So… I realized after my last blog entry that perhaps it was a bit harsh and/or insulting to some… My intention certainly wasn’t to offend anyone, but with the way the world is today, if you don’t want to offend anyone you literally wouldn’t be able to talk or write at all, now, would you? So much like my friend Lelouch, here, you finally got to see a bit of the Jackie Blue behind the mask, the part that is a bit of a sociopath. She’s not always pretty…

As I said in my last entry, I don’t really care what the fuck your preferences are, sexual or otherwise. If you’re happy, that’s awesome! You’re one of the few lucky mother fuckers on the planet who is… I just don’t think it’s right that rich people make themselves feel self important by purchasing products or art created by people of whatever group simply so they can say they support said community. No you don’t… You just want to feel self important and make it look as if you’re supportive. And members of these communities are just as bad sometimes. You’re selling yourself like a common whore because you know these rich asshats will spend thousands of dollars to feel self important. I don’t know which is worse, to be honest.

I probably should apologize, but… Look, it’s just my opinion, nothing more. And we all know opinions are like assholes… everyone’s got one…

However, what brought on that little tangent was my neighbor… She never bothers with me unless she wants something, which is irritating enough. Well, that particular day, while working on the commission I got to draw one of my hippie girls, she messaged me asking if I was busy (but not really asking as she ended the sentence with a period and not a question mark). She was looking for someone to take her son to pick up his truck which was about a 10 minute drive from here. Why he wasn’t with his truck, I have no idea, but this happens a lot. And as if I want the little shit to have the noisy ass thing back so he can loudly hot rod up and down our street! Besides, I was busy and I told her so, that I was working on an art commission I’d gotten. The response was, “Oh really” with no punctuation… See, it’s people like this that really piss me off! I’m sorry you think what I do is just drawing and coloring like a kindergartener… But if you had half the talent I do to even do what I do, you’d know it’s hard work! I spent 3 days, 10 hours each day, to finish this! I rarely changed position, didn’t get up to pee until my bladder and kidneys were literally SCREAMING at me, forgot to eat and drink… All for $60 US… Do the math… That’s $2 an hour… I may not have a physically demanding job like factory work or a job pushing papers like her. I don’t get benefits, vacations, holidays… I get paid less than a waitress. But my work makes people happy. Maybe if I get more work I’ll start charging more, but not now. I get really irked when people think what I do isn’t work and she really pushed my buttons that day because she’d asked me to do her a favor, always taking, never giving. So I lost my shit more than a little bit… To top it all off, my client didn’t like the drawing and I now have to make another in different colors. Just shoot me…

I did have a bit of good news… I hadn’t been able to play my baby Constantine for a very long time because he was in dire need of new strings and I simply couldn’t afford to get him restrung. Obviously my instructor hadn’t taught me how before I had to stop taking lessons and I wasn’t comfortable enough to learn how just yet. Maybe if he only had 6, but he has 12… Anyway, getting strings for him was a moot point. They would be great for about 2 weeks and then start showing signs of rust due to the weird pH of my skin. Nothing I did helped. So I had to ask if there were rust proof strings as I didn’t want to switch to nylon. And there were! But they didn’t carry the ones for a 12 string in store and had to order them. So I left Constantine there to await the strings since he no longer stayed in tune. He was gone for about 4 weeks waiting for those fucking strings! And the ones he did get? Martin… Why it took 4 weeks, I have no idea. The Martin plant is so close… Anyway, when they called I was so excited I could barely contain myself! Constantine was finally coming home! And how pretty he looked… I always take a picture when he comes back from a restringing. They polish his body so nicely and they clean his fretboard while the strings are off. And look at those gorgeous strings! I couldn’t wait! As soon as I took this picture, I tossed my phone aside, picked him up, hugged him for a moment, then began to play… which took a few moments because it had been so long my brain was drawing a blank… I played for about 10 minutes and was so enjoying how beautiful my baby sounded when, don’t you know, my phone rang… Yeah, you know it did and you know who it was, too…

Surprise, it was Morticia… I swear she has a fucking radar… “Jackie’s working on a drawing/playing piano/playing guitar/painting a landscape/reading a book/watching a movie/taking a shit, I NEED TO CALL HER RIGHT NOW!!! And I’m going to whine and cry about the same things I whine and cry about every fucking time I call her and keep beating that dead horse even though it’s long fucking dead and has been beaten so badly it’s just a pile of hamburger!” Ugh… Just why?! And I know what you’re all thinking, “Christ, Jackie, just don’t answer the fucking phone!” Oh, if only it were that simple… but it isn’t… She’ll just keep CALLING! She actually had someone that was doing that to her and bitched to me about it. I almost said something, but then I decided against it because she wouldn’t see the point anyway…

