So, About Those Demons…

No, not this kind of demon! Although I’d probably like mine a lot better if they had a visage and looked like this… What the fuck, anime and manga artists! Stop making things that are supposed to be bad so incredibly hot!

All of us have our demons (again, sadly, not ones like the anime/manga types). Maybe it’s a regret you have over something you did or didn’t do, that time you should have turned right and made a left in life, that drunken one night stand… And those are more pleasant examples. Some of us have much worse demons to wrestle with.

Then there are the other kinds of demons… the ones that come with mental illness, the ones your brain creates to torture you and keep you living in fear and anguish forever. Your brain can be both your best friend and your worst enemy. It can keep you occupied when you’re bored or overthink things when you’re not occupied. It can give you the most pleasant dreams or the most horrifying of nightmares. And that’s if your brain is normal… But if you’re mentally ill… Well, that’s a whole different ball of wax. It in and of itself is quite literally your worst enemy. And you feel powerless against it.

Seriously, Japan… stop making such attractive demons!

As one who suffers from bipolar disorder, my brain obviously does wonky things. It can throw me into a deep depression where I do nothing but lie around like a useless lump for weeks or months on end or it throws me into hypo-manic states where I’m flipping shit on everything and everyone. Or it’ll rarely throw me into a hyper-manic state, which I kind of like because I’m super productive and energetic for about 4 days. The downside to this is the inevitable crash that comes afterward where I’m just this emotional mess that sits on the kitchen floor, curled up in a ball and crying. Fun times… But, truth be told, I can handle that fairly well, the depression and mania. I’ve been like this for so many years, most of which I wasn’t on meds (that was taboo back then, to admit you or a family member was mentally ill), so I had to control it on my own. And I think I did a damn good job, considering the fact that I’m still here and writing to you, dear readers…

But my crazy, bipolar mood swings aren’t the biggest demon I face every day… My demon’s name is anxiety…

Honestly, I can handle the ups and downs of being bipolar well enough. But anxiety… That’s the worst demon of all for me. It comes out of nowhere, “strike fast, strike hard, no mercy, sir!” (if you don’t get that reference, go watch the original Karate Kid). Nothing or everything can set it off and it’s damn near impossible to control once it’s struck. You’re suddenly in a full blown, 5 alarm state of panic and you have no idea why. Worse, anxiety like that can cause you to have physical symptoms which convince you that you’re having a heart attack, which causes more panic.

They can’t all be charming like Sebastian, here…

Once, many years ago, I was able to control that as well, once I knew what was happening. I was able to talk myself down by telling myself it was just an anxiety attack and I wasn’t dying, I’d be fine. Eventually it would pass.

But since menopause… I’ve been a total mess and nothing helps. It gets so out of control that, even if I tell myself it’s nothing more than an anxiety attack, I’m still thoroughly convinced I’m having a heart attack. Even though I now know why I have this issue (careful what you let your kids see on TV, folks), I can’t seem to shake it. In fact, my anxiety became so bad that my OCD went all out of whack. It used to just be checking to see if the door was locked a million times a day, things like that. But, the way I lost my ovaries… I felt as if nothing was under my control (not good for a control freak) and I developed a fear of germs. I have my “clean” areas in the house. Nothing comes into them without getting washed first and nothing dirty comes in. What a bother…

I’m literally a prisoner of my demon named anxiety… I can’t shake it, can’t control it. Not even meds help all the time…

Yesterday I decided to go shopping for a few things at this home store. Mind you, I live in an area where cities are more like large tons compared to big cities like New York or Los Angeles. So really, there’s nothing to freak out about, yet as soon as the car was in the parking lot, I began to panic and totally lose my shit. But I didn’t drive all that way for nothing, so I went in. Looking at all the interesting things, the beautiful decor and furniture, it kept my brain occupied enough that it shut up for a while. After that, I went to 2 more stores, one of which was Joanne’s. I love that store a little too much. Even with most things up to 90% off, I still spent more than I intended just because I was getting inspired with all the art supplies. Needless to say, shopping trips like that tend to throw me into a hyper-manic state and the anxiety goes away. But it always comes back…

Hopefully one day I’ll break free from the anxiety demons I carry around. At the very least, hopefully I can tame them and make them little, cute and fluffy…

Until then, I guess I’ll just have to try my damndest to tell myself that it’s nothing more than my brain turning against me and I’m fine. The downside to this is that, at some point, I won’t be fine and my dumb ass will be telling myself it’s just my anxiety… just like I did when I got my last EKG. I honestly thought my anxiety was just off the charts that day. Sadly, I was wrong… So now I have to try and determine every single time I have a fart twisted whether or not it’s worth worrying about because it’s just anxiety or if it really is a matter for concern. Some days I wish I could just curl up under my blanket and hide from the crazy part of my brain that tells me I’m going to die. Life would be so much bette that way…

Musings and Muses

Yes, I know I’ve used this drawing before, but, old as it is, it’s still one of my favorites. I was watching Xanadu, I believe, when I came up with the idea of what the muses would look like given a more modern day upgrade. This is what I came up with. Honestly, I still think it’s an amusing piece, even though I know damn well that I can draw much better and have improved a lot of my techniques over the years. But, then again, it wasn’t supposed to be the most gorgeous drawing. It was meant to be comical, which is why I drew them in this fashion.

Mind you, they used to have color that has chipped off.

I found this nice, brief description of the muses:

The nine muses in Greek mythology were goddesses of the arts and sciences, and were daughters of Zeus, the king of the gods, and Mnemosyne, the goddess of memory.

Thalia – Muse of comedy and idyllic poetry. She is usually shown holding a comic mask, a shepherd’s crook, and a wreath of ivy.
Melpomene [mel-po-men-ee] – Muse of tragedy. She is usually shown holding a tragic mask, the club of Hercules, and a wreath or vine leaves.
Clio – Muse of history.
Euterpe – Muse of lyric poetry.
Terpsichore – Muse of music and dancing.
Erato – Muse of erotic poetry.
Calliope – Muse of epic poetry and rhetoric.
Urania – Muse of astronomy.
Polyhymnia or Polymnia – Muse of sacred hymns and harmony. I’m sorry if that was a bit boring… I’ve had a passing’s for Greek mythology since I was a very young girl, so these stories and myths are like old friends to me.

Not gonna lie… That mask is creepy as fuck…

I feel like my own personal Muse right now is Melpomene, the Muse of tragedy…

Yeah, I wish I could say I was exaggerating on that. It just seems like, when something good happens, something always comes along to burst my bubble. Literally always… That’s why I’m a pessimist most of the time. Then, when bad things happen, I expected them to and I’m not surprised or disappointed. On the other hand, if things go well, it’s a pleasant surprise. Though I must admit, I’m sometimes skeptical… Good things happen so rarely that, when they do, I’m just sitting here waiting for that bomb to drop.

