I admit, I’m not a very positive person and, more often than not, I have really low self esteem. It’s difficult for me to view my life, my world, as something good and happy for longer than a few hours, maybe a day or two at most.

I should have seen this downward spiral coming…

Without fail, every time I get happy about something going on in my life, it’s inevitable that my bubble is going to burst and everything that has been making me happy and making me believe my life is finally going in a positive direction backfires and blows up in my face. Every single fucking time! Was I cursed by some weird ass gypsy or something when I was a baby?! Was I that horrible a person in a past life that karma has it in for me and decided that I was to be dealt the shittiest hand in life?! My life is like playing a game of five card stud where you get dealt absolutely nothing, so you keep the best card you have and take four from the dealer in the hopes of getting something. But, instead, those four cards you just got from the dealer are just as shitty as your original cards and you immediately fold. That’s literally every event in my life in a fucking nutshell. It’s all one big bad hand of five card stud…

So let me bring you up to speed… Last time I wrote about the commission I was doing, my client didn’t like the color choices. She wanted one more like the original (this one, the post that started it all). So I made a new one like this only better and she loved it! I charged her $60 USD, which she was fine with and it was a done deal!

Except there was a pretty big issue… Shipping costs have gone way up since COVID and she lives on the other side of the globe. It would cost $60 to ship it to her! I couldn’t ask her to pay so much and that was the cheapest method! She was understandably downhearted, but said she was sure I would find someone else who would want to buy it. I couldn’t have that… She was my first real commission, my inspiration to do something with my art, the reason I snagged another commission… And she loved it so much… I really wanted her to have it, so I offered to pay half the shipping. She was very grateful, but concerned that I wouldn’t be making money off of it. I assured her I would be, just not as much as I would have been. What I didn’t tell her was that I was only going to be making $30… I know that’s extremely cheap for my work, but I know she wanted it so badly… And who knows? It may get me more work! If it does, I’m adding in the shipping costs…

Currently Hippie Girl is on her journey to Australia… I do hope she gets there fast and in one piece. I hope this is the beginning for me, a way to sell my work and make some money. I’m super excited about the idea, to be honest! No one has ever wanted my work before… So now I’m going to branch out, open some online shops and see where it takes me. I’ll never know until I try, right? Things were looking up!

I also had decided to throw myself a 50th birthday party…I wasn’t going to celebrate because I don’t want to be 50. Then I realized I was looking at this all wrong… Yeah, I’ve lived a half century. But I should be looking at it like I’ve lived a half century! Not everyone gets to do that! Besides, for the first time in my life, I wanted a big party. I’ve never had a big party at a relatively nice place. And all the smaller parties I had flopped. I decided this time I was going to have a big shindig that was going to be amazing! I spent a lot of money to rent a rather nice hall, rented my DJ neighbor (who gave me a great price), I have people who offered to bring dishes and my mom is making food, my one friend is helping decorate, make a game and help with centerpieces, we’re having cool hats and 80’s slatted sunglasses with LED lights… And booze!

But, as usual, there isn’t anything enjoyable that Morticia can’t shit on… She was home sick yesterday and called as I was addressing the envelops for my custom invites (I designed them) and we were talking about the party. Now, just a few days before this, she had made a comment about things she was going to ask the DJ to play and I told her I wasn’t allowing requests, they were all at the mercy of the old lady’s playlist. She got snippy, “I’m not at anyone’s mercy, I’ll just go somewhere else.” You know what? Then just don’t fucking come! It’s my party! I didn’t see her forking over $250 for the DJ (it’s a great discount for 4 hours)! I chose 70s and early 80s tunes from when I was growing up, so I’m sure everyone will like something. I don’t like country or rap, fucking deal with it! Yesterday she was freaking out on me because I paid $400 for the hall and a $50 custodial fee but I have to take out the garbage and make sure the place isn’t in shambles, I’m getting ripped off. What the fuck does she care?! It’s my money paying for this! She gets free food, free soda, free entertainment… The only thing she has to pay for is her own booze because I’m not paying for that (except my champagne). And people have been funny since COVID and have different rules and want hazard pay for shit like cleaning now. What the fuck does she care what I spent?! I was glad when I got off the phone… Besides, I had a lot to do and told her so…

So I got all the invites addressed and ready to go to the post office, I got a lot of work done on some commissioned drawings (I’ll get to that) and just as I’d put things away for the day, doesn’t Morticia call because she’s “bored”… Excuse me, since when was I put on this Earth to entertain you?! It’s not my fucking job, you know… I love the mindset… “Oh, Jackie doesn’t work; I can call her and talk to her all day because she has nothing better to do than listen to me bitch!” Um… no… I’m working on a story I’ve been writing, I had to address invites, work on commission drawings… I was very busy! I do have a life outside of her. I made quick work of that conversation…

I did have to call my “best friend”, M&M yesterday about the party… That made me feel worse. She seemed all for it, told me put her down for bringing pretzels, but right before we got off the phone, she said she couldn’t really commit to anything because her mom was getting her second knee replacement and she was certain it was the day of my party. I told her my party was a Saturday… She said it was either that day or the following day. I told her the following day would be Sunday. She still wasn’t catching on. Either she’s dumb or thinks I am. Scheduled surgeries are done during the week, even I know that. Everyone knows that… I have a feeling she’s going to blow me off on my birthday again this year like she did last year. And, if she does, we’re done being friends…

By that point, I’m feeling like absolute shit… I’ve got one “friend” who feels the need to control everything when this is my day, my party and my money paying for it and I’ve got another, my supposed “best friend” who blew me off last year on my birthday and never gave me a reason, just that she had “things to do”… Really… You were supposed to be doing things with me… But hey, nothing is so bad that your mom can’t make it worse. Not if she’s an asshole like mine.

About 2 weeks ago, she had asked me if I could draw a picture for a young girl she works with. Her birthday is this Thursday and she loves anime. She said she’d pay me for it. I’m thinking, “Yes… you will…” The woman robbed me of a future. If she wants art, she’s paying like everyone else. Anyway, the girl couldn’t decide between three characters and said I should decide. The manga boards I made them on aren’t very large, so I decided to do all three. Though the styles are simple, it still takes time to ink and color these things. So last night I was talking with my mother and asked if she could pick them up today (my back is out right now). She said she would and she would pay me right away… She figured $10 each, so a total of $30… I never wanted to rage on anyone so hard in my life! By the time I’m done, I’ll have spent probably 30 hours on these fucking things! That’s a dollar an hour! I wonder if she’d like to get paid so little…

And here I sit, dear readers… feeling unloved, unappreciated, untalented, and just like the world’s biggest loser in general…

I’m having serious doubts as to whether or not a party is a good idea… Like I said, every party I’ve ever tried to have had been a tremendous flop. And with the kind of mood I’ve been in (depressed, resentful), I don’t know that I could enjoy myself anyway. I was so happy and excited not too long ago. Now I’m feeling very apprehensive and down about the entire thing.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow… I was going to go see him, but my sacroiliac joint started acting up again on Friday. It’s difficult to walk and the only way to calm it down is to rest. So I’m going to have to change it to a Telehealth appointment. It’s not a big deal, but I really wanted to get out of the house and out of my head for a while. But it’s just not a wise idea. Walking, sitting, turning… Anything can set off the pain and set me back in my healing further. It doesn’t matter as long as I get the appointment in. I have a lot to say and I think I need to get a lot of things off my chest at the moment. He needs to get me feeling chipper again before my party or I’m going to be the only party pooper there…

So, dear readers, please send good vibes that I get out of my funk, that my party goes well and that I enjoy myself… I need this.