I have a question for you, dear readers…

What the flying figgin’ ass fuck is wrong with people?!?

I feel as if I’m part of some weird ass competition and everyone fails to tell me so until I find myself in it!

Years ago, a friend of mine and I started dating our guys at the same time (I think she hooked up with hers the day after mine). As things progressed, I began to have doubts whenever my guy brought up certain subjects and would turn to my friend for advice. “He wants me to move in with him and I don’t know what to do,” I said. Her reply was, “Well, when ____ and I have enough money, we’re going to look for a place.” Um… okay… Still didn’t help my dilemma. The next time it was “He’s talking marriage and I just can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do?!” Her reply was, “Well, ____ and I are planning to get married someday.” Excuse me? One of your best friends is in emotional distress and that’s how you respond?! I suddenly felt like she was trying to be in competition with me.

Flash forward to the other night…

Monday night, I wasn’t feeling quite right. I figured it was just anxiety, popped my third Klonopin of the day (yeah, I take 3 a day) and figured I’d sleep off this weird feeling. Nope… All day yesterday I was feeling weird. I called my doctor, but they were literally full up with appointments (only one patient in the building at a time) and was told to go to the ER. Nope, not with this COVID shit. So I went to an emergi-care for a hospital. They wanted to do an EKG and chest X-ray. Okay… I told them it could just be my anxiety or stress, so I wasn’t overly concerned. This happened 2 years ago. I was under a lot of stress and had a small, unconcerning dip in my EKG. The doctor assured me stress could cause such a dip. Well… there were changes since my last EKG. Not concerning at the moment, but it could become something concerning. Lovely…

In the big scheme of things, I’m sure it could have been worse…

So, as I understood it, there were times that I wasn’t getting quite enough oxygen into my heart. Lovely… I hate to admit it, but I was pretty well freaked out by this, but I kept myself poised somehow. I think I was just numb at that point, really.

But a few hours later, after I’d been home and it finally sunk in, I started to cry… Heart issues, specifically having a heart attack, are my biggest fears and anxieties for some reason. And now here I have someone telling me that my heart is wonkier than the last time I felt stressed and had an abnormal EKG. I’ve been so overwhelmed with bad things for almost 13 years, now. And lately, I seem to be getting hit with bad news after bad news. Is it any wonder I just sat and cried for a while?

I pulled myself together long enough to take a shower and climb into some clean pajamas. Then I went on my Switch to play some calming Animal Crossing New Horizons. I had some great, sad tunes playing (which helped me ease my own sadness a bit) and was feeling a bit better.

But you know… There’s nothing that makes you feel good enough to deal with the late night phone call from Morticia…

I honestly think she’s one of my biggest stressors. If she’s not bitching about Gomez, the asshole boyfriend she refuses to dump, she’s whining about the guy I hooked her up with (the one I was hoping would give her the courage to stop holding onto Gomez) or how she doesn’t feel well and goes into detail. I really don’t need that kind of stress…

It started out okay. She asked how my doctor visit went. I was hesitant to tell her because I knew where this was going. And it did… She belittled me, saying they should have never told me what they did because now that was all I was going to focus on, that she disagreed with them and I only went there because I wasn’t feeling well. I told her I went because the last time I was feeling like this, I had an abnormal EKG. She was really pissing me off to no end because she was getting downright nasty, as if she knows everything and I don’t, like a child being scolded. I think this GIF really represents how I was feeling at the time. I don’t need more stress, but she was seriously pissing me off, so I went from assertive to aggressive in no seconds…

I think she knew I was getting pissed, so then she began whining… “I can’t see how you can have a problem with your heart when I’m the one who has chest pain, dizzy spells and get disorientated.” Yes, she actually says “disorientated”… I mean, yes, she has a lot of health issues, most of which aren’t under control because she refuses to see doctors for them, claiming she doesn’t have time. Well, make some… But suddenly it was like a contest! God forbid she shouldn’t be the sickest person she knows. It’s like she has Munchausen Syndrome! I was getting so pissed, had she been in front of me at the time, I’d have done this to her.

Then she told me I should meditate. I do and have been for a rather long time, but it’s not effective all the time or for the entire day depending on my stress levels. I’ve studied a lot to make sure I was meditating correctly. I bought books as well as meditation aides. Then she has the balls to tell me I’m not doing it right… Seriously?!? You’ve never mediated! And then you have the audacity to tell me I’m not doing it right?!

I’m just so fucking done… I think today I’m turning my ringer off so I don’t even hear her call me a million times in a day. I don’t need to listen to her bitching about people or her job, whining about how she doesn’t feel good (which is every fucking day) or putting me down so she feels better about herself, to try and build up her self confidence. I’m not a fucking punching bag and I refuse to be treated as such. Time to cut out the toxic people in my life. Starting with her…