritis that exercise helps. Mine is degenerative. So I have to be careful…

Maybe I’ll get a two-for. Maybe I’ll get happier and lose weight. I’m also going to talk to my doctor about getting off my meds. I know they’ll be against it. They all tell me that the meds aren’t screwing with my weight, cholesterol 0r blood sugar. Really… That’s why the pharmaceutical companies verbally tell you it can raise all 3, their disclaimer so you can’t come back and sue, I suppose. So please don’t blow smoke up my ass and call it sunshine, okay? Are they getting kick-backs? Are they really clueless or misinformed? Or do they just not want us to snap the fuck out? Then they give us more pills to counteract the side effects. No fucking thank you…

But back to the other day… I was feeling sorry for myself. Like really sorry for myself. I know I shouldn’t do it, but when I feel that way, I just want to be left alone in peace until I have time to process shit, feel sorry for myself, then pick myself up and dust myself off. I know isolation is bad, but I have a few people I talk to if I need it.

Morticia is not one of them… When I tell her I’m fat, she tell me I look fine and she’s the one who’s fat. If I get weepy about all the diet changes (of which there’s little I can eat anymore, even healthy shit), she retorts with, “How do you think I feel? There’s a lot I can’t eat with my Chrohn’s!” The difference being, she takes no meds, eats whatever she fucking wants anyway and bitches when it causes her intestinal issues. But she recently got bloodwork done and her cholesterol is almost 100 less than mine. She had an echocardiogram and she’s fine. Piss off with trying to make your situation worse than mine… So I texted her I wasn’t in the mood to talk, that I needed a few days to feel sorry for myself and I would call her when I was feeling better. Guess who didn’t respect my wishes…? Yup, she called me the next morning. Seriously, don’t people fucking listen?! My other friend understood, why can’t Morticia?!

At this point, I think I need to either block her incoming calls or just turn my damn phone off altogether.

Seriously, Morticia calls me at least a half dozen times every day. Whether she’s at work and on break or, god forbid, she has the day off, she calls me incessantly. It drives me crazy! And if my phone is having a brain fart where it’s not ringing and sending every call right to voice mail (I have no idea what’s up with that), she’ll text me, “Phone is fucked up.” Are you kidding me?! What am I, a fix for you?! I’ve never had anyone call and annoy me this much!

I think I’m honestly going to flip shit on her. She calls too much and all she does is makes me feel bad about myself. Oh yes, and she compares how bad her situation is to mine. I highly doubt it… She’s healthier than I am. Besides, maybe instead of pointing out your woes, many of which she makes worse because she does whatever the fuck she wants, maybe just listen and sympathize with the shit I’m going through at the moment. I’m doubting I’ll be talking to her for a long while…

Wear My Love Like Heaven…

Hmm, I’m kind of thinking that flowers are more like a gift to a garden rather than them giving gifts to a garden… Or maybe that’s what Donovan meant by this? I have no idea…

Spring is probably my favorite of all the seasons (with fall coming in a close second). Every year, when spring arrives, I begin to feel this sense of renewal within myself. It’s almost as if, for that time, I’m tied to and in tune with the Earth, if only for a short time. I know, that sounds hippie-dippy, doesn’t it? But remember (from my baby picture from an earlier post), I was apparently born a hippie. Babies don’t make peace signs for their hospital pictures! Anyway, I’ve spoken to my uncle, who was born in the same month as me (I’m the beginning of April and he’s at the end) and he’s said the same thing. He feels a sense of renewal every spring. So either this is a thing only April babies experience or we’re both hippies. Weird thing is, back in the day, he wasn’t a hippie. He was a husband, father and had a respectable job. And short hair…

Years ago, I had gotten some young lilac bushes from a friend. I love lilacs… They’re my favorite flower and have been all my life. I have a postage stamp yard, but, damn it, I was going to have my lilacs! I planted them all down the fence line, but this was the only one to survive. It even survived the trunk splitting during a wind storm! Isn’t it beautiful…? Look at all the flowers! I haven’t had a yield like this in years!

