There’s A Reason Jackie Is Blue…

Oh, see what I did there…? That play on words? No, I’m not proud of that; it’s pretty bad, actually. But, dear readers, there is a reason I have been blue and- well- flat out bitchy lately. So it seems “blue” is not just part of my song title name; it also seems to be the color scheme of my life the past few months. Lucky me…

But I’ll get to that in a moment… First I need to talk about this new watch face Apple came out with! Isn’t it crazy?! It’s like some bitching rainbow neon sign! I’m a sucker for rainbows… Not because of all this “pride” shit. Don’t get me wrong, I support my gay friends, but I think society is taking things to extreme. And I just want rainbows to be rainbows again so I can sport them without people thinking I’m gay or a huge supporter. I’m an artist; I just really like colors! Especially lit up colors like this! It also comes in other various settings of multiple colors that are almost as fabulous!

So as I said, “blue” seems to be my theme color… I’m even listening to Joni Mitchell’s Blue album…

For about two months, I haven’t been feeling very well. No matter how much I sleep at night, I’m tired as fuck and I’ve been sleeping most of my days away lately. At first, I blew it off. It was allergy season and I usually sleep more during allergy season. But when I started sleeping away entire days and was doing this every day, I knew something was wrong. I had to get bloodwork done for the cardiologist anyway, so I decided to ask my GP to throw some extras in there to check vitamin levels, my thyroid and do a urine test. The one and only time I had a UTI, they caught it by chance. I had literally no symptoms except being tired a lot. So I had all my bases covered and got the tests done. Everything came back normal (or normal for me, anyway) except one of my thyroid results… My T3 was fine and was consistent with all my past results. My T4, however, had dropped. Now, all labs have a different version of “normal” ranges. My lab’s low and of normal was .61 and my level was .6, so not low. But if you look at past results, it took a nose dive. We’re talking from low .8s to .9 all the way down to .6, which is quite a drop. And actually, most labs consider my prior results to be the low end of normal, so… But the PA who ordered it and my nurse practitioner sister thought that, because my TSH levels were normal that I was fine. But if you look at those past results, the chart looks like a roller coaster how it goes up and down.

I’ve been trying to get a hold of my GP since last week to talk to him about all this and I finally got to talk to him this morning. I’ve been doing some research about having low T4 levels and normal TSH levels. It can mean you have secondary hypothyroidism (your pituitary stops sending signals to your thyroid to produce hormone). And I have a lot of the symptoms… When the doc called today, I told him I was concerned about how I was sleeping, that the AC was bothering me a lot (everyone else is still sweating, I’m freezing). The first thing he asked is if I thought it was my thyroid and what were my levels. He looked and said they weren’t that low, but I pointed out they had a drastic drop from past tests and my past TSH tests looked like a roller coaster. I told him about some of the other symptoms (gained 10 pounds in two months without any lifestyle changes, my eyebrows have fallen out, other weird things). He decided to put me on a low dose thyroid med and is going to retest me in a month to see how I’m doing. Fair enough. I’m glad he’s listening…

I didn’t get to mention my new bear, Hemingway… Yes, I know; I need a Build A Bear intervention… But he’s worth it. For every one bought, they donate money to programs that help kids read. I’m all for that!

Anyway… I’ve been feeling I’ve been getting dismissed by doctors a lot as of late. I’ve known something wasn’t right for quite a while, but this type of hypothyroidism comes on slow. Even I dismissed some of the things for other issues (like the eyebrow loss, maybe it was part of being post menopausal). I’m happy I might have found a solution to my issues and I’m not nuts… But I’ve also had a bigger issue for the past two months that has been dismissed as my IBS. It’s not usually a symptom of hypothyroidism, but it can be. And I’m hoping it is, to be honest. I can’t keep spending so much time running and having things run, if you catch my drift. It’s been like that at least once a day for the past two months! That’s not normal for me and I want it to stop…

