The Downside Of An Overly Imaginative Mind…

Don’t judge; I’m listening to Air Supply while I type this… Somehow I got “La Bamba” stuck in my head when I woke up and it won’t go the fuck away! I do like that song, I just don’t want to go around singing it all damned day…

So what do you do…? Why, you listen to even more catchy tunes to get rid of it, of course!

That sounds counter-productive… because then you’ll just get another catchy song stuck in your head, right? But that’s okay; we’re good! I notice that, if I listen to a bunch of music, I can usually get rid of the ear worm. Although there was one time that didn’t work… That was when I was in high school and had Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street” stuck in my head every moment from the time I woke until I fell asleep for two weeks straight!! No lie, it didn’t matter what I listened to or how much I listened to anything. Hell, I didn’t even like that song! But it was there, constantly in the background and foreground of my brain. I had to listen to it to get it out of my head. Now I find I like that song…

Anyway… before I dive into other things…

Please excuse the gross, graphic picture… And I don’t just mean of the healing process; I also mean my butt-fucking ugly feet. Seriously, they’re just so ugly… But they’re feet! I just use them to walk on, so they don’t have to be pretty, really…

So I went for my 2 week follow up at the podiatrist yesterday, fully expecting a bawling out. I haven’t been soaking it or using Betadine for close to a week and have only been covering it if I have to go somewhere. Otherwise, I leave it uncovered except for a sock while I’m at home. Surprisingly, he told me it’s exactly where he would expect it to be at this point in the healing process. Hey, he’d know, right? I’m not a doctor, I’ve never had this done before… What the fuck do I know…? Mind you, I didn’t tell him what I was doing (or not doing, in this case) because I would have gotten yelled at. In fact, I slapped a few band-aids on before I left, partly to keep dirt out (I wore sandals) and partly to make it look good. He didn’t seem to notice I didn’t listen. What was I to do? The soaks and constant moisture was breaking down new and old skin. As long as it worked and there’s no infection, so be it! Now I do this on the other big toe mid-September…

My puppy-niece, Foxy, smiling pretty for her picture

After my appointment, I went to my sister’s house, still feeling a bit apprehensive…

By the way, this is one of my puppy-nieces, Foxy, giving me her nearly toothless smile. She’s a sweetheart!

Anyway… I was growing more apprehensive the closer I got to her house, especially the closer I got (following Google maps). The closer I got, the more I realized this was a pretty upscale looking neighborhood. In my mind, that just confirmed what I had been thinking… that she and her boyfriend bought some big, fancy house to show off their successes as a nurse practitioner/teacher and doctor. I literally cringed at the thought… I know my sister; she can be a total fucking snob if she wants…

I also had a bad vision of this place… My mother told me it was “nothing special”, but I assumed she was down-playing it for my benefit. She had also told me that the interior was, of all things, gray… What is with this monochromatic color scheme that’s so popular?! My mother also told me the exterior was also gray with a black door… Now, being an artist and having an over-active imagination, you can imagine, I felt I would be walking into a dark black and white movie…

Imagine my surprise to see the exterior was a very pale grey that was almost white. I was still a bit apprehensive, especially the she invited me in (I was just going to do a drop and run at that point). I think she sensed my discomfort (I don’t hide shit like that) because we just hung in the foyer until I seemed more open to exploring.

Actually, the house isn’t that big and it has a much smaller yard than our family home had. The neighborhood is really nice and very quiet. Honestly… I can’t find anything bad to say about it except that the walls are aggressively gray, which makes the house so drab and colorless. But the kitchen cabinets were literally horrible. They were such a dark shade of gray… It was awful! Granted, she compensated with some pops of color, especially an abstract painting she commissioned. Okay, I was pretty insulted by that. I’m a painter! You can’t throw your sister a bone?! But I guess that, since my paintings look like something and aren’t in a fancy New York gallery, they don’t mean shit, right? Whatever… I also didn’t see that antique mantle clock we fought over years ago that was rightfully mine, which worries me… But antiques from her boyfriend’s family? Ugly as they are, those she has in plain view…

Anyway… during the course of our conversation, she told me she had done the Ancestry.com thing. I knew she was researching our family more, but what I didn’t know was that she also did the DNA thing through them. So I asked what she had found. Amazingly, my family hadn’t spread bullshit or misinformation. What we were told, we are… English (which included some Welsh, which I didn’t know), German (Pennsylvania Dutch to be specific) and French on our mother’s side. My father’s side came up Slovak simply because they lump all those countries in the surrounding area together. We’re Czechoslovakian and Hungarian. But that’s not all! Literally, she made it sound like it was a game show and I’d just won a new car… It turns out that we’re also 2% Jewish! I was pretty surprised by that! It’s actually rather comical as my sister’s boyfriend is Jewish. Guess it’s okay that they marry if they want, hahahaa!

Since she’d done this, I had to ask… There’s been a story in my family forever that we were related to the Tudors of France through my mother’s father’s side. I thought it was either bullshit or, if it wasn’t, it was definitely an “indiscretion” on someone’s part. So I asked my sister if that story was bullshit, fully expecting her to say it was. Imagine my surprise when she smiled and said, “Actually… it’s not bullshit. We are related to the Tudors of France, through Charles. So we have the blood of French Royalty running through us.” What?! I mean, obviously it was due to an indiscretion, we both agreed on that… But all these years, I thought it was a bullshit story! A lot of people claim to be related to royalty because of some bullshit rumor passed down, so I thought we were no different. Imagine my surprise! We’re descended from a Tudor bastard child, hahahaa! Yeah, it’s not a big whoop-de-shit. It’s just interesting!

