So I’ve been struggling with this identity crisis for some months now, being terrified because I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. This morning, I think I finally figured it out…

I’m Kim Carnes!

Hahahaa… I’m kidding. Well, sort of…

Yesterday I had a lot to do and spent my day running here, there, every fucking where. And when I walked out to my car, I immediately knew this was not going to end well… My car was still red, but the roof was this sickly yellow-green color. Literally, the pollen was so thick on top of my car that you couldn’t tell it was red if that was the only part you looked at. That’s an aggressive amount of pollen! I swear I used the entire reservoir of windshield wiper fluid trying to get the damn thing clean and, when I finally had, it looked like someone pissed down the sides of it because of the now watered down pollen. I knew this wasn’t going to bode well…

And I was right… After being out all day and being exposed to a metric shit ton of pollen, I woke up this morning and found my voice was all raspy and squeaky. This was more evident when I tried to sing this morning, as I sometimes do to relieve some anxiety. Oh, it was bad… Then I thought, “Let’s try something…” I started singing that song “Bette Davis Eyes” and I sounded just like the raspy Kim Carnes. This morning, that’s who I am, haha! But I’m not too worried… I took allergy pills and I’m drinking hot coffee. I should sound normal soon.

But back to the subject… I’ve really been struggling lately. I thought I had it all figured out and suddenly realized I didn’t know shit about who I was anymore. And the longer this drug on, the worse I felt.

Then I ended up having a chat with someone a bit younger than me who told me I would always be who I was, that I would always be (insert horrible given name here). It must be nice to be young and never having experienced an identity crisis… I’ve been having the off and on forever, but this one is by far the worst. It’s difficult to explain to those who have never experienced one exactly how terrifying that can be. We all feel comfortable with ourselves when we know who we are. Take that away, and we tend to freak the hell out. It’s something you just can’t out into words, really… And it’s a bit naive of this person to think that we just stay the same people year after year, though I can’t judge them harshly for it. That’s what a lot of young people think. But wait… it could be coming for you… And, when it does, you’ll feel just as lost and alone. You’ll be screaming, but no one will hear you because they just don’t fucking get it. Isn’t that a fun thought for today…?

I was so upset and down on myself after my last entry that I did something rather drastic…

As I mentioned last time, I worked so hard on a drawing of a character from a story I’m writing. I put so much love and care into him (because I had that particular affection for him) and I think it’s the best work I ever did. And then only 3 people liked it, one of which was not my “encouraging” friend, Greta. I really began to see that I really didn’t have many friends and that some of the ones I thought were good friends I could turn to really weren’t. I was livid! And hurt… So I did something drastic…

I went onto my Facepuke page and literally deleted 90% of my stuff. I wish I could say I was kidding… I removed entire albums, starting with the one that contained my artwork. I deleted a few others as well because I saw no point in going through the slow process of weeding out the pictures I didn’t want or because they were of no real value anyway. I even deleted pictures of myself and any stupid quiz I took that had my self portraits in them. It was like I literally erased myself. Then I made a post that I was looking to sell all my art supplies, message me if interested. My one friend did message me to ask if I was okay. I told her not really, no, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it, I needed to get shit in my head straight first. She said exactly the right thing. She told me she would be there when I was ready. I also got a text from Greta’s husband asking why and telling me I was so good… Really, fucker? I guess that’s why you don’t ever like the drawings I put up, either! Thanks for making it worse. Morticia called twice, but I didn’t answer… I just didn’t want to get into a discussion that would lead to my being brow-beaten. I don’t need that shit.