So recently Morticia had been going through something pretty bad, something even I admit was bad… I can’t say what, exactly, for certain reasons. In any case, I knew that one of the worst outcomes wasn’t going to happen or it certainly would have already because it wasn’t something you fuck around with, which I’d told her many times. So the day she was to get the final news, she tried calling. It was Friday, the day she knows my mother comes to visit every week. We were also out because my one dog, Miko, was ill and I needed my mother’s help to lift her into the car as I can’t do these things anymore. Morticia tried calling right when my mother arrived and I texted her that my mother was there (she knows this) and I got no response. She called when I was at the vet’s and I sent her a text telling her that, which was when she told me the news she’d been waiting for was coming at 3 o’clock (a half hour away). I told her it would be fine, I’d call her when I was out of the vet’s office. She called again when I was waiting for my invoice to check out! What the flying figging fuck don’t you understand when I say I’ll call you when I’m done at an appointment?!? She literally doesn’t understand boundaries even when you set them up, which is annoying as fuck, let me tell you! I cringe every time I hear my phone ring and I hate it…

In any case… The outcome of Morticia’s dilemma, while not as bad as it could have been, wasn’t the greatest. I can safely say that she could definitely in all likelihood take action under said circumstances, but not if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut, which is what I’d told her to do. If you’re planning to take legal action, you don’t tell people who will get it back to those you’re planning to take action against. But she did… And when I told her she shouldn’t have done that because she didn’t want word getting back, she said, “I don’t care…” Yeah?! Well, when things blow up in your fucking face, I don’t want to hear you crying at me. I’m the one who told you to shut your fucking hole.

All I really want to do at this point is just kick back with some relaxing tunes and just block out the rest of the world because it’s just getting too stupid for words right now… The other day I freaked on on someone who complained about something, “Can’t you do anything besides BITCH?!?” Literally, my cheese slid off its cracker and I completely lost it… I did explain myself later, of course. It’s just that I hear so much of it. My neighbor bitches about how badly her husband treats her, how much they fight about it… It’s as if he wants a Stepford wife and she wants to be an independent working woman. If you’re both so different and it’s causing this many problems after, what, 2 years of marriage, why the fuck do you stay with him, hoping he’ll change? You know he won’t (they’re a bit younger than me) so instead dump all your shit on me. And Morticia dumps enough shit on me for dozens of people… Yet when I have a problem and need to vent a bit, I have no one, except you, dear readers. As a matter of fact, just the other day I needed to vent and Morticia made sure she had to get off the phone right away. Then why should I listen to your bitching and crying? You can’t listen to mine… Not even when I needed to vent a bit because my dog was so ill I thought this might be the end for her… I’m still not sure. She’s not doing well…

I just want to put on some good relaxing tunes and drown out the world for a few days… I really think this is what I need to do for myself. No calls, no texts, no social media, no nothing. I just need to go into hiding because I feel like the whole world has gone fucking stupid around me and I don’t know how to deal with it. I could, of course, call my therapist, but I don’t know if he’d really understand the magnitude of what I’m talking about, here. Probably not… I think he thinks I’m completely nuts…

Honestly, I think a lot of this is just due to it being Christmas time…

Have you ever watched the show Family Guy? I believe it’s the Christmas episode of season one… I have an online friend whom I’ve never met, never spoken to on the phone, but she tells me that every time she sees that episode, she thinks of me. Why…? Because the mom, Lois, is so happy and cheerful despite everything going horribly wrong because she’s going to make sure her family has the happiest Christmas ever! Until Christmas Eve, that is… The turkey catches fire and the only one home to put it out is the family’s talking dog who, at first finds himself armed with a joke fire extinguisher the father bought before finding a real one. So the dog is burned, the turkey is ruined, the kitchen is a disaster, but Lois is unfazed… until she’s told there’s no paper towels… This is the part where she completely loses her shit, and flips on her family, claiming they think all this good will just falls from the sky before informing them, “Well it DOESN’T! It falls out of my holly-jolly BUTT! So you can cook your OWN damn turkey, wrap your OWN damn presents and while you’re at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to HELL!” before she jumps out the already broken window and storms off. Later the kids ask if she’s coming back and father states that the question is, if she’s going to act that way at Christmas, do they even want her back… When Christmas comes rolling around every year, I am Lois, LITERALLY… There’s just something about this holiday that makes me completely lose my shit if the slightest thing goes wrong or gets said or taken out of context. So it’s entirely possible that my issues as of late are all due to Christmas getting closer and my stress levels rising. Who knows…

And right now I have a touch of the flu… So I can’t finish any shopping, I can’t work on any of the now 3 commissions I have because I don’t want to get flu germs on the papers… And honestly, I’m just not feeling well enough to do it. Plus with sick pups (Baxter caught whatever Miko has), I’m kind of stuck not having much time to deal with much of anything. I give the fuck up. Christmas can skip my house this year…