In other news…

I’ve been avoiding Morticia’s calls for about a week, so I decided to call her. That was a big mistake…

She was wondering why she hadn’t heard from me in a week and I told her I was just taking a breather from people because I’ve been dealing with some stresses and I couldn’t have the stresses of others on me right now. She didn’t say much to that… So the rest of the conversation she was literally not listening to anything I had to say on any subject. But when she began bitching about Gomez, I was expected to listen. Then when I got another call I had to take and had to cut her off, she got pissed at me! Seriously?! I just fucking told you I don’t need anyone else’s stresses added to my own right now, you haven’t listened to anything I’ve said and you get pissed when I don’t listen to you bitch about Gomez for the millionth time?! Just like how she gets irritated when she bitches and I give her advice, but I’m not allowed to get irritated when she sits there and tells me how I should be living my life. I don’t think so, bitch! Besides, who the fuck is she to give me advice?! Like her life is so picture fucking perfect that she should be doling out advice to anyone. The only advice she should be giving is a “don’t let this happen to you” kind of thing…

I know, this may be insensitive, but it’s still funny… And I have a point to this…

One of the things Morticia bitches to me about every single time we speak is that she doesn’t know how she’s going to pay her rent, car insurance, car payment, yada yada yada… I think she’s trying to get me to loan her money to get back on her feet. I don’t know why she keeps trying. I don’t loan money to people and never have. And I know she can’t pay it back, so why would I do it? Yet she keeps asking…

So after talking with my sister yesterday and learning we’re 2% Jewish (it’s not a lot, but it’s enough), I think I’ve found the perfect way to get the bitching and subtle hints to stop. The next time she bitches about her money situation, I’m going to say to her, “Gee, Morticia, I really wish I could help you with that, but I’m Jewish, so… you know…” Hahahaa… I realize how terrible a joke that is, but at this point, it may be the only thing that works. And I’m okay with that!

Her ears must have been ringing or something because, damned, if she didn’t just call me…

I’m seriously finished with this shit. I’m tired of having my phone ring and having to not pick up. I’m tired of her calling repeatedly and then texting me if, god forbid, I don’t answer. I’m tired of keeping off of Facebook or even my Nintendo Switch because she may see that I’m online and then start calling me and getting pissed if I don’t answer. You’d think that, by now, she’d realize that I have this mental condition and, sometimes, I don’t feel like talking, going anywhere, being social… I’m sorry she can’t fathom the concept that I’m perfectly content to be alone, but she needs to start respecting that and respecting my privacy by not blowing up my phone. I’m just sick of the shit…

And When The Mind Was Opened…

This… pretty much says it all…

I took one of those weird quizzes on Facebook because I love Harley Quinn. She’s one of my favorite characters and Margot Robbie did a phenomenal job in the role. Anyway, this was the result of my quiz…

When I saw this, I thought, “How apropos!” No, really… I did… And, not surprisingly, my friends commented that they felt it was very befitting. Of course they did! Seriously, I don’t think I have one friend who doesn’t think I’m a complete lunatic, but in a good way. Which begs to wonder… exactly how much of me is really crazy and how much is me just accepting the observations of others? Did you ever wonder that…? Are you really crazy or are you just judging yourself by how others perceive you? Now I’ve probably got you thinking and you’re all wondering the same thing and getting quite the headache trying to figure this shit out. But don’t worry… You’re probably not basing your sanity solely on the observations of others. I mean, their opinions stem from your behavior, so you probably were a bit nutty to begin with, Just own that shit and run with it, you know…?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve discovered something… Someone really needs to make a pill like this because I really need one.

Hell, I think we all need this pill in light of the current state of the world, am I right?

This morning, while I was looking for some funny memes I saved on my phone to add to my entry, I was looking back at some of the pictures in my camera roll. There were a lot… Honestly, I don’t know how my phone hasn’t come up with the message, “Please… stop adding more photos and memes!” If Siri had a real mind of its own, it would ask me, believe me… Anyway… I probably shouldn’t have been going through any of my photos. I found them incredibly depressing… I think the most upsetting ones were from early March when I had gone to see a WWE event. Early March, when we could sit close together, no one had to wear masks, the world hadn’t shut down yet… When I look at those pictures and the ones in the months before, I get depressed. I miss the world being normal.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who feel that they don’t have to wear a mask because “I’m not afraid of COVID!” I do the mask thing and I do my damndest to keep 6 feet away from everyone if it’s possible… Okay, to be honest, I was social distancing before we were told to. I know they say everyone needs 3 feet of personal space, but I’ve always needed a lot more. I don’t like people, I don’t like people too close to me, so the social distancing suits me just fine.

The real issue is how depressing the world is to me now…

So, like an asshole, I’m going through these pictures from early March, February… Christmas time… It was stupid of me. Instead of being fond memories of happy times, they were my worst nightmare. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I remember that day! It was so much fun!” I’m thinking, “I remember that day… back when life was normal and things could be fun…” Yeah, it’s amazing how different your perspective can be depending on current circumstances, isn’t it?

And so I learned a very important lesson today… Don’t look back at pictures that were taken before they decided to lock everything the fuck down. It’s more of a bummer than I ever imagined it would be. And that’s sad… I really think I’ve lost all hope that the world will ever be normal again, which means my mental ill brain will fixate on those memories and be depressed by them instead of elated.

And speaking of depressing memories…

Before this pandemic started, I had borrowed some money from my sister. I ended up not needing it after all, but I kept forgetting to pay her back with all the bullshit I’ve had to deal with all this time. I’d remember I had to pay her, then BAM, something would come up and I’d forget. I remembered again yesterday and shot her a text, asking if she’d be home and I’ll stop in after my podiatrist appointment.

Now I wish I’d never suggested stopping in…

It’s been probably about 4 years since she sold our family home to move into a new house with her boyfriend. I’m not an idiot… The boyfriend is the reason behind it. The new house is closer to his job (further from my sister’s). Essentially, they moved because the lazy fuck doesn’t want to drive more than 5 minutes to his job. Literally… And, with him being a doctor and her a successful nurse practitioner and medical teacher, I suppose a grander house to reflect their success was in order. My sister has become a twat-waffle…

After my brother-in-law passed away unexpectedly, my sister seemed like her old self again. It was nice. We actually had a relationship, something we never had before. But, like it was before, she got involved in a relationship and was so wrapped up in her own little world that nothing else existed. And she gets wrapped up in her perceived greatness…

I’ve never been to this new house, not in the 4 years they’ve lived there… I never told her until this past Thanksgiving, when I declined her invite to dinner, that I felt resentment towards her for selling the house. What I didn’t tell her was that most of my resentment was focused on the boyfriend… She said she had known I felt this way, but I don’t think she understands to what extent. I was invited for Christmas as well, but I declined then as well. I figured if I was going to see this new house, I wasn’t going to do it on a holiday. Well, here we are… I’m going to have to see it today. I’m not ready for this and, to be honest, it’s causing me more anxiety than I can handle right now.

And, admittedly, I’m afraid I’m going to do what I do best… make a bad situation even worse…

So here’s the thing… I was born without a filter. If it was in my brain, it came directly out my mouth. Granted, I had it under control for many miserable years. I was so unhappy… Then I realized I was much happier telling people exactly what the fuck I think and I began allowing the filter to malfunction more often than not.