My eldest niece invited me to her pool party next month. I’m not sure exactly why I’m going… I was going to wear the string bikini I bought (for no reason other than it was retro looking) but after seeing how bad my jelly belly has gotten, I decided I wasn’t going to go at all. But she was so excited I was coming for some reason, so I bought a one piece instead. Thing is, I’m still unsure about this… I don’t like her new fiancé. He’s the quintessential yuppie douchebag who sucks up to everyone that he can. They bought this huge new house in an affluent neighborhood and, last time I saw my niece, she had become a stuck up snob like my sister and my other niece. She was never that way before; she was more like me. So I’m not sure now is a good time for me to be around people like that.

So when it’s not excessively hot like it’s been for the past week and a half (Christ, this heat wave has been awful!), I’ve been trying to spend time in my backyard, trying to clean some things up and figuring out what I want to do with it. As you can see, the maple trees (aside from the one I planted when I found it as a wayward seedling) have decided to take over quite literally. I don’t particularly care… I hate that shed and have since I moved here. It’s too big for the yard and I don’t use it. It’s also starting to fall apart and I don’t want to maintain something I don’t use. Honestly, it would be more useful to me to get rid of it and build a pergola, put some string lights up, plant some ivy to grow on it… Set some nice furniture under it and make it a nice meditation area… The creek runs right behind where the shed is, so it would be a lovely place for it. It would be very peaceful, hearing the water run like that. Now I just need help to tear the shed down…

I also found this gem to put up in the back… Isn’t it beautiful? I wanted to start making my outdoor space nice again. I won’t lie; I’ve been really down for a while and I’ve been so damned tired that I had zero motivation to do anything to get the yard in shape this year or even make an attempt to try and make it a pleasant place to spend time. But I’m really trying to change that… Spending time in nature really gives me a good lift to my spirit that I desperately need right now.

However, the past week and a half no one has done much of anything… The entire country has been suffering this horrible heat wave of temps that have reached damn near 100 degrees (Fahrenheit) with heat indexes well over 100 degrees. Needless to say, we’ve all been better off staying indoors with the AC on and staying out of the sun. I don’t even want to take my dogs out and will wait until the last possible second to do so.

Well, dear readers… Keep me in your thoughts, send me some good, healing vibes. Cross your fingers and hope that this medication the doctor is giving me is going to help me to start feeling a lot better very soon. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can stand feeling this shitty…

Until then, I’ll continue to regale you with randomness and weirdness and updates on how yours truly is doing. Hopefully the next time I write, I’ll have better news for you and I won’t be so damn tired that I can’t keep clear thoughts in my head like now… I’m pretty befuddled when I write lately, which is why I haven’t been doing much of it. I haven’t been drawing or painting, either. I’ve just been binge watching TV and sleeping because it’s all I feel I can do. Sad, I know… So start sending those good vibes ASAP! I really could use them!

And She/Her Said…

So I went shopping over the weekend at this little consignment shop in a neighboring town that I absolutely love. I can always find some rare, interesting treasure in that shop that I absolutely must have and exhaust all my will power to not scream, “TAKE MY MONEY!!!” like a fucking lunatic and buy everything I see.

But on this particular trip (with a hostage I’d brought along for company), I found a gem that literally made me groan and roll my eyes… There, hanging up for display, were buttons (the pin kind, you know), all of which had different things printed on them: he/him, she/her, they/them, etc… I turned to my shopping hostage and said, “Oh look! Now you can wear your pronouns like labels! No one needs to ask anymore! How convenient!” And I said it a bit louder than I intended… because I’m fifty-fucking-one… I’m losing my hearing and don’t know how loudly I’m speaking half the time. I’ve also reached that age where I no longer care what the fuck I say 99.9% of the time. But I believe I offended the owner’s girlfriend (the owner being female also) and I didn’t mean to make her feel as if I’m against them being lesbians. I’m fine with that. But this pronoun shit?! Just no…