One got dropped the other day… I was so proud that I lost some weight that made it seem like I was getting somewhere finally. Yeah… I weighed in at that weight for about 2 days. I weighed myself yesterday and it said I gained 2 pounds back! What the actual fuck?! Is my scale defective, fucking with me?! Or did I really gain 2 pounds of blubber back?! I don’t get it… I do what that asshole nutritionalist says and I’m still not losing shit…

I also seem to have an anti-muse… That would be Morticia…

I know it’s her weekend off, but when I hadn’t heard from her and it was almost noon, I decided to work on one of my short stories. I had ideas just whizzing through my skull and I was so excited. I haven’t done anything creative in a long time. So I whip out my MacBook, get her fired up and pulled up the file. I typed maybe 2 words and my phone rang. I literally screamed, “Nooooooo!!” I knew it was her. Sure enough… She’ll sometimes call me a half dozen times a day and always to bitch about the same shit. Literally. I’m never in the mood for it, but yesterday I was really fed up. So I decided, since what she was blathering on about was nothing new, that I was going to watch a few of my Japanese music videos. I spent that entire conversation bopping around, lip synching and occasionally throwing in an “uh-huh”. She had no idea, but I didn’t hear one word she said. I had successfully tuned her out (thanks to L’Arc~en~Ciel).

So I’m in a good mood, which that band has that effect on me, and I managed to get off the phone with Morticia early, thinking I could start writing again. Nope… By then, whatever I had in my head was gone.

It’s that toxic effect she has on me… It’s as if she’s recorded herself on a loop reel or something… “Gomez and I had a fight (shocking), he’s such a dick, I’m tired of him treating me like shit. I hate my job. I can’t keep working 2 jobs, it’s too much. My hand is so bad, soon I won’t be able to take care of myself, I hate being crippled (this comes with crocodile tears). I’m so broke, I have no money, I don’t know how I’m going to pay for my car or my car insurance.” Literally, every single fucking time she calls! It’s enough to drive a person to drink… Maybe that’s why she drinks so much. But, you know, she’s not an alcoholic or anything. She drinks every day, but not to get drunk. She doesn’t need that drink, she wants it… I hate to tell her, but, she’s a fucking alcoholic! My family is riddled with them and, several years ago, I lost one of my cousins to alcohol. It’s sad… I remember when I was very little, maybe about 3 or 4. He was 17 and used to play his guitar for me. I loved listening to him. I don’t know what happened to change him.

Who is this character? I’d like to know because I’ve seen that look before… in the mirror…

Anyway… The point is, these are things that are easily solved or contradictory. You’re sick of Gomez treating you like shit? Dump his sorry ass! You hate your job? Go find a better one and quit! You can’t keep working 2 jobs? Make your shiftless kid and his girlfriend pay half the expenses and tell him to get a real job! Your hand is that fucked up? Go apply for disability and welfare like everyone else! See? These problems have simple solutions, she just doesn’t want to hear it. Though I did shut her up about being crippled… My alcoholic cousin’s wife was a hairdresser with rheumatoid arthritis. She’d get up in the morning, take a fist full of ibuprofen and wash it down with vodka to dull the pain so she could work. She died at 36 because of it. Morticia hasn’t said a work about being crippled since. Besides, I find it offensive. My knees are so bad, I can’t walk up stairs, can’t step up onto a sidewalk from the street, can’t sit on the toilet. I literally fall down because the pain is so bad and they give out. I sometimes use a cane. I don’t want to hear you’re “crippled”…

As for her not having money… Well, that’s her own fault. If you’re that broke, why is it you have money to run to the liquor store a few times a week? Why is it you have money to spend on local trips a few times a year? Better yet, how do you have money for a trip to fucking Mexico?! I guess she didn’t like what I had to say the other day because she changed the subject and began babbling about whether or not she needed a passport for her trip to Mexico in October… Where we live, you have to fly there or it would take forever. But… if you’re so short of funds and are wondering how you’re going to pay bills, how can you afford a trip to Mexico?! Priorities, woman! Priorities!!!

I know I shouldn’t let her bother me so much… That’s rather difficult to do when she calls so often whether I answer or not. It’s also difficult to do when someone just constantly dumps their baggage on you. Thanks, but I have enough of my own baggage that would fill an entire cargo hold of a 747. I don’t need that of other people.

She’s really affecting me in negative ways. I haven’t drawn much or written much at all, save for my profile picture, in probably about a year. I just can’t seem to find any Muse except Melpomene, the Muse of tragedy… I really need to tell her to piss off for a while, but even if I tell her I’m in a mood, I’ll call her when I’m feeling better, she still calls me. Yeah, I magically got better in an hour… So how do you nicely tell someone to fuck off for a while and tell someone who gives a flying fuck…? Thoughts? Please comment if you have any ideas, I’m desperate, here…

Things Are Looking A Bit Brighter

So I came on to write and share a bit of good news with you, my dear readers (not spectacular news, but it’s pretty good, I think) and I see I have a notification. I now have 35 of you following my blog! Thank you so much, all of you, for listening to my whining, bitching, freaking out and downright weirdness! You deserve the applause (from one of my favorite GIF files)!

Over the years, I’ve had many blogs… I think they’re all still active except for one and that’s because the site just went bye-bye… These things happen and that’s okay. But I still have multiple blogs that I’ve long since abandoned because… well… I was the only one who read them. Though it was nice to go back and see what I was thinking at the time at least. So I applaud you, all my followers! I feel very appreciated, like someone cares what I have to say! Thank you so much!

Now I’m going to applaud myself with a GIF… I just love Joseph Gordon Levitt… I follow him on Twitter and he is such a sweet man, seriously. But too young for me. I’d be a cougar, hahahaa…

Anyway, this is part of my good news, the reason I’m applauding myself. I’ve lost weight! And I don’t mean a pound or so! At my highest, I’m ashamed to say, was 182 (I’m 5’8″, so it didn’t look horrible). I got down to 180 where I hovered forever. I’ve been keeping an eye on it and it just seemed to be going nowhere. I was crushed and frustrated. I pay out of pocket for these hack nutritionalists and lost squat. Well, the past few days I’ve been checking my weight, watching it go down by a few ounces at a time. This morning, I weighed in at 175.8! Boo-ya, bitches! I lost almost 5 pounds! Go me!!!

I know you guys can’t see it, but I’m seriously doing a happy dance right now! But, rest assured, it’s not as bad as the “Carlton Dance” (for those who don’t get the reference, watch The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air). I’ve always liked to think that Alfonso Rivera really didn’t dance this bad…

At least I have something to keep me happy right now. With all this bad shit going on in the world and all the people seeming to be turning radical over every little thing, it’s nice that I have some good news for once! I’m tired of unhappy news… I’m tired of depression and anxiety. I need a bit of happy and this is it! I actually am losing some of that Cymbalta weight!

It’s about time, too… You know, I thought they were full of shit when they told me I wasn’t eating enough and had to eat more calories in a day to get my metabolism kick started. One of the drawbacks of surgically induced menopause… You literally lose everything, just like that. So your symptoms are 100 times worse and, on top of it, you have old lady issues, which include your metabolism going down the tubes.

