Last week was rough… I spent about 3-4 days curled up in the fetal position pretty much all day because I was an asshole and decided to eat the concentrated evil that is pork gravy on some mashed potatoes. It sounded good at the time and tasted amazing. But if you’re one of the unlucky ones like me after getting your gall bladder removed, there are a million foods that have a mutual hate/hate relationship with your body. Like pork gravy… Dear god, the pain… Did I learn something? Yes, but only until the next time I decide, “Mmm, concentrated evil would taste really delicious on some mashed potatoes right about now! I really want that!” Just like the time I really wanted a McRib again and decided it was worth the suffering. Sometimes you have to do it. Life is too short to eat bland, low fat foods every waking moment. Sometimes you have to say “fuck it” and spend days curled up in a ball in the worst digestive pain you’ve ever felt just to feel like a normal human being.

But my stupidity in food choices was only a small portion of my problems (though it sounds like a rather big portion, doesn’t it). We all say we hate ourselves after doing something stupid like eating what we shouldn’t, drinking too much and waking up to find someone beating out “The Anvil Chorus” on our heads… Well, I’ve never personally experienced that. I always got the sour stomach the next day, never the headache… Or maybe you had a one nighter that seemed like a fantastic idea in the moment but the next morning you looked at the person lying next to you and though, “Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell was I thinking?!” Yes, guys, women have these regrets just as often as you do (surprise)! Hell, we make bad choices all the time. If we beat ourselves up over every single one of them, I don’t know that any of us would survive into old age. We may not even survive into middle age as a lot of our stupid mistakes are made when we’re young and dumb and don’t consider consequences because we don’t have that capacity yet.

What I’m talking about is an actual dislike, an almost hatred of myself, if you will, of who I’ve become over the years.

I’ve been becoming progressively more and more unhappy with my situation for a variety of reasons that are a bit too personal for me to get into… However, I will say that I’ve been growing progressively more and more unhappy over the course of at least the last five years. And it’s not just my depression acting up… It’s circumstances around me that are out of my control causing the depression to worsen. It’s not that I didn’t know that. There have been a lot of shitty things that have happened in the past five years (a lot of deaths of loved ones as well) which isn’t going to make you feel joyful.

What I didn’t realize until the latter part of the week, while I was on the phone with my mother crying to her, was exactly how unhappy I’d been and why. I honestly don’t like the person I’ve become…

I was a lot better than this once… I would take bubble baths every day and shower when I needed to wash my hair (which is rather infrequent because it’s very dry). I used to fix my hair every day and brush my teeth every day unless I was really sick (who cares about your hair and teeth if you’re puking or have bronchitis, right?), I got dressed every day and sometimes I would put on makeup even if I wasn’t going out anywhere. I always kept up with my dishes, my house was dusted and vacuumed once a week and it was never cluttered. Now… I don’t do any of those things. I stay in my pajamas all day. I only shower if I’ve been out. I rarely fix my hair or put on makeup even if I go out. I dress like a slob. My house is starting to look like a haunted house with all the dust. I don’t eat right, sleep right… I don’t take care of myself or my home and I just don’t seem to care, but I know I should and miss that I once did.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that all this is why my art has suffered so…

I drew this back in 2017 (yes, drew, by hand, non digital) with Copic liners, markers and washi tape for an artist friend of mine for her birthday. I believe this was the last really good creative thing I’ve done since…

I actually had an idea in my head for a drawing on Friday for a new self portrait, but it’s as if my hands just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. It’s more than a bit upsetting. I’ve been drawing since I was old enough to pick up a utensil and draw. I was drawing Dagwood Bumstead from the Sunday comics and Dino the dinosaur from an old comic book we had at four years old and they looked exact. At five I was drawing Garfield and Heathcliff and it just went from there. Art isn’t just a hobby or something I do, as I often downplay it to people. It’s life for me. Oh, I’ve gone through more than a few art blocks in my day. A lot of us have. Sometimes inspiration takes a holiday or just shorts out completely for a while. Shit happens. And you can’t just command it and say, “Get the fuck back to work, asshole!” But to have an art block that lasts over 5 years…?! That’s insanity and too much to ask anyone to handle well…

My mom came up Friday afternoon (as is the norm) and we had a nice long talk about things. Unfortunately, she had little advice to offer except to change the things I wasn’t happy with about myself and do it for myself. Well duh, I already knew that much…

In any case, I had mentioned wanted to go to the local zoo (which was once called a game preserve) the next day because the weather was supposed to be so beautiful, one of those rare, pleasant days in July where it’s warm but not hot and humid as fuck. And I do so love the zoo… But Money is more than tight right now. So, much as she knows how much I hate taking money from her (especially after all that’s happened between her and I over the years), I decided to give in when she handed me money and said, “Here, go to the zoo.” I think she knew I needed the outing to do something fun.