So yesterday, I’m driving down to an appointment, listening to the tunes from my phone that I had hooked up to the stereo and that old song “Jackie Blue” happened to come on. I think it was the universe trying to tell me something…

Any of you who have been following me a while may recall the story of the guy who was interested in me and, when he found out it wasn’t requited, he literally yelled at me, “You know what? You are ‘Jackie Blue’!” I wasn’t insulted… I knew, even back then, that I was like this fictitious girl. But, over the years, I had thought little of it because I thought I wasn’t like that girl anymore. But, when it poured out of my car speakers, I realized… I have been and always will be Jackie Blue. The stupid thing is, I’m not exaggerating. Everything they say about that girl in the song speaks volumes when it comes to my personality and it always has. So I guess I’ve always known who I was. I just lose sight of her from time to time.. All I know is that, after hearing that song yesterday, it was like I had an epiphany and saw things so much clearer. For the moment, anyway… I hope it stays that way.

Off topic (sort of), I had made a Starbucks run yesterday to get another one of their strawberry funnel cake Frappucinos. If you haven’t had one, go get one, like yesterday! It’s like heaven!

Anyway… While I was in Starbucks, I heard this familiar song come on the radio there. I immediately recognized it and also recognized it was a remake. I hate remakes 99% of the time and this one made the top of the “this song SUCKS” list. The song was a remake of “Strawberry Letter 23” by The Brother’s Johnson. It was awful! And, with me being so loud and opinionated when it comes to music, I couldn’t help but say aloud, “Oh my god, this is the worst version of ‘Strawberry Letter 23 I’ve ever heard!” Seriously, it was… It was like this frou-frou pop shit! Where was the early 1970s funk sound that made that song…?! Nowhere! And, of course, I got this weird look from the 20-somethings that were also there waiting for coffee. Hey, unless you’ve actually heard the original, keep your dirty looks to yourselves and go listen to real music. Bunch of assholes…

In any case… To help with my identity crisis, I’ve been working on a few home improvements, even if they’re just band-aids, to help lift my spirits the past few weeks.

Like this, for instance… I literally have the worst deck in probably the entire neighborhood. Because I have a creek in the backyard, the deck is perpetually getting coated in a slimy green moss and the wood is starting to rot. I’m sure it doesn’t help that it’s probably the original deck they put on when the house was built in 1983… Unfortunately, I don’t have the means to rebuild it at the moment. Right now, the price of lumber is sky high. I’d be better off going out and chopping down trees and processing them myself. So I did the next best thing. I bought a deck rug (and incorporated some help to lay it down) to help hide the ugly and the rot. I also bought new tiles to replace the broken ones in the table top. I bought hanging flower baskets and the little toad succulent planter on the tablet help liven things up a bit. I also cleaned the table and chairs as best I could without a power washer or at least a hose… I think it looks fairly nice. And, with the lights I strung up last year, I have a really nice place to spend warm evenings. It made me feel rather accomplished. Yesterday, I decided to try and organize my dining room as best I could. It looks so much better and made me feel a little better than I’ve been feeling. It’s amazing what shit like that can do for your outlook.

But, for today, I’m just going to flop my ass in front of the TV and watch Dr. fucking Phil all day… I feel miserable after being out yesterday.

They say pollen counts are at an all time high. I’d believe it! From being stuck in our homes in lockdown for so long, the Earth has had time to heal somewhat. And, while I’m glad for that, I’m not thrilled about there being a metric shit ton of pollens all over the fucking place. And I’m allergic to every one of them. So between running all over the place and the pollens yesterday, I’m feeling washed out and miserable. Today needs to be a vegetable day, I think…

On the bright side, after this weekend, I should be able to go most places mask free! Yay! As of yesterday, I’m officially fully vaccinated (it was two weeks since my second shot)! Granted, I’m sill not exactly sure that I trust the vaccine and I have no idea what long term effects it may have on me (fingers crossed it won’t have any), but the ability to walk around and go places without a mask sounds so amazing!

I’m done with the mask shit, honestly… Ever since we had to start wearing them, my asthma has been worse and so have my poor sinuses. They don’t filter out shit anyway, especially pollens. So they get trapped in the mask and I’m breathing them in all the time. No wonder a lot of us are feeling like ass lately! But have faith, dear readers… I think our mask wearing days may soon come to an end! Woo-hoo!