So I’m feeling pretty cavalier at the moment and tried to find a picture to reflect that and found this…

Okay, I had no idea these guys had songs other that “AEIOU Sometimes Y“. I liked that song when it came out. Still do… Weird song, weird video… I thought it was a one hit wonder (a regular phenomenon in the 80s) and had no idea they had a whole album! And… I shouldn’t have looked up that song for you guys… Aside from the fact that it’s now stuck in my head, which is never a good thing because it will be there all damn day, but then they kept having all these other awesome 80s tunes listed in the sidebar! I swear, I just spent 5 minutes looking at them! “Ooh, I love that song!” *clicks on video and adds to favorites before seeing another that must be added*

However, I have odd tastes… Back when I was growing up, while everyone was only obsessed with popular groups, I also had a penchant for the weird groups/artists. Take for instance Thomas Dolby. Yeah, everyone and there mom knows “She Blinded Me With Science”. But actually, the first one I fell for was “Radio Silence” as well as “Europa and the Pirate Twins“. Those were and still are some of my favorites. Actually, it was “Radio Silence” that inspired the characters for the comic/manga (whichever you wish to call it). My main male character was actually fashioned after Thomas Dolby himself (to a degree). I mean, he doesn’t look exactly like him, but that was definitely where the inspiration came from.

And here he is… Wow, this drawing was made so long ago… I’m sure I can do better now, but it requires me to purchase a program I only had on my tower and another that doesn’t run on Mac, only Windows. I miss Paint Tool SAI…

I refuse to get into too much detail! If I do, where will the mystery be, right…? But I will tell you a bit about Sasuke, here. Obviously he’s a scientist (hence the lab coat) as Thomas Dolby, in some ways, portrayed himself in those 2 videos. But that wasn’t why I made him a scientist… it’s part of the storyline. Anyway… I’m sure you can guess from the picture that he’s not the nicest person. He’s a sociopath. Please don’t think all sociopaths are murderers like TV has you believe. They’re not (I should know). Sasuke has some feelings, but some he just can’t feel because he’s just incapable. He’s not good with people, has no idea how to communicate with them and tends to treat the lead female as a possession. He has his reasons… Anyway, that’s not what my point was. Can you see the Thomas Dolby inspiration here…? I hope so…

Maybe I should send him that drawing…

About 10 years ago (maybe more), I was just screwing around doodling things and made this little chibi of Thomas Dolby. I found he had a website, so I sent him an email. I had to send a link (it was too big to attach) and said I knew that opening strange links could be harmful to open, but that I hoped he would open this one to see the doodle I drew of him as it was too big to send. I told him how he had inspired the work I was currently doing and thanked him for it and hoped he liked the picture. Imagine my surprise that I got a reply! I’m sure it was written by his staff or whoever, but that short, 2 word reply of, “Sweet, thanks!” was enough to make me feel like I was queen of the world, if only for a short time. I could use that type of feeling again…

Wow, this entry was all over the place (I was distracted by 80s tunes). So I guess I’ll wrap it up with my newest “That 70s Island” picture! The pink rhino, Renee, had wanted to move… I had a hard choice between telling her not to go and to stay. But my male/female ratio is off. So what do I do? I move in Audie, the wolf (female). Ugh… But I really like her and she’s so cute! I’m hoping that I can get rid of one more female (she knows who she is) and then I’ll get another male. Maybe I’ll find the one I want!

I Wish I Could Go Deaf For A Day

Please don’t take offense to the title… Actually, I said this to a friend who is legally deaf and she thought my frankness was comical. So please don’t be offended. Normally I don’t care if I offend people, but I know this is something to get offended about…

Anyway… wouldn’t it be wonderful if they actually made a product like this…? I’d by “Shut The Fuck Up Spray” by the skid if they did! Then I’d hook it up to my garden hose for a broader range and shut a lot of people the fuck up. Imagine the possibilities! Life would be so much sweeter and more enjoyable if certain people would literally just shut the fuck up! It would be glorious!

I’m already making a mental list of the people I would use this on… But it would have to be the type of spray that would not only shut them the fuck up verbally, but also make them shut the fuck up on Facebook, Twitter… just every-fucking-where so you’d never have to hear or see their bullshit , their hate spreading, their narrow-mindedness ever again. We need this spray… Or someone needs to start giving out free lobotomies…

I know, you’re all wishing you could use that spray on me right now…

All I really want is peace and quiet. I want to go on facebook again and see funny memes or stories on how your life is going, cool pictures… You know, how it used to be before the elections when Trump somehow managed to get into office, before the country began falling apart, before COVID-19 and George Floyd… Before a group of crazy people began rioting, before police brutality reached its zenith, before everyone went full on fucking nut case, posting either horrible things or which lives matter and the inequality of communities. Listen, I don’t care what the fuck color you are, your religious affiliation, your sexual orientation… I’m looking at this from a logical standpoint. If you call yourselves a “community”, you’re the ones segregating yourselves. We’re all of us just one race… the human race. Though at this point, some people don’t belong in that category…

Take Morticia, for instance…

It was getting late last night and I thought, “Holy shit, a night of peace and quiet!” Nope… I was wrong. She called soon after that. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I have my own financial woes, my own health issues. I don’t need to hear hers every one of the half dozen times she calls me in a day. With this ischemia, I haven’t been feeling well and stress seems to make it a lot worse. But she doesn’t care about that… She only cares that I’m the one with a heart condition and why is it me and not her. Munchausen’s!

Last night she had heard, second hand, that some older gentleman got kicked out of a chain pharmacy and told not to come back because he was wearing an American flag shirt. She went off on a tangent, “He’s a vet! He fought for our country, he has every right to wear that! I want to go down there wearing mine! Just try and kick me out!” Seriously… there are more important things to get so incensed about. Besides, I told her, as per the constitution, the American flag is not to be used commercially as in clothing, tablecloths, paper plates, napkins, etc. Yet we still do it. Technically, every time you use the flag as anything other than the flag, you’re in the wrong.

She grumbled a bit, but eventually shut the fuck up about it… for a little while. I eventually told her I didn’t really care about such things. It’s just a flag. She got more pissed and told me that flag stands for freedom! I literally fucking laughed at her. I didn’t mean to, it just kind of slipped out. Or maybe I did mean to, I don’t know… I’m sorry, but for a country that’s so free and has freedom of speech, why does Facebook have these flying monkey minions not allowing me to post certain shit? And now that I called them on it, it’s worse than ever! Sorry, I thought you guys understood that private account means just that. Private… Stay the fuck out of my business. I think the thing is, as long as your opinion is one agreed upon by the masses, it’s okay to post. Otherwise, they’re going to be all over you like flies on shit. Yeah… that’s really freedom. We don’t have freedom of anything and haven’t for a long time.

The stupid thing is, those who know what’s going on with me and that I want to avoid any stress and bullshit, that I want to keep things as relaxed and calm as possible don’t seem to get it… What’s so hard to understand here?! I can’t have my heart racing like a fucking jackrabbit’s right now! I’m trying to avoid all negativity or flat out stupidity and lunacy until I go get that test done to see what’s really going on in there. And my appointment isn’t until July 27th… That’s over a month from now. And I have to avoid this shit until then?! I’m not sure it’s possible… Not unless I tell Morticia she’s toxic to me and I need to not talk to het for a little while. But there’s not way to put that politely, is there…? “Hey, I need to avoid you for a while because you’re one of my biggest stressors and my heart can’t handle that right now.” That… sounds impolite…

So for now, I’ll just keep playing my game to escape… I finally got the one piece I’ve been wanting, the Japanese pagoda, here. I put my beautiful moon seat neat to it with the star fragments and star crystals around it, even added some candles… This is my new favorite place on my island and I feel very happy and at peace when I see it. So I’m making a few other changes to my island. It keeps me busy but calm. That’s all I can do right now…

Did You Ever Wonder…

I’m all too familiar with this position…

I’ve been very depressed and anxious lately…

Sometimes I think I’m on a placebo or something. Every anti-depressant I’ve ever taken works for a few months (if I’m lucky) and, after that, it’s like I may as well be popping Mentos for how much good they do me. Even when they up the dosage, it does nothing.

