You know, for some reason I really hated my last self portrait and I don’t know why. There was just something off about it, I suppose… I had started a new one that I thought was looking promising (although the hair was making me go blind) but I got caught up on what the fuck I wanted to do with the sleeves exactly and what colors I wanted to use. Normally I would have never used blue because, aside from navy, I don’t wear blue because I hate that color. Still, it looks nice with orange (they’re opposites on the color wheel so they’re complimentary, so they say). I also went a little nuts with the jewelry and drew most of what I actually wear in greater detail. I think I really needed the art therapy after last week. So I put on my headphones, blasted out my eardrums and finished more than half of this in the span of two mornings. And when I say mornings, I mean I sat on my ass for at least 6 hours straight both days. I’m pleased with the results. I hope you are, too, dear readers!

I bought this on the day I finally cracked last week. Isn’t it pretty? Currently it’s hanging from the sway lamp in my dining room just to have it up. That may change… It was so pretty and really matched my decor (though I want to paint the walls) and it just called to me. It was pricey, but I deserved the pick me up.

So all weekend I was stressed, like to the point that all I did was literally work on my drawing and lay on the sofa like a lump and binge watch my Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman DVDs. Okay, I do that other times, too, but when I’m super stressed, I tend to binge watch. I’ve been a fan since I saw the Americanized Battle of the Planets when I was 6, so it’s a comfort thing. Plus the subtitles are so messed up sometimes they’re good for a giggle. It helped to a degree, but I was still so stressed that my heart would suddenly start racing. That was scary and so not good… I also spent the weekend with no appetite and hardly ate for three days and, when I did, I felt like I was going to puke. It was bad…

I texted my niece over the weekend (she went to my mother’s yesterday) and asked if she would be able to help at all this week. I’m run down, my allergies are so bad I felt like I was getting really sick and have an uninspected car that I don’t have time to get done. She said she might, so I called my mother last night to find out when she needed me this week and she told me she didn’t… I thought that odd since my niece is going to college and she works so I know she doesn’t have that much time. Turns out that wasn’t it. My mother said she’s doing well. She can shower and care for herself now and anything she can’t do can wait until the sponge comes back from the gym. He was actually helping her this weekend (shocking). My sister said she’d be fine and my mother wants me to stay out of all the allergens.

Which is a good thing… Aside from me not needing to expose myself to allergens right now and feeling more like shit than I already do, now I’ll have time to get my car inspected. I’ve been taking the back roads to my mothers to avoid cops and getting busted with no inspection which, unfortunately, is where all the fucking goldenrod grows, on deserted backroads. I can also make some doctor appointments I’ve been putting off, like going to the podiatrist to get those three toenails he removed taken off again because they grew back (good god..) Not that I want to go through that shit again, but they grew back worse and they were bad enough in the first place that I had them removed. And I need to see the dermatologist because I think it’s important to get moles checked regularly, you know?

But the best part of all is I get to curl up with this guy and sleep!

This is Uut-Uut… Weird name, I know. A friend told me this story about how their sibling couldn’t say “elephant” when they were little and called them “uut-uuts”, so that’s how he got his name. Anyway, I bought Uut at the hospital gift shop the day before my mother’s surgery to help with my anxiety. He’s really soft and squishy and just cute as all fuck. He helped me through a lot of anxious moments through all this giant shit show, let me tell you… It may seem childish at my advanced age, but whatever helps ease my anxiety is a good thing. And there’s still a lot… I was enjoying spending time with my mother, helping her. The sponge, however, was a huge trigger. Then all the nurses and PTs and all the things I had to recall was like information overload. And my mother made out the living will I’d asked her to. I know she needed it so it’s her wishes that are met. But her having it upset me and I ended up sitting on the floor crying that night when I got home.

Please excuse the horrible state of what little I’m letting you see of my house in this picture… I haven’t exactly felt like cleaning much since ragweed season started as I’m also allergic to dust (joy) and then when all this started with my mother, I just didn’t have the energy or desire for it…

Anyway… I’m wanting to fill my house will everything cheerful and happy, damn it!

