Silly Adult… Decision Making Is For Grown-Ups…

For all intent and purposes, it actually is hilarious that I’m legally an adult when you take into consideration recent events…

Much as I hate to admit it (and will deny it under certain circumstances), I’m going to be 51 this year. I’ve walked this Earth over a half century. And in that time, I have, for the most part, raised myself as I had shitty parents who had little to no interest in me and what I did. Like everyone else, I faced some difficult decisions that could have been life altering in detrimental ways, but I always made the right choice in the end. Did I make some minor mistakes along the way? Sure I did; no one is perfect. Did I learn from them and not to make that same mistake again? You betcha! Did it alter my life in detrimental ways? No… Those decisions I was always smart about. I was never one to make such life altering choices with my heart. I always took out the emotional equation and thought things out logically and made the choices that were in my best interests. I was never really equipped to make choices any other way.

I’m guessing this will be expected from me soon…

As I’m sure you’ll remember (if you’ve been following my blog for a while), my mother comes up every Friday afternoon for a few hours to visit. The last few weeks haven’t been the greatest visits, I can tell you that… And this past visit was a fucking disaster… Giving me advice is one thing, but if I’m not asking for it, don’t give it. Don’t push your ideas and hatred of someone off on me as if you expect it will suddenly change my perspective of that person, as if I’ll suddenly see the light and shun that person just as you did. And then to get nasty and snippy when I try to explain my point of view… You better know that shit is going to be coming right back to you, especially because you’re in my house. If you don’t agree with me, that’s all well and fine; you don’t have to. But you will not get nasty and snippy with me about it in my own home or I will tell you to get the fuck out and I don’t give a shit who the fuck you are…

That goes for half, steps and those that are close enough

The heated discussion with my mother was about my brother. Didn’t know I had one, did you? Well, technically he’s not legally my brother as my mother never married the Sponge (his father) but common-law marriage was still a thing back then and they were living together long enough to be considered as such, so technically he is my stepbrother in that aspect. I also have an actual step brother and sister, but that’s a story for another time… Anyway, he was the reason for the heated discussion a few days ago. My mother has known for some time that he was planning on moving back to the area because I thought it only fair to tell her. She and the Sponge have been estranged from him for quite some time. There’s a lot of bad blood between my brother and the Sponge, so I felt it best she know he was here just to be cautious. I didn’t want there to be any accidental run-ins between the two of them and her not being prepared. It could get extremely ugly and no one wants that, believe me…

So my brother, I’ll call him TJ, is about 7 years my junior. His father, the Sponge, moved in when I was 12 (nearing 13) and TJ was 5. TJ had a horrible life… His mother was a useless piece of shit that made it clear to him she liked her daughter from some other guy better than him. The Sponge got him every weekend, of which he left TJ with his parents (they were a real fucking prize, let me tell you) so he could be at our place and be a shitty not wannabe father to me. He would sometimes bring TJ over for a few hours, but it wasn’t even that he didn’t know how to be a father; I don’t think he wanted to be one in general. And so, as TJ grew older, he started acting out. At first it was small thing, then bigger things as he grew older. You know, kids… if they’re not getting any attention at all, they’ll get it in any form they can, even if it’s negative, because at least someone is seeing them, someone is paying attention, someone knows they exist… TJ and I had different ideas on that aspect. He was so desperate for the Sponge’s attention that he began going through mine and my mother’s things, began stealing some of our things (weird things, but I chalked it up to curiosity about girls because it’s not like the Sponge ever had “the talk” with him), called my mother a bitch and a whore to her face (okay, I’ve said nasty things to her face, but those things I kept in my brain). And he got beaten… I’ll never forget; I was 17 and I could see out the window… The Sponge had TJ down on the walk out in the front of our house. TJ was only 10. He was in the fetal position, crying, as the Sponge repeatedly punched him. I didn’t know what to do. The Sponge had been reported for abuse before when TJ went to school with bruises and black eyes, but he always got out of any charges. And had I called the cops, then I would have faced his wrath as well as my mother’s. That was something I didn’t want. Unlike TJ, I liked it better when they ignored me. It was better than the physical abuse from my mother and the verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse from both of them. I tried to stay low on their radar; TJ did not. Any attention was good attention in his book, I guess…

When TJ first sent me a Facebook friend request, I was leery… I hadn’t spoken to him or seen him in well over a decade. My mother had found out and told me to ignore it, claiming he only wanted to know the whereabouts of her and the Sponge. This seemed utterly ridiculous to me as the last time I’d seen TJ, he was wary of me even though I was kind and friendly towards him. I accepted his request anyway and we’ve been chatting that way for the past several years. He apologized for his misdeeds back in the day when he would steal things from my room, which I was able to forgive him for. I’m old enough now to understand why he did such things. I also learned a lot about the psychological damage the Sponge inflicted on him. It runs so much deeper than it does in me, which I expected, truth be told. Honestly, I’m not sure how he survived all these years without taking himself out… But he and I are of a kind. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. And, I suppose, we’re both waiting for the day that the Sponge just keels over. I don’t think either of us want to miss that. It’s the same way I feel about the sperm donor that is my other parent…. You don’t want to miss that day so you stick around just to see it.