Unlike how my sister’s boyfriend treats my mother an her boyfriend (as if they’re of low intelligence, which my mother is not), he’s never treated me that way. I think he knows better… I know my sister has warned him about me, my temper, lack of a filter, the fact that I’m mentally ill… But he’s a rather timid man who will get his jabs in in very subtle ways. But not with me… I admit, I have this razor sharp tongue and a quick wit. I can also insult people in a mildly subtle way and say things so horrible I can make them cry while wearing a smile.

Obviously I have reservations about going to her house…

I also don’t exactly want her showing me around, acting all high and mighty because she has all these status symbols to show how wonderful and successful they are. No offense, but if success and money turn you into that much of a fucking douche, I’ll stay poor and have little to my name. I’m happy with what little I have. Sure, there are things I’d like to have, expensive things… but I don’t want them for status. I want them because I like the way they look or what they do. If I can’t swing it because of the cost, so be it. I can live without whatever it is. And I’d rather live a beer lifestyle on my beer budget than try to live a champagne lifestyle on that same beer budget.

I’m not exactly sure what to do, now… I really don’t feel ready to see this house (which, my mother tells me, isn’t much to look at and is fairly ugly). But I really need to return the money I borrowed so that I can get at least one thing off my plate. I wonder if I can just do a drive-by and drop it off… Would that be rude…? The better question is, do I really give a fuck if it is rude…?! Maybe I’ll play it by ear. If seeing the outside upsets me, I’ll just drop it and run. Yeah, I know. I’m pathetic…

Ah, to be a sunflower…

I could use some energy right now, especially some positive energy.

Honestly, I’m just sick of people in general. I’m really growing to hate leaving my house, which is why I only leave it, for the most part, just to go to doctor’s appointments. And you’re lucky I’m willing to do that…

When did we become a world full of stupid people and assholes? People who question your life choices when they themselves lead less than desirable lives, people who have a mask they wear to show society a face other than their true one so they feel special and important, people who will argue that your opinion is wrong when it’s just your opinion and opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one… I’m just so fucking sick of everything and everyone. It’s affecting my mental state in a bad way and squelching my creativity. That’s why I’ve been isolating myself. I haven’t been taking calls, I don’t respond to texts often if at all, and I’ve been telling people off. I’m tired of playing nice. The gloves are off, man…

I Feel Rather Superior Today…

I just can’t see anyone but Linda Carter in this role…

I know what you’re thinking… But try to understand. I’m fucking old… When I think of Wonder Woman, this is who I envision, Linda Carter. I watched this show growing up, so to me, she’ll always be the only Wonder Woman. Although the new version has a much better outfit…

Okay, she’s making me feel bad and ruining my manic high… I used to have a body like that before menopause… *sigh*

Alright, enough about that… Let’s get on with this, shall we?

I’ve been on this manic high since yesterday afternoon, literally feeling like Wonder Woman. Is that a good thing…? I’m not sure. It is and it isn’t. It kind of depends on how long it lasts. The more days I’m manic, the worse the crash after it’s over. Would I love to just ride this wave and enjoy every second of it? Fuck yeah! But it’s always there, in the back of my mind… I know the crash will come and it will be really ugly. How pathetic that I can’t even enjoy feeling good because I know the crash is inevitable. The downside to being bipolar…

Amazing that they didn’t distort her boobs…

That’s better… Drawings don’t make me feel as bad…

Anyway… You may be curious as to why I’ve been feeling like Wonder Woman. I’ll tell you! I finally had my appointment with the cardiologist yesterday (I had to cancel my last one because my town was flooded). I so did not expect what he told me. As for my Holter monitor results, he said they were the best he’s ever seen, especially with my age and the fact that I smoke. He literally kept shaking his head in amazement and said, “Christ… I don’t even have anything to yell at you for!” He was a funny guy! My stress echocardiogram was just as good! He really was amazed! And as for my abnormal EKGs… First off, it’s a very slight abnormality in the electrical system. It sometimes takes that current a bit longer than usual to go from the top to the bottom. But it’s so slight, it’s nothing to worry about and he said I was born with it. He also gave me copies of my results and told me they were so good I could frame them! I just might! I left there feeling young again and very much like Wonder Woman!

And this is how the whole thing started…

I knew I was in a hyper manic state, but I didn’t care. I was talking at a thousand miles an hour, being the overly friendly social butterfly, feeling so young and invincible… It felt fucking amazing! I don’t get hyper mania often (it’s usually hypo mania) so I was reveling in this feeling of euphoria that happens so seldom. I didn’t stop reveling as much as I was until I realized a crash would eventually come. Then I calmed down a bit. But I still feel young and invincible even this morning. How awesome is that?! It’s that sense of relief, of knowing the thing that causes me the most anxiety (thinking I’m going to have a heart attack) is all in my head and my heart is oddly healthy for my age and the amount I smoke. Plus menopause… Damn! Whatever I’m doing, I’m going to keep doing it! Healthy living is, apparently, not always best. Not for me, so it seems…

So I’m still feeling this way when I see someone commented on a friend’s post on Facebook. I knew that maiden name… Back when I was in high school, she was one of the many people who treated me like shit. I was poor, I got free lunch, I wore clothes from K-Mart… I wasn’t very pretty (though there was a reason I never tried to be called pervy old men). This girl, and a lot of others, acted so fucking superior and treated me like I was beneath them and lower than dog shit. Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t hold grudges, but they had no idea how bad their treatment hurt me and how it still effects my self-esteem to this day. Well, I decided to check out her profile and saw a picture of her… Oh… my… god… She’s fat!! And I don’t mean like how I say I’m fat, I mean fat like in this comic! And she looks so old! I’m feeling very superior myself, now. I don’t think that’s a good thing… But next year I have a reunion coming up (I’ve never gone to any) and I think I’ll work out, get back in shape and actually go to this one. For once, I want to be the superior one!