And this actually took me back to the weekend before when I’d spent time with a long time “friend” of mine. I don’t don’t if I’ve mentioned her before, so we’ll call her Roberta… There’s a history of falling outs between she and I, most because she began acting like she was better than me once she had finished college because I never went and because at some point she felt the relationships we were both in at the time were a competition even though I made it clear I didn’t want the same commitment this guy did. Yet she still felt she had to one up me. She’s weird… Anyway, our last discussion had started out pleasant, we were laughing and talking as we always had in the past and it was nice. Or it was until she suddenly changed into the “I’m better than you” mode and conversation turned to the politics of one of the biggest controversies in the world today, that being should we give children hormone blockers or give them hormone treatments to help them change themselves to appear as the opposite sex as what they were born… We did not see eye to eye on this subject. And this was where the issues started…

You’re probably wondering what the fuck my cat, Sebastian, has to do with this… I made an entry quite some time ago about his needing PU surgery because he could no longer pass during through his urethra because it’s so narrow through a cat’s penis. He kept getting blocked up and the only solution was to lop his knob off and reroute the urethra so he pees like a female, but he’s male. Essentially my cat had gender reassignment surgery to save his life… Look, I’m a hip cat mom, whaddaya know…

But that’s just it, isn’t it? These kids that want hormone blockers, that want hormones, at such a young age… They don’t know their assholes from their belly buttons yet. They don’t know who they are as a person, don’t feel accepted and feel so lost. But then here’s the trans community… They’ll accept you, with open arms, of course. It will only cost you your gender. But hey, what’s giving up what makes you you as long as you’re accepted, right? It’s not like you can’t reverse it, right…? Well… not everything… You can repair some things, but you’ll never be the same again, so you better be damn well sure this is what you want.

And then there are the wannabe “hip” parents… It’s trendy to have a trans child! Who doesn’t want one? So let’s groom our precious little miracle into thinking they were born into the wrong body so they can mutilate themselves and we can look hip and trendy by default! No… It doesn’t work that way. And, despite what Roberta thinks, “If they don’t start giving them hormone blockers or hormones, do you know how many of them will commit suicide?!” Do you know how gigantic an idiot you sound like when you say shit like that?! Listen, teens are going to self-harm and try to commit suicide no matter what for various reasons (I know, I tried it myself back when I was 16). But it always comes down to the same reason… They feel they don’t belong, feel isolated and unloved, like no one understands them. It’s not just because of “gender dysphoria”… It’s because they’re teenagers! That’s just how they’re made! But she began spitting all this shit out all this shit at me… And she made sure to tell me she has a trans friend. Good for you…I have two gay friends,, what’s your point? I’m not homophobic or transphobic. I just don’t believe we should allow children under eighteen to make this decision.

Hahahaa… Someone please try using this at work

And, much to Roberta’s dismay, I don’t believe you’re being supportive by asking people their pronouns… I’m a grammar nerd; you only have certain choices in my book. If you’re a man or you look like a man, you get he/him. If you’re a woman or you look like one, you get she/her. Unless you have multiple personalities, there’s no way in hell I’m using they/them. You’re one person, singular… I refuse to use a plural pronoun for a single person because all the rules of grammar would haunt me (again, unless you have multiple personalities). And all these new pronouns people are making up? Just fucking no… So that’s where I stand. I’m cool with who you want to be, but don’t expect me to ask your pronouns. I call them like I see them.

