Please excuse the old, awful piece of my art I chose for today. It’s actually a cover I did for a short story I wrote. Trust me, how she’s feeling fits the theme. Bear with me a moment…

Anyway… A few days ago, I completely lost my shit. AGAIN…?! Yes, again… I’m beginning to see this as a pattern right now. In any case, I just flipped out and deleted some of my social media. My Instagram accounts are gone (I think, I’m not sure as it was a difficult process), one of my deviant art accounts is gone and the other I announced I would be deleting. I also announced I was deleting my Facepuke account.

Funny thing, that… When I deleted all my pictures and posted that I wanted to sell all my art supplies, I got a total of 4 replies, mainly asking why. One person was so beside herself and told me to PM her. But I didn’t go back on Facepuke for well over a week. You’d think that since she didn’t hear from me, she would have PM’d me, but she didn’t. So I guess she wasn’t that concerned, huh? That was when I literally said, “Fuck this shit.” I posted the announcement that I was deleting my Facepuke. That was when several others came out of the woodwork (still nothing from that “concerned” person), all of them telling me they hoped I was okay, sending healing vibes and such. One actually PM’d me to say she was sending positive, healing vibes. I wish that was enough…

Ugh, more of my very old art… This one was inspired by the song and video for “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday. I love when she finally loses her shit and starts yelling at the abusive dickhead to shut up…

This is just part of how I’ve been feeling lately. If I could just stand up in the middle of a huge theater packed with people and start yelling, “Shut up, Oh God can’t you keep it down?” At this point, I’m not sure I’d be yelling it at any people in particular…

I think I’d be yelling that at the voice inside my head…

Ah yes, those lovely intrusive thoughts… The ones that tell me I’m not good enough, not as an artist or a person. The ones that tell me I’m worthless, have no friends and no one would miss me if I was gone. Those are nothing new, really… What is new is the voice that keeps reminding me that I’ve reached that age where I feel there’s more of my life behind me than in front of me. That’s a scary thought… And it’s not one you want invading your brain, let me tell you. So if I could yell at my thoughts to shut up and freak out like she did in the video, I would.

Of course that could lead to me having a nice, long stay in a padded room. So I just silently yell and freak out on my brain. How’s that working for me…? Not too good…

When I was a young, one of my favorite bands (for some reason) was Missing Persons. Not that many or any of you know who the fuck they were. I wouldn’t say they were really popular and you’ve probably never heard of them unless you lived through the 80s: bad hair, ugly clothes, fuck tons of Aquanet and all…

I happened to see the video of my favorite of their songs while on YouTube, “Destination Unknown“. I loved this song so much. I think it was because I found it so relatable then. So I listened to it and I realized something… I still find it relatable to this day!

The thing is, they were right… Life is so strange. Anything can change and then you have no idea where the fuck you’re going to. I’d say that, perhaps, Dale Bozzio was in the midst of some identity crisis at the time. But, chances are, she was just weird… The woman once wore an outfit made from clear vinyl and tubing for a fishing tank… I know it was the 80s and women were coming into their own, but that’s just a weird idea of how to dress (hence why one video is kind of blurry except close ups). But despite her weird hair and piss poor choices in clothing, the song was great and a reminder to everyone that we’re not alone in losing our way from time to time and that it’s scary.

A few nights ago, when I was having one of my weepy moments, I decided to go shopping to pick myself up again. That’s when I happened to see this book…

The title was pretty intriguing. 1000 Things You Don’t Know About Me... I flipped through some pages and thought it sounded good, so I bought it. I don’t know why… I suppose I felt compelled to.

When I got it home, I began going through and following the writing prompts (they begin a sentence and you finish it). Now I think it should be titled 1000 Things I Didn’t Know About Myself… Seriously, some of these questions are kind of difficult for me to answer and I really have to put some thought into it. “My biggest weakness is…”, “The best way to get me to open up is…”, “My personality has been favorably compared to…” (it hasn’t been). The one I had most difficulty with so far was, “One of my biggest influences has been…” I don’t fucking know! What kind of question is that?! So I did some thinking and realized that my late uncle was. He died when I was only 3, so I only have one clear memory of him (which isn’t all too clear). My mom has always told me stories about him, things he did, what he was like, what a good artist he was… And she always told me she wished he was still here because she thought he would have understood me. She was forever telling me he liked me best because I “marched to your own drummer”. So, when I thought about it, I realized he was a huge influence. That’s why I’ve always made sure to remain an individual, because that seemed important to him. It was important to me, too. And I think he’s the reason why.

This book is really helping me put things into perspective…

I’ve been having a moment because I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. And you want to know something? I don’t think I do anymore… Then, all of a sudden, I go shopping for a few things and happened to go down the aisle this book happened to be in and it just happened to catch my eye. The universe knew I needed it, I guess.

Since I’ve been having to finish these sentences, filling in the blanks for want of a better term, about my life and things people don’t know about me, I’ve been having to do some soul searching and learning things about myself in the process. It seems to be settling me down, to a point… I’m having to really examine me, who I am, and my life. Am I learning things about who I am? You bet! So I guess it was worth the $8 I paid for it, huh…?

And then there was yesterday…

I had been out and came home to find that something of a racial war was taking place in the hood I live in… I knew assholes lived here, but this guy takes the cake.

So this one asshole, who the cops said is an issue in the neighborhood, decided to go off his meds, get drunk and cut an American flag my neighbor’s son had on the back of his truck in half and burned it in the street. Vandalism for sure, but it didn’t stop there. He started harassing my neighbor’s son, then began harassing her, telling her to call her husband outside (he wasn’t home, he was at work). Well, the asshole kept harassing them, so she called the cops (and he just kept harassing until the cops arrived). He was even harassing a neighbor who came to help mine! Well, the cops came and did whatever they did and left. Then my neighbor’s husband showed up… Good thing I was outside yet. It took her, her son and me to try and keep him from going down and beating the fuck out of this asshole. I especially took offense to the fact that the asshole called us all racist. I have no idea where that came from as we all have friends and neighbors we talk to in the hood that are Hispanic as well as black. He accused us of burning crosses on lawns… What the actual fuck, dude?! I hate to tell him, but he doesn’t know me and, if he did, he’d know I’m friends with my black neighbors (one of whom shares weed on occasion because he’s just cool that way) as well people of all races in this hood and elsewhere. Assholes come in all colors… That’s just how I see it. I don’t care what color you are. If you’re an asshole to me, you’re an asshole, plain and simple. Color has nothing to do with it.

I had to leave after the drama died down to go for yet another root canal (this was the second in just a few week’s time). I grow tired of root canals… I think this was my 7th or 8th? I don’t know. I’ve always had very soft enamel, so I was more prone to cavities and, unfortunately, root canals. I also have very long roots (so far the top two were 28mm!) so I need to go to a specialist to get them done and they can sometimes cause discomfort.

But I salvaged the day by the end, anyway… My friend’s neighbor had sold me a bunch of very old records. I went to pay him yesterday and he had even more to give me! And were there some gems in that box! Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, which is as old as I am, and it looks like they never played it! I also got a beautiful Chicago album (older than me, thank you very much) that was a mint condition, double album set. It came with a poster… that was still in it! I got so many great records that were mint condition! I literally sat on the floor and went through every record to see how they looked and I was beside myself with joy! How can you not love vinyl?

I also got a few other things he was selling that were right up my alley, mostly Star Wars stuff. So at least I had a good end to an otherwise dramatic and stressful day!