Did you ever see those stupid commercials? “Depression hurts; Cymbalta can help.” I seriously thing they need to change their slogan…

One thing I always tell the doctors is that I don’t want a med that will suck the creativity right out of me and I don’t want one that will make me fat. I’ve always been very thin, so a large amount of weight gain just makes me more depressed and the stupid med doesn’t work anyway because now I’m depressed that I’m fat. How is this helping me again…? And it’s the same with every shrink I’ve ever seen. They either don’t care or don’t listen. Then I either need to find a new one (which isn’t easy where I live in hickville) or I need to get loud and aggressive. Hell, my shrink flat out told me the Cymbalta didn’t raise my cholesterol. Seriously?! Then why was it fine before I started taking it, huh?

I don’t think he watches TV. All the antidepressant ads tell you in teeny weeny eye strain-o-vision print that it can raise blood sugar and cholesterol. I wonder why… Look up the ingredients. One is sugar, the next listed is sucrose. So… sugar and more sugar! Thankfully, my sugar went back to normal (well, kind of) after I was done taking it. My cholesterol, though… Totally different story.

What I find amusing is that, when I spoke to my main doctor when this all started, he asked me how much I weighed. I said, “Fat…” So he repeated himself and again I said, more emphatically, “FAT…!” I told him I gained 30 pounds, but not how much I currently weigh. I don’t care if you’re a doctor or not, it’s just rude to ask a woman that question. Especially when she used to be about 30 to 40 pounds lighter.

So I meet with this dietician via video visit. I gave her my medical history, all the shit that happened, bashed the hell out of Cymbalta… Between that and my needs (treat it aggressively!), she came up with a game plan. Mind you, I’d already made some changes when I was told about this reactive hypoglycemia and had begun eating a lot of protein and no carbs. She rattled off so much shit… But she said not to worry, she’d send me stuff in the mail. That was Wednesday. The packet arrived Monday… I’m not even going to ask… So I’m reading it over and realized I was already doing most of this already and that the list of foods I could eat was getting progressively smaller. She put me on a bariatric diet, like those people on My 600 Pound Life… I don’t even weigh 200! Anyway, I need to eat 6 meals a day (small ones). The 3 large meals I need to eat 300 calories and so much protein. Snacks are 100 calories and less protein. No carbs. It equals to 1200 calories a day! I don’t think I’ve ever eaten 1200 calories a day! I’m trying, but it’s too much food and making me sick.

All I know right now is that all this stress certainly isn’t helping…

So I’m stressed out, worried I’ll have a heart attack or stroke, and they want to take away the one vice that actually keeps me calm… cigarettes.

This diet change sucks as well. I don’t feel any better, I haven’t seen any pounds melting off like they should. Hell, the people on that show are told, if they follow the diet, they can easily lose 100 pounds in a month. I’ve been doing this over a week and I don’t think I’ve lost even a pound. How sad is that?! I don’t know what to do anymore, but I’m sick of living in fear of everything all the time. My anxiety is way off the charts, which will only help a heart attack along. I feel sorry for myself a lot, cry… I’m so stressed and then I have people dumping their shit on me. Even in isolation, it never ends…