The down side… They should have been in full bloom by Mother’s Day, as they always are, but with the odd weather we’ve had, they just didn’t want to open fully. They normally look a bit later than others because they don’t get as much sun, but that’s okay. Still, I was getting concerned they weren’t going to bloom fully and die off because of the up and down temperatures.

Two days ago, it was nice and relatively warm out, so I went to check on them. Still not fully bloomed, but a good amount of the flowers were open, so I said “fuck it and decided to cut a few…

I should know myself better than that… As soon as I cut a few, I see a monstrous beauty and decide I need that one as well because it’s just too beautiful to stay on the bush. Then I see another and another… Next thing you know, I’m walking back in the house with a shit ton of lilacs! Sadly, it didn’t stop there…

This vase was the first that I jam-packed full of lilacs. Then I got out the other vase and there just weren’t enough, so I had to go cut more to fill it out, right…? I had to reason with myself, there…

So now my whole house smells so lovely… But I pay the price for that. Yesterday I spent the entire day all stuffed up, sneezing and wheezing. Allergy pills can’t fight lilacs. Of course, it’s my own fault. The first thing I did before I cut and was bury my face in them and take a huge sniff, declaring to the stray cat living in the yard, “Don’t they smell lovely…?” with the biggest smile on my face. While I was cutting some, that song, “Wear Your Love Like Heaven” kept running through my head and I felt so relaxed and happy and was sporting the biggest, most content smile ever. Lilacs are like ambrosia to me (not my sinuses).

I know, it really makes me sound hippy-dippy… But gardening is something I grew up with. My great aunt had a garden and grew every vegetable and flower imaginable. I always helped her tend things. I also inherited her green thumb and love of taking care of injured wild animals… My uncles also used to drag home wild animals. I’m sure my mother was not pleased I turned out like them, hahahaa!

I may not seem like the type, but that’s how I grew up. I was a tom-boy hippie. And I still am to this day. I still wear bell-bottom jeans and pants, my clothes don’t necessarily have to match perfect… I make up my own style. That’s the artist in me, I suppose. But I’m still a flower child. I love to wear flowers in my hair! But again, the downside is paying for all this with sneezing and wheezing. But it’s all well worth the effort!

The Fool On The Hill

Holy shit, I arted!!!

Yes, I realize “art” can’t be used as a verb, but it seemed appropriate for the occasion. It’s been so long since I made any art, I figured it deemed the use of poor grammar, hahahaa!

I’ve been wanting to make a new self portrait for a long time, ever since I got my new glasses. There were two issues… One was that I got 2 pairs and wasn’t sure which to use in my portrait. As you can see, I went with the “sparkly, going out to the dance club” frames. The other issue I had was my depression. I have to be just the right amount of depressed to draw. Too happy and I can’t draw for shit. Too depressed and I have the same issue, if I even feel like picking up a pencil at all. Plus my meds seem to squelch every bit of imagination and creativity I have, which doesn’t help. But one day, I just felt like drawing and here it is! I’m very proud of it! I even went overboard with detail…

Weird looking, I know, but it was the early 70s…

I think I need to thank my junior high music teacher for the sudden inspiration…

Every day on Facebook, he posts some sort of musical challenge. Post a song with a certain word or words in it, post a song with a name or color in the title, things of that nature. One day, it was post your favorite song from a musical. That was tough… I wanted to use “One” from A Chorus Line, but I was feeling nice and didn’t want to have people miserable from having it run through their heads all day long. Instead, I chose “Day By Day” from Godspell. Yes, it came out the year I was born, but I always loved that song. I realize how weird that is since I’m an atheist, but I don’t think about that with music. It makes me feel good and that’s all I care about. On a side note… In my high school’s auditorium, they made huge paintings of the plays they had done over the years. Godspell had been up there even when I was a kid. Nice to know it still hangs there to this day. It was always my favorite painting.

