Holy shit, I arted!!!

Yes, I realize “art” can’t be used as a verb, but it seemed appropriate for the occasion. It’s been so long since I made any art, I figured it deemed the use of poor grammar, hahahaa!

I’ve been wanting to make a new self portrait for a long time, ever since I got my new glasses. There were two issues… One was that I got 2 pairs and wasn’t sure which to use in my portrait. As you can see, I went with the “sparkly, going out to the dance club” frames. The other issue I had was my depression. I have to be just the right amount of depressed to draw. Too happy and I can’t draw for shit. Too depressed and I have the same issue, if I even feel like picking up a pencil at all. Plus my meds seem to squelch every bit of imagination and creativity I have, which doesn’t help. But one day, I just felt like drawing and here it is! I’m very proud of it! I even went overboard with detail…

I think I need to thank my junior high music teacher for the sudden inspiration…

Every day on Facebook, he posts some sort of musical challenge. Post a song with a certain word or words in it, post a song with a name or color in the title, things of that nature. One day, it was post your favorite song from a musical. That was tough… I wanted to use “One” from A Chorus Line, but I was feeling nice and didn’t want to have people miserable from having it run through their heads all day long. Instead, I chose “Day By Day” from Godspell. Yes, it came out the year I was born, but I always loved that song. I realize how weird that is since I’m an atheist, but I don’t think about that with music. It makes me feel good and that’s all I care about. On a side note… In my high school’s auditorium, they made huge paintings of the plays they had done over the years. Godspell had been up there even when I was a kid. Nice to know it still hangs there to this day. It was always my favorite painting.

On another note…

Another of my favorite feel good songs is “Happiness Runs” by Donovan (which was used in a cat food ad, I think it was Friskies). I’m also partial to “Wear Your Love Like Heaven” (this video will give you a good look at how hippy-dippy he lived)… Actually, anything Donovan is great. When I find myself feeling down or anxious, these are my two “go to” songs to relax myself as well as “Day By Day”. I either listen to them or, sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, I’ll just start singing. Suddenly, I’m finding myself calmer and more grounded.

Music will do that to you…

I once watched a program where they had a segment about music and its direct effect on the part of your brain that controls mood. The example they used was the original “Gloomy Sunday” (the Hungarian one). They were going through a depression during that time and the song actually caused people to take their own lives. Take a listen, you’ll understand why. The remake by Billie Holiday was nowhere near as depressing… Personally, when I just need to chill, I listen to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon album and I get very relaxed and calm.

But back to the subject…

Yesterday’s challenge was to post a song with “life, live or alive” in the title. First I posted “So Alive” by Love and Rockets. Then I decided to add another song and chose ELO’s “I’m Alive” from one of my favorite movies, Xanadu. Great movie, great soundtrack… My parents took my sister and I to see this when I was 7. I didn’t want to go, but as soon as I saw the muses coming out of the mural, my jaw hit the floor. It was as if someone had reached in my head, pulled an idea I had out of my head and put it on screen. I’m still in awe every single time I watch it, which I did yesterday. It’s inspiring!

In fact, Xanadu inspired this really old drawing I did of the ( Muses in Greek mythology (Zesu’s daughters) if they were more modern and up to date. From left to right, they and their roles are: Terpsichore – choral song and dance. Erato – the poetry of love. Euterpe – music or lyric poetry. Melpomene – tragedy. Polyhymnia – oratory or sacred poetry. Calliope – epic poetry and eloquence. Clio – history. Urania – astronomy. Thalia – comedy. Personally, I like Melpomene best. Look how neurotic she is! She’s also taking Valium, hahahaa! Maybe one say I’ll re-do this one. I drew this so many years ago… I think it’s time for an update.

Now, like I said, I haven’t drawn anything in a very long time. I hadn’t gotten much done on my new self portrait, so yesterday I decided to grab my iPod and headphones and just lose myself in the art and music. I had already spoken to Morticia as she was driving to work, though I didn’t really want to. I’ve been very anti-social lately… So I figure I’m safe, I’ll have time to lose myself in everything, that is my zen.

Next thing you know, I see the message pop up on my MacBook that I had an incoming call from Morticia… Are you fucking serious?! This was maybe an hour into my zen moment! What happened to work?! I know she was bitching she wasn’t feeling well (it’s her nerves) which she tells me every fucking day. Well, she ended up leaving work and coming home early. God forbid she should not call me when she has free time. Find a fucking hobby! Besides me… I swear, there are days I feel like smashing my phone with a sledge hammer…

I’m going to print this puppy out and make it my motivational poster…

I’ve been in a foul mood the last few days. I bought myself a scale to keep an eye on whether or not this new diet they have me on to lose the Cymbalta blubber is working. I was not happy to see that, even though I’ve been eating little and healthy the past 2 months, I gained 10 pounds! What the fuck is going on here?!? I’m about to lose my shit… I spent hours crying. And to make sure I wasn’t disturbed, I told Morticia and everyone who likes to disturb me at bad times, that I wasn’t in a good mental state and to leave me alone until I felt better. Well, you know Morticia called me the next day. I ignored her… Yesterday I did talk to her and I told her what was wrong. The reason I don’t is because she keeps telling me I look fine, I’m not that heavy and she argues with me when I tell her otherwise. So yesterday I got snippy with her and told her that I wasn’t happy with how I looked and felt and that’s what matters. She seems to have gotten the message. For now…

I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress lately… I’m sure that’s not helping my weight issue. Which, by the way, is part of my stress. But I have a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now.

Then Morticia dumps all of her stresses on me. I’m sorry, I just can’t… A lot of times I don’t pick up the phone. First of all, why do you need to call me a half dozen times a day?! And all to unload on me! I can’t do it anymore… Worse, she sometimes hits me up to see if I have any Xanax left. I’ve told her a million times that I don’t (I actually have a whole bottle full) and that all I have is my Klonopin, which she knows I need. If it’s not that, she’s asking for Vicodin, which I don’t get for my back anymore because of the opioid crisis. Mind you, I only ever took 2 a day for 2 days, so I’m not addicted. But she’s a substance abuser (alcohol, pills) and seems to expect me to be her supplier. Sorry, but this pharmacy is closed. Keep asking and I’ll stop taking your calls all together. It’ll be one less stress in my life…

Fuck it…

I’m going to watch my favorite segment from Xanadu to destress and put the biggest smile on my face. Hell, maybe I’ll put in my DVD. I’ve decided today is my day and I’ll do with it as I damn well please. And what I damn well please is to be left the fuck alone for a while to regain some sanity. I think that sounds fair and just… Or maybe I’m deluding myself…