I woke up at 3:30 this morning because I was in the most horrible pain. My hips were screaming at me and, when I finally mustered up the courage to try and walk to the bathroom, I was beginning to wish someone would remove everything from the waist down…

Which brought to mind this gentleman, Johnny Eck. Before you think this was trick photography or some other photo manipulation, you may want to check out the film Tod Browning’s Freaks. My mother introduced me to this bizarre movie years ago. She wasn’t that fond of it, but I guess she figured everyone should see it at least once… The movie was released in 1932, so no, there was no trick photography or CGI. Tod Browning used real circus sideshow “freaks” in the film, which was kind of controversial at the time, but not for the reasons you think. It’s because people were seriously freaked out by seeing people with birth defects back then. Parents would give up their children because of deformity and the only job they could get was in a circus sideshow as “freaks”. It’s really an excellent movie, though. Check it out.

Before delving into why I’m envious of Johnny Eck this morning, let me go back a few days…

It really wasn’t a great weekend… Morticia was blowing up my phone all day Saturday and driving me nuts. And I wasn’t in the mood for it… Not that I ever am, but especially not this past weekend. My stress echo was coming up, which actually caused me enough stress that they could have done the procedure without running on a treadmill. I was so anxious and scared, I was having palpitations and everything. I was in a bad place…

So I did what I usually do when I feel like that. I shopped… Yes, I know that’s bad. But I think most people with uncontrolled depression and/or anxiety are prone to this. Fuck it if you can’t afford to spend money on stupid shit. You do it because, for that brief, fleeting moment, you feel happy and at ease. Really, isn’t that what we all want when we’re really depressed and anxious, to feel happy and at ease? Of course it is! So we go out like the assholes we are and blow a few hundred dollars we can’t really spare to feel better when medication fails us.

I had heard of this amazing indoor flea market about a half hour from my house, so on Sunday, I decided to go. I’m thinking, “Awesome! Indoors! AC! Whoo-hoo!” Yeah… it wasn’t like that… It was hot as balls outside, but the humidity was low, so it wasn’t horrible. But inside the building? No AC… It was hotter inside than outside, if you can believe that!

Anyway, I walked down an aisle and was only about 3-4 display booths in when I saw this drawing. I went into the booth to see it up close and it made me smile. Like truly smile. I was completely captivated by this pen and ink drawing so much, I stared at it, smiling for a long time… $35 and worth every penny! I knew as soon as I saw her, she was coming home with me. And she did! This is her hanging on the wall of my stairwell. Isn’t she beautiful? I don’t know what’s so captivating about it, but the cashiers at the flea market told me they felt very much the same way about this drawing. I think they were sorry to see her go…

This is all I know about my captivating young lady… The signature appears to be Hiram Ostrander (I googled it, there were a lot of them) and is dated 1914! Now my curiosity is getting the better of me… Who was the artist? Was this his wife, a famous actress, a lovely vision in his imagination? I don’t know, but I plan to research this further. Until then, I decided this lovely young lady needed a name that was popular back then. The one that stood out most in my mind was Margaret, so that is who she’s going to be until I find out who she really was, if anyone. He obviously wasn’t a famous artist, but I think we need to share this drawing so he gets recognition he deserves.

Afterward, I went to the local Skechers outlet. I was told I needed to wear sneakers for the stress echo, which I told them probably wasn’t going to happen as I had 2 ingrown big toenails that were infected. But I thought better of the idea and broke down to buy new sneakers. Actually, they’re pretty comfy. They have memory foam in them and the tops are super soft. I figured they wouldn’t irritate my toes too badly. I also got some socks as well as athletic shorts. Sadly, I didn’t find out until I put them on the next morning that they’re snug and create rolls in odd places. Ugh… I know I gained a lot, especially in the midsection. Normally I wear clothes that hide that fact, not accentuate it. But there I was, sporting more rolls than a bakery in my new shorts. They said I should wear comfortable clothes, but I really wasn’t comfortable with these belly rolls the shorts created or how large they made my ass look. Seriously, people… Women don’t want to look that way!

While I was at it, I went out to buy a new watch. I actually have a cool watch but, after changing the battery, the water resistant seal got fucked up and the crystal fogged. So I had to wear my expensive Bulova watch. Unfortunately, the crystal was getting scratched and I don’t want to know how much a replacement would be, so I decided I needed a cheaper, every day watch. So I bought this one… Pretty, right? Yeah… it was until I overflowed my water bottle and water spilled over my wrist. Now the crystal has all sorts of condensation on the inside. Ugh… It figures, right? And it was normally pretty expensive (I got it on sale cheap). You’d think they would make them better for the money… I also bought some new cami tops since, you know, I got too fat to fit into my summer clothes from last year. I really needed tops and pants. So I bought a bunch of tops and a pair of denim capris. And a new purse… And a real meal at Red Lobster… I was so bad this weekend, but it helped keep my mind off of things.

So I’m feeling pretty saucy yesterday. I made some great finds at the flea market, I had new sneakers and workout clothes, a new watch… I felt set and ready to rock!