Oh wait… I’m wrong… Upping my dosage will do one thing for me. It will make me really fat, apparently. I’m not surprised. Take a good look, those of you on any type of medication, no matter what it’s for, at the ingredients of your pills. I bet dollars to doughnuts that one of the ingredients is either sugar or sucrose (which is also sugar). What the fuck do we need sugar in them for?! I still haven’t figured it out…

This, this drawing right here, aptly describes how I feel every day of my life. I can’t escape from my own mind…

I remember once, I believe it was at a party my friend (who only invites me just so I can make deviled eggs) was throwing… A handful of us were chatting and I remember a few bitching about medical issues. Eventually, I grew tired and irritated and told them I would trade places with them any day. At least the conditions they had could be managed with pills or diet and exercise. I told them to imagine your own mind turning on you, making you think or telling you things that aren’t true, and you’re trapped, completely helpless against fighting off the demons of your own mind. Every day is a struggle, an ongoing battle that you know won’t end because your brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s, it has some faulty wiring. Meds don’t fix it. Hell, they rarely even help it. Every day you drag your sorry carcass out of bed, you go through the motions, all while wearing that happy face mask so no one sees that, on the inside, you’re screaming… Like most people, the responses I got made it sound like it would be so easy to just be happy and control those thoughts. Yeah…?! Give it a try sometime, assholes…

I think a lot of the problem is that so many people today are on an anti-depressant and don’t need to be…

Hey, life is hard, okay? No one said being an adult was easy. But you don’t need happy pills just because you feel kind of blah about life. Normal lives are boring! They’re mundane and routine. Get the fuck over it! You don’t need pills that make you happy because life is boring and routine.

Therein lies the problem… Because so many people are on anti-depressants, it makes those of us suffering from real depression look bad. No one takes us seriously… I’ve had some of these things in this drawing said to me, as a matter of fact, especially “you need to get out more” and “you look fine to me”. Yeah… I’ve learned to put up a good front, huh? All of us with a serious mental illness had to learn how to do that. If we didn’t, we knew the stigma we’d face, people thinking we’re faking it, people thinking it was something we could control and didn’t want to. Yeah, I fucking wish…

I won’t lie… The lightbulb going off felt great

Now, I knew I was bipolar since I was 16… I’ve often wondered was it because my home was very dysfunctional or was it something I was born with? Or maybe it was because I had to adult at a young age because the actual adults in my home sucked at it. Who knows…

In any case… My mom came to visit the other day and we were discussing the latest disaster in the health of the astronomical woman who had 2, count them 2, ovarian torsions. Seriously, saying the odds of it happening twice in the same person being astronomical makes me feel like a side show freak… Not the point… We were discussing this new issue of my having ischemia (apparently for 2 years, thanks for telling me ER doc) and that it can cause a heart attack, which happens to be one of my biggest anxieties and has been for years, off and on. When I lost a friend to one, I really went off the deep end and it’s been an obsession that has literally consumed me ever since. Can you imagine living with that fear every fucking second of every fucking day…? I’m in a state of constant terror!

Now I just need to figure out the solution…

Here’s where the lightbulb comes into play…

My mother told me that, when I was young, not school age yet, I used to watch her soaps with her. I only remember watching Days of our Lives (back in the mid seventies) but she said she watched another one that was on (it still is but I forget which one it was) and the now defunct The Doctors. She told me that in one of them, one of the characters had a heart attack and died and, from that moment on, I was literally obsessed with the idea that everyone was going to have a heart attack and die no matter how she tried to allay my fears. She thought I was too little to understand, but I was not a normal child and understood more than I wish I had. It explains my fear, but not how to fix things. And this ischemia shit isn’t helping with that at all…

I know the cardiologist told me it was nothing to get myself anxious over… But telling a person with severe anxiety that is pretty much pissing in the wind… I’m going to worry and be anxious anyway.

This is why I play Animal Crossing New Horizon so much. It helps me to get through some of the more anxiety inducing things, like the COVID-19 quarantine (which has lasted longer where I live than anywhere else) and some of my other anxieties, like my health. Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well and my heart was racing like a NASCAR car. So the game helped me calm myself a bit. There’s nothing really stressful about it, I can get creative and it’s easy. I grew up with an Atari 2600, people. I couldn’t even play the original NES games when my friends invited me over because I found all those buttons confusing and anxiety inducing. You can imagine how happy I was when they began adding analog sticks to game controllers so I could play video games again without that annoying directional pad… Anyway, you see the happy looking Jackie partying with Coco and Punchy…? I wish I was more like her…

See, that’s the thing…

In the game, you’re given a deserted island and 2 villagers to start with and like next to no resources. I’ve managed to turn my island into the kind of paradise I wish I lived in (though I constantly change the look of it). It’s a bit urban, but a lot of it is rural. I can spend my days how I like. I have a huge house with a lot of acreage I claimed for myself and made it what I want. I have a dream house I made what I want. I can pay off my home loan whenever the fuck I feel like it. I make a shit ton of money catching fish and if I feel like blowing it all on new furniture, flooring, wallpaper or clothes, I fucking do it. My mortgage can wait. It’s a nice change from reality… No wonder she looks so happy…

And you can’t help but laugh at the goofy things they say and do. Poor Sherb… He felt spooky and gassy, hahahaa! He’s cute! I also suspect that Punchy has a crush on me… That’s… kind of odd, actually. I had that in the last game they had for the Nintendo 3DS. It was a white horse with blonde hair named Colton who would send me the most beautifully written letters that sounded a lot like love letters. Creepy, yes. But the sentiment was nice. It’s not like I’ve gotten a ton of love letters in my life…

Or you’ll have something like this… It was another wedding reception party. I always try to get a screen shot as we set off the poppers, but this time, to my surprise, I snapped it too early and got a shot of everyone pulling the string on the poppers. I mean, look at their faces! Except Coco… he face never changes… But everyone else looks like they’re constipated and trying to take a shit! When I first saw that this was the screenshot I took, I laughed so hard, I had tears in my eyes! Seriously, it looks like everyone is trying to shit and can’t!

It’s also a nice escape from the world of fake friends. Out of the few friends I have in real life, only one of them is a real friend and worth my time. The rest are just not worth it… So it’s nice to escape to a place where someone likes you. My villagers don’t know I’m mentally ill and I doubt they’d care. They’re just nice, caring little animals, that’s all. It’s a nice change of pace to have with the world what it is today…

Stick A Fork In Me, I’m Done…

See this…? This was me yesterday… I should have just wrapped myself in tin foil (yes, I know it’s aluminum, but I grew up calling it tin foil) and saved myself as leftovers for today.