Surprise… I’m a bit of an asshole! But if you’ve been reading my posts, you probably already knew that… That’s okay. Call me a bitch, an asshole, crazy… I really don’t care. I own that shit…

And speaking of shit…

Morticia hasn’t called me in days (it’s a miracle) and I think it’s largely due to the fact that I was feeling really ill since my toenail removal. The stress of it literally made me physically sick as does looking at it. Anyway, she called yesterday morning, so I decided to be nice and answer it. I know I shouldn’t have, but again, she’s still sort of family and I need to keep things civil and not rock the boat. But I really wish I wouldn’t have… Talking to her is like talking to the world’s biggest and most annoying idiot. Half the time I don’t listen and the other half of the time I spend either face palming or making weird faces at my phone… or chucking the finger…

So let me give you a brief rundown on why she’s stupid… Back when Morticia moved into her rental home, a friend of hers was going to move in to help with expenses. She moved a few things in, including her cat, but never moved in and screwed Morticia (hence one reason why she can’t pay her bills). Worse, this woman abandoned her cat and expected Morticia to care for it. For over half a year I’ve heard her bitching about this so-called “friend”. Then yesterday, she calls me up in a blubbery state to tell me her “friend”, the very same one, had had her second stroke and was going for surgery to remove an artery from her leg to put in her neck where she’s had the clots. Morticia tearfully told me this “friend” might die…

The thought had crossed my mind to point out exactly how stupid this whole thing was… All she’s done for months is bitch, “She really fucked me and now I’m stuck with her fucking cat!” This woman isn’t very nice… She dumped her daughter to live with friends of hers, she dumped her cat on Morticia, and her solution to the cat issue was that, if she took her back, she was going to have to put her down. Never mind that the cat is lovable and in good health. Obviously, she’s a flake who shirks responsibility. Yet there was Morticia yesterday, in tears, telling me this woman may die. Obviously I felt nothing… I don’t know her and what I do know of her doesn’t deserve an ounce of pity from me at all. If I could feel pity… The point is, I was just dumbfounded by this. I had thought that, maybe, I should point out how illogical it was for her to get so upset over someone who had fucked her over, but it’s wasted on her, I know. We’ve had many conversations where my opinion is to say “fuck them” and she whines she can’t do that because she’s not like me, she cares about people. Yeah, you care about using them. And was that an insult towards me…?

Okay, WordPress is suddenly fucking with the images, here… Fix that shit!

Anyway… I know I’ve had conversations with her as to why I only care for a handful of people. To a certain degree, I’m a bit of a sociopath. Not fully, mind you, but I do have some of the traits. Not giving a flying fuck about 99% of the people I know is one of them. Yet she always tells me that I’m not like that and she knows I’m not, she knows how I am and that I care for people. Really… She doesn’t know me. No one really does in that respect. I let them see what I want them to.

Over my many years, I’ve successfully found a way to avoid uncomfortable situations and issues. I can feign emotions I don’t have, though not always as well as I’d like.

And to be honest, I’m starting to not hide my true feelings with her… She thinks she’s subtle when using people, but she’s not… Yesterday she told me she got the biopsy results from her hysterectomy but didn’t understand a lot of the terms. “I took a screen shot so maybe you can ask you sister (the nurse practitioner) or maybe you’d know.” Yes, I’m just a walking medical encyclopedia… I told her to Google it, which she asked me to do. What the fuck…

You know, if her IQ is as high as mine, as she claims, why the fuck can’t she figure out how to Google big technical terms?!

I don’t have time or patience for any of this happy horse shit… I have much better ways to waste my time.

Actually, I haven’t been wasting it… Since she hadn’t called me in days, I took advantage and decided to start writing in my one story again! No, it’s not one I’m writing to publish (I have a few I wouldn’t mind trying that with), it’s the one I use for self therapy. I need time to write in it or I start losing my shit…

On a much more disturbing note…

I had to call the toe doctor the other day because my nail bed isn’t healing very well and what the fuck is that lumpy shit on the top of the nail bed?! He asked me to send pictures to his cell, which I did. He said it didn’t look infected, upped my soaking time to 15 minutes 3 times a day and suggested I leave it uncovered overnight. Which I did last night…

You can see how well that went… Did you ever see the remake of The Fly with Jeff Goldblum…? You know, the part where his giant fly self melded together with the telepod… That’s how my toe and sock felt this morning. Ouch! Yeah I know, I shouldn’t have worn socks. But it was either that or have my toe ooze all over sheets and blankets. A sock was better. Thankfully, it wasn’t too terrible a separation, minus the sock fuzz and pt hair still stuck to my toe when I took this picture. It’s still sore, especially where that funky skin is on top, and it’s just not scabbing over. Hopefully the air will help it dry. Hell, that little red dot on the bottom of my toe? That’s where he shot in the local. Yup, I still have a needle mark there…

That was gross, I know. So I’ll leave you with something pleasant. Just please don’t mind the background mess… I need everything close to me and can’t clean because walking is still weird and painful.

The other day, this was the scene on the loveseat. Amazing! Both dogs laying together and getting along! It’s no secret that Miko (the Shiba Inu) hates Baxter (the corgi). So seeing this was a rare treat! And, as you can see, they’ve confiscated the love seat… It’s all stained from dirty paws and the pillows are shredded… I’m not happy about that… But we’re not going to discuss my dislike of the dogs ruining things on my house. I just wanted to leave you with a really adorkable picture of Baxter and Miko being kind and tolerant for once. Mark that on your calendars…

My Summer Vacation In Hell…

A week ago, I was enjoying my Monday morning ritual of binge watching The Twilight Zone when I was bombarded by phone calls. What else is new… I put the TV on pause in the beginning of the episode “Penny For Your Thoughts” and it happened to be on this particular frame of Dick York right before he has a near miss with an oncoming car. His face was so comical, I had to take a picture of it!

But it was more than that… It was also a matter of how much I could relate to that face… No matter what I’m showing on the outside, this is, for the most part, the face I’m making on the inside. Especially lately… This past week was a disaster that seemed to get progressively worse as the week went on. Just when I thought that it couldn’t possibly get any worse, it fucking did. And I have a feeling it’s not going to be getting better any time soon…

Show of hands… How many of you relate to the sloth…?

That’s me, just trying not to fall out of the Tree of Life. And I’m failing miserably.

There was a time, long ago, when I had no issues telling people to get bent or tell them what I really thought. If you pissed me off, I’d tell you that you were pissing me off. If you were being a needy pain in the ass, I’d tell you that, too. But, at some point, I had to change because situations had changed… You get older, you acquire more family through marriages, births, or what have you. That’s when shit gets complicated. Suddenly, you have to watch what you say and do because you don’t want to make waves with family and extended family. Relationships with people suddenly become more of a burden… And you find yourself missing the person you were who spoke without giving a flying figging fuck.

