I haven’t been around for a bit… As you can see, I’ve been doing some art. This was my first attempt at using watercolor pencils. Albeit not the best, but it was my first attempt at using a new medium I’d never used before, so I was completely out of my element. All I knew was that I wasn’t using the cheap ass brush they gave me. Over $50 for the pencils and they give me the cheapest brush. For real?! I just bought a pack of the plastic, refillable brushes. Much nicer. No dipping, no dripping… The water comes right from the barrel down into the bristles so you always have water. That makes my life a helluva lot easier. But it seemed bland and, since I had this pack of retro things to paste on, I pulled out some mushrooms and butterflies I thought would jazz it up a few notches. I think it worked out well. I’m still learning, but I’m getting the hang of it. Maybe one day my work will look better than this. Who knows…

I wish I could say I’ve been MIA because I’ve been working on my writing and drawing so much. I wish I could say that… But sadly, that’s not why. I’ve been spending a lot of time at doctor’s appointments, getting tests done and lying on the sofa crying. Well, that and amusing myself with male Siri’s inability to listen correctly on the Apple Watch. I got myself the series 7 watch because I’ve been wanting to get one and just never wanted to spend the money, but also because I felt that the abilities it had to monitor heart rate and do EKGs would help allay my anxieties over my heart wonkiness that I sometimes experience (I have a slight electrical defect). I have no idea what I was saying at the time, here, but Siri didn’t hear what I was saying correctly at all and this was the response I got. My mom was visiting when this happened and we were both cracking up. It just goes to show, even AI males don’t really listen I suppose.

So this all started one night when the upper part of my left arm, shoulder and the area leading into my chest went numb… I was freaked the fuck out (thanks, anxiety), but had no other symptoms and it dissipated after 15 minutes. I figured it was a pinched nerve like I’d had in the other side. I had a car accident when I was 19 (wow, 30 years ago) and have developed stenosis in my neck vertebrae, which closes up the holes the nerves run through and pinches them. So the next morning I call one of my GPs because they have meds to treat this shit and she wants me to go to the ER for a CAT scan of my head that day, ASAP. I had no clue why, but whatever. She told them I was coming, so I go down… and they had other plans. After they drew about 7 or 8 vials of blood, put in two IV lines (one had to be large for contrast dye), an EKG, a chest X-ray and finally the head CT that gave me a lovely headache for how fast they pushed the dye in, they said everything looked good, though I did get a referral to a neurologist (see, probably the pinched nerve I thought it was). What concerned me that they just blew off was that my heart rate was really low, which isn’t normal for me. At one point it went down to 48 and sent alarms off on the machine. They said they don’t worry until it dips below 40, but still…

Now, this hospital network has this thing called “My Chart” that you can access and see your results as soon as they come in. That’s how I’ve known my bloodwork and urine are all sorts of fucked up and have been for a while. But it’s a good thing I really read this shit… One thing I read on my CT scan was down at the bottom under thoracic. Apparently it gets the top part of your chest as well… Mild emphysema in the lung apices… That’s what it said. My chest X-ray also showed minimal scarring on my right lung and hyperinflation. I immediately called my GP to ask what the fuck this all meant, hoping I was wrong. Nope… I have mild emphysema. He suggested I see a pulmonologist. I was sobbing… He wouldn’t let me off the phone until he knew I was feeling a little better.

That’s not bad enough… What’s worse is that they saw scarring on my lungs 4 years ago and said nothing. They didn’t even mention the mild emphysema to me and they should have. I had to see it on my own! How long were they going to let that shit go?! They didn’t even send the results to my GP! In any case, a day or so later, I got the EKG results. Sinus bradycardia, which means my heart is beating in rhythm, it’s just super slow. So I’ve been checking that with my Apple Watch and yeah, my resting heart rate has been in the 40s quite a lot. So I made an appointment with the cardiologist. I need to get a Holter monitor again at the end of next month to see what the fuck my heart is doing (he doesn’t trust the watches yet) and, while I was there, he changed my cholesterol med because my statin wasn’t making enough of a difference. The reason he didn’t change me over sooner was because other statins can cause muscle spasms and I tend to get those in my back as it is, so he wanted to leave well enough alone. So now I’m on a scary cholesterol med that makes me nauseous so far. I’m not happy about that…

That was Monday’s appointment… Tuesday, I went for a DEXA scan. For those who have no fucking idea what that is, it’s a bone density test. Several months ago I realized that on October 2nd, it’ll be 15 years since I’d gotten my last monthly friend and it’s possible I should get one. Also because I’ve been needing a step stool to reach the top shelf in cupboards. I wasn’t worried about that test, honestly, and I’d asked for it just to keep an eye on things like I should. Yeah… I wasn’t happy when she measured me and I found I shrunk 2 inches… I’m now 5 foot 7 inches. I feel short… Thanks menopause! Fucking ass… Then my results come back. Osteoporosis… Mild, the beginning stages. My GP says they should start treating it now, but the pills can cause gastric issues which I already have and, with me being so young and probably needing to be on treatment for a long time, he thinks the yearly injections may be more effective. So he referred me to a rheumatologist. I was fine, cheerful almost , on the phone. Then as soon as I hung up, I broke down and sobbed. I never really got over losing my ovaries as I did. And now it’s like I’m mourning all over again because it’s causing me all sorts of geriatric issues and I’m not even 50 yet.

