It’s times like these that I hear one of the segments from Metallica’s “One”: “Hold my breath as I wish for death, Oh please, god, help me”… But I can’t hold my breath that long. And you’d pass out and start breathing before you die anyway…

Don’t worry, I’m not thinking of doing anything stupid. There are better ways of rectifying the situation at hand. Though I sometimes think the easiest way would be to bust my eardrums with an icepick and gouge out my eyes… Anything to avoid the fresh hell that is my life, currently…

I have this therapy app that I’ve been using (it’s a program, not a person) and it’s been very helpful. Well… except in one area, but that’s because I don’t listen. It often speaks about how to recognize “future thinking” and tells you why you shouldn’t do that, that you should tell yourself that things may not turn out as disastrously as you think they will. And, I suppose, that would work in most situations. But the app isn’t met Morticia…

Morticia went in for a hysterectomy two days ago… I didn’t mind her texting me and calling me when she was able. Understandably, she was anxious about the procedure. As I had mine finished (they yanked what was left, which was my uterus) two years ago, I was familiar with it and able to talk her down. It was the nice thing to do, helping ease her anxiety. But when she called after the fact… it got ugly.

Most of the conversation was her telling me her experience, which was fine. As I knew, she really wasn’t in that much discomfort (it’s not a horrible procedure). But then came the talk of her going home. I suggested she stay the night because she’d be safer. We were having terrible flash floods like I’d never seen here in all my years and I figured it was better if she stay. She literally bit my head off, “I am not staying!” and let me go a few seconds later. Fine, get washed away and fucking drown… Needless to say, I didn’t pick up when she called me back several times later on…

She called again late that night, which I wish she wouldn’t do. She always calls late and then I can’t sleep well after… Anyway, I spoke to her and things were okay at first. Then the paranoia set in. “I have so much pain in my shoulders and chest, I just know they did something to me when I was under!” Uh-huh… I’ve had laparoscopic surgery 3 times so far. I told her it was due to the gas they blow you up with to see inside and just keep taking deep breaths and move her arms. And taking gas pills sometimes helps. Of course, she didn’t believe me and was thoroughly convinced they did something to her until another “friend” of hers told her the same. I suppose she still thinks I’m intellectually inferior to her. Trust me, it’s the other way around… Anyway, I got a “good morning” text from her the next day… at a few minutes past 6AM… Seriously?! I didn’t even acknowledge it. I’m sorry, I like my mornings. That’s my time to do what I want while the hood is still nice and quiet. She called me a few hours later, but I was eating breakfast. I made her wait another half hour after that…

I spoke with her for about an hour or so, during which she ignored what I was saying and asked me to repeat myself a million times (this is normal conversation with her, guys). When I had an incoming call I had to take, she told me to call her back after. Yeah… I never called back… She tried calling me twice yesterday afternoon in close proximity. I’m never sure why… She knows I usually take a nap in the afternoon, which is always when she calls. Besides, if I didn’t pick up the first time, you wait for me to call you back. It’s as if she has no concept of phone etiquette.

I actually never did call her back. I sent a text instead, explaining that my jaw was killing me so bad I could hardly talk . I actually wasn’t completely lying. My jaw was in immense pain, as were my teeth from grinding them during my nap. She was surprised it was that painful and asked what caused it. I was honest, I told her stress. I have TMJ which gets worse when I’m stressed. I clench my jaw muscle without realizing, grind my teeth… Eventually it becomes painful to talk or chew and I need muscle relaxers. Mind you, I was fine until I spoke to her in the morning…

So before I broke my jaw or some teeth, I decided to vent to a friend…

Here’s the thing… I can only avoid so many of her thousand calls in a day. Literally, she’ll call me an hour after we hang up. What’s up with that shit?! Anyway, I can only use the excuses, “I was napping”, “I was in the bathroom”, “I was eating (insert name of meal here)” before it starts to sound like I have major medical issues. Worse, I’ve been trying to hide from her. Literally…

The one bad thing about having online capabilities on a Nintendo Switch is that all your friends can see when you’re online, unless you unfriend them. So the escape I once took pleasure in, playing Animal Crossing, is no longer pleasurable because I never know if she’s going to be lurking about, checking to see when I’m online so she knows I’m not busy and can talk to her for hours on end.

The thing is… I am busy, in a way… Just because I don’t have a job I go to every day like most people doesn’t mean I don’t work. I guess she’s like a lot of other people and doesn’t consider drawing or writing to be a “job” and thinks phone calls won’t distract me and piss me off. Getting lost in my world of creativity is essential for my sanity. Without that, I’m fucked… I’ll go into a major art slump and feel miserable because of it, like I do now.

I can’t even do the one thing I enjoy that seems to relax me a bit, which is playing Animal Crossing. She must check to see if I’m on, then she calls me to ask how to do whatever thing is is that she wants to do… Do you realize how many times I had to explain how to do certain things and use certain features in that game?! Mind you, they make it really clear and easy! Yet she wants me to come visit and help her with part of it right now, a.k.a, I want you to make my island nice like yours because I don’t want to put the effort in… Hey, I had to figure this shit out on my own. You figure it out on your own…

However… I do have a secret so I can avoid her and still enjoy my game.

Last week, I got a Nintendo Switch Lite (only slightly cheaper than a regular Switch) and another copy of Animal Crossing. You can only have one island per game system, so I got another in order to have a Southern Hemisphere island. I know, that sounds stupid and wasteful to do that just to get items from the opposite season, right? Possibly… But there is one huge advantage… I don’t have online capabilities (I’m not paying $20 for the year o this Switch). I can travel there from my first island using local play, which doesn’t require online capabilities and my “clone” character can visit my first island as well. But I’ve kept it quiet… I post no pictures of my currently bare island with all the lovely snow because I’m keeping it a secret from Morticia. I hear her whine enough… If I catch something in the game (a fish or bug) that she didn’t catch yet, she whines, “Well ,why haven’t I caught one…?” Maybe because you don’t have well over 1000 hours invested in your island? Or simply because you haven’t found one yet…

She’s going to be out of work at least 6 weeks… which means 6 weeks of this bullshit every day… I can’t keep hiding from her. I need to live my life, little of one as I have (but I’m happy with that). Already she’s like a parasite, sucking all of the joy out of my existence. It’s so bad, I currently feel as if I’m going to puke, I’m so nauseous… I think I’m going to put in a call to my therapist and perhaps make a trip to my favorite hippie-dippy store today. I need some serenity and I need it yesterday. I need some sort of guidance…