So… TJ moved back to the area from the state he was living in at the beginning of the month, Unfortunately, the room that was supposed to be available for him to rent when he got here wasn’t available (he’s been getting the shaft from these people ever since). Unfortunately I don’t have room at my place to accommodate another person, but Morticia does and she was nice enough to take him in. But it’s been a month and the asshole that’s supposed to be renting him the room is still giving him the run around and is talking to him in an unkind fashion when he calls to inquire about said room. I’d like to help him, mainly by confronting this asshat face to face and giving him what for. TJ is a little timid after growing up as he did with the Sponge as a father, as you can imagine. But I take confrontation as a personal challenge. And this was what began the discussion between my mother and I on Friday…

In a nutshell, she doesn’t want me helping TJ because she thinks my helpfulness will be misplaced. In fact, she doesn’t want me to get involved with him at all… She was actually getting rather nasty and snippy about it when she gave me her reasons: he went through my stuff, he stole from me… I reminded her that he had done the same to me as well and reminded her that she was the one who told me that children will seek out negative attention because it’s better than none at all and that’s probably why he did those things. Still, she said she can’t forgive him. I asked if she thought people couldn’t change and she said she didn’t believe they could… So I asked her about the Sponge, did she think he changed? She said he did, but let me tell you, absolutely not! He may have mellowed a little, but he’s still a horrible dick fuck… And besides, if we’re supposed to judge our current views on people by their past experiences, I would have stopped speaking to her and the Sponge long ago… Between all the abuse I received, the fact that she forced me to work Saturdays at her part time job and kept my wages, stole my money when I was out of high school and had a job, lied and manipulated me to get me to stay home so I could get a job to help her support the Sponge instead of going to college… Having her get arrested in front of me at 22 because she was passing bad checks at the grocery store, lying to our boss about where she was and where I was going when I had to bail her out… If we’re judging by past deeds, I should have cut them loose decades ago.

And it seems the Sponge really hasn’t changed any… My mother made mention Friday that he had said something towards me and that, “He just doesn’t understand”… It took me a while to get out of her what was said. Apparently he’d told her he felt I was “making too big a deal” out of this thing with my back, that I’m 50, I should act 50. He’s allowed to act old because he’s in his 70s. Ass fuck, you’ve been moaning and groaning every fucking time you get up out of a chair and you literally have nothing physically wrong with you other than being fucking fat! And you’ve been moaning and groaning since you were 50, so fuck off! I have good reason! Going through surgical menopause makes me (internally) about the same age as him, which made my already bad knees worse, gave me osteoarthritis in my spine (to go with the slight scoliosis) and osteoporosis which is worse in my spine. I know he didn’t say it as nice as my mom put it, but hey, at least my MRI “made it real” for him… I guess I should feel privileged…

See this picture…? It’s my brain, currently… It just keeps mulling things over in my head like a person running on the symbol for infinity and getting nowhere fast. Actually, I think it’s more like running on a Möbius Strip…

So I’ve been having all these thoughts running (like this sadly trapped person running and going nowhere fast) through my head for days. And I realized something. IT’S NEVER GOING TO END!!! Until they’re both gone (hopefully they go before I do), this will never end! After all these years… I’ve been out of the house for over 25 years, I’m going to be 51 this year! My mother needs to stop trying to manipulate me and the Sponge just needs to keep my name out his mouth! I’m not a drug seeker or a hypochondriac! I waited 4 days to go to the ER for my back and I went on Christmas Eve! I wouldn’t have done that had it not been excruciating, moron! And my mother… Considering her checkered past and the fact that she chose and abusive sponge over the safety and mental well being of her 12 year old daughter… Well, you’re not exactly in the position to be giving advice, especially the unsolicited type…

My bestie always finds the best gifts! .