Ah, to have the life of a cat… and just hide in a box when you don’t want to be bothered.

Morticia is one I’d like to hide in a box from. Literally…

You know, I don’t get her at all… I understand how boring it can be, just laying around, waiting to heal from a surgery. But the stupid thing is that she’s not doing that. She’s still running around (I was told not to drive for 6 weeks after my hysterectomy was finished), she’s baking, canning shit… So WHY does she still call me more than a half dozen times a day?! And why can she not understand that I have things to do and can’t be bothered this much?! I know things aren’t going well for her right now. Her landlord is trying to evict her (though she’s done nothing to break the lease) and she’s not going through legal channels. So Morticia calls me all frantic and bawling. I explained to her the landlord can’t evict her without going through proper legal channels (at least where we live you have to) and that she should talk to my lawyer. She did and he reassured her that what I said was correct. Yet she still freaks out and blubbers to me about it.

She’s also been spending more time with Gomez, but not for the right reasons… I suspect she’s spending more time with him and acting as if their relationship is okay because she’s afraid she’ll end up homeless and need a place to go. Granted, I think Gomez is a douche, but even he deserves better than being used.

Not to mention that she’s constantly telling me that she has no money, won’t be able to pay her car payment and she’ll lose her car. First of all, it takes months for them to repo it. Second, if she’d call the bank like I told her to, maybe she could work shit out, but she’s so dead set that they won’t help her that she won’t call. On top of that, I think she’s always telling me how broke she is because she knows I came into some money. Yes, I could help her, but I won’t. I need that for my own expenses and I can’t afford to have someone not pay me back for long periods, if at all. Besides, instead of constantly telling me your woes, ask if you need help. Not that you’ll get it…

So I’ve been taking the advice of the owner of the hippie-dippy shop. I just haven’t been answering my phone. But it doesn’t prevent her from calling…

And there’s something I’ve taken notice to… Her constant calling, whether I answer or not, is still so stressful that I’ve been physically sick. It began as mild discomfort but, with the rest of the week’s events, it blew up into the most horrible issue…

Several years ago, I spent a few days in a psych ward for my anxiety and, afterward, went through a 2 week outpatient program. I thought it wouldn’t work, that they’d never retrain my brain to stop freaking out, but they succeeded (for a few years). The downside to this was that my anxiety decided to manifest as something else entirely instead. It wasn’t in my brain any longer. Now it was in my digestive tract…

Since I managed to cut my amount of Klonopin down to one in the morning, I’ve noticed that my anxiety has once again moved to my digestive tract. I had a stressful moment coming up, which was bad enough, and Morticia’s constant calling just exacerbated it.

By the time that stressful moment came on Wednesday, I ended up with some mild stomach pain after the fact. But, over the next few days, it grew progressively worse. By Saturday morning, my stomach and gut were in so much pain. I ended up with a horrible case of the runs, something I never get, so that in and of itself was stressing.

I tried everything… I tried medicines, eating bland, eating things to soak up stomach acid… Nothing worked…

So here I am, just 2 days short of a week after the stressful procedure I had done, and I’m still feeling like shit. I’ve literally been laying around doing nothing, partly because of the procedure and partly because I feel so fucking lousy. I’ve just been laying around, curled up in a little ball, suffering with the worst stomach pains and intestinal cramps. Yeah, they got the anxiety out of my brain, but I think I’d prefer it there over my digestive tract…

Sorry for the graphic picture. I know; it’s really gross…

I’ve had toenail issues since I was a young child. I’m not sure how it happened, but the nail beds of pretty much all my toenails are damaged, but none so much as my big toenails. The last time I saw the podiatrist, he told me I was out of options. It was either continue to have excruciating pain or remove the nails permanently. I was against it… When I was a kid, my sister caught one of her overly long toenails on the doorframe of the car when she was getting in the backseat with me. The nail was sticking straight up, only attached at the nail bed. I had to ride about 20 minutes in the backseat with that creepy, bloody sight. It was pretty traumatic, which is why I was so reluctant to have the procedure done. But the kind of pain I had… it was bad enough for me to agree.

It was hell… I didn’t feel anything until the local wore off, but it was tolerable. What wasn’t tolerable was that I almost puked when he removed it (I could feel the pressure of him taking it off) and the first time I saw it that night when I had to soak it, I almost puked again. The following morning, I wasn’t in any pain, really, but it looked awful. This picture was taken yesterday, 5 days later. And this looks good in comparison, despite the swelling at the tip of my toe. And I’ll have to do this again with the other toe soon…

On the bright side (of which there is only one), I was inspired last week to create an art journal entry!

This is just one page of a 2 page spread of mixed media. It’s nothing very important, just something I felt like doing since I had gotten a shit ton of new washi tape and had used none until that day. And I felt like playing with my watercolor markers…

This was the very first thing I’ve actually created in probably almost a year, save for a new profile picture for Facebook… So I posted pictures of both pages as well as a video of me slowly panning over everything. Sometimes I wonder why I bother… All of 2 people actually hit the like button for all the hard work I’d put into this journal entry that took probably 4 days. So either my friends are major fucking assholes or they have no appreciation for art and the hard work that goes into it…

Similarly, only one person liked this drawing I did in Corel Painter. This one also took me several days, working at least 8 or more hours each day…

Is my art this bad…? Do my friends care so little for me that they can’t be bothered to make me feel better by hitting that like button…?! Maybe they think that, because I enjoy what I do that it’s not hard work. I mean, hey, I’m just sitting on my ass drawing, right? Let me tell you, it is work and not easy work at that. It’s time consuming, frustrating when it doesn’t turn out like you envision… Not surprisingly, Morticia was one that didn’t hit the like button for either. I suppose that’s why she thinks she can call all the time and disturb me… She doesn’t see drawing, paining or writing as actual “work”… Either way, it’s disheartening that no one seems to like my work. It sometimes makes me feel like quitting and never creating art again.

Ah well… Such is life…

Well… such is my life, anyway. I’m at the point where I often times feel like just saying “fuck it” and becoming a hermit. I’m just tired of all the bullshit.