So… now you know where I stand. I’m not transphobic. I just don’t think minors should medically transition because they’re not mentally mature enough and I’m pretty set on pronouns. What do you expect? I’ve been told I should have been an English teacher… I can’t help it…

I never did update you, dear readers, on how I’ve been… I guess because I’m just trying not to think about it and just going day by day (like the song here, see?) or I’d lose my marbles… The doctor’s appointment I had the day all the shit with Anakin began was to return a heart monitor I had to wear for 48 hours. I’d also finally scheduled my 6 month lung CT that I’d been putting off for a month. But Memorial Day really must have been one helluva celebration for medical staff. It took those fuckers a week and a half to post my results to my online chart and/or call me about them. The nodule in my lung has not grown any (thank god) which is a good sign that it’s just a funky nodule and nothing to worry about, but I still need to go for regular CT scans. That sucks… Now my heart monitor results… The nurse called and I never heard anyone so eager to get off the phone. “You had some rare, irregular beats in the upper chambers of your heart. No treatment is needed. Have a nice day.” What?!? I quickly said, “Wait! So… am I healthy?!” She just said yes, I didn’t need treatment and got off the phone. What the fuck… Great bedside manner…

Well… I got nothing from Nurse Ratched… I have a stress echo coming up at the end of the month, so I guess we’ll see what happens then. Sadly, the only person who ever gives me real answers is my cardiologist (and I don’t like this new guy, I miss the one who retired), but I don’t see him until November… Now, I was told when I saw him last to call in May for an August appointment because they don’t schedule that far ahead. Well, I was there in May, so I made the appointment and the soonest I could get in was November! I thought they didn’t schedule that far ahead… I really wish they’d make up my fucking mind, I really do… This is such fucking bullshit! It’s no wonder I need a fucking cardiologist, but they’re the idiots putting all this stress on my heart at the moment! Ugh… But that’s okay… I have my beautiful flower bed to work in and fuss over to help me relax an, you know, get cut to shreds in from the roses…

I also took up making hippie dippy bracelets!

Aren’t they pretty? I’m actually pretty proud of myself that I managed to do this myself! I decided that if other people could do it, why couldn’t I? So I went on Amazon and bought a bunch of these beautiful, natural stone beads and some of this polyurethane elastic thread to string them with. The bad part was that I bought 8mm beads and I thought they were a bit too big for what I wanted. So back to Amazon and I ordered all the same types (plus one extra one) in the 6mm. They were the exact size I wanted! The morning Anakin showed up at my house unannounced, this was what I was doing; I was relaxing and making bracelets. Or I found it relaxing until he showed up, anyway…

But this leaves me with the issue of what to do with all the 8mm beads I have that I didn’t use. I happen to like the flower jade (bottom right) so I decided to order more of that size so I have 108 of them plus some special beads, including two white jade lotus beads, so I can make a mala and a matching bracelet like I saw advertised on Facebook for “free”… Nothing that pretty is free. I didn’t trust it, but since I found the lotus beads, I’m making my own. I hope it works…

And apparently I’m a fashion influencer, hahahaa…

I had someone go out of their way to approach me Saturday to tell me she loved my necklaces… I’ve had people do this for my jewelry, my glasses, my outfits… I never know how to respond. I was the girl who got bullied all through high school because I was too poor to afford the latest fashion. I still don’t spend a lot of money on my stuff; I just buy what I like. I did then, too. But now I have people go out of their way to tell me how much they love whatever I’m rocking and I don’t know how to react… Compliments are something I’m unfamiliar with. I just smile uncomfortably and say thank you with as much gratitude I can muster while trying to figure out why they’re doing this and since when am I something to admire… Imagine, Jackie Blue: Fashion Influencer, hahahaa! At 51, influencing the young. Scary…

Have A Hippy Dippy Day!

