Yesterday I was feeling very stressed and anxious about a lot of things, especially things that have been going badly lately. So I decided I was going to message my brother… Technically he’s not my brother or even my stepbrother as my mother never married the sponge, but we grew up together so we may as well be. Most of the time we didn’t get along, but now that we’re adults and he’s literally written off his father completely, we’re truly like brother and sister.

I told him what’s been happening lately… He was very sorry to hear what happened to my mother and when I told him how his father was behaving and treating both of us, his response was, “Mr. ___ is something else.” That’s when you know you have real disfunction. I at least call my father by his first name and I hate the asshat. But to use Mr.? That’s some disfunction… I don’t blame him; I saw how he was treated, watched him get beat up (literally) but was too young to do anything and had no clue what could be done.

Anyway, so I was just venting everything going on and he sent me this beautiful snippet of verse. Isn’t it beautiful? I feel lucky he’s my brother, not just because he also hates the sponge but because he’s there for me and knows how to pick me up.

And then there’s my bestie…

I know I’ve written about her before but I forget what name I used… Fuck it, let’s call her Laura. Anyway, she lives “across the pond” (and expression I’ve heard when talking about someone across the ocean) so she’s far away from me physically, but not in heart. I messaged her yesterday and asked if she had time for a call, so we talked for quite some time. She listened as I told her all the shit that went on, what’s still going on… She’d interject when there was the perfect opportunity to crack wise (like sponge getting fatter since going to the gym, “How the hell do you get fatter going to the gym?! It’s not supposed to work that way!”) and we’d laugh our asses off. I told her about my flipping out on the self checkout at CVS and it turns out she had a similar experience with a self checkout and buying a Red Bull. Apparently you need to be a certain age, which she’s definitely old enough, but the checkout didn’t think so. She got so pissed, she slammed the can down and it exploded, sending Red Bull flying everywhere as she was cursing at the machine! Turns out the employee that helped her approached her the same way the one approached me, like they were wondering if they should call the cops or the looney bin, hahahaa! We were both just having bad days those particular days, that’s all. We’re very much alike, Laura and I. And I don’t just mean because we flip out on self checkouts, hahahaa!

One thing Laura and I discussed yesterday was the fact that only one person every asked me how I was doing through all this. She had a similar issue when her mother fell ill and was dying. All anyone ever thinks to ask is how the ill person is, never how the family is holding up. But I remember I would always ask her, “How’s mom?” which she would tell me. My next question was, “How are you and dad doing?” which was usually followed by me advising them to go have a drink or a real dinner for once. They needed a break from the hospital setting.

I just think it’s odd… Friends that are supposed to be my best friends since I was 16, Anakin who’s been my friend since I was 6… none of them really asked much about how my mother was doing and didn’t ask about how I was holding up at all. My friend’s mother and my own mother were the only ones who asked how I was doing. Apparently mother’s worry about their kids no matter what’s going on with them, even though I told my mother to stop worrying about me. And the people who actually gave a shit enough to care were my brother (who asked me if I felt better at the end of our chat) and my friend Laura. I always feel better talking to them both. Especially Laura. We understand each other, make each other laugh and can always cheer each other up when we’re down or calm each other’s anxieties. My blood family won’t do that. So I know who my real family is.

But the shit show keeps on going…

Two days ago, I went to buy some mums at a small roadside flower place (I got a gorgeous one) and, since I was near my mother’s house, I asked if I could stop in after to borrow a sewing needle since I needed to fix one of Baxter’s favorite toys and I keep losing my needles… Anyway, a few yards before the turn off for her road, I suddenly became very dizzy, which freaked me out because, you know, I was driving. I did make it to her house, but I was still feeling off, so I came home and got something to eat. It didn’t feel like my normal “you skipped a meal and your blood sugar is low, idiot” type of dizziness, but I ate anyway. It didn’t help and I got worse. Plus I’d had two different episodes where I was woken from a nap because my heart was racing and the last time it was so fast I swear I was tachycardic. So I called my GP and got right in because she wanted to check my blood pressure. I asked her to check it lying down and sitting up. This had happened once before where I ran backward and it was higher when I was laying down and dropped when I was up and about. Well, the same shit happened. It was low to begin with, but it got lower when I sat up (slowly) and my heart rate was high and all over the place. So she did and EKG ad said there was a change from last time, something about a slight decrease in blood flow. She wanted me to follow up with my cardiologist (considering what just happened to my mother) and go for fasting blood work, which I’m doing Saturday. I’m sorry, I get up at 4:30 during the week and I can’t wait until 7. I get up later Saturday, so it’s easier to fast and wait when I get up later… I had them make the appointment because she wanted me in soon and I know those places. Had I called, it wouldn’t have been a week or two. It would have been months until I could get in. If my GP thought it was so important, I figured they better make the appointment. Personally, I didn’t think it was that imperative, but she did, so…

