Anyone remember that once scene in Stephen King’s Pet Sematary? Rachel Creed is trying desperately to make it home because she knows something is not right at her house and with her husband. As she’s speeding towards home in a beat up Aries K rental car, she blows a tire and runs off the road. She gets out of the car, despondent, as the spirit of Victor Pascow tells her (unheard of course), “It’s trying to stop you! Do you hear me? It’s trying to stop you!” He was, of course, referring to the tainted Micmac burial grounds that her husband Louis seems to frequent more than he should. The evil that resided there was trying to stop her from reaching home and bitch slapping some sense into her grief addled husband so he’d wake up and see why it was a bad idea to bury their son Gage, who was turned into street pizza by an Orinco semi, in a burial ground that would bring his body back to life, but certainly not his soul. “Sometimes, dead is better…”

Just the other day, I learned that the Corel corporation is much like the Micmac Indians… Things have gone sour and now they’re trying to stop me…

For the first time in years (I wish I could say that was an exaggeration), I actually felt like drawing! I was so excited! So I get my Wacom tablet and open Corel Painter 2020, ready to rock and roll… only to find out that it’s not working. At first I thought it was my tablet. Often after a Mac update, I have to install new tablet drivers, some of which don’t fix the issue easily and I have to call Wacom to speak to which ever person speaks the worst English (they all sound French Canadian). He was very helpful in trying to get my program to work with my tablet to no avail. It worked with other drawing programs (that I dislike), but not with Corel Painter 2020. I was going to have to call Corel. Joy… I had already called Apple because my iTunes got fucked up again in the last update, I called Wacom, now I had to make yet another call to Corel. I’m sure you understand my frustration at this point…

So I call Corel… I get this brief, electronic message before it rings and is immediately answered by a guy who sounds annoyed that, god forbid, I’m expecting him to do his fucking job. Because it’s so hard to talk on the phone… Anyway, I politely tell him who I am and why I’m calling, Corel Painter 2020 isn’t working with my Wacom tablet. Suddenly, the call drops. And I know it’s not me as I was on the phone fixing shit all morning and didn’t have one issue. Okay, lazy fucker… So I call back again. Listened to the electronic message, phone rings once, gets picked up and I’m greeted with silence… The time is still running on the call, but I hear nothing. So I try saying hello a few times. Nothing… Does no one want to work at Corel? Should I have been in my normal bitch mode? Would someone have helped me then?! Who knows… So I decided to do a chat with one of the employees, oddly named Merlin. Every time he would start typing and abruptly stop, I would make comment, “You stopped typing, Merlin… What, did you need to go help Arthur pull the sword out of the stone or something…?” I was seriously irritated, especially when he asked what he could help me with, I told him and he asked me again. Read your fucking conversation, asshole!

The end result was this: Painter 2020 doesn’t work on Mac OS higher than 10, but 2021 works with 11 and higher. My response was, “So you’re telling me I have to spend $148 if I want to draw…” He responded by telling me he could ask his superiors if he could get me a discount (on that sale price) and would let me know. Well… it’s been several days and no word from Merlin, unsurprisingly. So I finally have the urge to draw after years of not really being inspired and Corel is acting like the Micmac burial grounds and trying to stop me from doing so. What the fuck is up with that?! Are you really that money hungry?! I’ve been a loyal customer for years, buying the newest version about every 2 years and this is the shit I get?! Well, thanks for nothing, assholes! That’s just bad business and complete bullshit! I’m livid!

Calm down, Jackie… Find your center… Squelch those overwhelming urges to go to Corel, find the idiot who decided this was a good idea (and the guy who hung up on you) and kick the living fuck out of them… Namaste…

So yeah… that’s how life has been lately. I’ve been feeling like my old self, which is the person who flips shit on anyone and everyone who is trying to fuck me over in some way. I swear to god I’m going to fucking stroke out the way this has been going. That’s what it feels like, anyway. Ever see that scene in Scanners where the guy’s head blows up…? That’s pretty much how I’ve been feeling lately, like my fucking head is going to explode. It’s times like these that you just have to ask, “Why me?!” And a response of “Why not you?” just isn’t good enough. I’ll tell you why not me… Because I’m the one who is perpetually getting shit on, that’s why not me…

I suppose I’ll just have to stick with Animal Crossing as my main creative outlet until I finally decide to suck it the fuck up and buy the upgrade. I’m not happy about it at all, for reasons I’m hoping are obvious to everyone.

The only thing I like forced is perspective, like this screenshot from my game, here… I don’t like being forced into buying something if I want to continue drawing on my computer. What the fuck is that shit…? If I buy a program, it had damn well better last me forever and ever a-fucking-men! I don’t shell out hundreds of dollars to end up getting fucked up the ass like I’ve been.

Perhaps it’s time I wrote a very nasty email to Corel… In times like these, I’ve often found the squeaky wheel does, indeed, get the grease…