On another note…

Another of my favorite feel good songs is “Happiness Runs” by Donovan (which was used in a cat food ad, I think it was Friskies). I’m also partial to “Wear Your Love Like Heaven” (this video will give you a good look at how hippy-dippy he lived)… Actually, anything Donovan is great. When I find myself feeling down or anxious, these are my two “go to” songs to relax myself as well as “Day By Day”. I either listen to them or, sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, I’ll just start singing. Suddenly, I’m finding myself calmer and more grounded.

Music will do that to you…

I once watched a program where they had a segment about music and its direct effect on the part of your brain that controls mood. The example they used was the original “Gloomy Sunday” (the Hungarian one). They were going through a depression during that time and the song actually caused people to take their own lives. Take a listen, you’ll understand why. The remake by Billie Holiday was nowhere near as depressing… Personally, when I just need to chill, I listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon album and I get very relaxed and calm.

But back to the subject…

Yesterday’s challenge was to post a song with “life, live or alive” in the title. First I posted “So Alive” by Love and Rockets. Then I decided to add another song and chose ELO’s “I’m Alive” from one of my favorite movies, Xanadu. Great movie, great soundtrack… My parents took my sister and I to see this when I was 7. I didn’t want to go, but as soon as I saw the muses coming out of the mural, my jaw hit the floor. It was as if someone had reached in my head, pulled an idea I had out of my head and put it on screen. I’m still in awe every single time I watch it, which I did yesterday. It’s inspiring!

In fact, Xanadu inspired this really old drawing I did of the ( Muses in Greek mythology (Zesu’s daughters) if they were more modern and up to date. From left to right, they and their roles are: Terpsichore – choral song and dance. Erato – the poetry of love. Euterpe – music or lyric poetry. Melpomene – tragedy. Polyhymnia – oratory or sacred poetry. Calliope – epic poetry and eloquence. Clio – history. Urania – astronomy. Thalia – comedy. Personally, I like Melpomene best. Look how neurotic she is! She’s also taking Valium, hahahaa! Maybe one say I’ll re-do this one. I drew this so many years ago… I think it’s time for an update.

Some days I want to do this to my phone…

Now, like I said, I haven’t drawn anything in a very long time. I hadn’t gotten much done on my new self portrait, so yesterday I decided to grab my iPod and headphones and just lose myself in the art and music. I had already spoken to Morticia as she was driving to work, though I didn’t really want to. I’ve been very anti-social lately… So I figure I’m safe, I’ll have time to lose myself in everything, that is my zen.

Next thing you know, I see the message pop up on my MacBook that I had an incoming call from Morticia… Are you fucking serious?! This was maybe an hour into my zen moment! What happened to work?! I know she was bitching she wasn’t feeling well (it’s her nerves) which she tells me every fucking day. Well, she ended up leaving work and coming home early. God forbid she should not call me when she has free time. Find a fucking hobby! Besides me… I swear, there are days I feel like smashing my phone with a sledge hammer…

I’m going to print this puppy out and make it my motivational poster…

I’ve been in a foul mood the last few days. I bought myself a scale to keep an eye on whether or not this new diet they have me on to lose the Cymbalta blubber is working. I was not happy to see that, even though I’ve been eating little and healthy the past 2 months, I gained 10 pounds! What the fuck is going on here?!? I’m about to lose my shit… I spent hours crying. And to make sure I wasn’t disturbed, I told Morticia and everyone who likes to disturb me at bad times, that I wasn’t in a good mental state and to leave me alone until I felt better. Well, you know Morticia called me the next day. I ignored her… Yesterday I did talk to her and I told her what was wrong. The reason I don’t is because she keeps telling me I look fine, I’m not that heavy and she argues with me when I tell her otherwise. So yesterday I got snippy with her and told her that I wasn’t happy with how I looked and felt and that’s what matters. She seems to have gotten the message. For now…

I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress lately… I’m sure that’s not helping my weight issue. Which, by the way, is part of my stress. But I have a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now.