Imagine you put your heart and soul into something and no one notices or cares, but put up some gross ass pictures of your now nailless toe and everyone seems to chime in to ask if you’re okay. Seriously?! It’s just a fucking toe! It’ll heal and I’ll be fine! Christ, physical pain is nothing compared to mental pain! You know… the kind people inflict on you by not liking the good things that make you happy and instead liking the miserable times…

Is that what makes a person interesting, the awful things that befall them even if they’re not so awful…? I only posted pictures of my toe so that the people saying they wanted to have it done because of constant ingrown toenails could understand… It’s not fun and I had damage done to my nails that would never improve. This was a last resort and no one wants to do this unless they’re at that point. But hey, I guess that’s more important than supporting someone’s creativity, right…? Yeah… Assholes…

A Trip To My Happy Place

So I did something wonderful for myself yesterday. I went to my favorite hippie-dippy store (new age shop, same thing).

Admittedly, it’s in a fairly shitty area of a nearby city (what the rest of you would probably consider a large town) here in bumble-fuck. What’s odd is that, for someone who’s afraid of their own shadow (me) seems perfectly at ease walking around in downtown shit hole. I’m not sure why since everyone else I know is totally ill at ease with the area. Kind of funny…

Anyway… I parked up the street as there’s no parking out front and walked down to my favorite store. They had to front door open and fans running to try to beat the heat (it was an epic fail). The buildings in this area are so fucking old, I doubt the wiring could handle air conditioning even if you had the means to install some. Still, as soon as I walked in, I took a deep breath and smiled. Even in downtown shit hole with all the traffic, noise and people, you just feel completely at ease as soon as you walk in the door. It’s such a lovely feeling!

Admittedly, aside from going there to have some serenity for a short time, I actually went there to buy incense cones, which I’m finding I like much better than sticks. I picked up a box and a few other little things I liked, such as a mushroom necklace, a stone spirit animal, a chakra flag…

Then there was this…

I saw this beauty when I first went into the store over 6 months ago. I fell in love with it right away, but it was a bit pricey because it’s silver and amber. Yes, fossilized tree sap is pricey… Anyway, all the times I’d gone into the store, there it was, hanging there so carefree. But I just didn’t know if I wanted to spend money on something so frivolous, even if it’s one of a kind. So, after such a long time of not being able to go there (thanks COVID-19), I was surprised to see that it was still there! It was like a sign, like it had been waiting because it was meant for me or something. So I bought it! It’s so beautiful… I regret nothing!

Before you ask… yes, I’m a bit of a gypsy. I wear entirely too much jewelry of all kinds. But I don’t care…

Moving on…

I found this book on the self and the title was intriguing for some reason. So I pulled it from the shelf and found it to be incredibly amazing! Not only does it have lined and blank pages, the pages contain inspirational quotes, some from some very famous people. On top of that, it also contains some of the most beautiful color pages with these amazing prints on them! For someone like me, who has been in an art and writing slump and feels absolutely no creative flow whatsoever (and haven’t for probably years, now) I thought that this book might help give me the kick in the ass I need to get the creative juices flowing again. I’m not going to lie; I never had a slump this bad. And it scares me… What if my creative juices have dried up permanently?! That’s always been a huge fear of mine…

I finally got to meet the owner of the shop yesterday. Every time I’d gone in prior to that, it was a young guy working who looked as if he was perpetually stoned. Nice guy, just seemed twice baked on a regular basis… Anyway, I really liked her. And she’s a very wise and insightful woman.

We were chatting about things and I happened to mention the issues I’m having with Morticia and her calling me at least a half dozen times a day, every day. She asked if she could give me some advice and I said sure. She said, “You don’t always have to answer.” It was such a simple solution… and it’s one I’ve been using for a while. But it doesn’t always help. She’ll just keep blowing up my phone with calls and texts asking, “Hey, are you okay?” Yes, I’m okay! I just don’t want to talk to you all of my waking hours! It’s a nice idea, to just say fuck it and not answer, but it’s not practical. The phone still rings and I get annoyed when I see it’s her. I can’t put my phone on silent or I’ll miss other important calls. I don’t think there’s a good solution, here…

I was telling her how bad things were. Because of the constant calls, I can’t focus on anything, really. I can’t draw or paint, I can’t write… It’s as if everything I had has been sucked completely dry.

That was when this wise woman gave me a great insight. She told me that Morticia is feeding off my energy. That put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. There were some hard times with family and I felt as though everyone was feeding off my energy to make it through those tough times. That was fine. Difficult, but fine. During times when people are terminally ill, that’s when I really shine. I throw my energy out there on purpose to help those who are fighting a losing battle with theirs. Is it draining? Yes… but I keep on going. For 3 fucking years, I had to keep throwing my energy out there, trying to keep everyone else together, which kept me together. But everyone has a breaking point… Once everyone else feels better and can stand on their own, I fall all to pieces, the thing I should have done all along and didn’t.

Of course there’s a huge difference between sending your energy out to help those in need for a brief period and having a parasite that literally feeds of your energy and gives nothing in return, except maybe negativity.

This is what I’ve been facing with Morticia for over a year. Honestly, I just can’t bring myself to deal with it anymore. At what point do I say, “I’m done,” and tell her we can’t be friends if she’s going to continue on this way because she’s toxic to me…? Honestly, I think I reached that point some time ago, but I just can’t bring myself to say anything. Yes, she stresses me the fuck out to the point that I want to rip my hair out and run around the house screaming. Actually, I think she was the stress that made my heart go wonky on the first place. But… if I’m honest and tell her these things, it may create more stress in the situation. That’s why I’m so up in the air about everything. But I need to do something… Yesterday, when I ignored her calls, I literally began feeling sick to my stomach because I knew damn well that this was going to be a pattern for the next 6 weeks while she’s home. I just can’t…

I even called my old therapist yesterday because I’m desperate for help at this point.

I really wish I knew what to do… It’s not that I haven’t gotten good advice. I’ve gotten great advice. The issue, though, is that Morticia isn’t like normal people. She’s paranoid, thinks everyone is out to get her and takes everything as a personal attack against her. Then she’ll bash that person to anyone and everyone who will listen to her. I don’t need to deal with that shit, either.

