Raise your hand if you remember Bartok the bat from Anastasia! I still have a talking Bartok plush I got from… Pizza Hut? McDonald’s? I forget. But it was back when the movie first came out when I was in my early 20s. One of his lines is, “Stress… it’s a killer.” That one was always my favorite, but I don’t know why. It’s really not funny; it’s actually quite true. Although if it’s due to it raising your blood pressure I’ll be good. Mine has always been so low I’m practically a god damned corpse. And that’s with drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes…

I’ve been under a lot of stress for months (unfortunately it’s something I can’t discuss) and the pressure is starting to take a toll on both my physical and mental health. Like I’m beginning to wonder if Baxter is telling me off since he’s always sticking his tongue out at me…

On one particular day when I had a meltdown, I called my sister in tears. She’s good at listening and calming me down and we do that for each other. Anyway, after listening to me vent and relieving some stress, she asked if I thought it might help me if I got a job. Not for financial reasons, mind you, just so I’d have a sense of purpose. I reminded her I actually did get hired, at a record store. It would have been perfect. The employees, even ones older than me, knew so much less about music it was pathetic. But then I got sick and had to get a COVID test done. It was negative, but I was still pretty sick, so I quarantined just to be safe. When I was done with quarantine and I could start, my anxiety went berserk. That’s when I realized I’m not ready…

But it brought about a conversation the other day about what brings us purpose in our lives and I honestly couldn’t think of what would make me feel as if I had some. Then it dawned on me… I felt I had purpose when I would go sit in my little art corner at my drafting table and work on my comic. You’re probably wondering how I got any work done with all that mess… And these are really old pictures! It got much more cluttered… And there are a few of me, selfies I took when I was working just for shits and giggles. Man, do I love those red shades. I don’t get to wear them since I need my glasses to see distance, but I can see fine close up and decided to put them on. And I was wearing my favorite Poison shirt that belonged to my bestie M&M (yes, I still have that since high school). It’s one of my favorite selfies for some reason.

It’s been such a long time since I sat in my little art corner… Now my drafting table is just something I throw shit on. It’s lost its purpose much as I’ve lost mine. That’s really sad, actually…

And the thing is, it’s not that I couldn’t clean off all the junk I’ve piled up on top of it, sit my ass down and start working again. I could… But the problem isn’t just the space itself. The problem is me…

Granted, even when I wasn’t on my meds, I had issues. If I was too manic or too depressed, either no ideas would come to mind or I couldn’t manifest them correctly because they weren’t clear enough images in my mind. But when I’m on my meds, well… They really fuck with your head, you know? I mean, yeah, I’m feeling better most of the time. But the trade off is a rather high price. I seem to lose all my inspiration completely. I literally haven’t sat at my drafting table in probably about five years or more. Worse, the only digital art I’ve done in those five years were mostly self portraits with a few random drawings thrown in here and there. And still, no matter what I did, my supposed friends on Facepuke couldn’t be bothered to hit that like button and out of all the intricate shit I drew, it was a My Little Pony drawing that had the most likes. What the fuck… Makes you want to give it all up, so I did…

And just to drive home the point that your life is pathetic, meaningless and you have no purpose, you find yourself getting excited when you’re playing Animal Crossing and your favorite villager shows up to visit your house for the first time. Yup… My cheese has finally slid off my cracker, dear readers… Of course I’m not alone in this. I spam my mother with some of these screenshots, so I texted her the last one and told her Punchy came to visit and she replied, “Looks like you had a good time.” Um… alrighty then…!

To be fair, my visit with Punchy was actually just what I needed. I know, that sounds really stupid and childish. But there’s a reason he’s my favorite character. He’s the only one who runs around my island almost constantly playing airplane with his arms out and the biggest smile on his face. And he says the weirdest things that make me laugh my ass off. That particular day he was commenting on my chairs and said he tends to get too comfortable in chairs and his legs fall asleep which is how he got stuck on the toilet for a week… I just stared at the dialogue on my screen for a second or two, then burst out laughing. I’m not sure why toilet humor is funny, but it is. And I needed that laugh.

And since I’m pathetic anyway and seemingly without purpose… I decided to create one that’s totally stupid and bat shit insane…

So I watch a lot of YouTube videos created by people who visit other people’s islands and do a walkthrough to showcase them. In the game, you have a dream address, which means you can save the way your island looks at a certain time of day during a certain season. People can visit anytime, not just when you allow them entrance and they can’t mess with your stuff or ruin your flowers, shit like that. Anyway, these YouTube people find islands to visit by seeing pictures on certain social media and one thing that really seems to catch their eye are custom maps. So I took a screenshot of my island map and colored over it, marking certain particular sites of interest and created a walkthrough guide. I also took a shit ton of pictures from all over my island. Now I have to create certain accounts again (since I deleted mine) so I can showcase all my pictures in the hope that someone will want to do a video on my island. I realize how sad that sounds… And in all honesty, my island is nothing spectacular in comparison to the ones I see in these videos. But it would make me feel like I accomplished something and I need the ego boost right now. Besides… I’ve spent so many hours playing this fucking game, a little recognition would be nice is all.

I have an appointment with my shrink today… I’m feeling a bit apprehensive about going. He’s not like most shrinks who spend about two seconds with you to find out if your meds are helping, adjust if necessary then send you on your way. Oh no, we actually talk… I think they should talk to you, but right now I’m not sure I want to tell him what’s been on my mind. I don’t even want to know what’s been on my mind lately…