I can’t tell. you how many people have said, “You wait… You think you won’t cry when your mom passes away, but I know you. You have a close relationship with her. You’ll cry…” Aside from the fact that I’m a sociopath and I’m not very emotional because I just don’t have that capacity to be overly emotional… I’ve always said I won’t cry. I didn’t cry when she went in for her triple bypass… Part of me was expecting her to die, to be honest. I was prepared for it. But when you get right down to it, I won’t cry because I’ll finally be FREE! Free to enjoy the silence, to not deal with the manipulation, to not have to deal with the Sponge anymore (when she’s gone, he’s on his own). No more unsolicited advice and getting pissed off that even at my advanced age, she still feels the need to argue her side, thinking I’ll cave and give in to make her happy. You’d think after almost 51 years she’d realize… She was a shitty mom. There was so much damage done that not even therapy seems to be able to undo a lot of it. I don’t care what she wants… I’m capable of making my own decisions and she needs to stay out of it. If I make a mistake, oh well, it’s mine to make. Hopefully it’s not a big one, that’s all…

Wake Up…

Archangel Michael from *Angel Sanctuary*

“Wake up…” It’s the first line spoken in the Angel Sanctuary anime and something I’ve been hearing in my head for the last few days…

I know I don’t really divulge much about myself. You know what I want you to know. I’m still trying to figure out why the fuck I let you all know how old I am, but eh, what the hell… I mean, I do tell you quite a lot of personal things as far as my interactions with friends and family, I’ve divulged my name really isn’t Jackie… Although I have wanted to do a legal name change for years. For $500 and a lot of red tape, I could have a name I like instead of the one I have and hate. But at this age, I’d have a difficult time getting people to use my new name because they’re so used to the one I’ve had… And you know I have ADD moments because I totally got off track… My point is that I never share more intimate details of my life. You have no idea if I’m involved or single, do I have offspring or not (fur babies do not count as actual children, but they’re a nice substitute), if I have a torrid past, if I should be on an episode of Snapped… I can assure you I don’t need the latter just yet, haha! I’m not that crazy! Or am I…? Haha, nah, I’m just fucking with you! I’m just a half bubble off center, that’s all. I’m the fun kind of nuts that can be embarrassing to be around at worst. I think that’s just something that’s inherent in the artistic mind. My friend Jade is like that, also. Maybe that’s why we were online friends over 20 years and why when we met in person the first time we clicked so well.

At least they didn’t change my eye color in this one…

So I came across this “What Would You Look Like As A Hippie” generator on Facepuke and this was the first of I think a half dozen pictures that came up… Geez, if I wasn’t wearing my glasses and added a few more highlights to my hair, this would be me every day, haha! Well… minus the flowers in my hair. I don’t always do that… And this was one of the few that didn’t change my eye color. I realize gray-green hazel is a weird color, but why do computers feel the need to change that to blue?! My eyes are gray-green and I’m proud of that! I love my eye color, leave it alone! Damn it!

I actually found the entire thing comical because every picture it created with my face looked like my every day look… You’re not showing me what I’d look like as a hippie, you’re just showing me what I see in the mirror, haha! Seriously, it was pretty funny, being a hippie type already.

But back to the subject at hand… I really need to stop having these ADD moments…

I still don’t want to divulge too much about the intimate parts of my life, but the other day, I finally woke up… For years I’d been resenting my mother for not allowing me to go to college and become the animator I always wanted to be. But the other day I realized something… I know that, had I had that opportunity to pursue my dream, I wouldn’t have the things I currently have in life. They may not be much, but what I do have were things I found just as important if not more important that my dream of becoming an animator. So did I really miss out…? Yes and no… Who’s to say if I’d have followed my dream that my life would have been a happy one? And I’d choose happiness over a dream career any day. A dream career might make you happy, sure. But it’s more important that you be happy in life in general. Your career isn’t your life nor should it be. You need to have a life outside of that and if that’s not fulfilling, then you’re doing this all wrong. You’re also then my sister, haha! But that’s a story for another time…

Makeup brought to you through the magic of Corel Painter…

Well, I finally sucked it up and, despite the pain I was in, I went for a stroll around Target after one of my doctor appointments the other day. I hadn’t been out except to see doctors in almost 5 weeks and I have to have a driver because of my back, so I treated myself to a much needed pair of headphones…

Which brings me to something else I’ve learned through all this self discovery (because really, I’m finding you do a lot of that when you’re stuck on the sofa 24/7). When I went through a long period of my life dealing with the death of a friend, the sudden death of my brother-in-law and the long illnesses and eventual death of two family members, I realized something… I knew I was hyper focused on everyone else because they needed me. There was no time for me to waste on things as useless as mourning, falling apart, crying… It was over five years until I finally did break down and cry and I think it was more from relief that everyone was fine and I wasn’t needed anymore. But what I didn’t realize until the other day was how much I isolated myself. I’d heard the song “Cake By The Ocean” and thought it was a fairly new song. It’s 8 years old…

