I’ll be god-damned… They even have an instructional book for becoming a vampire… Do I even want to know?! Probably not…

I know what you’re thinking, dear readers… You saw that title and thought, “Christ, Jackie’s cheese has finally slipped off her fucking cracker… Vampires?! There are no such things!” But actually, you’d be wrong and I’ll explain why. “Vampire” has long been used as a term to describe an undead being who sustains themselves by feeding off the blood of living creatures (and, if you’re one of those goofy Twilight vampires, you’re all pretty and sparkle in sunlight for some dumb reason). But recently, the term has been used more loosely. For example, in my Animal Crossing game, when my villagers come to visit my home and annoyingly won’t leave, they eventually tell me they don’t want to be what they call a “time vampire”, someone who takes up too much of my time when I have other things to do, I assume. I’m sure we all have time vampires in our real lives (I know I sure do), people who keep you on the phone for hours and won’t let you get a word in edgewise for fear you’ll say you have to go.

Then there’s the dreaded energy vampire… Seriously, this is a thing (look, they even write books about it). They’re toxic people who literally feed off your energy, suck it all out of you until you have nothing and use it for their own benefit so they feel good and you feel like a hollow shell. But, contrary to their popular belief, you don’t need to feel sympathy or empathy to be a victim of these vampires. They can still suck the energy right out of you just because you’re too polite to tell them flat out to shut the fuck up. You can tell them things you know they won’t want to hear and maybe they’ll leave you alone for a few days (or they’ll just tell you that you’re wrong and defend their actions) and then it’s business as usual. The worst part is… How in the blue fuck does one get rid of energy vampires before it’s too late and the person getting attacked is completely drained? Well, I guess that’s why they make books like this, huh?

I myself am a victim of an energy vampire and have been for some time (which, if you’ve been following me for a while, I’m sure you know that). And this weekend really took the cake. I honestly can’t take this fucking shit anymore…

After having a meltdown mid last week (which caused a rather lengthy episode of tachycardia), I hadn’t felt well for days. I’ve been under a lot of stress and anxiety lately and Morticia hadn’t been helping… Well, I hadn’t spoken to her in about two days before I realized I couldn’t avoid her or she’d be bitching to her other “friends” how I’m not her friend because I never answer her calls. I’m sorry, I just can’t talk to you the half dozen times a day you want to talk to me… Once is more than enough, especially lately. I’ve been listening to her beating the same dead horses and it’s driving me bat shit insane… She doesn’t feel well and has herself thoroughly convinced she’s deathly ill, but she won’t go to the doctor. She got injured at work, they denied her claim for carpal tunnel after the claims adjuster asked her questions that were none of her business. I told her talk to a lawyer and gave her a name. She still hasn’t called, but she still cries to me…

And this is how Morticia is… I know she’s not the brightest crayon in the box, but she’s not this stupid… Even if she was, I’m giving her good solid advice. Go to the doctor if you feel that bad. Call a lawyer if you think the company is fucking you and sweeping shit under the rug. But she doesn’t do these things. Why I don’t know… As far as the doctor goes, I think it’s because, if she does go, she’ll find out she’s fine and then she can’t play ill. I honestly doubt it’s because she’s afraid something is really wrong with her. She eats up the attention she gets from everyone (but me) because she’s “so sick” all the time. As for getting a lawyer so she doesn’t get fucked… I think she won’t call because she’d much rather someone else do it, like me. I always tell her no, she has to do it.

Apparently, in the two days I hadn’t spoken to her, there was some drama (shocking…) between her and one of her supposed “friends”. I’m sure if it were me in that situation, I’d have been pissed about being the third member of the party who was getting ditched by the other two. But Morticia’s issues seemed to run deeper than that. She bitched about everything, insisting the friend’s issue was that she just had to be in control of everything. I don’t think Morticia realizes that she has that same issue… She also bitched about her other friend, who shares her name, because her boyfriend is an asshole who is very nasty and speaks to her friends nasty as well. And she was angry that both these friends seem to have the same issue: once they have a man in their lives, they don’t bother with their friends anymore. She seemed positively incensed by all this, especially the other Morticia. I asked her what did she care? The other Morticia is a middle aged woman. If she made a bad choice, it’s hers to make. Let it be…

So after two days of listening to her beating these same dead horses for a half hour or more each fucking time she called, I felt like I was going to completely lose my shit… I haven’t exactly been feeling great myself, as I’ve said, because I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I’d told her so. She asked me what was wrong when I’d said I hadn’t been feeling well myself and when I began telling her, she cut me off to keep beating one of the dead horses. She was crying to me about money issues again when she knows I’m having some major financial issues myself at the moment. Yeah, you’re having issues… but you spent $42 to go to a water park Friday… To add to this, the breakup she had with Gomez… I can’t tell what the fuck is going on. She says they’re just friends, but the way she talks about him, gets angry and jealous, I think they’re still together, but she denies it. I’m just so fucking done… I just can’t anymore… I was actually starting to feel a bit better for not speaking with her for two days. After I talked to her? I felt like shit all over again…

And so it makes you wonder… Why?!? Seriously, why are energy vampires like this?! Actually, why are toxic people in general so fucking toxic?! If I know one of my friends (wait… what friends…?) is having a far worse time at life than I am, I don’t talk to them about what’s going on in my life, even if they ask, even if they know something is wrong. And do you know why? Because they have enough shit to deal with. They don’t need me dumping my shit on top of theirs. By contrast, I don’t think they should dump their shit on me when I’m going through a worse time than they are because I just can’t handle more than what I have on my own plate at that point and time. The problem is, how do you tell someone that? How do you tell them that you don’t want to hear their whining and bitching because you have as much on your plate as you can handle and anymore and you’re going to fucking crack? Or, you know… make them the funny smell in your trunk… whichever… My therapist asked me the other day what was I doing for stress relief and I was genuinely puzzled and asked him what he meant. He said coping skills, meds… Well gee, doc… I don’t want to be on a fuck ton on Klonopin again, so I only take one in the morning. And coping skills aren’t worth shit.

I love the idea of “coping skills”… Have they ever actually worked for anyone?! I know they’ve never really worked for me or they don’t work in every situation. When I’m overly stressed, like now, they don’t work for shit… And it’s sad that we even need people to teach us skills to cope with the kind of stupid we need to put up with in our lives.

I recall once speaking to a bipolar friend and asking her if she ever felt special because she was bipolar. Like, did she ever feel as if the entire world walked around wearing blinders or looked at the world through rose colored glasses and you feel special because you see the world how it really is, did that make her feel special, like she had a superpower or something? Without hesitation, she replied, “Oh my god, yes…” I’ve always found that interesting… Sometimes I must admit that I do feel slightly superior because I see the world differently than most people. But then there are times I envy those who don’t see the ugliness and stupid that I do… I wish I never saw it…

Not to worry, dear readers… I don’t plan on doing anything foolish to myself or Morticia… much as I’d like to have her take a few deep breaths from a chloroform soaked rag sometimes so she’d stop calling me so fucking often… Maybe today, since it’s supposed to be nice, I’ll take Baxter for a nature day to the creek that runs through the backyard. Dopping in creek water always makes me feel so much better for whatever the reason. Or maybe I’ll work on a new drawing. I’ve had a few ideas in my head… Or maybe I’ll just put on my headphones and lose myself in some beautiful music. That usually helps melt away some stress (Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon album is sounding good right about now). But regardless of what I decide to do to help tone down my stress, I have one last word of caution for you, dear readers… Beware the energy vampires. They may look like your family or friends, but they’re not. And they are out there… among us… waiting…