Hello, dear readers (if there are any of you left)…

When I first started this blog, my intent was to write about random shit that comes into my brain that just makes me wonder and overanalyze things I shouldn’t be analyzing at all (that happens more frequently than you think) or just whatever I happened to feel like writing about that particular day and wanted to get the fuck out out my head. But at some point the dynamic severely changed and it turned into this mini dramatic soap opera about Morticia and my miserable existence dealing with her and her fucking special brand of crazy… That wasn’t what I wanted. That was never what I wanted. This blog was supposed to be entertaining in its randomness and goofiness, not just me bitching paragraph after paragraph. I hated what she was doing to me and never realized she had, essentially, turned me into her… Now I was bitching all the time and she was always the subject.

I don’t even think I realized what was happening, to be honest… At least not until several days ago. I hadn’t been feeling well late last week (it was either stress or my blood pressure was tanking again, thanks zoledronic acid), but I had a party to attend at the home of my friends, we’ll call them Roger and Tom. Roger is like my own personal ray of sunshine that breaks through the gray clouds and shines down on me. He says that’s what I am to him, but maybe we just feed off each other. I remember when he met Tom and I first met him, I told him to keep this one. Now they’ve been married several years. Better people never existed. I love them both so much and I needed this party as stress relief and uplifting. But Morticia called that morning, venting like no one has ever venting over the same old shit like usual. I told her I had no idea why she worried so much about what people thought of her, especially because in this case, they wouldn’t think badly of her, it would be another person’s error, not hers. She went off on such a tangent, my stomach was in in such pain. I was afraid I’d end up at the ER instead of the party. But I pulled myself together, took a Klonopin and went. I had the most marvelous time and realized I want to have that feeling all the time. My friend Jade had told me about this iPhone feature called focus where the only calls or messages that get through are the ones you allow (all these years I had an iPhone, never knew you could do that). So I set it up and my phone was blessedly silent!

I kept in only the most important people, like my mom and her sponge boyfriend (she had a triple bypass almost two years ago and he’d had a heart attack before that, so I need to keep them in there just in case), my weird ass sister (just in case of emergency because she never gets in touch with me otherwise) and a few others. Morticia did not make the list and neither did Anakin who has been blowing up my phone lately because he found out he had gout…

You know, I’ve had it… Between Morticia complaining about all her issues, a cousin who messaged me out of the blue to bitch about his arthritis and now Anakin bitching because he has to take medicine for gout, I was losing my shit… I’ve been on psych meds for over a decade, I’m on cholesterol meds, vitamin D because I’m deficient, had a dangerous injection to help my bones… I have osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, early onset emphysema and early onset aortic stenosis, which means my aorta is starting to calcify, which you don’t see until people are 70 and I’m only 50. I’m aging prematurely because of losing my ovaries and it blows. And if my aorta goes… Well, I either get a pig valve or I die. Fun times! I’m terrified, but I don’t talk to anyone about it (until now). Do they really think I want to hear about their petty issues?! Even when I tell them what’s wrong, they still act like my issues are nothing and they’re worse off. I’m done… So I silenced the noise from almost everyone.

Before I silenced my texts (I didn’t know you could silence certain apps), I got a message from Morticia on Monday, the day I went silent, asking if I was okay. I waited almost the entire day to respond before I told her I was fine, I was just taking time to myself, that my phone was constantly ringing and pinging so much that I was neglecting things I wanted and needed to do (drawing, painting, writing, writing back to my uncle, practicing my guitar) and that I needed to take some me time, it was just something I had to do right now. She hasn’t seemed angry about it… yet… But this is only the start of the third day. I’m waiting for her to crack.

As for me… I feel FREE!!! Yes, dear readers, I feel fucking free! No more getting calls a half dozen times a day because she’s bored just to listen to her bitch about the same fucking things over and over again… No more wasting my precious time listening to things that aren’t my circus or monkeys… No more waking up and immediately having to decide what I’m going to try and accomplish in the short amount of time I have before she starts harassing me all day long… Now I’ve been waking up and having no fucking idea what I’m going to be doing that particular day. I’ve been sleeping a lot, though. I think I’m catching up on what I’ve missed from being stressed the fuck out…

Now I can concentrate on more important things… Like this goober, here… This is Roxie! She’s an 8 year old rescue Corgi my friend was going to foster. She had her one night and the poor thing was so scared, she hid under the bed all night. She knew I wanted another corgi, so she immediately texted me. She brought her up the next day and Roxie was instantly at home. I’ve had some issues with her that I’m trying to break her of… She came from a puppy mill, she was a breeder. In her 8 years, she had 16 litters, the poor thing. She has some bladder leakage issues sometimes, she sometimes gets in fights with Baxter and, on rare occasions, Miko. She gets along fine with my cat Sebastian, but not Haiku because she’s scared shitless of the dog and then Roxie takes advantage and nips at her. The cat hasn’t come downstairs in over a month… But she’s a sweet, loving dog. I don’t want to give up on her. I just need her to understand what’s not tolerated and she’ll be okay. I hope… She deserves a good home.

