Aside from the fact that I totally ripped off some Pink Floyd lyrics for the title… No, the bad news is that there is a lower state than rock bottom, dear readers. And I have officially reached it.
Lately my mood has been “falling for all eternity in a bottomless pit of depression”. I suppose that’s why I’ve been obsessively listening to one particular song by Genesis keyboardist, Tony Banks, one of his solo works. I hate calling him a keyboardist when he’s more of a pianist, really… And a true artist. The song, “For A While“, is beautiful in a melancholy way. The entire first verse is so sad, in particular the last few lines: “I may be back someday, But the people and things will change, And no one will remember me then.” I think we’ve all felt like that at some point in our lives, like picking up and leaving. And we know that, if we ever return, the people, the area, the things in the area, will all have changed and no one will remember you or that you were ever part of that world.
So… as I said in my last entry, I had a birthday coming up. Not one I particularly wanted to celebrate, either. No one jumps up and down for joy, “Yeah! I’m almost a half century old! Next year I qualify for AARP! Woo-hoo!” Yeah… no one does that… Maybe weirdos do, but I wasn’t.
And things were going so badly… The only two people I still had that were willing to go see strippers with me for my birthday ditched me last minute. My mother played the triple bypass card, claiming it might not be good for her to go to something like that, considering. Listen, if they cleared you to return to work (I’m assuming that also means she was cleared for other “physical” activities I don’t want to think about) then I’m sure you’re fine to see strippers. She suggested I go next year. So I guess she wasn’t listening the first hundred times I said I wasn’t celebrating anymore after this year, hence the reason I wanted to do something big and radical. So I mentioned this to my supposed best friend, M&M, who reacted by texting me back, “Maybe it’s just as well.” What in the blue fuck is that supposed to mean?! So the only two people I thought cared enough to celebrate with me ditched me…
Oh look… I’m actually sharing pictures of my ugly mug (excuse the spring cleaning mess in the background). Believe it or not, the only filter on this picture is teeth whitening (my front teeth are very thin and look bad in pictures). Not bad for 49, huh?
Every year since I’ve gotten Baxter (he turned 3 on the 12th) I’ve done this funny hat thing. Except this year he kept trying to eat his hat… But he’s helped me a lot. Before I got him, I used to cry a lot before my birthday because I missed my friend Michele, my friend whose birthday was the day before mine. Having a new birthday buddy whose birthday is four days after mine helps me not cry and miss her so much. I still wish her a happy birthday on the 7th and I still cry a little, but it’s not as bad. But this year… I cried a lot. I think it’s because everything was going wrong, I was feeling friendless and unloved… And I had received bad news about one of my friends the day before my birthday. He’s gay and, sadly, HIV positive. And even though the asshole knowingly infected him, my friend is so full of life. He’s like a warm ray of sunlight shining on your face. And the day before my birthday I learned he has throat and stomach cancer. I cried like a baby. I can’t lose him. We’re like each other’s sunshine…
Sounds like my birthday was really sucking ass this year, doesn’t it? Well… it was. In fact, the morning of my birthday, I went on my Animal Crossing game, knowing full well what was going to happen and dreading it (see the first set of goofy pictures). This is the third year, now, that I’ve been abducted by one of my villagers and forcibly taken to their home where two other villagers waited so they could scream “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” in my face. They tell me how surprised I looked (I didn’t), how long they’d been planning it, blah blah… Then I need to blow out the candles on the cake, they give me a present, then I need to beat the fuck out of a piñata until it breaks and cupcakes fall out. I get the cupcakes which I can give to other villagers and get presents… So when all that’s over, they all dance and prance around happily, dressed in their best, to the absolute worst song in the entire game (I hate “K.K. Birthday”, it’s annoying). And yet… since all my plans had fallen to shit, as they always do no matter if it’s me or someone else planning it (It’s just because it’s for me that it all goes to shit), I decided to make my character ditty-bop and watched my party. I was so depressed that I watched my video game party for ten minutes. You don’t get more depressed than that…
In all honesty, all I’ve ever really wanted out of any birthday party were some balloons and streamers, a cake, maybe some music, maybe a few presents… and to have people there who actually give a fuck that I live and breathe on this planet. I actually got upset about this one day and cried about this the day before my birthday, which gave the person who heard me the idea to have balloons set up at the local diner and an ice cream cake for dessert. It was nice… The staff actually sang to me. But the best part? The only numeral candle on it was a 9 so no one would know how old I was. That was truly a gift! The downside… My mother and her sponge were there. She spent the entire time staring off into space as if she’d rather not be there and the sponge, as usual, spoke nicely to everyone but me.