Aside from the fact that I thought an 8 year old song was a brand new one, I also got into a discussion one day when the song “Jump” came on the radio and it was mentioned Eddie Van Halen died… WHAT?! I literally called bullshit on that one because I didn’t hear about it. So I whip my phone out, I Google Eddie… Son of a bitch, he fucking died! Not only that, but he died back in 2020 (not from COVID) and I have no idea where the fuck I’ve been the last almost four fucking years that I didn’t know this… It’s as if I’ve been on autopilot and just going through the motions for the last, what, 8 or 10 years? I don’t know if it was because of all the shit that was going on around me, the shit I was having to deal with or if I was in such a depressive state that I literally just shut the fuck down, but I was on another planet…

But enough about my being asleep… Let me update you on my back situation…

If a doctor ever says, “Hey, we can inject some shit into your back and it should take away your pain”, DON’T BELIEVE THEM!!! Well… Okay, I’m not saying they can’t work, but they hurt like a fuck to get, my doctor didn’t tell me my leg would be completely numb for hours (I fell getting out of the car when I got home and couldn’t walk)… In fact, my leg was fucked up for about 3 days before the pain in my back was better and the pain in my hip started becoming so bad that I eventually landed in the ER to make sure I didn’t break something and didn’t feel it right because of the injection. I was in so much pain, they did an MRI, which they don’t normally do through the ER, and what you see on the right is what they found. So two herniated discs and pinched nerves… Ouch…

I made an appointment with the spine ortho surgeons (I go on the 30th) I was referred to. I was also referred to physical therapy and you know those vultures already called. Fuck them. It hasn’t helped in the past. And I’m waiting to see what the doctor wants before therapy goes messing shit up. Without knowing what the doctor says and what he wants, the PT knows nothing, but a lot of them think they do and it pisses me off. I also contacted my pain management guy (the one who did the injection). He also looked at the MRI and had the nurse call me back to tell me the doctor said he believes an injection in the L3 area would get rid of my hip pain… I told her, “HELL no!!!” Literally, I did, haha… Sorry, witch doctor, you’ve lost one of your voodoo dolls… Right before he injected me, I asked if it was going to hurt and was told he found people generally tolerated them well. Who the fuck ARE these sick people?! Because they HURT!

And so this is where I’m currently at…

I already know how this will play out… They’ll want me to do PT which has done nothing in the past and the PT will made nasty, snide remarks if I can’t do some of the exercises because it’s too painful. They’ll try to give me painkillers, which even opiates don’t help and I refuse to take on the regular. Then it will be another injection (fuck you, that fucking hurts too much) which will cause no end of trouble because the steroids it hops me up and makes my mental state all fucking goofy, either manic or anxious. And if all else fails, they might suggest surgery. For how many people I know who have had back surgery and say not to have it done, it makes you wonder if you should. There are pros and cons in everything, but back surgery is pretty terrifying. Still, if it’s either that or living with this kind of pain and walking with a cane for stability and taking pressure off that nerve, I would consider it.

New Year, Shittier Me…?

Hello, dear readers! I’m sorry it’s been such a long time since you and I have chatted… Sadly, I haven’t been in the best of health these last few months. It seems quitting smoking and having much less nicotine than I used to has severely screwed up my system and I’m trying to get everything back to working the way it was. That’s what happens when you get old(er). You change one little thing and it throws a kink in the works and it all goes haywire.

But I digress…

For the past 3 weeks I’ve been laid up on the sofa with my back, that sacroiliac joint again. The pain was so bad, nothing, not even Vicodin, was helping. I couldn’t be on my feet 5 minutes without feeling I was going to throw up and would wake up yelling from the pain. I finally gave up and went to the ER Christmas Eve for pain relief. I also was referred to a spine doctor who is giving me an injection in a few days. Fingers crossed it helps…

But at least Christmas wasn’t a total disaster as I thought it might be… The hospital didn’t keep me as I feared and I was so overly medicated I didn’t feel too much pain for days (as you can clearly see by my face). And I got my blanket hoodie from the Big Blanket Company that I wanted! This is the most awesome thing ever! I know everyone wondered why I wanted it, but last year the power (and electric heat) went off for 17 hours over the 23rd-24th and it went down to -17 degrees Fahrenheit. The electric here goes out on sunny days for no reason, so yeah, it was a good investment. Plus it kept me warm and made me feel nice and comfy and secure while my back has been completely fucked. Plus it has a built in sleep mask! Seriously, this thing is fucking amazing! And I have decided that I live here now, hahahaa! No seriously… Unless I’ve has to go out somewhere, I haven’t left my blanket hoodie… It’s a really nice place to hide from the world.