I saw the cardiologist yesterday who seemed highly annoyed with me, like I was wasting his time with anxiety attacks or something because I couldn’t tell him if the racing heart came on slow or quick. All I know is it woke me up from a dead sleep twice. And he was a little snippy when I kind of groaned at what his solutions were. “I’m just giving you the options, young lady…” Yeah, see, that’s just it, doc… I’m not that old! I shouldn’t have this much bullshit yet! However, going through early menopause could be a major contributing factor… In a few weeks it’ll be 15 years since my last visit from Aunt Flo. It’s like I’m young in my mind, my age (sort of) and spirit, but body wise I’m like a much older woman from that shit. I’m angry about that and don’t know who to be angry with. My sister has had no real issues, her life has been great. I’ve gotten dealt all the shit cards… Worse, I read in his notes that he made reference to my being bipolar and having anxiety and he’s unsure as to whether or not that may be the issue, here. Nice, doc, thanks… Now I sound like a hypochondriac, you asshole…

So the plan is, I have to wear an extended holter monitor (I guess like the one I wore last time) for 2-3 weeks! I hope they figure out a way for me to shower because I couldn’t shower with the 24 hour one… If that doesn’t work, then they’ll put something under my skin to monitor my heart. That’s why I was not thrilled with the options. He didn’t need to be a dick about it… But he actually was. What fucking ever.

After I was done there, I had to go get another bottle of shampoo. As I was walking into the store, I saw this guy with the waist of his pants literally hanging right under his ass, which gave me and the woman going in the store at the same time the chance to poke fun at his dumb ass. I needed that giggle so badly… Anyway, I bought this candle I spotted while I was in there. Not that I need more candles, god knows I don’t, but I found the saying cheerful, so I bought it anyway.

Surprisingly, my sister texted me last night to see how things went at the cardiologist’s office. I’m glad she gave a shit, sort of… I think she’s just worried that if I have an issue, maybe she should get checked as well. She should, she’s 53… But I hate texting her about shit like this. I’ll give her all the info I have, I even took screen shots of the notes in my online chart to show her, took a picture of my after visit summary so she’d know the plan and what my vitals were and all that. And then she won’t text back, like it’s not necessary. She got what she wanted, no need to tell me something I need to hear, right? Ugh… So I had to text her and ask her what all this meant, one thing in particular, which was what the fuck does incomplete right bundle branch block pattern mean?! She told me it doesn’t mean much. Yeah, that tells me a lot… So I told her he had said last year that I had a slight electrical issue, it sometimes takes the signal a bit longer to get from the top to the bottom of my heart. She said that was what that meant. Well then fucking tell me that! Jesus Christ… What a conversation…

My brother is right… I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t…

There’s just been so much drama, so many stressful things going on in my life, so many things that were and are traumatic and some revelations that keep popping up lately… I just can’t seem to escape.

Last week, while talking with my mother, I brought up the me not being able to go to college thing and I said I felt I wasn’t allowed to go because I had to stay home and help her and the sponge pay bills. When she said “yeah”, that was like an admission to me. You’d think I’d feel better, having her finally admit that was why my sister got the chance at a life and I got fucked because of her own selfishness. But it felt really hollow, to be honest. It doesn’t change what happened, it doesn’t ease my resentment (which she knows I do resent them for that). I’m not sure it helped at all. I think it made things worse. Now I know that it was all due to the sponge and her selfish desire to keep his useless ass around. And I had to pay for it…

So I think I’m going to take this little bit of hippie dippy advice, here. I’m going to try and let go of the things that I know don’t matter to see if I can figure out the things that do. So far I’m off to a good start… I realized that family are the ones who support and love you, even if you’re not blood related. And blood relation doesn’t make you family. So I think I’ll spend time just pondering things in my life for a bit…