Now, I try to go to the zoo at least once every summer, but this year seemed to be the best. I happened to get there just in time to see the penguins getting fed! I like the penguins… They’re very cute! I love watching them waddle all over the place and swim around. I also learned a lot about them during their feeding session. I even got to see the lemur feeding session this year, which I’ve never seen before. I just love lemurs! They’re really cute and fascinating!

I think my absolute favorite are the otters, to be honest… I spend the most time watching them because they’re very relaxing to watch as they just swim around, doing the otter thing.

This guy was really awesome. He kept swimming back and forth in front of me quite a bit. At one point, he got one of the leaves that were in the water stuck on his head! I took so many pictures of this cute little guy, but this picture has got to be my favorite because it’s just so silly! It’s like he’s trying to hide under the leaf or something. The weird thing was, he didn’t even make an attempt to get it off for a long time! He just swam around like this as if he was showing off for everyone watching! What a little ham! Otters are really strange creatures… and they seem to like the attention and play to the crowd.

The only thing I find disappointing about the zoo now as opposed to when I was a kid is that they no longer have a petting zoo…

Well… I think they have an area where you can still pet the goats, but they’re in enclosures and you no longer roam freely among each other. And, sadly, you can no longer pet the llamas that once roamed freely in the petting area as they did when I was a kid. I find that truly upsetting. You can’t even get close enough to pet one over the fence anymore. I never forgot that encounter I had with a llama when I was only 7 years old which is why I love them so. Why can’t I still pet them?

Honestly, we’ve become a society of nutcases… I can remember going to the farm of family friends when I was a really little girl and the one guy would pick me up so I could reach the cows to pet them and I would pet the pigs… I didn’t wash my hands. There was no hand sanitizer… When did we start getting so paranoid?! Hell, I once went to a fair where you could pet cows and they had hand sanitizer right there and suggested you use it. For a cow…?! I grew up around these animals! I’m not worried about that! Go figure… I’m terrified of other germs, but not animal germs… Anyway, they have hand sanitizer all over the zoo. Kind of takes the fun out of it, to be honest…

But the nicest part of the day? Well… to be honest, it came when leaving the zoo. It’s a rather long drive (past enclosures for large animals like buffalo) and there is this beautiful lookout I like to stop at. As you can see, it’s a lovely view.

I had decided to take my mother’s advice and fixed myself up. I was planning on doing my makeup anyway, but my frizzy hair is a hit and miss in summer, but it was a nice day, so I thought it would be safe to fix it. I wore my favorite shirt, my snazzy sandals, even the cool butterfly clips I’d bought for my hair that I’d had yet to wear and had this picture taken. I thought I looked okay…

Imagine my surprise when one car passed by and this guy, who was probably ten years younger than me at least, hung out his window to hoot and holler at me. What?!? The car that passed right behind him had a guy who was maybe my age or a little older hang out the window and give me the rock and roll head banging hand sign… Um… WHAT?!? I was completely dumbfounded, but I couldn’t help but smirk.

Those two guys will never know exactly how much they did for a 48 year old fart who’s been feeling like a fat, ugly, disgusting old blob who has let herself go and has literally hated herself for so many reasons on so many levels. So not only did I enjoy being outside, hanging in nature, seeing all the animals (who all seemed to want to pose that day for some reason), having fun and enjoying myself, but I also got something I needed so much more than that. I got a confidence boost. No matter how small, it helps so much.

Now if I could only stop itching… I ended up getting a mild sunburn which turns into sun poison. If you’ve never had it, be glad! It’s like poison ivy, but you get it from sunburn and it itches like a fuck! I’m trying so hard not to scratch my shoulders and chest (where the burn is) but god damn… So fucking itchy!!!