So, last entry I told you I had what they call ischemia on the EKG they did. Well, my family doctor didn’t seem to like the looks of it, so he called to get me into a cardiologist ASAP because, otherwise, I’d be waiting months. My family doctor is awesome… Anyway, he wanted them to see me either yesterday or today. No shit, they got me in yesterday. I saw the nurse practitioner, told her what’s been going on and, according to her, I had this on my EKG from 2 years ago when I was really stressed. Nice that the hospital told me that… Well, after our talk, she decided to have a stress echocardiogram done and have me wear a heart monitor halter for 24 hours. Sadly, I can’t get in until July 27th. So if I get worse, I need to go to the ER to get the tests done earlier. Sounds delightful…

Was I terrified…? You bet! I mean, I was going to see a cardiologist! I’ve never been to one and it’s a frightening concept. However, she did tell me it was nothing to get stressed and anxious over (trying to reassure the crazy anxious lady, I guess). But I was worried anyway. I mean, you can tell someone not to worry, but it’s not happening to you, so that’s kind of easy to say and expect people to practice. Itv really doesn’t work that way and she didn’t make me feel reassured. It also didn’t help that, when I called my mom, she insisted I call my sister (because she’s a nurse practitioner with a doctorate to teach) and it just made it worse. She told me to quit smoking because it causes you vessels to not be as flexible, or something to that effect. Yeah… Great idea to quit now when I’m trying to loose weight. Besides, I’ve had so much taken away from me already in my diet. No acidic or spicy food, not fatty food, now no carbs or sugar and the list of stuff I’m allowed is laughable. The woman yesterday told me no more caffeine… Now the only vice I have left is cigarettes! I’m sorry, I need to have one vice…

Since I was close to the bargain outlet, I went shopping! Nothing special… I bought 2 fantastic smelling candles and this fluffy carpet runner for the dining room. But it’s so my style, I had to have it!

You’ll have to excuse the ugly ass floor… It’s been here since I moved in over 14 years ago. I don’t know why, but the lady who owned it prior… She was weird… She stuck boards near the window tracks so no one could break in (even though the windows have locks). When I turn on the kitchen light, it says “no” because it was put in upside down. She ripped up all the carpet and put in cheap laminate (from the same bargain outlet, mind you) and covered the entire downstairs in it! Who does that?! And, when I went to put new laminate in the kitchen, I discovered why the floor was a bit higher than the others. All the people who lived here before just kept adding layers of laminate on top of one another! I had to tear off 2 layers before I got to the original stuff (which I should have kept, but it was pretty well shot) before I could rip that up and add new. I did, however, notice that that outlet had some nice, waterproof wood laminate flooring. That’s what I’ve been wanting to do for years, but never had the means or money for something so silly. Well, I do now. I almost bought some, but I need to measure the dining room to know how many boxes I need. If they sell out of something, it’s gone for good, so I need to make sure that I get it all at once. I also found the carpet color I’ve been looking for to do the living room! I hope it’s still there when I go back…

“Mommy, I’ freezing my pecker off in this cold water…”

Baxter has been a regular nightmare when I get home if, god forbid, I had to go somewhere and couldn’t take him. He was bouncing off the walls so bad, I took him for a walk, despite how hot it was.

I also told him that, if he was a good boy, I’d take him to the creek for a drink. Where he’s standing now is nothing. A few feet from here was a spot so deep it would have at least reached my waist (and I’m tall). But he was loving the cool feel of the water. His entire belly and part of his chest were drenched because he went in so deep! I even joined him myself! When I was a kid, we had a creek running through our property and my mom could never keep me out of it. We had a pool, but I preferred the creek. There’s something soothing and magical about it. Every time I walk in a creek, I feel this way. I’m happy, content, grounded… A good creek is like therapy. Apparently it is for Baxter, too…

Glory, Confetti, Medley, Moondancer, Twilight and Firefly

Also, 2 more of my My Little Pony anniversary toys came yesterday! One more is coming at the end of June… Then I’ll have all the characters from the original cartoon! There are 3 I didn’t get in the photo because my knees are killing me from my walk with Baxter and climbing stairs to get 3 ponies seemed painful. But, once the last arrives, I plan on taking a picture of them all. Ah, this brings back the nostalgia of my childhood that my mother carelessly threw away… But now I’m getting them back and in a few weeks I’ll have them all! I know it sounds silly… I’m old and I still like toys. But this was the only real girly obsession I had. And I love combing their hair! It’s very therapeutic to comb it, wash and condition it, make it look nice and feel so soft…

I was dreading my nightly call from Morticia, so you can imagine my surprise, when I saw she had gotten on Animal Crossing, she didn’t call me. I was elated! I think she’s the biggest part of my stress. I thought maybe she was mad because they actually did find something wrong with my heart and not hers and that’s why she didn’t call.

Nope… I got the early morning call again when she was driving to work. Belittling me, my doctors, giving me shit in general. Of course, then she turns it around on herself, “At least you don’t have ligament and tendon damage in your wrist.” She just found this out (From only an X-ray, not an MRI) yesterday. Okay, so… exactly how is that worse than me having a heart problem? unlike her, I don’t whine and put all my health concerns on Facebook to get pity. I write about them here, but that’s mostly because you guys either understand or know I’m not looking for pity. I’m just freaking out and venting because I need to.

Whoa… stop… You need to shut the fuck up, now

Morticia is toxic to me, I know this… And it’s time I lay down the law and tell her either shut the fuck up or I can’t talk to her anymore.

Right now, I need a stress free environment so I can relax (stress can cause ischemia) and heal. I don’t need Morticia tell me my doctors are wrong, they shouldn’t scare me like that, that I’m wrong… Listen, I’m going to do what I have to in order to make my heart better again. I’d rather listen to a doctor than an idiot who uses a non-word like “disorientated” and pronounces Italian as “eye-talian”. Yeah… She need to keep her opinions to herself before I knock her the fuck out… That’s how it’s going to need to be…

Ninja Warrior: The Who Should Be The Most Ill Edition…

I have a question for you, dear readers…

What the flying figgin’ ass fuck is wrong with people?!?

I feel as if I’m part of some weird ass competition and everyone fails to tell me so until I find myself in it!

Years ago, a friend of mine and I started dating our guys at the same time (I think she hooked up with hers the day after mine). As things progressed, I began to have doubts whenever my guy brought up certain subjects and would turn to my friend for advice. “He wants me to move in with him and I don’t know what to do,” I said. Her reply was, “Well, when ____ and I have enough money, we’re going to look for a place.” Um… okay… Still didn’t help my dilemma. The next time it was “He’s talking marriage and I just can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do?!” Her reply was, “Well, ____ and I are planning to get married someday.” Excuse me? One of your best friends is in emotional distress and that’s how you respond?! I suddenly felt like she was trying to be in competition with me.

