Hey, hey, hey… C’mere… Lean in close; I have a secret I want to whisper to you… Wanna know how to make someone with mental and mood disorders even crazier than they are…? Make them distrust all doctors. Every single fucking one of them…

Ever since I had that bad experience with that osteoporosis injection, I’ve found that I’m literally terrified of doctors. All doctors… I feel like I can’t trust any of them anymore. Just the other day, I had to go get my repeat bloodwork done that I had been putting off for obvious reasons. I realize she was just a nurse and she was only taking blood (and a urine sample because people thought I did the one in the hospital correctly while I was in pain and hopped up on pain killers), but she was a medical professional and just the thought that she would be doing something for and to me sent me into a massive state of anxiety. Thankfully I had to pee extremely bad when I got there so she had no idea (my little dance hid my anxiety quite well) but on the inside I was freaking the fuck out.

Later in the day, I had an appointment with my shrink, which I thought would be alright. I’ve had so many over the years because a lot of them were complete dipshits. It took years and a lot on his part to earn my trust at all in the first place. I figured when you considered that, I would have no issues going to his office and going through with my appointment. But I did… I had a certain level of anxiety just going there. And as for the usual chats we have every time I see him… I felt like he didn’t really care how my life was going, what was going on, how I was feeling and he was distracted, like he just wanted to get me the fuck out of there. In fact, he started doing something on his computer by the end of the session, so now I’m not sure I trust him…

His suggestion, which I’m not saying is bad, is to start seeing my psychologist again… It’s not a bad idea but, again, anxiety over seeing doctors…

And I currently wouldn’t feel so shitty if I wouldn’t have felt dismissed as I did the other day… Things have been really rough. I still haven’t been feeling well since that fucking injection. My rheumatologist keeps blowing off my questions I have by continuously using her bad acting skills to tell me she never heard of these things happening with this medication, she’ll do some research and get back to me. First of all, you should research medications BEFORE you inject your patients with them. Besides, it’s all just a ruse… It’s been nearly a month and for all the times I’ve called her, she hasn’t researched shit and has never gotten back to me, nor has she answered any of my questions. I don’t even trust my sister, the nurse practitioner, anymore. The internet tells me one thing about this drug, she tells me another. WHICH IS IT?! Who is lying to who?! Are the drug companies lying to the doctors? Are the doctors lying to us?! I just don’t know anymore!!!

To make matters worse, I’ve called three different lawyers to see if I could sue the doctor for malpractice. After all, I was not given any information on this drug, not even the name until the moment I was going to be injected with it, so I had no time to weigh the options as to whether I wanted it or not. One office in a very unprofessional manner, never returned my call. Another I had to call a second time and the receptionist was quite terse with me. I eventually got an intake person who listened to my entire story before telling me they couldn’t help me, didn’t say why, but told me I should report her to the state medical board. Yeah, a slap on the wrist will do wonders… It sure in the fuck won’t help me pay the huge hospital bill, will it…? The third, again, made me waste my time by telling my entire story before telling me they couldn’t help me, but she at least told me it was because these were all known side effects of the medicine and suggested I report her to the state medical board or keep calling lawyers…

And so I feel like everything and everyone is completely and utterly fucked… I feel like I’ve developed a severe case of PTSD from this entire experience. Worse, it’s as if my PTSD has PTSD… I don’t feel like I can trust any fucking body with any fucking thing any fucking more…

And so i’m venting to you, dear readers, because I don’t know what else to do. I literally want to go on the warpath and start punching everyone I encounter, but that will simply land me in jail and what will that accomplish? Well… I suppose it would help me release some of the rage, the feelings of betrayal, that I’ve been feeling. Will I feel better in the long run? I know you’re all out there saying no, but in reality it probably would, at least for a short while.

At this point I think it’s time I admit defeat… There aren’t going to be any lawyers that will help me sue this negligent doctor for any reason. It’s almost as if they have each other’s backs somehow. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, but it’s all bullshit and we know it. Still, after getting rejected this many times. I think it’s safe to sat there isn’t a lawyer arming that’s going to be willing to take on my case because they’ll think I knew what I was in for when I honestly didn’t. I seriously didn’t even know the name of the stuff until she went to get the vial out of the box. And I still have to ask her what the fuck it was called. For all I knew, she could have been injecting me with some sort of toxic fluid. But I still have so many questions and literally no answers from anyone. Hell, even the doctors and nurses in the hospital didn’t know what the fuck this stuff was I got in jetted with… And the statute of limitations had been exceeded, so I can’t jump onto the bandwagon of the civil lawsuit against them… Yippie…

And my birthday is in 2 months (from today). I’m turning 50 this year… Ugh… That’s adding insult to injury, isn’t it? I wasn’t going to do anything, but I’ve been saving up some money and I think I just may throw myself a party for the hell of it. My neighbor is a deejay, I’ll see if I can get a discount. I’ll have people bring a dish and we’ll party retro style. And I’ll get myself a bottle of Moët & Chandon and enjoy a $50 bottle of champagne for my 50th birthday. Why the hell not… I guess we’ll wait and see…