This… pretty much says it all…

I took one of those weird quizzes on Facebook because I love Harley Quinn. She’s one of my favorite characters and Margot Robbie did a phenomenal job in the role. Anyway, this was the result of my quiz…

When I saw this, I thought, “How apropos!” No, really… I did… And, not surprisingly, my friends commented that they felt it was very befitting. Of course they did! Seriously, I don’t think I have one friend who doesn’t think I’m a complete lunatic, but in a good way. Which begs to wonder… exactly how much of me is really crazy and how much is me just accepting the observations of others? Did you ever wonder that…? Are you really crazy or are you just judging yourself by how others perceive you? Now I’ve probably got you thinking and you’re all wondering the same thing and getting quite the headache trying to figure this shit out. But don’t worry… You’re probably not basing your sanity solely on the observations of others. I mean, their opinions stem from your behavior, so you probably were a bit nutty to begin with, Just own that shit and run with it, you know…?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve discovered something… Someone really needs to make a pill like this because I really need one.

Hell, I think we all need this pill in light of the current state of the world, am I right?

This morning, while I was looking for some funny memes I saved on my phone to add to my entry, I was looking back at some of the pictures in my camera roll. There were a lot… Honestly, I don’t know how my phone hasn’t come up with the message, “Please… stop adding more photos and memes!” If Siri had a real mind of its own, it would ask me, believe me… Anyway… I probably shouldn’t have been going through any of my photos. I found them incredibly depressing… I think the most upsetting ones were from early March when I had gone to see a WWE event. Early March, when we could sit close together, no one had to wear masks, the world hadn’t shut down yet… When I look at those pictures and the ones in the months before, I get depressed. I miss the world being normal.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who feel that they don’t have to wear a mask because “I’m not afraid of COVID!” I do the mask thing and I do my damndest to keep 6 feet away from everyone if it’s possible… Okay, to be honest, I was social distancing before we were told to. I know they say everyone needs 3 feet of personal space, but I’ve always needed a lot more. I don’t like people, I don’t like people too close to me, so the social distancing suits me just fine.

The real issue is how depressing the world is to me now…

So, like an asshole, I’m going through these pictures from early March, February… Christmas time… It was stupid of me. Instead of being fond memories of happy times, they were my worst nightmare. Instead of thinking, “Oh, I remember that day! It was so much fun!” I’m thinking, “I remember that day… back when life was normal and things could be fun…” Yeah, it’s amazing how different your perspective can be depending on current circumstances, isn’t it?

And so I learned a very important lesson today… Don’t look back at pictures that were taken before they decided to lock everything the fuck down. It’s more of a bummer than I ever imagined it would be. And that’s sad… I really think I’ve lost all hope that the world will ever be normal again, which means my mental ill brain will fixate on those memories and be depressed by them instead of elated.

And speaking of depressing memories…

Before this pandemic started, I had borrowed some money from my sister. I ended up not needing it after all, but I kept forgetting to pay her back with all the bullshit I’ve had to deal with all this time. I’d remember I had to pay her, then BAM, something would come up and I’d forget. I remembered again yesterday and shot her a text, asking if she’d be home and I’ll stop in after my podiatrist appointment.

Now I wish I’d never suggested stopping in…

It’s been probably about 4 years since she sold our family home to move into a new house with her boyfriend. I’m not an idiot… The boyfriend is the reason behind it. The new house is closer to his job (further from my sister’s). Essentially, they moved because the lazy fuck doesn’t want to drive more than 5 minutes to his job. Literally… And, with him being a doctor and her a successful nurse practitioner and medical teacher, I suppose a grander house to reflect their success was in order. My sister has become a twat-waffle…

After my brother-in-law passed away unexpectedly, my sister seemed like her old self again. It was nice. We actually had a relationship, something we never had before. But, like it was before, she got involved in a relationship and was so wrapped up in her own little world that nothing else existed. And she gets wrapped up in her perceived greatness…

I’ve never been to this new house, not in the 4 years they’ve lived there… I never told her until this past Thanksgiving, when I declined her invite to dinner, that I felt resentment towards her for selling the house. What I didn’t tell her was that most of my resentment was focused on the boyfriend… She said she had known I felt this way, but I don’t think she understands to what extent. I was invited for Christmas as well, but I declined then as well. I figured if I was going to see this new house, I wasn’t going to do it on a holiday. Well, here we are… I’m going to have to see it today. I’m not ready for this and, to be honest, it’s causing me more anxiety than I can handle right now.

And, admittedly, I’m afraid I’m going to do what I do best… make a bad situation even worse…

So here’s the thing… I was born without a filter. If it was in my brain, it came directly out my mouth. Granted, I had it under control for many miserable years. I was so unhappy… Then I realized I was much happier telling people exactly what the fuck I think and I began allowing the filter to malfunction more often than not.

Unlike how my sister’s boyfriend treats my mother an her boyfriend (as if they’re of low intelligence, which my mother is not), he’s never treated me that way. I think he knows better… I know my sister has warned him about me, my temper, lack of a filter, the fact that I’m mentally ill… But he’s a rather timid man who will get his jabs in in very subtle ways. But not with me… I admit, I have this razor sharp tongue and a quick wit. I can also insult people in a mildly subtle way and say things so horrible I can make them cry while wearing a smile.

Obviously I have reservations about going to her house…

I also don’t exactly want her showing me around, acting all high and mighty because she has all these status symbols to show how wonderful and successful they are. No offense, but if success and money turn you into that much of a fucking douche, I’ll stay poor and have little to my name. I’m happy with what little I have. Sure, there are things I’d like to have, expensive things… but I don’t want them for status. I want them because I like the way they look or what they do. If I can’t swing it because of the cost, so be it. I can live without whatever it is. And I’d rather live a beer lifestyle on my beer budget than try to live a champagne lifestyle on that same beer budget.

I’m not exactly sure what to do, now… I really don’t feel ready to see this house (which, my mother tells me, isn’t much to look at and is fairly ugly). But I really need to return the money I borrowed so that I can get at least one thing off my plate. I wonder if I can just do a drive-by and drop it off… Would that be rude…? The better question is, do I really give a fuck if it is rude…?! Maybe I’ll play it by ear. If seeing the outside upsets me, I’ll just drop it and run. Yeah, I know. I’m pathetic…

Ah, to be a sunflower…

I could use some energy right now, especially some positive energy.

Honestly, I’m just sick of people in general. I’m really growing to hate leaving my house, which is why I only leave it, for the most part, just to go to doctor’s appointments. And you’re lucky I’m willing to do that…

When did we become a world full of stupid people and assholes? People who question your life choices when they themselves lead less than desirable lives, people who have a mask they wear to show society a face other than their true one so they feel special and important, people who will argue that your opinion is wrong when it’s just your opinion and opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one… I’m just so fucking sick of everything and everyone. It’s affecting my mental state in a bad way and squelching my creativity. That’s why I’ve been isolating myself. I haven’t been taking calls, I don’t respond to texts often if at all, and I’ve been telling people off. I’m tired of playing nice. The gloves are off, man…