Flash forward to the other night…

Monday night, I wasn’t feeling quite right. I figured it was just anxiety, popped my third Klonopin of the day (yeah, I take 3 a day) and figured I’d sleep off this weird feeling. Nope… All day yesterday I was feeling weird. I called my doctor, but they were literally full up with appointments (only one patient in the building at a time) and was told to go to the ER. Nope, not with this COVID shit. So I went to an emergi-care for a hospital. They wanted to do an EKG and chest X-ray. Okay… I told them it could just be my anxiety or stress, so I wasn’t overly concerned. This happened 2 years ago. I was under a lot of stress and had a small, unconcerning dip in my EKG. The doctor assured me stress could cause such a dip. Well… there were changes since my last EKG. Not concerning at the moment, but it could become something concerning. Lovely…

In the big scheme of things, I’m sure it could have been worse…

So, as I understood it, there were times that I wasn’t getting quite enough oxygen into my heart. Lovely… I hate to admit it, but I was pretty well freaked out by this, but I kept myself poised somehow. I think I was just numb at that point, really.

But a few hours later, after I’d been home and it finally sunk in, I started to cry… Heart issues, specifically having a heart attack, are my biggest fears and anxieties for some reason. And now here I have someone telling me that my heart is wonkier than the last time I felt stressed and had an abnormal EKG. I’ve been so overwhelmed with bad things for almost 13 years, now. And lately, I seem to be getting hit with bad news after bad news. Is it any wonder I just sat and cried for a while?

I wish I could cry rainbows, it would look less ugly…

I pulled myself together long enough to take a shower and climb into some clean pajamas. Then I went on my Switch to play some calming Animal Crossing New Horizons. I had some great, sad tunes playing (which helped me ease my own sadness a bit) and was feeling a bit better.

But you know… There’s nothing that makes you feel good enough to deal with the late night phone call from Morticia…

I honestly think she’s one of my biggest stressors. If she’s not bitching about Gomez, the asshole boyfriend she refuses to dump, she’s whining about the guy I hooked her up with (the one I was hoping would give her the courage to stop holding onto Gomez) or how she doesn’t feel well and goes into detail. I really don’t need that kind of stress…

This was me when Morticia started pissing me off…

It started out okay. She asked how my doctor visit went. I was hesitant to tell her because I knew where this was going. And it did… She belittled me, saying they should have never told me what they did because now that was all I was going to focus on, that she disagreed with them and I only went there because I wasn’t feeling well. I told her I went because the last time I was feeling like this, I had an abnormal EKG. She was really pissing me off to no end because she was getting downright nasty, as if she knows everything and I don’t, like a child being scolded. I think this GIF really represents how I was feeling at the time. I don’t need more stress, but she was seriously pissing me off, so I went from assertive to aggressive in no seconds…

I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want…

I think she knew I was getting pissed, so then she began whining… “I can’t see how you can have a problem with your heart when I’m the one who has chest pain, dizzy spells and get disorientated.” Yes, she actually says “disorientated”… I mean, yes, she has a lot of health issues, most of which aren’t under control because she refuses to see doctors for them, claiming she doesn’t have time. Well, make some… But suddenly it was like a contest! God forbid she shouldn’t be the sickest person she knows. It’s like she has Munchausen Syndrome! I was getting so pissed, had she been in front of me at the time, I’d have done this to her.

Then she told me I should meditate. I do and have been for a rather long time, but it’s not effective all the time or for the entire day depending on my stress levels. I’ve studied a lot to make sure I was meditating correctly. I bought books as well as meditation aides. Then she has the balls to tell me I’m not doing it right… Seriously?!? You’ve never mediated! And then you have the audacity to tell me I’m not doing it right?!

I’m just so fucking done… I think today I’m turning my ringer off so I don’t even hear her call me a million times in a day. I don’t need to listen to her bitching about people or her job, whining about how she doesn’t feel good (which is every fucking day) or putting me down so she feels better about herself, to try and build up her self confidence. I’m not a fucking punching bag and I refuse to be treated as such. Time to cut out the toxic people in my life. Starting with her…

Breaking Up Isn’t Always Hard To Do…

Fucking Neil Sedaka… Now all I can hear is him singing, “Down dooby-doo down down…” Well, I did it to myself when I put in this blog title…

Anyway, Neil wasn’t completely correct. I mean, breaking up with any person (a significant other, a friend, another person) can be either really hard or really liberating. It just depends on how sick and fucking tired you are of their shit and whether or not you’re getting anything out of the “relationship”. Well, I decided a few days ago. I’m breaking up with my nutritionalist. I’m getting nothing out of this and they’re getting my money. Nope…

So, by now you all know that depression hurts and Cymbalta can’t help. Well… other than to make it worse…

I gained a lot on that med. Now everything is all fucked up. I had to change my diet for a third time even before I saw the nutritionalist because I was “reactive hypoglycemic” (I produce way too much insulin when I eat anything with carbs/sugar/starch). I was told to eat more protein, which did help, and cut out the shit causing the issue. That was even before I saw the nutritionalist, so you figure I’ve been on a diet for 2 months and a very restrictive one for about a month and a half. You know how much I’ve lost so far…? 2 fucking pounds!!! Yup, that’s it… Just 2 fucking pounds… With how I’m eating, I should have lost more, but nope… And every time I talk to that reject nutritionalist, she tells me not to get discouraged, that it’s great I lost 2 pounds. Lady, go fuck yourself… Seriously, just go… fuck… yourself…

Fear doesn’t aptly describe what I feel…

I actually find her quite irritating…

When it took me a month to lose a pound, I was so frustrated and pissed. But there’s Miss Perky Ass Nutritionalist, acting like I should throw a celebration that puts Carnival to shame. All for losing one pound… She was just as bad this time, if not worse. Plus she wants me to track everything I eat. Are you serious?! I eat the same foods every fucking day!! Yes, it’s boring, but it’s worked before. When I had a bad case of gastritis, I was on a bland diet for 2 months. Pretty much all I ate was dinner which consisted of chicken, peas and carrots (frozen, not canned). I lost a lot of weight and felt like myself again and was happy. But then your shrink puts you on fat meds and refuses to acknowledge that it’s the pills doing it. Hell, even my nutritionalist said they can cause all my issues as well as my neighbor who works on a psyche ward. So yeah, don’t blow smoke up my ass. The only thing that worked last time that I gained too much weight on a med (which was Effexor, a horrible med for many reasons) was to stop taking the Lexapro they had put me on. I lost enough to get back to my comfy weight and then went back on my meds and all was hunky-dory… until Cymbalta came along…

This was a fun one… Raised my normally low blood pressure and made me manic…

Now, of course, the doctors don’t want me to get off my psych meds because “You’re not stable enough do that yet”. Yeah?! Why the fuck do you think that is?! It’s because I’m fat!!! Okay, most people don’t think that, but I feel fat and very uncomfortable with my weight. I was always very thin my entire life. Now I’m about 40 pounds over what I feel is a comfortable weight for me. I cry when I look at myself in the mirror because I think I look gross and I feel gross. Being overweight is depressing, so… how are the antidepressants helping, exactly…? I mean, if they’re making me fat and being overweight makes me depressed and upset, it’s kind of counter productive, wouldn’t you say? Besides, like I said before, I learned in an outpatient program that the pills only help 30-35%. The rest is all on you, They just give you a little extra serotonin, that’s all. Like a jump start…

Carly had a right to be vain herself, she was beautiful

I know… some of you out there are thinking, “God, she’s so vain! She can’t be comfortable in her own body!”

