No, they’re not delicious or nutritious… or topped with berries and honey. Don’t get any bright ideas, zombies…

Way back in the day (I shudder when I think how far back), Mötley Crüe guitarist Mick Mars used that in as an opening in an article about himself. As soon as I read that one simple sentence, “My brains are oatmeal,” I knew it was a statement I was going to be using for a long time. Similarly, I also use a quote from Kelly Nickels, bass player from L.A. Guns: “You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t wipe your friends under the couch.” Yeah, I don’t know… My high school years, the years of hair bands, was a bit… weird.

But I didn’t gather you all here today (all, what, one or two of you?) to date myself by telling you how old I was when I was listening to these bands… I got a bit sidetracked as I’m apt to do. Then again, the purpose for my blog was to be random, which it kind of hasn’t been except for spots here and there within posts. That’s sad… I’ve really drifted from my original intent of this blog. Instead it seems to have become a log of how fucked up my life can be sometimes, how badly my brain turns against me with my depression and anxiety, and pretty much a timeline of my mental illness spiraling out of control. Whee! Isn’t that fun?! Listen, if you think reading about someone’s mental decline is fun, you need to get out more… Nah, I’m kidding… Actually, I poke fun at myself from time to time. If I didn’t laugh, I’d cry. And I guess it helps those of you who also suffer to feel like you’re not alone in this. I find that helpful to know myself.

But back to the point of my brains being oatmeal…

I was hoping that, when the big thing I was stressing was over, I would be able to get back to normal. I was hoping that my artistic block would magically be lifted and I would be creating like there was no tomorrow.

No such luck… It’s not for my lack of trying, mind you. I’d get this desire to draw, so I’d get myself set up and, in the end, I’d set myself up for failure. I’d get the desire to work on one of my stories, write a few sentences and it all went downhill afterward. Hell, I couldn’t even write a blog entry again. It’s like my brain is a computer that’s being denied access to the creativity center.

No… that’s not quite right… It’s more like, when I try to access my creative center, I get the 404: Not Found message. Yup, it seems my creativity has set up a firewall that I can’t seem to get around. And the more road blocks and denied access that I encounter, the more frustrated and depressed I feel. I’m finding that I’m calling myself stupid, worthless, untalented… You name it and I’ve referred to myself as such lately. I know it’s the depression talking, but it’s still not very fun. I’m sure a lot of you can relate… Perhaps I shouldn’t be weaning off my meds, but I find I’m less creative when I’m happy, so it’s kind of a double-edged sword, you know…? Or maybe I’m just making excuses.

Lately I’ve been looking back at some of my older drawings and thinking, “Jesus Christ, look at all the things that are wrong with this drawing! I can do better!” And then I try to do better and… Well, it just doesn’t turn out as planned. And I don’t have the ability to use some of the same programs I used to because Mac doesn’t support them and the new versions are so not what I’m looking for. And then there’s the price increase… Plus some of my programs aren’t supported by Mac at all (thanks, Paint Tool SAI) and I refuse to go back to using Windows.

But something has got to give, here…

I’ve been so depressed because I can’t create. Literally, creating is my life. If I can’t do that for whatever reason, I beat myself up and then I lose interest in all else. Like the other day, for example… I’ve been so uninspired that I haven’t been practicing my guitar because I know I’ll screw up too much in my current frame of mind. And I’ve been thinking of giving it up because I’m just finding no pleasure in it. Or anything else for that matter… So I spend my days playing my Animal Crossing game for a short time and the rest of my day I lay here like I’m one with the sofa watching Dr. fucking Phil or movies all damn day. And sometimes the movies are so relatable that they make me feel worse…

However, in the darkest of times, something usually comes along to lift my spirits a bit.

Last night I was looking for something to watch and saw Turner Classic Movies was showing Arsenic And Old Lace! That’s one of my favorite movies to watch when I need a good laugh, so I put it on.

For those unfamiliar, the movie follows the story of Mortimer Brewster, a critic who is against marriage but actually tied the knot on the day of these events. When he goes to tell his two aunts, the sweetest old spinster women you ever saw, he learns they’ve been killing lonely old gentlemen with no family with poisoned elderberry wine and burying them in the basement with the aid of a nephew who thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt digging the Panama Canal. They’re very casual about it, too. “Oh, a Methodist! Well isn’t that nice!” said so sweetly as if they weren’t discussing their latest victim. This causes Mortimer more than a little upset (you can imagine) and he starts acting a bit looney as he tries to cover up the crimes of his aunts. Add to this Mortimer’s criminally insane brother, Johnathan and his questionable companion Dr. Einstein (who also have a dead body to dispose of) and it turns into quite a dark, comedic piece of classic cinema. I just have to laugh at the aunts and their casual approach to murder. It’s a very comical film I highly recommend if you’re ever down and need a good laugh.

In any case, I feel like my art supplies will just be sitting around collecting dust until I start to feel like my old self again. If that ever happens…

I’ve actually been in a block for over 5 years! Oh, I come out with something now and again, but I’ve really been doing poorly all that time. Sometimes I worry that my creativity has completely dried up. Other times I still have a small glimmer of hope that I may get my shit together and start creating again. I suppose anything is possible…