I need to find some sort of peace with all of this. But the way things are going, I’m not sure I can. I can’t keep going to hippie-dippy stores to find things to help me keep my sanity and find serenity. That gets to be a very expensive habit. At least it seems to help to a point. I just need to find some balance within myself. These things take time and don’t happen overnight. I need to be patient…

What Fresh Hell This Is…

Every day, marble man… Every fucking day…

It’s times like these that I hear one of the segments from Metallica’s “One”: “Hold my breath as I wish for death, Oh please, god, help me”… But I can’t hold my breath that long. And you’d pass out and start breathing before you die anyway…

Don’t worry, I’m not thinking of doing anything stupid. There are better ways of rectifying the situation at hand. Though I sometimes think the easiest way would be to bust my eardrums with an icepick and gouge out my eyes… Anything to avoid the fresh hell that is my life, currently…

I have this therapy app that I’ve been using (it’s a program, not a person) and it’s been very helpful. Well… except in one area, but that’s because I don’t listen. It often speaks about how to recognize “future thinking” and tells you why you shouldn’t do that, that you should tell yourself that things may not turn out as disastrously as you think they will. And, I suppose, that would work in most situations. But the app isn’t met Morticia…

Morticia went in for a hysterectomy two days ago… I didn’t mind her texting me and calling me when she was able. Understandably, she was anxious about the procedure. As I had mine finished (they yanked what was left, which was my uterus) two years ago, I was familiar with it and able to talk her down. It was the nice thing to do, helping ease her anxiety. But when she called after the fact… it got ugly.

Most of the conversation was her telling me her experience, which was fine. As I knew, she really wasn’t in that much discomfort (it’s not a horrible procedure). But then came the talk of her going home. I suggested she stay the night because she’d be safer. We were having terrible flash floods like I’d never seen here in all my years and I figured it was better if she stay. She literally bit my head off, “I am not staying!” and let me go a few seconds later. Fine, get washed away and fucking drown… Needless to say, I didn’t pick up when she called me back several times later on…

She called again late that night, which I wish she wouldn’t do. She always calls late and then I can’t sleep well after… Anyway, I spoke to her and things were okay at first. Then the paranoia set in. “I have so much pain in my shoulders and chest, I just know they did something to me when I was under!” Uh-huh… I’ve had laparoscopic surgery 3 times so far. I told her it was due to the gas they blow you up with to see inside and just keep taking deep breaths and move her arms. And taking gas pills sometimes helps. Of course, she didn’t believe me and was thoroughly convinced they did something to her until another “friend” of hers told her the same. I suppose she still thinks I’m intellectually inferior to her. Trust me, it’s the other way around… Anyway, I got a “good morning” text from her the next day… at a few minutes past 6AM… Seriously?! I didn’t even acknowledge it. I’m sorry, I like my mornings. That’s my time to do what I want while the hood is still nice and quiet. She called me a few hours later, but I was eating breakfast. I made her wait another half hour after that…

I spoke with her for about an hour or so, during which she ignored what I was saying and asked me to repeat myself a million times (this is normal conversation with her, guys). When I had an incoming call I had to take, she told me to call her back after. Yeah… I never called back… She tried calling me twice yesterday afternoon in close proximity. I’m never sure why… She knows I usually take a nap in the afternoon, which is always when she calls. Besides, if I didn’t pick up the first time, you wait for me to call you back. It’s as if she has no concept of phone etiquette.

I actually never did call her back. I sent a text instead, explaining that my jaw was killing me so bad I could hardly talk . I actually wasn’t completely lying. My jaw was in immense pain, as were my teeth from grinding them during my nap. She was surprised it was that painful and asked what caused it. I was honest, I told her stress. I have TMJ which gets worse when I’m stressed. I clench my jaw muscle without realizing, grind my teeth… Eventually it becomes painful to talk or chew and I need muscle relaxers. Mind you, I was fine until I spoke to her in the morning…

So before I broke my jaw or some teeth, I decided to vent to a friend…

Here’s the thing… I can only avoid so many of her thousand calls in a day. Literally, she’ll call me an hour after we hang up. What’s up with that shit?! Anyway, I can only use the excuses, “I was napping”, “I was in the bathroom”, “I was eating (insert name of meal here)” before it starts to sound like I have major medical issues. Worse, I’ve been trying to hide from her. Literally…

The one bad thing about having online capabilities on a Nintendo Switch is that all your friends can see when you’re online, unless you unfriend them. So the escape I once took pleasure in, playing Animal Crossing, is no longer pleasurable because I never know if she’s going to be lurking about, checking to see when I’m online so she knows I’m not busy and can talk to her for hours on end.

The thing is… I am busy, in a way… Just because I don’t have a job I go to every day like most people doesn’t mean I don’t work. I guess she’s like a lot of other people and doesn’t consider drawing or writing to be a “job” and thinks phone calls won’t distract me and piss me off. Getting lost in my world of creativity is essential for my sanity. Without that, I’m fucked… I’ll go into a major art slump and feel miserable because of it, like I do now.

I can’t even do the one thing I enjoy that seems to relax me a bit, which is playing Animal Crossing. She must check to see if I’m on, then she calls me to ask how to do whatever thing is is that she wants to do… Do you realize how many times I had to explain how to do certain things and use certain features in that game?! Mind you, they make it really clear and easy! Yet she wants me to come visit and help her with part of it right now, a.k.a, I want you to make my island nice like yours because I don’t want to put the effort in… Hey, I had to figure this shit out on my own. You figure it out on your own…

However… I do have a secret so I can avoid her and still enjoy my game.

Last week, I got a Nintendo Switch Lite (only slightly cheaper than a regular Switch) and another copy of Animal Crossing. You can only have one island per game system, so I got another in order to have a Southern Hemisphere island. I know, that sounds stupid and wasteful to do that just to get items from the opposite season, right? Possibly… But there is one huge advantage… I don’t have online capabilities (I’m not paying $20 for the year o this Switch). I can travel there from my first island using local play, which doesn’t require online capabilities and my “clone” character can visit my first island as well. But I’ve kept it quiet… I post no pictures of my currently bare island with all the lovely snow because I’m keeping it a secret from Morticia. I hear her whine enough… If I catch something in the game (a fish or bug) that she didn’t catch yet, she whines, “Well ,why haven’t I caught one…?” Maybe because you don’t have well over 1000 hours invested in your island? Or simply because you haven’t found one yet…

She’s going to be out of work at least 6 weeks… which means 6 weeks of this bullshit every day… I can’t keep hiding from her. I need to live my life, little of one as I have (but I’m happy with that). Already she’s like a parasite, sucking all of the joy out of my existence. It’s so bad, I currently feel as if I’m going to puke, I’m so nauseous… I think I’m going to put in a call to my therapist and perhaps make a trip to my favorite hippie-dippy store today. I need some serenity and I need it yesterday. I need some sort of guidance…

Jackie’s Trek III: The Search For Watch

See what I did there, with the title…? Yes, I made a Star Trek reference (to the 3rd movie The Search For Spock), yes it is a bad pun… But it’s actually very befitting for what this past week was like, honestly.