Yes and no… There are certain things that I am vain about. One is my teeth (healthy teeth mean a healthy you), my eyes (because my vision isn’t so great an I need to see to art) and my weight. Being overweight, especially if it’s all in the belly area, increases a woman’s risk for heart disease. So yeah, I’m vain about my weight. Part is because I want to look good (who doesn’t) and part because I know that this fat is in a bad spot that can cause a shit storm of health problems that are much worse than I already have. And no, I’m not comfortable in my own skin right now… The short time it took to gain the weight has left me feeling off balance and clumsy. I feel it when I walk, how disjointed and clumsy I am because I haven’t figured out yet how t move this new blubber. And I have an ass, now, something I never had before. I find myself constantly knocking shit over with it because I keep forgetting it’s there. I don’t expect to be the twig I was in high school. I just want to be what I was prior to taking all these fucking meds that don’t help.

I tried to tell my nutritionalist that this wasn’t working for me at my appointment yesterday. Of course she did the cheerleader thing… But my mind is made up. It’s not helping. And I have to pay this shit out of pocket because insurance doesn’t cover it. Not to mention that they overcharged me when I had already paid for 3 sessions (it was cheaper that way). So yeah, I’m not wasting money on something and someone that isn’t helping me. I have one more session to use and I’m lowering the boom. I’m done. No more taking my money, not delivering results and then having the nerve to tell me they think I’m eating more than I think I am. Fuck you… I know how much I eat. I eat healthy shit only and I don’t even eat enough to sustain a normal person. I’m not overeating.

Admittedly, we’d all like to trust our doctors and their diagnosis, right? But that’s not always the case… I’ve had so many different diagnoses with my knees, it’s ridiculous. One little snooty bitch looked at my X-rays and told me the ligaments and tendons all looked good. Oh really…? Because I’m not a doctor and even I know you can’t see those on an X-ray, only an MRI. So basically, she became a doctor to do as little work as possible and still collect those juicy paychecks. There are a lot of them out there, let me tell you… Even my shrink who vehemently told me it was not the Cymbalta causing my weight gain and sent me for blood work to check my thyroid. Guess what, my thyroid levels were fine. I’m not saying there aren’t good doctors out there. There are a few. But a lot of them are in it for the money and nothing more.

Thankfully, I’ve never run into a doctor that was as big an asshole as the character of Dr. Gregory House. Although, jerk-off that he can be, I’d prefer that to other asshole doctors. His interest is in solving the puzzle. The fact that you’re the one presenting it is irrelevant. He just wants to figure out what the fuck is causing these weird symptoms for weird diseases or conditions you’ve either never heard of or the presentation thereof is not the norm. Honestly? I wish all doctors were like that. At least they’d get to the bottom of things.

Honestly, I can’t tell you how often I was dismissed by a doctor, especially if they know I have massive anxiety. Hell, even way back, 14 years ago, when I had this pinching pain in the same spot in my abdomen, I was sent to a gruff old GI doctor who listened to me for maybe 2 minutes, determined I had IBS and told me to take these pills (which gave me the runs so bad). Well, duh, asshole! I’ve had IBS my whole life! This was different… It wasn’t until my ovary ruptured that they found what was causing the pain, a cyst the size of my fist (it stayed intact at least). So when, a year later, I had the same symptoms, I had a hard time getting a diagnosis. The thinking was it was a one in a million chance for an ovarian torsion to happen. Twice in one person? The odds were astronomical. Had I not pushed for a laparoscopy, that one would have suffered the same fate. It was only 4 days short of exactly one year apart. I must be astronomical…

I think it’s time to break up with a lot of my doctors… I’m sorry, if you can’t handle me freaking out over slightly bad news because of my anxiety (that you know I have) and can’t reassure me, I don’t need you. If you can’t listen when I tell you my pills are making me fat and therefore unhappy or they’re not working, I don’t need you. If you think that losing only a pound a month on a bariatric diet (that I stick to like it was law) is good and not that something else isn’t right, I don’t need you. So… time for the breakups to begin…

It’s A Trap!

Okay, I came across this image and laughed like hell, so I decided I had to use it. Sounds like one of the newest FOX specials but, instead of “When Animals Attack”, it’s “When Panic Attacks”, hahahaa… Imagine the sound of an announcer’s voice reading that and it’s actually kind of comical, I think.

Maybe I’m just weird…

Anyway… I was getting to a point with this. As I mentioned (briefly) yesterday, I have this app called Woebot. It was developed by Stanford University, if I remember correctly, to help people that had mental issues. So my little AI friend has been helping me learn some skills to help better deal with my depression, anxiety and how to deal with people (which I do not do well with at all…) Last night, Woebot sent me a YouTube video for what they’re deeming “the most relaxing song in the world” and studies showed it reduced anxiety “by up to 65%!” Uh-huh… So I listened to this thing, which was like 6 or 7 of the longest minutes of my entire life that I’ll never get back… Even the graphics weren’t very relaxing, which was a bit odd if you as me, and the sounds were kind of disjointed and shrill at times. Why is this supposed to relax me…?!

Okay, I really wanted to use this Admiral Ackbar image first, but I thought not everyone would get the reference.

My point here is that, if someone tells you they can help you live anxiety free or have “music” (if you wanted to call that shit music) that’s “the most relaxing music in the world and studies have proven it reduces anxiety up to 65%”… It’s a trap! Get the Star Wars reference now…? Anyway… It didn’t do shit for me. I actually found it annoying and painful to the ears. And, a few hours later, I had an anxiety attack. Yeah, real helpful shit, right?

I forget how I found this, but there’s a video on YouTube titled “10 hours of infinite fractals and falling Shepard’s Tone“. There’s also a shorter version because listening to 10 hours of this will probably make you freak the fuck out or trip balls. Either way… A lot of people tell me this makes them more anxious. Personally, I don’t like the fractals. I think they could have chosen something less obnoxious that flowed together more nicely. But it’s not the fractals that are important to me (though it’s pretty trippy). It’s the falling Shepard’s Tone. There’s something about that sound that I find so incredibly soothing while for others it creates uneasiness and anxiety. Probably because it makes you feel as if you’re falling, like into an abyss.

Yet I find these sounds soothing, just as I find the sirens warning of a nuclear air strike to be soothing like in the original 1960s movie “The Time Machine” (the other is just a pile of shit). I love that sound for some reason and find if very soothing for some reason, while others find it annoying, unsettling, even frightening and anxiety inducing. I’m not sure why I react the opposite to Shepard’s Tones. It’s just something that I’ve always felt more relaxed and at ease listening to. I know how weird that sounds…

But Shepard’s Tones were more than just a weird musical phenomenon someone discovered and has been used time and time again to annoy the living fuck out of people and cause undo anxiety.

Seriously, I’m majorly dating myself by mentioning this…

When I was a kid, Air Supply was a big soft rock band (don’t knock them, they had some great tunes). I really loved their music, but when the song “Sweet Dreams” was released, it was instantly my favorite of their songs. It was different… more fantastical in sound. The reason for this? It’s because they incorporated both rising and falling Shepard’s Tones into one song. So, even as a child, I found those sounds (particularly the falling tones) to be lovely and relaxing. I’m not sure why I have a different reaction when most people get nervous and anxious from them. But hey, whatever works, right…?