Except… when I got into the room, I freaked out and cried. I was told not to take my Klonopin before my stress echo. The nice nurses running the test said that I could and had me take one right then and there. They calmed me down and reassured me there was no danger. They were very convincing, though I didn’t like the idea that they had to get my heart rate up to 150 (based on my age). This is not an easy test. The more in shape you are, the longer you go (yay for being sedentary!) and their idea of starting out slow was not slow by my standards. Then it’s raised up like you’re walking a moderate incline. My knees sounded like Rice Krispies! Then they sped it up! What the fuck?! I felt I was running uphill, but it felt better on my legs. My pulse got to 150, I stayed there a minute, then I had to quick hop on the gurney next to me because they only have 90 seconds to take ultrasound pictures. When I finally stood after, I almost fell. My legs were Jell-O…

Other than that, once my heart rate and blood pressure came down, I felt pretty good, except my legs. My breathing was much fuller than before, which was amazing! But I could already feel the pain setting in when I stopped to get coffee after… It got even worse when I killed time in Dollar General before my podiatrist appointment afterward. But I didn’t kill enough time and ended up sitting in the car for over a half hour until my appointment. Big mistake… When I tried to get out of the car, I struggled and had difficulty walking. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty this morning, but I had no idea I was going to be in so much pain that it was going to wake me up at 3:30AM. And I had no idea it was going to hurt as bad as it does. I could barely walk to the bathroom, which is something like maybe 12-16 feet away…? Yeah, it hasn’t been a good morning and I’m still wishing someone would chop off everything from the waist down…

The visit with the podiatrist was no better… I’ve had the worst pain in both my big toes for a while, now. Especially since Baxter likes jumping on said sore toes… So I made an appointment for after my echo. It… didn’t go well… Even though he used butane spray to numb me, I was in horrible pain when he cut out the ingrown parts of the left toenail. I nearly kicked him in the face. For the right, I told him give me frostbite in that toe because it was more sore. It didn’t help… I wanted to punch something or someone, it hurt so bad! Even when he ground down my thick nails, I had incredible pain. My only solution now to stay pain free is to have the toenail removed because the root of the nail is so badly damaged. I’m not happy about it, but I can’t be in that much pain that I can hardly walk. I go in August 12th…

Inevitably, I’m sure the other will have to be removed as well. But, as it’s not as bad as the right one, I’m holding off until the first one is “heeled”… Get it…? I know, lame joke, Jackie…

Anyway, my biggest concern was seeing my toe without a nail and thinking it looks weird. I get funny about shit like that. I’ve heard people paint their skin when they paint their other nails, but that will wear off way too fast. A fake nail glued to your skin at the nail salon? A longer fix, but still, it won’t last forever and what is that glue doing to your skin? So I came up with the perfect solution… When it’s all healed, I’m going to go get a tattoo of a painted and designed toenail on my big toe! It’s permanent, it’ll always look cool… Why not? When I mentioned that, the doc told me that foot tattoos hurt. Yeah, well… I have a watercolor tattoo on the back of my right shoulder that didn’t hurt at all. And I think watercolor would be best in this case so it looks more realistic. Besides, after all the pain I’ve had my whole life from these fucking toenails, I’m pretty sure I won’t even notice. But that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it!

And… then I went shopping… again…

Okay, bear in mind that I actually did need to go out for something. The power cable for my Nintendo Switch is taking a shit again, so I had to hit Game Stop for a new one. I hate that store… I can’t just come out with what I went in for. I always find some cute or awesome things I just have to have. One of which was this Harley Quinn figure from Birds of Prey. When I looked at the box, I was hoping this one would be the one I got. I was so happily surprised! I also came out with a bunch of other things I didn’t go there for or need, but… yeah, I needed to shop. It had been a rough morning.

I also decided to treat myself to a trip to Five Below where I got a few things, including Pocky! I love Pocky so much… And it’s such a small, sweet treat, I figure it won’t hurt my diet like Red Lobster did. Hey, I’ve been strict with sticking to my diet for 3-4 months and have had little results. I earned a meal bursting with flavor! Besides, I stuck to my diet to a degree anyway… So, after hitting Five Below, I ran to Ulta. I was running low on one of my favorite Pacifica perfumes. Imagine, to my distress, they won’t be carrying it much longer. I bought the last 2 roller ball bottles of that scent (on sale for $7!) and 2 bottles of Hempz body lotion that was on sale.

Thankfully the cardiologist’s office called late afternoon to tell me my stress echo was normal. What a huge relief! I feel like a weight was lifted! I still go see the cardiologist on the 4th, but, for now, I’m feeling pretty relaxed and happy! Now I can stop freaking out over every little ache and pain that feels like a heart attack symptom (to a degree, I’ll still watch for big signs) and I know I can start exercising again because, if I can do what I did, riding my exercise bike should be safe. Seriously, my heart rate never got anywhere near 150 before, but now I know it can and my heart won’t blow the fuck up or anything. So I’m doing this and losing all this damned Cymbalta blubber. Wish me luck!