The other day I went to a different new age shop (as my normal store was still closed due to COVID-19) in a vain attempt to find some items that might help me to relieve stress and anxiety. Normally, just being in one of those stores makes me feel at ease, sometimes even at peace. So I knew something was wrong when I didn’t actually feel much better and actually felt a bit lost.

The thing about new age shops… Obviously they’re hippie-dippy, which is why I feel so calm and relaxed there. Maybe this just wasn’t the right store for me. Or maybe it’s because of the funk I’ve been in that I haven’t been feeling at ease. Who knows… Mind you, that didn’t stop me from shopping ’til I dropped. I bought anything and everything I thought might help or just caught my eye. And, you can imagine, spent way more money than one person should. When did being a hippie get so expensive?!

One thing I’ve been wanting, and finally broke down and bought, is a Tibetan singing bowl. In fact, the one I bought looks much like this one, except my mallet has a soft coating on the end being used… Anyway, this type is mass produced, not hand hammered. It still cost me $78! Now you know why I’ve passed prior to this… I’ve seen people using them, have heard how they sound, and I thought this might be exactly what I need. So I shelled out the money for it (along with like another $100, yikes) and brought it home. As I wasn’t exactly sure how to make them sing, I turned to YouTube, your source for just about everything in the world. I watched some videos and it looked simple enough. So I set my bowl on this nice little doughnut (sold separately, of course) and did what the video showed. No singing… So I held it on my palm, like in this picture. No singing… I’m beginning to think I’m incredibly inept with this thing.

I bought all sorts of stuff… I bought a bracelet made of quartz crystals which is supposed to be good for healing the heart (could really use that now), some incense cones (patchouli, of course, and green tea), some incense made by Buddhist monks, a new bag for my malas, a bamboo flute, a beautiful resin charm with real flowers in it that look like a sakura tree…I even bought some stickers, which I’m a sucker for.

And I bought this cute little guy…

I saw a box full of these metal discs that were printed with spirit animals. Now, not knowing which animal served what purpose, I decided to just look at them and pick up the one that spoke to me. I know that sounds weird, but seriously, when you are compelled to buy something, isn’t the reason because it appeals to you in some way? Believe me, it is… It spoke to you. And so this particular spirit animal spoke to me. I smiled when I saw it and picked it up.

When I turned it over, this is what was written on the back.

No wonder I was drawn to this one… It also explains why I love to go see the otters at the local game preserve… Wise little otters…

Funny that I should choose this one, actually. Things have been very stressful for me over the years and for the past year or 2, I haven’t really been about to imagine or play, really. Perhaps that’s why I’m having all these difficulties… I’ve always been one for mischief and have always had a rather vivid imagination. But… I don’t know. I suppose it was just the stresses in life? Something just sucked all the imagination and playful mischief right out of me. That’s why I haven’t really had any inspiration to create for several years. No drawing, no painting, no nothing… I’m even having difficulty writing stories. So choosing the otter was no mistake. I think I was compelled to chose this one, a gentle reminder to imagine and play.

But that night, I forgot about the otter…

You guys all know oil and water don’t mix… I’m sure most of you have made homemade lava lamps with oil, water and food coloring, yeah? And you know it works because oil and water don’t mix. Well… bipolar and bipolar don’t mix, either…

I don’t wish to go into detail… Let’s just say that a family member is also bipolar and doesn’t take meds (whereas I do, though I have no clue why). Anyway, this person flipped shit on me, claiming I was talking shit about them when all I had done was make a simple request to be courteous. Needless to say, this entailed the person flipping shit, getting nose to nose with me, so angry they were literally foaming at the mouth. Horrible things were said, a death threat was made towards me… Not that this is new… It’s happened so many other times, I’ve lost count. I kept my cool, stood my ground. But, after the fact, when I finally lost my stoic demeanor, I had a meltdown, literally sobbing. You know, if someone says horrible things and attacks your abilities as a human being, eventually you begin to believe what they’re telling you… It’s kind of unavoidable.

As I said, this has happened with this family member before. And every time, I get the apology after.

Don’t get me wrong, I think a true, heart-felt apology is important when you fuck up. The thing is, this quote is quite accurate. If you continue the behavior you’re supposedly sorry for, your apology means nothing. I know we all say things we don’t mean when we’re angry, but to continue to say the same things every time we’re angry, to continuously repeat the pattern of attacking your character, making threats towards you and continually saying you’re sorry? Eventually the apology means nothing to you. Actions speak louder than words… And this is a prime example. I’ve told this person multiple times that sorry isn’t good enough anymore because the behavior never stops. That hasn’t computed yet, I suppose… And, before you all get the wrong idea, no, this is not an abusive relationship. Not a significant other, a family member. I would never stay in an abusive relationship. I had one once… I called the cops and left…

Either way, damage was done… and it really manifested itself yesterday…

It started in the morning where I had heart palpitations out of nowhere (the first in a long time). Then my heart began to race… I figured it was simply my anxiety and stress from the night before, but I was still a bit concerned, considering. So I called my family doctor who told me to take one of my anti-anxiety pills to determine if that was the cause of everything and also told me to call the cardiologist I saw. See, I wanted to avoid that… I didn’t want to go to the emergency room with all this COVID shit… But I called and left a message on the nurse’s line. She called back in like 2 minutes. Wow… She actually tried to get me in yesterday, but she couldn’t squeeze me in. So now I go this afternoon. I really would rather not. I really don’t want to go to the ER. Especially for this… I’m scared…

It’s funny how people can be so uncaring and inconsiderate…

Mind you, I’ve told everyone close to me what’s going on so that they try their best not to stress me out. Most have done that (except Morticia, the Munchausen’s queen). But there are some who just don’t get it. I don’t expect anyone to walk on eggshells, but I don’t need anyone flipping shit and stressing me. Bipolar and bipolar don’t mix…

So… now I have all these new age items, the ones I bought the other day and ones I bought over the last I don’t know how many months. And I’ve made a decision… I need to build that art studio I’ve been wanting for a long time. And when I do, you better believe that all my items will be in it. In essence, it’s going to be an art studio/zen den. Actually, that isn’t as stupid as it sounds… When I’m creating art, I have a sense of zen. Combining a place to create with all my new age, hippie-dippy items, I think, will bring me the zen I’m searching for. That’s what I need right now… That and a lot of good vibes. Please send some out, dear readers. I really need them…