There I go dating myself again… Yes, I used to watch The Partridge Family. Yes I’m old… And yes, I now have the theme stuck in my head. Thank god it’s not that other song I can’t mention or it will be in there for days and I hate that song. Needless to say… I have no idea why this song got stuck in my head. Apparently I need to “c’mon get happy”, I don’t know. What I do know from the image search is that there is kind of a frightening amount of merchandise with this image or the band logo (what band, only 2 of them had any musical talent) and you can get all the seasons on DVD. Much as I loved this show… Why?!?

Yesterday I was a bit of a mess… so much so that I started thinking.

One thing I haven’t touched in a long time (because I’m a forgetful person) is my malas. It dawned on me that, perhaps, this was one of my issues. I know, it sounds like hippie dippy bullshit, right? Maybe… but it works… I got 2 (one of which I won’t wear because it’s falling apart), both of which are supposed to ward off negativity. I always felt a sense of calm while wearing them. But I haven’t worn either in months. I suppose I thought I didn’t have to because I wear other anti anxiety stuff all the time, chakra jewelry, my shift necklace to help me breathe properly when I’m anxious, my “om” bracelet… But yesterday, I put my good mala around my neck and I actually felt good all day. Call it hippy dippy if you wish, but it works for me. I felt better.

I took it off when I went to bed last night and realized something. I probably should have left it on… I couldn’t get comfortable, then I was woken up 3 times by the most hellacious headache that I still had when I got up this morning. Most of it is gone, but I still feel some effects.

When I was younger, I used to get migraines. A lot… They got better once I lost my ovaries as some was due to hormone spikes. But the rest was from stress. I’ve only had a few migraines the past year and every one of them wasn’t a migraine at all. It was a tension headache. Even the one this morning.

I know why I had it… I was watching a YouTube video (which was getting pretty cool), winding down for bedtime and Morticia called. It was 10:24PM! I know I’m a night owl sometimes, but this was ridiculous! Especially because one of the first things she said was that she was tired. Then why the fuck are you calling me?! Go to fucking bed!

Again, she only calls me to vent and bitch… She began with a revelation that she was going to talk to Gomez (supposedly today) and break things off with him because he’s insensitive and doesn’t have sympathy for “all the things I’m going through”… Uh-huh… So you call the one person who can’t feel sympathy or empathy except on a handful of occasions. I’ve tried to explain to her that I’m a sociopath. I can understand those feelings, I just rarely have them. Simply put, I don’t give a fuck.

But, this is Morticia we’re talking about. She thinks she knows me better than I know myself. Whatever helps you sleep at night, but I really am like that.

So she starts her blubbering and I’m here making that motion where you point your finger to your head like it’s a gun, pull the trigger and use your other hand to indicate you brains splaying out the other side… In all fairness, she does have some medical conditions that she’s had forever, pretty much. I’m sure none are fun, but she doesn’t take care of herself to manage them properly, with the exception of rheumatoid arthritis. Not much helps that… But now it’s a whole bunch of new issues, which I think some are imaginary, really. So she blubbers, “No one understands what I’m going through…” Right… I have no idea what pain is when I can barely walk. I lost my ovaries and it’s thoroughly fuck up my entire body. Now a heart issue that has me so damned paranoid every time I feel funky or my heart races. Don’t need to hear her shit…

You know, I try to give her advice, but it’s not what she want to hear and so she just immediately starts talking about something random. Listen, if you don’t like what I have to say and don’t want to hear it, then stop calling to cry and bitch to me because I don’t want to hear that…

I did notice something, however… If my advice is something that she really doesn’t want to hear or it pisses her off, she won’t call me at all for the rest of the day or won’t call me until very late at night. I think I’ve found a way to stop this crazy bullshit!

Oddly enough, she did text me early this morning like she does on her way to work, an indication to call her. Instead, I shot her a text telling her I had been woken up 3 times in the middle of the night by this horrible headache which I still had. I told her to text me on break and see if I felt better. She never responded… That’s the thing, it’s like I have to be there for her all the time. I’m not allowed to get sick or have a headache. Even if she’s the cause of said headache… like every time…

I really need my mind to be more at peace…

I know I keep saying that I need to cut Morticia loose because she’s toxic to me. She really is… She’s like this bubbling cauldron of negativity and, when it boils over, it always seems to boil all over me, the one person who isn’t stupid enough to give her the attention, sympathy and pity she’s looking for. I don’t get it… If you can get that from everyone but me, why in the blue fuck am I the one you call all the time looking for it?! You won’t get it! I’m not geared that way!

I’ve told her on multiple occasions that I’m a sociopath… I always have been. Certain emotions I just don’t feel. It’s not my fault… I was obviously born that way. And I manipulate people on occasion to get what I want and don’t feel badly for it. Yet still, she thinks she knows me better than I know myself… I find that comical… The only person who knows the real you is you… Everyone keeps certain things to themselves, things we don’t want others to see. I’ve hidden a lot of my issues over the years. I’ve gotten very good at it. And no one, not even Morticia, is so perceptive that they can see into the dark parts of my psyche…

And so, I’m still struggling with shit…

Still struggling with depression, anxiety, some health issues, one of which is scary as fuck… Then I have all Morticia’s shit pushed on me. Honestly, I feel like she’s being intrusive… as if she’s filling my brain with her issues as well as my own because, you know, she thinks I have no issues. I’m just so sick of this shit… But, with her being family, I just don’t know a nice way to tell her she needs to leave me alone for a while. I don’t think there is a nice way, but I need one. Normally I’d just tell someone off, but family… You have to watch with that. I don’t need more drama from other family, you know?

I think I just need time to myself, to work on me and try to work on finding that inner peace that I’ve been striving for for such a long time. I need my mind and my spirit to be quiet for a while. They need to shut the fuck up and let me have that little bit of peace, even if it’s only for a short time. I deserve at least that much… Don’t you think…?

Oh yes… One last thing…

My apologies to any epileptics who may have been reading this entry. I used a lot of trippy, flashing GIF files. I just felt the need to use them today. I didn’t mean to cause seizures or anything. Hell, some of these even bothered me and I’m not epileptic!

So yeah… If anyone was bothered by these flashy, spinning, weird ass GIFs, again, my apologies. Sometimes I just have to jazz shit up with things that move. Unfortunately, I tend to go overboard with my jazzing shit up. In light of that, I’ll end today with a stationary image. Don’t your eyes feel better? I know that mine sure in the hell do…