All in all, it wasn’t bad… I mean, I couldn’t go anywhere, so everyone had to come here… But I got to see and hold my great nephew (he’s only 2 months old) and give him his present. I got to give my foster corgi, Roxie, her first holidays (and she just got to play in her first snow). I got some amazing gifts for people I couldn’t wait to see them open and I got some amazing gifts that I was more than thrilled with. It was all great, minus my not being able to move well and still being a bit stoned from the ER trip…

The only downside to this was my sister… Ever since the time around my birthday party, she’s been acting odd with me. She ignores my calls, my texts… Now I know her; if she’s pissed at me about something, she won’t tell me. She just won’t talk to me ever again and leave me wondering what the fuck I did instead of being a grown up and talking to me about it. And she’s 5 years my senior! In any case… I had been texting her (since she never answers her phone) telling her I did get gifts for her and her boyfriend, how did they want to approach Christmas? Especially after my back went out, there was no way I was going anywhere, they would need to come here. But I heard nothing. Not even my mother heard anything from her until Christmas Day. I finally got a text the day after suggesting 2 days later she could come up in the morning, but it would just be her because her doctor boyfriend’s schedule was crazy with the short week…

I’ve made some observations of her doctor boyfriend and none of them are good (the consensus of the rest of the family as well). He pursued her not long after her husband passed away, he’s the one that talked her into selling her house to buy a pretentious one that was more to his liking (as he was not divorced yet, he couldn’t buy shit). Last Christmas, he sat here at my house constantly checking his watch as if hoping it was time to go. He did the same at my 50th birthday party, was such a crab ass the entire time and was so rude to my guests. My sister said dit was because he was on-call and the patients were giving him a hard time. Then why didn’t he let her come alone so she could have fun instead of sitting there doing nothing like she did? And they left mad early… Now he didn’t come for Christmas and I’m wondering if he even knew she came alone…

I’ve never had a close relationship with my sister and, after her husband passed away, things were looking up. Now it seems that’s all shot to hell… Her boyfriend is a true narcissist. He’s manipulative, he’s isolating her from– well she didn’t have any friends, really– but from her family… That’s what they do so no one can warn the person of the type they’re involved with. Not that she’d listen anyway, but she should. I’ve dated around a lot, which I always thought was one thing she should have done and never did. She jumped into her relationship with her late husband when she was very young and he was 16 years her senior. It really wasn’t ideal like she thought. Now she’s with this asshole… Honestly, I’m of the mindset, “when in doubt, fuck”… There’s nothing wrong with casual relationships with no ties between consenting adults as long as you’re safe about it.

So, back to my back… I saw the spine doctor last week and I never wanted to punch someone in the dick more in my life than I did that day… I know you need to move things and push on my back, but you don’t need to push so hard you’re trying to push me through the table! Just 2 weeks before I was in so much pain I was yelling when I woke up and I was in extreme pain all the time and this assclown is pushing on my back that hard… Anyway, apparently there’s some abnormality in the surface of L3, probably chronic (no, ya think?! It’s only been going on for 12 years!!!) and I tested positive for this sacroiliac issue… I’ve done therapy, it didn’t help. Muscle relaxers do nothing because it’s not a muscle issue and the strongest pain killers do nothing (one of my psych meds is a pain killer, I didn’t know that). So the next step is an injection in that joint and we see what happens. I’ll know more after the 12th when I get it. Wish me luck!

In the meantime, while I’m sofa bound and weighing the pros and cons between getting up and sitting on the toilet (which really hurts my back) and peeing myself (which would hurt considerably less), I at least have more things to keep me occupied than binge watching TV. This was one of my Christmas presents! I’d been looking for this elusive version of this album (not the reprints) for decades! They didn’t print many as it didn’t do well, so trying to get your hands on one was damn near impossible. But someone finally ended my search! Look how beautiful! And the vinyl looks like it’s never seen a needle… Virgin vinyl! I literally squealed and freaked out for a good 15 minutes over this! It’s all mine!!!

I’ve been sitting on my ass too long… Since it’s the weight bearing part of my back, sitting and standing hurt. So I think I’ll put on my album, lay down and relax a bit… Happy New Year, dear readers!