Then Morticia dumps all of her stresses on me. I’m sorry, I just can’t… A lot of times I don’t pick up the phone. First of all, why do you need to call me a half dozen times a day?! And all to unload on me! I can’t do it anymore… Worse, she sometimes hits me up to see if I have any Xanax left. I’ve told her a million times that I don’t (I actually have a whole bottle full) and that all I have is my Klonopin, which she knows I need. If it’s not that, she’s asking for Vicodin, which I don’t get for my back anymore because of the opioid crisis. Mind you, I only ever took 2 a day for 2 days, so I’m not addicted. But she’s a substance abuser (alcohol, pills) and seems to expect me to be her supplier. Sorry, but this pharmacy is closed. Keep asking and I’ll stop taking your calls all together. It’ll be one less stress in my life…

Fuck it…

I’m going to watch my favorite segment from Xanadu to destress and put the biggest smile on my face. Hell, maybe I’ll put in my DVD. I’ve decided today is my day and I’ll do with it as I damn well please. And what I damn well please is to be left the fuck alone for a while to regain some sanity. I think that sounds fair and just… Or maybe I’m deluding myself…

Depression Hurts… And Cymbalta Can’t Help…

Did you ever see those stupid commercials? “Depression hurts; Cymbalta can help.” I seriously thing they need to change their slogan…

One thing I always tell the doctors is that I don’t want a med that will suck the creativity right out of me and I don’t want one that will make me fat. I’ve always been very thin, so a large amount of weight gain just makes me more depressed and the stupid med doesn’t work anyway because now I’m depressed that I’m fat. How is this helping me again…? And it’s the same with every shrink I’ve ever seen. They either don’t care or don’t listen. Then I either need to find a new one (which isn’t easy where I live in hickville) or I need to get loud and aggressive. Hell, my shrink flat out told me the Cymbalta didn’t raise my cholesterol. Seriously?! Then why was it fine before I started taking it, huh?

This is what my scale would tell me… if I had one…

I don’t think he watches TV. All the antidepressant ads tell you in teeny weeny eye strain-o-vision print that it can raise blood sugar and cholesterol. I wonder why… Look up the ingredients. One is sugar, the next listed is sucrose. So… sugar and more sugar! Thankfully, my sugar went back to normal (well, kind of) after I was done taking it. My cholesterol, though… Totally different story.

What I find amusing is that, when I spoke to my main doctor when this all started, he asked me how much I weighed. I said, “Fat…” So he repeated himself and again I said, more emphatically, “FAT…!” I told him I gained 30 pounds, but not how much I currently weigh. I don’t care if you’re a doctor or not, it’s just rude to ask a woman that question. Especially when she used to be about 30 to 40 pounds lighter.

So I meet with this dietician via video visit. I gave her my medical history, all the shit that happened, bashed the hell out of Cymbalta… Between that and my needs (treat it aggressively!), she came up with a game plan. Mind you, I’d already made some changes when I was told about this reactive hypoglycemia and had begun eating a lot of protein and no carbs. She rattled off so much shit… But she said not to worry, she’d send me stuff in the mail. That was Wednesday. The packet arrived Monday… I’m not even going to ask… So I’m reading it over and realized I was already doing most of this already and that the list of foods I could eat was getting progressively smaller. She put me on a bariatric diet, like those people on My 600 Pound Life… I don’t even weigh 200! Anyway, I need to eat 6 meals a day (small ones). The 3 large meals I need to eat 300 calories and so much protein. Snacks are 100 calories and less protein. No carbs. It equals to 1200 calories a day! I don’t think I’ve ever eaten 1200 calories a day! I’m trying, but it’s too much food and making me sick.

All I know right now is that all this stress certainly isn’t helping…

So I’m stressed out, worried I’ll have a heart attack or stroke, and they want to take away the one vice that actually keeps me calm… cigarettes.

This diet change sucks as well. I don’t feel any better, I haven’t seen any pounds melting off like they should. Hell, the people on that show are told, if they follow the diet, they can easily lose 100 pounds in a month. I’ve been doing this over a week and I don’t think I’ve lost even a pound. How sad is that?! I don’t know what to do anymore, but I’m sick of living in fear of everything all the time. My anxiety is way off the charts, which will only help a heart attack along. I feel sorry for myself a lot, cry… I’m so stressed and then I have people dumping their shit on me. Even in isolation, it never ends…

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