Plus it rhymed! And I’m never one to pass up some kind of goofy pun if one can be made!

You’re probably wondering what that title means, exactly… Well, let me tell you… Obviously, I had to go in search of a watch. Again… It sounds like an easy task, right? Well, maybe it is for some people. But I’m not like other people. I’m incredibly picky when it comes to certain accessories and watches are one of the things I’m pickiest about. I know; it’s just a watch. But everything I wear or carry is a statement of who I am… a lopsided artist…

There are quite a few criteria a watch has to meet. It has to be water resistant, no metal bands (they always pull my arm hair) and they can’t be pretty and effeminate because I’m more the funky tom boy. And, though this has flowers on the band and is the color I hate most (navy blue is okay though), it was pretty funky. So I bought it. One day I accidentally spilled a bottled water, which ran over my watch, and a shit ton of condensation built up under the crystal. Assuming it was just a bum seal, I returned it for another. Guess what… A tiny amount of water touched it and damned if it didn’t immediately fog up again! Ugh… Seriously, don’t advertise it as water resistant if the slightest amount of moisture is going to fuck it all up. I was fed up and pissed off by this point. I needed a watch! Worse, all the stores here in bumble-fuck don’t actually carry the watches on their website. I’m sorry, I can’t blindly choose a watch without physically being able to see or touch it. Yes, I’m picky!

By Saturday, I was going bat shit insane… I felt naked without a watch…

It was suggested that I go to this huge outdoor mall full of outlet stores about a half hour away due to the fact that they had a Guess outlet and I was looking at their watches. So I traveled north about a half hour (traffic was awful, so it was more like 45-60 minutes) to the outlet stores. On a day it reached 88 degrees (F) and the sun was strong… And I walked all over the whole large area in search of a watch.

My first stop was Fossil. I found a few that were okay, but still, I felt really meh about them. I did, however, find a really nice camera bag purse. I know I shouldn’t have gotten it, but I couldn’t help but buy it… and a new wallet… Oh, bad Jackie… It just got worse. After, I went to the Guess outlet. The front where the watches were was fairly crowded (social distancing, you know) so I checked out the rest of the store. I ended up leaving with 2 T-shirts, 2 lip balm, a small bottle of a new perfume they have and one of the watches I saw online that I liked. Best watch ever! Still, quite a trek to get one…

It was a bad weekend of spending like crazy…

Friday, the day before my trek for a new watch, I made up my mind on something I was undecided about. I bought a Nintendo Switch Lite…

I also got another copy of Animal Crossing as that’s the only way to do what I did. I got this Switch (not crazy about the color, but it was this or gray, and it’s not a horrible color) because you can only have one island per Switch and I have a Northern Hemisphere island. I don’t know anyone with a Southern Hemisphere island and I desperately wanted to have certain items from a place where it’s winter. Plus I could set it for a different time zone and play different times of the day. I know I shouldn’t have spent the money… A Switch Lite (which any Switch right now is hard to find) is $199, plus $60 for the game, then add tax… Yeah, it was a fairly expensive venture. But I’m glad I did it. I can have a ton of stuff I’d normally have to wait a long time for and I have no patience. Besides, I wish I’d have known how certain aspects of the game were going to be so I could have planned better. With this island, I can!

Besides… I’m going to need the distraction…

Morticia is officially off from work for at least 6 weeks. Knowing her, it’ll be even longer with how much she whines and bitches… Tomorrow she’s going in for a hysterectomy. I had one myself, in 3 surgeries, however. I lost one ovary in 2006, the other in 2007, then finally had the rest yanked in 2018. I’ve been through hell with everything and still am. Surgically induced menopause, especially at the age I was at, does bad things to your body that don’t get better. I don’t want to hear her whine and bitch to me for the next 6 weeks. I don’t know why she does… I don’t dole out pity to anyone, let alone her. And I’ve already been there. So suck it the fuck up, buttercup. Don’t be a pussy. There’s nothing I hate more than that. But… this is Morticia we’re speaking of. God forbid people shouldn’t feel sorry for her. Hell, no one gave a flying fuck about any of my 3 surgeries. Why should I care about hers? Sorry, that’s how life works. I wasn’t worth her caring about then; I don’t care about her now.

And the annoyance begins already…

She has off today as well and, as I expected, she called… At 7:24AM, she called… I realize I get up at some insanely early hour every morning, usually between 4:30-5AM every day. But that doesn’t mean that I want to talk so god-damn early in the morning! Jesus Christ! I can’t take time to blog, work on my art, write my stories… Even if, by some miracle of fate, she actually left me the fuck alone for the day, I still wouldn’t be able to get anything accomplished because I’m so stressed and irritated that I can’t seem to get the creativity flowing. I actually read an article about how to get people to stop calling you all the time and it stated that, constant calls, can cause stress, trouble focusing… all sorts of issues. The weird thing is, she has so many other friends, so she claims. Why can’t you call one of them for once?! I’m just so sick of feeling like I have no privacy, no life outside of talking to her… I need to stop this in a nice way and I don’t know how…

Hey, at least I can see fireworks somehow…

At least I have my neat little escape…

Every Sunday night this month, they’re setting off fireworks for hours in Animal Crossing New Horizons. I’m really glad they’re doing it at this point…

Isolation sucks, not being able to go do normal summer things like going to carnivals and going to watch fireworks has been annoying to say the least. But, thanks to the awesome people at Nintendo, I still get to see fireworks and I don’t have to be socially distant from anyone when I do it. It’s just a little saving grace for those of us who are going bat-shit insane missing out on normal activities.

If I could crawl inside the screen and literally live inside my game right now, I would…

After all, if I get too hot, I can go visit my other island where it’s cold and snowy. I don’t have to social distance, there’s no COVID-19. But, best of all, there’s no Morticia on either island! And the best she can do from hers os send me letters. No phone calls, no annoyances, no listening to whiny bullshit. Just peace and quiet, living on a once deserted island you built up to perfection. What more can one ask for…? Well, except to make my idea a possibility…

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
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3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
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