A while back, I mentioned that I might be moving to a nicer neighborhood… It’s been about 3 months since I’ve looked at that trailer and the woman who runs the park finally decided to approve residency. No, it wasn’t because of COVID-19. She’s just lazy and doesn’t want to work…

After hearing this news, I was out at the kitchen sink and happened to look outside. I immediately burst into tears.

The thing is, aside from the fact that I’m very opposed to change (and I’ve lived here 14 years) and I live in the “hood”, the back of my house is decidedly different. The back of the house has a lot of shady maples (in a postage stamp yard), a creek running through behind the back fence… It’s like night and day. And I love my yard with the trees, my lilacs, the honeysuckle growing on the other side of the creek, all the wildlife that ends up in the yard… I grew up in an area that had that. Can’t have that in a trailer park.

And, after this many months of this woman dragging her feet, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to staying here. So this was like another bombshell dropped on me. I’ve had enough of those lately… I’ve always had this deep connection with nature and I don’t know if I can just up and leave it to live in a trailer park.

There are other issues as well. A stray cat showed up in my yard and just decided to stay. I think he was abandoned. So I fed him and now I think he’s decided he’s my cat. I can’t take him with me because I don’t think he’d be happy indoors all the time and I won’t abandon him again or he’ll never trust another human. I’ve even decided to name him Donovan (yes, after the hippie-dippy singer). I also don’t know how in the hell I’m going to get anyone to help move with this social distancing shit…

Or maybe my biggest thing is that I just don’t feel like moving the shit tons of crap I’ve accumulated over the years…

I know it sounds weird… “But you said you were a hippie and hippies are free spirits!” Yes, they are! And so am I… Being now opposed to this move has nothing to do with me wanting to stay in a home I put roots down in. Actually, in all honesty, I’m not sure I want to look out my windows and see my neighbors’ trailers. I’m used to seeing trees and nature. It’s the only thing I love about living here. I’m not sure how I would handle looking out only to see the walls of someone else’s home… And what of my lilacs? Can I transfer the plant without it dying? What of that tall, thin maple? I grew him from a seedling! I can’t leave him behind… But can you transplant a maple of about 12+ feet that easily no matter how thin it is? And I promise, my other flower bulbs and flowering shrubs would be coming with me. They don’t stay behind…

Well… it doesn’t really matter…

No matter where I go, no matter where I end up, I’ll still be the same Jackie Blue who “lives her life from inside of her room”. That room being the place inside my mind.

I kind of live half inside this world and half inside a world I created in my mind the majority of the time anyway. So does it really matter at which location I live that way…? I don’t know… I suppose it doesn’t. My world will still be my world and I can make the surroundings match whatever the world inside my head reflects. If I could do it here in the hood, I can do it somewhere else, right…? Right…?! Nothing about me will change wherever I go. I’ll still be the same me… But… no nature in a trailer park… Very few trees, no creek which means no walking through the creek on hot summer afternoons… I’m so torn about all this. I honestly don’t know what to do. Not to mention that the idea of packing up an entire house in a short period of time seems like an impossibility. Had I known earlier that she was going to give approval, I would have been done with the majority of the packing. But thanks to her procrastination, I’m pressed for time. It may be better to stay here…

I often thought I was reaching for the moon with this idea of moving…

That’s what I do… I reach for the moon because I know it won’t happen, so I’m still safely in my own little world. And, now that the moon is actually within my grasp, I’m not sure how to handle it or what to do. I know it’s a financially better option, but… I just don’t know. So if any of you, my dear readers, have any advice, drop a comment. I’d love to get some feedback on what you guys would do in my situation…