So I did something wonderful for myself yesterday. I went to my favorite hippie-dippy store (new age shop, same thing).

Admittedly, it’s in a fairly shitty area of a nearby city (what the rest of you would probably consider a large town) here in bumble-fuck. What’s odd is that, for someone who’s afraid of their own shadow (me) seems perfectly at ease walking around in downtown shit hole. I’m not sure why since everyone else I know is totally ill at ease with the area. Kind of funny…

Anyway… I parked up the street as there’s no parking out front and walked down to my favorite store. They had to front door open and fans running to try to beat the heat (it was an epic fail). The buildings in this area are so fucking old, I doubt the wiring could handle air conditioning even if you had the means to install some. Still, as soon as I walked in, I took a deep breath and smiled. Even in downtown shit hole with all the traffic, noise and people, you just feel completely at ease as soon as you walk in the door. It’s such a lovely feeling!

Admittedly, aside from going there to have some serenity for a short time, I actually went there to buy incense cones, which I’m finding I like much better than sticks. I picked up a box and a few other little things I liked, such as a mushroom necklace, a stone spirit animal, a chakra flag…

Then there was this…

I saw this beauty when I first went into the store over 6 months ago. I fell in love with it right away, but it was a bit pricey because it’s silver and amber. Yes, fossilized tree sap is pricey… Anyway, all the times I’d gone into the store, there it was, hanging there so carefree. But I just didn’t know if I wanted to spend money on something so frivolous, even if it’s one of a kind. So, after such a long time of not being able to go there (thanks COVID-19), I was surprised to see that it was still there! It was like a sign, like it had been waiting because it was meant for me or something. So I bought it! It’s so beautiful… I regret nothing!

Before you ask… yes, I’m a bit of a gypsy. I wear entirely too much jewelry of all kinds. But I don’t care…

Moving on…

I found this book on the self and the title was intriguing for some reason. So I pulled it from the shelf and found it to be incredibly amazing! Not only does it have lined and blank pages, the pages contain inspirational quotes, some from some very famous people. On top of that, it also contains some of the most beautiful color pages with these amazing prints on them! For someone like me, who has been in an art and writing slump and feels absolutely no creative flow whatsoever (and haven’t for probably years, now) I thought that this book might help give me the kick in the ass I need to get the creative juices flowing again. I’m not going to lie; I never had a slump this bad. And it scares me… What if my creative juices have dried up permanently?! That’s always been a huge fear of mine…

I finally got to meet the owner of the shop yesterday. Every time I’d gone in prior to that, it was a young guy working who looked as if he was perpetually stoned. Nice guy, just seemed twice baked on a regular basis… Anyway, I really liked her. And she’s a very wise and insightful woman.

We were chatting about things and I happened to mention the issues I’m having with Morticia and her calling me at least a half dozen times a day, every day. She asked if she could give me some advice and I said sure. She said, “You don’t always have to answer.” It was such a simple solution… and it’s one I’ve been using for a while. But it doesn’t always help. She’ll just keep blowing up my phone with calls and texts asking, “Hey, are you okay?” Yes, I’m okay! I just don’t want to talk to you all of my waking hours! It’s a nice idea, to just say fuck it and not answer, but it’s not practical. The phone still rings and I get annoyed when I see it’s her. I can’t put my phone on silent or I’ll miss other important calls. I don’t think there’s a good solution, here…

I was telling her how bad things were. Because of the constant calls, I can’t focus on anything, really. I can’t draw or paint, I can’t write… It’s as if everything I had has been sucked completely dry.

That was when this wise woman gave me a great insight. She told me that Morticia is feeding off my energy. That put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. There were some hard times with family and I felt as though everyone was feeding off my energy to make it through those tough times. That was fine. Difficult, but fine. During times when people are terminally ill, that’s when I really shine. I throw my energy out there on purpose to help those who are fighting a losing battle with theirs. Is it draining? Yes… but I keep on going. For 3 fucking years, I had to keep throwing my energy out there, trying to keep everyone else together, which kept me together. But everyone has a breaking point… Once everyone else feels better and can stand on their own, I fall all to pieces, the thing I should have done all along and didn’t.

Of course there’s a huge difference between sending your energy out to help those in need for a brief period and having a parasite that literally feeds of your energy and gives nothing in return, except maybe negativity.

This is what I’ve been facing with Morticia for over a year. Honestly, I just can’t bring myself to deal with it anymore. At what point do I say, “I’m done,” and tell her we can’t be friends if she’s going to continue on this way because she’s toxic to me…? Honestly, I think I reached that point some time ago, but I just can’t bring myself to say anything. Yes, she stresses me the fuck out to the point that I want to rip my hair out and run around the house screaming. Actually, I think she was the stress that made my heart go wonky on the first place. But… if I’m honest and tell her these things, it may create more stress in the situation. That’s why I’m so up in the air about everything. But I need to do something… Yesterday, when I ignored her calls, I literally began feeling sick to my stomach because I knew damn well that this was going to be a pattern for the next 6 weeks while she’s home. I just can’t…

I even called my old therapist yesterday because I’m desperate for help at this point.

I really wish I knew what to do… It’s not that I haven’t gotten good advice. I’ve gotten great advice. The issue, though, is that Morticia isn’t like normal people. She’s paranoid, thinks everyone is out to get her and takes everything as a personal attack against her. Then she’ll bash that person to anyone and everyone who will listen to her. I don’t need to deal with that shit, either.

I need to find some sort of peace with all of this. But the way things are going, I’m not sure I can. I can’t keep going to hippie-dippy stores to find things to help me keep my sanity and find serenity. That gets to be a very expensive habit. At least it seems to help to a point. I just need to find some balance within myself. These things take time and don’t happen overnight. I need to be patient…