I’ve also started drawing again… This is my latest work in progress. Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate graphite drawing? No…? Well, now you know. It’s not that I can’t, I just fucking hate it with a passion. All that shading and blending… And I always make the outline of the hair, which I know I shouldn’t do, but I hate to lose detail, which I will if I don’t. Not that I would if I used a lot of blending and shading, mind you. But I would lose sight of where it needed to go as I was working if I didn’t have the outline. What a bother… Still, I think she looks pretty nice so far. I’m going to work on the body soon. I’m sure I’ll post a picture of the finished work if I like it. It just feels good to be working again! I haven’t been doing much of anything lately (who has the time with Morticia constantly taking up all their time?) so I decided to do something time consuming and a bit grand. something a bit out of my comfort zone…

And, of course, I’ve been spending time this week practicing on Constantine… I felt bad; I lief to my instructor. He asked how my practicing went last week and I had to tell him it went well and I redirected him elsewhere. I couldn’t tell him I have this asshole friend who won’t leave me alone long enough to practice and I did nothing…

I love my instructor… We never really did all the basic crap because I taught myself a song in the two weeks between when I got Constantine and when I had my first lesson (it was “Wishing You Were Here” by Chicago). I can play any instrument I pick up, to a point, because I play by ear, and my instructor is the same, though he had some lessons on certain instruments. I taught myself piano and started teaching myself guitar. It’s only now that I’m learning what chords really are and mean and remember which is which. He gives me a new song almost every week! And yes, I was crazy to start with a 12 string. Go big or go home!

So this is what I’ve been doing for the last almost 3 days…

I have other things I need to do as well. I need to respond to the letter I got from my uncle… He turned 80 at the end of April. He and I have been writing letters back and forth for years, now. Sometimes it takes him a while, his arthritis can get bad some days and he has fibromyalgia, so it may take him days to finish one letter. But that’s okay. It gives me something to look forward to! Mail is always the same: bills, ads and junk. The only time you look forward to going to your mailbox is if you ordered something and that’s not good enough. I like getting letters, reading how his garden is doing, what he’s been up to… And I like writing back what I’ve been up to. I can be more open with him in a letter, but I can be more open with him in general. He’s very much like me and I can really be myself with him. I think today I’ll write that letter I’ve been putting off since I now have good news… Besides, it gives him something to look forward to in the mailbox as well, right? Yes it does… Personally, I think we should all bring back this lost art of letter writing. Life is too full of technological shit. Letter writing is an art form that should be brought back!

As you can see, I’m definitely feeling more like myself…

This is not my baby bearded dragon, by the way… It belongs to someone else, but it was plopped on my shoulder while I was writing to Google because they’re complete fucktards, signed me out of my main account on my phone and now I can’t get the fuck back into it and I’m pissed as shit. Next thing I know, Bobbie was plopped on my shoulder. I don’t mind her… She’s actually kind of cute. I’ve pet her, held her… Then I suddenly had her on my shoulder. Okay then! She was really content there, so I left her for a while. When I had to get her off my shoulder, I was taught how to pick her up properly. So I’m learning a lot about bearded dragons. I was never a girly girl… I don’t have issues with weird things like reptiles, amphibians and bugs. I just dislike spiders and stinging insects (because I’m allergic to the latter). It was kind of fun hanging with Bobbie!

In closing, dear readers, I’m so sorry for all the bitching I’ve done and the mini dramatic soap opera I’ve put you all through for such a long time… That’s not what I wanted this blog to be. That’s not normally who I am and that’s certainly not who I want to be… I apologize for everything.

That being said, since I’m weeding out the negative vibes, the energy vampires, I hope I can start providing you with the crazy, random posts that were my intention to provide you with in the first place. No more of the bullshit… It changed me into a person I wasn’t liking and, had it continued much longer, I think I would have lost friends and the few of you who actually read the drivel I write. I don’t want any of that to happen. So I’m taking my life back… I’m taking ME back… To those of you who stuck with me through the rough times, thank you for putting up with my shit. I promise, better days are coming! Wait and see!