Sunflowers were never something I was very fond of until recent years for some reason. Lilacs have always been my favorite flower since I was really little… They’re my favorite color (purple) and I just love the smell of them. Plus they’re so pretty! Daisies are my runner up flower. Not the yellow ones, the white Shasta daisies. They smell like ass, but they’re such a happy, cheerful looking flower, aren’t they?

In recent years, I’ve found that sunflowers are also very cheerful looking flowers. They just seem rather happy and carefree. Not as much as daisies, but close. And with fall coming, it’s not exactly easy to find daisies unless you go to a florist and even then you may be shit out of luck. And lilacs… My bush out in the backyard blooms only once, for a week or two, usually in the beginning of May and that’s it. That’s why I cut as many as I can while I can and fill my while house. It smells wonderful in here, but my sinuses disagree… Fuck my sinuses… Sometimes I just need cheerful, pretty things to brighten up the gloom. Last time it was Day Lilies. They seem to grow wild, here, so I can just stop on the side of the road and pick as many as I like. Sometimes I’ll even pick honeysuckle. There was some near our house when I was growing up and I loved having my window open at night and the sweet smell drifting in on the night air… So yes, flowers are a big pick me up.

During this whole shit show last week, I did take time to do something I’ve been desperate to do for a while… And since the place where I was going for my guitar lessons is literally two minutes down the road from my mother’s house, I decided to do it.

I finally got Constantine some new strings!

Look how pretty! Seriously, look! He’s all shined up, looking all beautiful like the day I first got him… You have no idea how satisfying that was to see him looking so perfect! I was actually afraid to touch him, hahahaa! I’m not kidding, I really was! I was afraid to touch him when I first got him, too. He was so pristine and expensive… But, over time and when I began taking lessons. I became more comfortable with him. Then they dolled him up and I got that feeling again of, “Oh my god, he’s too perfect to touch!” But after that first strum, I was in my glory. He sounded so lovely!

Which is a damn sight better than he had been sounding… I had the same strings on (cheap ass that I am) for about 9 months! The thickest string was starting to sound like I was twanging a rubber band, some of them refused to stay in tune even after I just finished tuning them (that was extremely annoying) and the others sounded as if they were made from a rusty tin can. So I gave in and got him restrung. Funny… I had my options of the higher quality ones or the less costly Martin strings. I looked at the guy in horror… Like I’d put Martin strings on a D’Angelico!

I actually worked for Martin Guitar years ago… It was neat helping make guitars, but boring work you didn’t need a brain for (which was good because we didn’t wear respirators and certain chemicals could cause brain damage, go figure). And there’s a funny tale with this… The one day I was visiting my mother in the hospital, a woman got in the elevator with me and she was carrying a Martin guitar. I made mention of it and she proudly said it was the only kind she’d have. She didn’t seem too proud anymore when I told her I had a D’Angelico, hahahaa! Turns out her husband works there, which is why she has a Martin. Employees get discounts… I could have bought one myself, but I didn’t actually care for them. I’m glad I waited. Now I have Constantine and I can be proud of him.

And so, dear readers… I guess it’s time to wrap things up.

“Do what makes your soul happy”… Yes, I think that’s good advice for me to follow today, advice I’m going to take. Although I’m not quite sure what it is I’m going to do or what will make my soul happy today. I’m one of those people who just like to wing it and make it up as I go along.

My drawing is done, so I don’t have that to occupy me… I did score two commissions for some minor things, but after working so hard on my last drawing, my poor eyeballs need a rest.

Maybe I’ll paint a landscape or work on one of the stories I’m writing. Maybe I’ll get a mask out in a desperate attempt to keep out the dust and clean my house today. Maybe I’ll play my piano or my guitar. Maybe I’ll lay here like a lump and binge watch more episodes of Gatchaman. Who knows what my day will bring? But you know what? It doesn’t matter… because my days are mine again and that makes me happy. No more sponge triggering me to the point where I feel like pushing his fat ass down the basement steps! I’m free!

And now maybe I can stop being this anxious, stressed out, crazy, whiny bitch I’ve been in my last few entries and go back to being Jackie Blue again. I was really missing the whole hippie-dippy vibe I had going, there. I need to get it back. And I will, dear readers. Just give me a little time and I promise I’ll be me again in no time!