Thursday I went to the pulmonologist. By this point, I was so overwhelmed, it wasn’t funny. I had called my sister that morning and literally had a breakdown of nuclear proportions. I was crying, asking what did I do to deserve this? She actually seemed sympathetic for once and told me I didn’t do anything. It doesn’t feel that way… It feels like this is punishment, but for what I don’t know. I’ve always tried to be a good person, do the right things… I don’t know… So by the time the doctor came in to see me, I was lying on the exam table crying and barely acknowledged him at first. I had to explain it was just an overwhelming week of bad news. At least he didn’t give me horrible news. No cancer, the emphysema is mild, it’s not that bad. On a scale of 1-10, I’m a 5 (that sounds pretty bad, doc). I can’t get a lung CT until I’m 50, so about 6 more months. In the meantime, I need to get breathing studies done, go through a smoking cessation program (I want to quit, scary as that is for me with my anxiety) and I got a kick ass inhaler which helps the hyperinflation. That’s what’s been causing the pain in my ribs all this time. Air gets trapped in my lungs because the tubes are too narrow, so the sacs get overinflated and ouch! Let me tell you, it hurts like a fuck! This stuff helps. I see him again in 3 months.

But the worst part of all this is finding out your friends and family suck… I don’t want pity or sympathy, I’m not that kind of person. I just want to know you care about me and you’ll be there to help pick me up if I should falter, that’s it. Be encouraging.

So even though she’s been acting odd with me lately, I’d finally told M&M about the emphysema thing (I didn’t know about the other shit yet) because she’s my best friend and has been since I was 16 and she was 14. Her response was that it sucks getting old, she’s facing some shit herself. I was concerned, so I asked what was going on. She told me she found out she had macular degeneration and it was the type you couldn’t treat, so one day she’d need glasses… Well boo-fucking-hoo! I’ve been wearing glasses since third grade! I had bifocals in high school and before I turned 49, it was either transition bifocals or trifocals! No offense, but how does this compare to emphysema?! I didn’t even want to tell her about the cardiac shit or the osteoporosis. I though her reaction was really insensitive and I just didn’t want to deal with that anymore. She knows how long I’ve had to have glasses, how bad my eyes are… Why would she think that I’d feel sorry for her or that it compares?!

And my family is no better… not that I actually have a lot of family. They’re really not very supportive, they don’t show they give a rat’s happy ass… I think the closest thing my mother said that sounded even remotely caring was to say, “Well, at least you’re doing something about it.” No shit, Sherlock! What the fuck did you think I was going to do?! Let it go so it could get worse and just die?! I know she’s been a shitty mom, but that was really an idiot thing to say to me! The few friends I have are no better… They either have no reaction at all or are complete idiots like Morticia who try to downplay things because god forbid that anyone should be more ill than she is. She even tried telling me she had osteoporosis in her back, they told her when they did her X-ray of her spine. I told her they can’t tell by X-ray, you need a DEXA scan, what they told her was she had osteoarthritis, which is something else I have in my back. Then she agreed maybe that was what they told her (they did, I remember her telling me that) and then asked what osteoporosis was. She didn’t even know, but she swore she had it! I swear she had Munchausen’s! It’s fucking crazy and she drives me crazy! This is not what I need right now… I’m falling apart and a lot of it is due to losing my ovaries like I did. I may only be 49, but I have all the issues of a woman in her late 60s or older. It’s not fun and I hate it! Seriously, fuck my life…

This is my current mental state. I just feel very much alone… I’m scared… I’m not too proud to admit that. I’m really fucking scared of everything going on right now and I feel as if I have absolutely no support, no one who gives a good god damn what the fuck I’m going through, what’s running through my head… I’m terrified of the damage I’ve already done to my lungs, but at the same time I’m terrified to quit smoking. I know that makes no sense to normal people, but I’ve been smoking for 34 years. That’s a long time… I use it as a crutch for my anxiety. And, if I quit, will I gain back all the weight I gained on Cymbalta that I worked so hard to get rid of? And, if I’m not a smoker, who the fuck am I? Obviously I wasn’t ready to quit, but now my hand is forced. And all the other things going on… Did you know, with osteoporosis in your spine, you can break your vertebrae just by bending, coughing or sneezing? Yeah, that’s not paranoia inducing at all… Now I’m almost certain that time my sacroiliac joint popped out so bad I had to put myself in homemade traction was actually a fracture. All I did was bend over. The pain was excruciating and nothing helped it. So now I’m afraid to do things. As for my heart, well… That’s been an issue. Still, I don’t want to feel like I’m going through all this alone with no support. But here we are… I suppose I’ll just have to suck it up and do what I have to do. I don’t have the luxury to lay around and cry anymore…