Hello my lovelies! It’s been a long time since I’ve written (again), but I had quite a lot going on since the last time we talk, you and I…

Wow… I actually look good in this picture. I certainly don’t look 51… However, I noticed that, after I had to have a tooth extracted and they pretty much overdosed me on some heavy duty shit, I’ve been looking like shit… I had that done a month ago and I swear I turned into a fucking zombie after that. I look like I just crawled up out of the grave in every picture. Should I be surprised? Not especially; not after what I read about the medications they gave me. First was generic Versed. It’s supposed to help you relax or sleep before a surgical procedure and block your memory of it (I woke up and have my memory of what happened when I did). It’s also in the same class as benzodiazepines, which means they should not have told me it was okay to take my Klonopin before coming in that morning (like about an hour and a half before I got the Versed). I suspect they gave me a little extra when I woke up as the doc was poking my tooth… They also gave me Fentanyl for the pain, so I was literally a zombie and slept all fucking day. I was severely overdosed and I don’t think I ever recovered from it…

I’ve been hit by, I’ve been struck by, a Smooth Criminal…

I’ve been very stressed (partially because of this tooth business) from some shit going on, so I decided that I was going to start working on my house and get shit back in shape! Yeah… that motivation didn’t last long. But I did get the front of my house looking nice anyway, so it’s a start. And in the process of, I found why I was running out of birdseed so quickly. Look closely… There’s a smooth criminal in my arborvitae! I couldn’t be mad, though… Look how cute and fluffy he is! I watched him from my front door for a long time, thinking he was all slick and shit, when I had him in my sights the entire time, hahahaa! It was quite comical! He was literally sneaking around like some kind of squirrel ninja, assuming I couldn’t see him and I took a ton of pictures of his not so stealthy ass! I have to hand it to him, he has style and balls! That alone deserved a treat. So to save myself on birdseed and give the little bugger something more befitting, I went to the grocery store and got him some peanuts in the shell that I threw out in the flower bed. He seemed very pleased with that and has been leaving my feeder alone since.

Soon after the squirrel incident, I happened to notice that my azalea went completely berserk! Literally! That poor thing was a sad piece of work for so many years… Soon after it started growing, the lummox who reads the water meter stepped on it and busted it in half (and never told me he did it). I was heartbroken it was busted and pissed that the clumsy oaf did it and never said a word. So for years it didn’t grow and would occasionally bloom a few flowers. Imagine my shock to see this in my flower bed! I mean, just look at it! I have no idea when it decided to start growing or when it decided to all of a sudden bloom. Just one day I had these gorgeous magenta flowers all over the place! It’s still only part of the original bush… I assume the other part, though still attached, died off at some point. But this one part is such a trooper that, not only did it manage to grow, but it grew out really far! Damn! Imagine if the whole bush had grown… I’d have a fucking mess!

Since everything was looking so nice, I had the flower bed weeded (by someone else, I can’t do it myself anymore), potted some flowers my mom gave me that she had extras of (bottom right corner of the picture) and bought a new garden flag as my dog one was sadly very faded and had more than a few holes in it. I really like this one… It definitely suits me and it matches the dark brown screen door and shutters… I also put out my Temu watering can (see previous picture) with the fairy lights that I just love… And if you think my flower bed looks nice in these pictures, you should see it now that the pink tea roses and my red roses have bloomed! Good heavens, I have blooms all over the place! The tea roses are the worst… Years ago they decided to start growing up through the arborvitae, so now it looks as if the damn thing blooms pink roses! Actually, it looks really pretty, so I just leave it. But how things have grown so crazy when no one else’s does, I have no idea. I’ve never given them fertilizer…

I’m often baffled as to why we have “Welcome” signs… Better yet, why do I buy them?! I really need one that says “Go Away” or “Fuck Off”…

For several weeks, now, Anakin has been driving me up a wall… He lost his job (and is on unemployment) and has bee constantly calling me to whine and complain about the job he lost, the circumstances he lost them under, the fact that he can’t find another job and how much he hates his current living situation (which is with people he knows that are old enough to be his parents). It was like listening to a male Morticia… I’m finally free of her calling me to constantly bitch, now it’s like her mouth just sprouted on another body. Half the time I didn’t answer my phone because I just couldn’t deal with it. I wish I wouldn’t have answered it the day I did… He told me he was getting kicked out of the place he was living at and made some not so minor reference to offing himself. Believe me, he meant to worry me…

