“For long you live and high you fly, The smiles you give and tears you cry, And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be…”

How depressing!

Yeah, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon album doesn’t have the most cheerful lyrics, does it? “Speak To Me/Breathe” quite possibly has the worst… But, for some odd reason, this has been my go-to “chill the fuck out” album for decades. Probably because it’s very mellow sounding in general. Well… “Money” sounds more upbeat. But my personal favorite is “Us And Them“… I’ll put that song on repeat and just listen to it until I chill the fuck out and feel like a normal human being again. I’m not sure why. There’s just something about that discordant plunk, that odd key change that’s just there, just right there during the verses, that really chills my ass out. And so when I was feeling stressed, I would put the album on, headphones over my ears, lay down, close my eyes and just be… I haven’t done that in a very long time, but I’m happy to report that it still works.

I’ve been listening to this album for about a week now… I’ve been so fucking stressed out that I feel like I’m losing it. I’m either literally weeping uncontrollably or I’m blowing like Krakatoa over the smallest thing. It’s like there’s no in-between. I’ve also found that the filter between my brain and mouth hasn’t just malfunctioned; it’s literally gone missing. The other day I was saying horrible things about people in the grocery store and had no clue why and wouldn’t realize until minutes later…

I just need to remember to breathe… That’s not exactly easy to do right now…

My life has turned into the seventh circle of Hell, quite literally. On one hand I’ve got my sister who is really pissing my mother off, sitting there and silently judging her for making the stupid choice of not going to the hospital right away when she had the heart attack symptoms (“denial”; it’s more than just a river in Egypt) which my mother then takes those frustrations out on me. Then there’s the sponge boyfriend who was using me as his verbal punching bag in texts messages the day she went for her cardiac cath, telling me when I can come see my own mother. You’re not married; I don’t see a ring on her finger… She didn’t push you out her vajay-jay (though he acts like it sometimes). It just seems like everyone is making my life more and more difficult, then I’m the one being told by everyone to take it easy on the others. What the actual fuck?! So… no one needs to take it easy on Jackie, the one who is actually mentally ill, right?! Worse, I was so pissed at myself the other day… When my mother asked me to go grocery shopping for the sponge and cut up fruit that was already cut (the chunks were too big), wash a bag of cherries for him and do a load of wash because he’s apparently that fucking inept… I actually did the shit for the son-of-a-bitch! I’m still pissed at myself for that! However, I was condescending… I was writing step by step instructions as I was doing the laundry then tacked them to the front of the washer with magnets. Any fucking idiot could follow them, including him. He just needs to get off his fat lazy ass and do this shit!

You know you’re losing it when someone who cares about you sends you some happy flowers with a note telling you to feel better soon because you’re stressing so bad you’re making yourself physically sick…

And so it begins already… My sister shows no interest in helping out with my mom if it doesn’t relate to her showing off her medical expertise, so it’s all coming to rest on my shoulders. And I’m not just caring for her. Nope, I have to care for the sponge because she’s waited on him hand and foot so many years (since I was 12) and he’s just so used to it. Joy… And it’s not like I can say no. I know my mother… There have been other times she was supposed to not do things because of her health and she did them anyway because the sponge wouldn’t do them. So I had to babysit her ass and do these things myself. I’m sure it will be no different now. She’ll get home and he’ll expect her to jump right back into routine even though she at least needs a triple, possibly a quadruple, bypass.

And she’s getting as bad. Today I just wanted to chill. But I get a text asking if I’m coming down. She needs to bathe and may need help. Doesn’t the hospital have nurse’s aids for that?! I realize I was one once, but that was over 20 years ago! I can’t move like I used to… And they pay people to do this shit! So it’s like I’ll be working and not getting paid… And I’m just getting too old to do these things anymore. Especially by myself…

But… she’s my mother so you know I’ll do them anyway, regardless as to whether they benefit the sponge or not.

Although there have been some good aspects to this. I have been texting her about some of the things that upset me and she flat out said the hospital said the sponge has no say in any of her medical matters (which I’m sure pissed him off, but why did you need the hospital to tell you that?) and that my sister and I get to make all the decisions. You know I took a screen shot of that, right? Next time he tries to take over, I’m not saying a work, I’m just showing him that screenshot…

The downside to my pompous sister having a say in things (besides the fact that the sponge and I are in agreement that neither of us like it) is that it’s just suspicious. She doesn’t bother with my mother, could give a shit less, unless she needs something or wants to show off her medical knowledge. Now… I did speak to my mother about making a will, choosing a power of attorney, all that, which the hospital is helping with. My sister is going to be pissed… There were only a few things I said I didn’t want her to have, 2 of which my mother already gave me. Wait until she finds out my mother is leaving me everything, to dole out as I see fit. Considering that my sister took everything when my grandmother and great aunt passed and threw out the old pump organ my grandmother left me without asking me, literally threw it out for trash, she’s getting nothing! Spiteful? Yes… And I don’t really give a fuck. She deserves it…

Anyway…

So my mother goes in for open heart surgery on Wednesday, just a few days from now. And I’m freaking the fuck out…

I know, they do them all the time, the death rate is only 1-2%, chance of complications like bleeding or infection is 25%, but still… Think about this! They’re going to take veins from my mother’s legs, cut into her heart, which is, you know, kind of important to have, put in the leg veins and create Frankenheart… It’s no wonder so many surgeons suffer from megalomania! They really do think they’re gods because they play god every fucking day! I don’t care what the odds of things are and I don’t want to hear percentages. What I want is for the surgeon to not be a pompous douche canoe and not treat my mother like she’s a statistic. She’s my mother… Treat her like a person or I will punch you in the dick and make you cry like the little bitch you are…

See, this is how stressed I’ve been. Shit like that has literally been just flying out of my mouth at inappropriate times to the wrong people or in front of the wrong people or just in general… I called my shrink yesterday, hoping for a little extra meds to get me through this. He wants me to call a therapist. Are you shitting me?! I’ve been going to therapy since I was 17 and it hasn’t done a fucking thing yet for me! No wonder my mother keeps asking me how I’m feeling. She’s probably worried I’ll end up getting arrested…

“For long you live and high you fly, But only if you ride the tide, And balance on the biggest wave and race towards and early grave…”

I think Pink Floyd best describes what I’m feeling right now… And that’s it.

Stress… it’s a killer. Literally…