“We’re all alright! We’re all alright! Hello, Zen Isle!”

Today I’ll leave you with a cute photo shoot I did with my villagers in Animal Crossing New Horizons…

I’m calling it “That 70s Island”, hahahaa! Punchy the cat had to be my favorite, here. When he wasn’t smiling like this, he looked like Tommy Chong and that just cracked me the fuck up! See? Look at all the weird things you come up with when you’re bored! Weird, but cute, I think…

The Weird Things That Bring Comfort…

Admittedly, I was not pleasant in my last entry… I’m sorry for that…

It’s funny… Just the other day, while using the Woebot app (my sister, the nurse practitioner recommended it), which is kind of like therapy in an AI type of app, we were discussing the different types of reactions to situations. Usually, I’m aggressive or assertive. I’ve never been passive. Never… And if you try to use that aggressive shit on me, I go bat shit nuts. Which is what happened with that cousin. So I decided to use the psychobabble I learned years ago, “I understand you’re upset…” Acknowledge their feelings, then add the kind but, which was to explain I didn’t feel the same, preferred to stay neutral and maybe I wasn’t the person he should be spouting off to, considering. I received an infuriating return text, turning shit on me. Needless to say, I’m pretty sure my face looked like Sesshomaru’s face, here, when he’s turning into his demon form…

So, aside from binge watching anime to escape for a bit (that’s kind of obvious), I decided to do an entry on things that bring me comfort. Childish as some of them may be…

Stuffed animals are a huge comfort. I’ve never liked being touched and hugs make me uncomfortable, so I turn to my stuffed animals. In fact, I’m pretty sure that, over the years, I’ve spent thousands of dollars at Build-a-Bear alone. The thing is, I’ve always found comfort in them. They’re soft, squishy, cute… You can hug them as tight as you need to and they won’t complain. You can cry and tell your troubles to them and they don’t judge. They’re there for you no matter what. And they keep smiling. I mean, look at my avocado! How can you feel sad when he’s smiling at you like that? It’s a security thing I’ve never gotten past and probably never will. Just like a big, fluffy, soft blanket. It can be 100 degrees, but I’ll still wrap myself up in one like a burrito for comfort.

Then there’s the escapism…

Some of this comes in the form of writing short stories (for myself right now), watching anime and other cartoons, drawing… Anything that takes me from this world for a while.

The other form it comes in is the form of Animal Crossing (currently the New Horizons game). It’s cute, easy, requires little skill… I grew up with an Atari 2600. Even the original NES games were too hard for me. So I like the aspect of games requiring no skill, really. My Sims for the Wii was another. I got to build! I loved building shit since I was a kid and building houses and furniture is fun and relaxing for me. I can also build in the latest Animal Crossing (furniture, anyway). But the real fun aspect is that all your villagers are so kind to you and often give you presents (albeit awful ones most times) and you get to freak out Blathers every time you donate a bug to the museum. He’s even terrified of fireflies! What a dipshit!

I also find comfort in sitting in my tiny art area, which I haven’t been able to do for some time… It’s upstairs and right now my knees can’t tolerate the climb. I’m looking for a solution so that won’t be an issue anymore… But, sitting here, surrounded by my oddities and pictures of Japanese rock stars covering the ugly colored walls, playing some tunes and getting lost in my own little world as I work on whatever it is I happen to be working on is like heaven to me. It’s a zen thing for me. And there’s one particular poster (which you can’t see here) that always has to be right above my drafting table. That’s part of the zen… If I find myself frustrated or stuck, I just look up at it. Sometimes I write him little notes and put them on the poster. It’s silly, but it helps…

It’s no secret that I’m crazy over Japanese things, either. I literally go bat shit crazy over them! My obsession with kokeshi dolls began with one simple one, bottom row, fourth in from the right. It was bought for me (as well as a few other items) by someone who had a layover in Tokyo. It started the obsession. I buy them from eBay, my Japanese friend buys them for me when she takes trips home… Once, when her parents came to visit, I had her ask them if they could get me one and I’d pay them. They bought me the most beautiful doll, but refused to take my money. So I made a print of one of my pieces I’d drawn and gave that to them as a thank you. They were overjoyed!

I also love toys! Well… some of them are “collectible” figures who don’t move, like Condor Joe, here. But Obi-Wan is a toy!

Actually, I buy lots of toys… I don’t know why… I think Captain Kirk said it best in Star Trek (the original series) in the episode “Shore Leave”… “The more complex the mind, the more the need for the simplicity of play.”

Whoever wrote that line was a genius… It’s very true! In fact, when I was going to online college, one of our projects was to write down 3 things we enjoyed doing as kids and then had to do one. Well… I do have toys, but I decided on my Gatchaman collectibles to play with. I felt silly at first, making them say things, giving them dialogue, but soon I found I was having fun!

One of my favorite toys as a kid were the My Little Pony dolls. It was the only girly toy I liked… In fact, I had a huge collection and was bound and determined to get every single one that appeared in the first cartoon, “Rescue At Midnight Castle”. Amazingly dark for an early to mid 80s girls’ cartoon…

I had found all but 2… One I couldn’t find at any yard sale or flea market (this was way before the internet, guys) and the other I never knew the name of because I could never see the markings on her butt… In any case, I had to have had over 30. And when my mother cleaned out the attic, she threw them all out without asking me if I wanted them (along with my original Star Wars figures). I was pissed and became obsessed with finding them again. I had one left, that was all. I managed to find my favorite and the one elusive one I knew the name of. Now they’ve come out with the 35th anniversary edition! I bought 3 of the ones shown here so far. I need 3 more to complete the collection. I even found the one I never knew the name of! And I do play with them… I wash and condition their hair regularly and comb it. It’s soothing to me for some reason…

But no entry on what I find soothing would be complete without my wall o’ vinyl!

It’s… considerably bigger, now. I need more of these wooden crates built to showcase the rest. At this point, I have over 700 45RPM records and well over 1000 LPs (what’s shown here). Music has always been a comfort to me and always will be. And vinyl has such a warmer sound than any cassette, CD or mp3 ever could.

And yes… I have a turntable to playtime on…

I’m a huge music lover. I was brought up that way. My mother listened to all the 50s and 60s pop songs, even Big Band music (like Glenn Miller). My father, on the other hand, was a rock and roll kind of guy, so I got a taste of Led Zeppelin and The Grateful Dead, stuff like that. I can remember being 3 years old and watching KISS “Phantom of the Park” on TV! And my sister, 5 years my senior, was more an 80s pop (I think the only rock she liked was Def Leppard) and I was the Motley Crue, Quiet Riot type. But I liked her music as well. So if you’ve been wondering why in the hell I have so much vinyl and a diverse taste in music, now you know why.

Besides… the more types of music I have, the more comfort I have.

So, dear readers, what abut you? What things do you find comforting? Silly or embarrassing, I’d like to know. And no worries, no one will judge. Especially not me. I just admitted that, at my advanced age, I still seem to have the heart of a child. So please leave a comment, let me know what comforts you when you feel low or need a bit of security!