So after my doctor appointments that day, I had to pick his dumb ass up (his car wasn’t running right) and get him out so he didn’t stew in things. I took him for a walk around our old home town, partly because I didn’t want him at my house, and partly because I thought the nostalgia would help put things into perspective. It’s not the same place it used to be… Once we walked those streets like we owned that town. Now we’re just old farts taking a walk. He’s not the only one feeling his age; it happens to everyone. Sometimes, when I see this old lane, the one I knew since I was a baby, I cry. Once only my family lived on it; now none of my family does… My great grandparents bought all this land, now everything is so built up around it, it’s frightening. But change is inevitable, I suppose… And I guess that was what I wanted to get across to Anakin. Except when he was living with his parents to help care for his dying father, he’s lived with friends who have families. It’s as if he glomps onto these people, tries to write himself into the picture, because he doesn’t have a family of his own. It’s not right and it’s not fair to these people. He chose to not marry and have a family. That’s his own problem, no one else’s…

Good lord, I look awful… This was after I got that tooth pulled, hence my not smiling (it’s too close to the front and my smile is off). I’ve looked washed out and gross since I was heavily drugged. And my neck still looks old…

Anyway, moving on… This was Friday before Memorial Day and I was with Anakin for 6 hours before I was finally rid of him. The next day, he called me… I don’t know why I picked up, I really don’t… More bitching and bellyaching. When the call dropped, I was glad until 30 seconds later when there was a knock at my door. Guess who…? He stayed for fucking 8 hours!!! He never asked if he could stop in or even alluded to the fact that he might. He was pacing around my house, picked up a letter I had on my coffee table the my uncle wrote me and started reading it, then he went out in my kitchen and started going through my meds reading off the names on the labels asking what they were and what they were for!!! He’s never been that fucking rude! I have no idea what the fuck was in his head that day, but I was fit to be tied! Who the fuck does that shit?! And I’m sure he knew I was irritated because he kept asking me if I was okay… Big no…

Holy shit, the first time I didn’t get sunburn…

The next day was such a nice day, I decided to go to the zoo (and amazingly didn’t get a sunburn for once). But it wasn’t just because it was a nice day or because I wanted to be out in nature and among animals… I wanted to avoid Anakin for a day. Which I did, with the exception of a phone call and some texts…

But then Memorial Day came and guess what… You guessed it, Anakin again… I couldn’t help it, I completely lost my fucking shit on him. I’d be surprised if the whole town didn’t hear me flipping shit on him for invading my privacy, intruding on me, not calling the place I told him to call to get a place to stay (the same place my brother lives at has two rooms available) and much as he still denied it and said he called the guy, I told him I know he didn’t because I’d stopped there after the zoo and asked him myself. Then he tried saying maybe he got the number wrong or his phone was fucked up and I freaked on him about that. None of those were the issues! He just doesn’t want to live on his own because he’d much rather glomp onto someone else’s life and write himself into their lives and families! And even after all that, he had the audacity to sit here and waste 6 hours of my day! And still didn’t think I was anything more than peeved! Unbelievable!

And so, I did the best thing I could have possibly done for myself… I walked down into the creek that runs past the back part of my yard and, cold as it was, I stood in that icy water and just breathed…

Ever since I was a little girl, the creek has always been a sanctuary for me. We had one that ran through our property when I was growing up and I was forever in it no matter if it was warm enough or not. I would often go sit on the monstrous slabs of slate and think or just let my mind wander. It was almost like meditation, I suppose… Even now, at my advanced age, allI need to do is step into that water and I’m instantly at peace with everything. I guess that’s why, even though it was too cold, I decided I needed to go in the water (barefoot, of course). That cold, running water helped wash away some of the stresses of Anakin and I felt more like my hippie dippy self again… Perhaps I’ll have to build myself a place to sit near the creek down by my house…

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