At least I did get some nice gifts… My mother bought me leggings (which she bought the morning of my birthday and sent me pictures from Walmart to see which I liked best), a stuffed llama and lemur (two of my favorites), a set of AirPods (the person didn’t know I already had a pair and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, they were so excited about their gift) and I also got the two other Gatchaman Pop! figures I needed. Ken actually came in a protective case, which made the other two look bad, but thankfully I had cases to put them in. This is only a temporary home for them, however…
You can see why it’s a temporary home… I had to take the picture this way so it was long enough to use for a paragraph next to it. Sadly, you get to see the weird shit on my bookshelves and not the things people with an ounce of brain read. Well… One of the books was written by my author friend Jane. The ones by the Japanese authors are… They’re really fucking dark! Yes, I like The Thorn Birds and I liked the mini series (shut up) as well as Nine Perfect Strangers. What you don’t see is what’s behind and under it, like The Divine Comedy, The Iliad, The Odyssey…
More random gameplay… The 11th was my favorite, Punchy’s, birthday (the same day as my childhood cat), me trying to scare the creepy ass Easter Bunny, Zipper (Mint decided to join in the fun) and having coffee with the three Able Sisters.
Anyway… the day after my birthday was the night we were all supposed to go see strippers. I texted M&M that morning to see if she was coming to pay a visit since, hey, she was supposed to be hanging with me anyway. Imagine my surprise when she told me that she “had plans”. Um… yeah, I thought you had plans with me. But then I remembered her mom couldn’t come because her brother-in-law was coming with his new wife a few days prior. So I asked if she’d gotten roped into sticking around to hang out with them. She said no, they weren’t coming until the following week. I was puzzled and said I thought they were coming that week which is why her mom couldn’t come with us. It took her an awfully long time to text me back the short response that they were suppose to come, but they couldn’t find a kennel to board their dog so they were coming the following week. She never did tell me what her “plans” were, but she made it sound as if it were something unpleasant. Either way, I was ditched twice. Some best friend… I haven’t heard from her since and that was over two weeks ago. Yeah, I see where I rate here…
Okay, we need a laughter break… This is what happens if you keep approaching the creepy Easter Bunny, Zipper, in Animal Crossing from behind. In the last picture he actually got pissed, which I actually did find quite funny! Hence the reason Mint and I were goofing behind his back in that earlier picture…
So to add insult to injury to everything that had happened, the “friend” I wrote about in my last entry, the one who responded to my invite with, “I’ll go because it’s your birthday and you asked me to” recently sent me an invite to her parents’ 50th anniversary party she’s throwing for them. Now, her parents were always more like parents to me than my own. But… she ditched me when I made plans for my birthday. Why would I want your plans to go the way you want them to? And I’ve known for a long time, I only get invited because, “you make the best deviled eggs”, then she spends the entire party blatantly treating me as if she doesn’t want me there, doesn’t care what I think or have to say. Sorry, the Queen of Deviled Eggs is renouncing her throne. I’m done.. Besides, neither her nor her mom wished me a happy birthday, so I don’t care right now. Maybe I’ll respond with, “I’ll come because it’s their anniversary and you asked me to…”
That may sound petty, but I really don’t give a fuck right now… I’m so tired of having to consider everyone else’s feelings and not having mine considered at all. So if I want to be petty and be an asshole, not trust that even my best friend is truly that anymore, then that’s what I need to do right now. My mental health is so much more important. If I need to cut out every toxic ass fuck from my life, then I guess that’s what I have to do. I have to do it for myself…
In other news… This is Sven, my Norwegian Pine seedling they were giving away for free on Earth day at the grocery store (why this is a thing, I don’t know, but they did it). The stupid thing is that the directions, or Tree Planting For Dummies, tells you to dig a certain sized hole, make sure it’s moist, yada yada… But you can’t. Look at this little thing! It looks like someone broke off the end of a branch and stuck it in dirt! Now, I found a maple seedling that had started growing in a bad spot under my heating and cooling unit, so I replanted it in the yard and it’s now a huge sapling, but that’s a maple! Maples are really hearty and will grow any fucking where! Pines are delicate! You stick something like this in the ground with no protection, it’s as good as dead. So I decided to put it in a pot until it at least looks more like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. It needs better established roots before I feel comfortable planting it and even then it’s iffy at best.
And I suppose I wanted to show my age on my birthday or something… I don’t do traditional drawings often, but I felt like doing one and did this very early 80s girl. I liked her, so I thought I’d break out my Prismacolor sticks and give her some color as well. Yes, dear readers who aren’t old enough to remember, we actually dressed like this! Oh, the humanity! Yup, neon colors, jelly bracelets (and shoes), oversized sweatshirts hanging off one shoulder or shaker sweaters and so much Aqua Net that we were personally responsible for the hole in the ozone layer getting as big as it is now. I drew this on my actual birthday while I listened to my 80s playlist, feeling incredibly old as I realized, “Jesus Christ, this song is 39 years old!” And I could remember the first time I heard it like it came out yesterday… That’s a realization I never wanted to have…
I think I’ll close today with some cuteness… I happened to catch Punchy playing airplane in front of the café one day and took a video. This is one of the reasons I love him so much. He’s just so free and innocent, just living life with a childlike quality that we all seem to lose and forget about when faced with life’s stresses and responsibilities. Maybe we should all take a lesson from Punchy. Now go do airplane runs and smile happily…
and She Said... 