Hello my lovelies! It’s been a long time since I’ve written (again), but I had quite a lot going on since the last time we talk, you and I…

Wow… I actually look good in this picture. I certainly don’t look 51… However, I noticed that, after I had to have a tooth extracted and they pretty much overdosed me on some heavy duty shit, I’ve been looking like shit… I had that done a month ago and I swear I turned into a fucking zombie after that. I look like I just crawled up out of the grave in every picture. Should I be surprised? Not especially; not after what I read about the medications they gave me. First was generic Versed. It’s supposed to help you relax or sleep before a surgical procedure and block your memory of it (I woke up and have my memory of what happened when I did). It’s also in the same class as benzodiazepines, which means they should not have told me it was okay to take my Klonopin before coming in that morning (like about an hour and a half before I got the Versed). I suspect they gave me a little extra when I woke up as the doc was poking my tooth… They also gave me Fentanyl for the pain, so I was literally a zombie and slept all fucking day. I was severely overdosed and I don’t think I ever recovered from it…

I’ve been very stressed (partially because of this tooth business) from some shit going on, so I decided that I was going to start working on my house and get shit back in shape! Yeah… that motivation didn’t last long. But I did get the front of my house looking nice anyway, so it’s a start. And in the process of, I found why I was running out of birdseed so quickly. Look closely… There’s a smooth criminal in my arborvitae! I couldn’t be mad, though… Look how cute and fluffy he is! I watched him from my front door for a long time, thinking he was all slick and shit, when I had him in my sights the entire time, hahahaa! It was quite comical! He was literally sneaking around like some kind of squirrel ninja, assuming I couldn’t see him and I took a ton of pictures of his not so stealthy ass! I have to hand it to him, he has style and balls! That alone deserved a treat. So to save myself on birdseed and give the little bugger something more befitting, I went to the grocery store and got him some peanuts in the shell that I threw out in the flower bed. He seemed very pleased with that and has been leaving my feeder alone since.

Soon after the squirrel incident, I happened to notice that my azalea went completely berserk! Literally! That poor thing was a sad piece of work for so many years… Soon after it started growing, the lummox who reads the water meter stepped on it and busted it in half (and never told me he did it). I was heartbroken it was busted and pissed that the clumsy oaf did it and never said a word. So for years it didn’t grow and would occasionally bloom a few flowers. Imagine my shock to see this in my flower bed! I mean, just look at it! I have no idea when it decided to start growing or when it decided to all of a sudden bloom. Just one day I had these gorgeous magenta flowers all over the place! It’s still only part of the original bush… I assume the other part, though still attached, died off at some point. But this one part is such a trooper that, not only did it manage to grow, but it grew out really far! Damn! Imagine if the whole bush had grown… I’d have a fucking mess!

Since everything was looking so nice, I had the flower bed weeded (by someone else, I can’t do it myself anymore), potted some flowers my mom gave me that she had extras of (bottom right corner of the picture) and bought a new garden flag as my dog one was sadly very faded and had more than a few holes in it. I really like this one… It definitely suits me and it matches the dark brown screen door and shutters… I also put out my Temu watering can (see previous picture) with the fairy lights that I just love… And if you think my flower bed looks nice in these pictures, you should see it now that the pink tea roses and my red roses have bloomed! Good heavens, I have blooms all over the place! The tea roses are the worst… Years ago they decided to start growing up through the arborvitae, so now it looks as if the damn thing blooms pink roses! Actually, it looks really pretty, so I just leave it. But how things have grown so crazy when no one else’s does, I have no idea. I’ve never given them fertilizer…

I’m often baffled as to why we have “Welcome” signs… Better yet, why do I buy them?! I really need one that says “Go Away” or “Fuck Off”…

For several weeks, now, Anakin has been driving me up a wall… He lost his job (and is on unemployment) and has bee constantly calling me to whine and complain about the job he lost, the circumstances he lost them under, the fact that he can’t find another job and how much he hates his current living situation (which is with people he knows that are old enough to be his parents). It was like listening to a male Morticia… I’m finally free of her calling me to constantly bitch, now it’s like her mouth just sprouted on another body. Half the time I didn’t answer my phone because I just couldn’t deal with it. I wish I wouldn’t have answered it the day I did… He told me he was getting kicked out of the place he was living at and made some not so minor reference to offing himself. Believe me, he meant to worry me…

So after my doctor appointments that day, I had to pick his dumb ass up (his car wasn’t running right) and get him out so he didn’t stew in things. I took him for a walk around our old home town, partly because I didn’t want him at my house, and partly because I thought the nostalgia would help put things into perspective. It’s not the same place it used to be… Once we walked those streets like we owned that town. Now we’re just old farts taking a walk. He’s not the only one feeling his age; it happens to everyone. Sometimes, when I see this old lane, the one I knew since I was a baby, I cry. Once only my family lived on it; now none of my family does… My great grandparents bought all this land, now everything is so built up around it, it’s frightening. But change is inevitable, I suppose… And I guess that was what I wanted to get across to Anakin. Except when he was living with his parents to help care for his dying father, he’s lived with friends who have families. It’s as if he glomps onto these people, tries to write himself into the picture, because he doesn’t have a family of his own. It’s not right and it’s not fair to these people. He chose to not marry and have a family. That’s his own problem, no one else’s…

Good lord, I look awful… This was after I got that tooth pulled, hence my not smiling (it’s too close to the front and my smile is off). I’ve looked washed out and gross since I was heavily drugged. And my neck still looks old…

Anyway, moving on… This was Friday before Memorial Day and I was with Anakin for 6 hours before I was finally rid of him. The next day, he called me… I don’t know why I picked up, I really don’t… More bitching and bellyaching. When the call dropped, I was glad until 30 seconds later when there was a knock at my door. Guess who…? He stayed for fucking 8 hours!!! He never asked if he could stop in or even alluded to the fact that he might. He was pacing around my house, picked up a letter I had on my coffee table the my uncle wrote me and started reading it, then he went out in my kitchen and started going through my meds reading off the names on the labels asking what they were and what they were for!!! He’s never been that fucking rude! I have no idea what the fuck was in his head that day, but I was fit to be tied! Who the fuck does that shit?! And I’m sure he knew I was irritated because he kept asking me if I was okay… Big no…

The next day was such a nice day, I decided to go to the zoo (and amazingly didn’t get a sunburn for once). But it wasn’t just because it was a nice day or because I wanted to be out in nature and among animals… I wanted to avoid Anakin for a day. Which I did, with the exception of a phone call and some texts…

But then Memorial Day came and guess what… You guessed it, Anakin again… I couldn’t help it, I completely lost my fucking shit on him. I’d be surprised if the whole town didn’t hear me flipping shit on him for invading my privacy, intruding on me, not calling the place I told him to call to get a place to stay (the same place my brother lives at has two rooms available) and much as he still denied it and said he called the guy, I told him I know he didn’t because I’d stopped there after the zoo and asked him myself. Then he tried saying maybe he got the number wrong or his phone was fucked up and I freaked on him about that. None of those were the issues! He just doesn’t want to live on his own because he’d much rather glomp onto someone else’s life and write himself into their lives and families! And even after all that, he had the audacity to sit here and waste 6 hours of my day! And still didn’t think I was anything more than peeved! Unbelievable!

And so, I did the best thing I could have possibly done for myself… I walked down into the creek that runs past the back part of my yard and, cold as it was, I stood in that icy water and just breathed…

Ever since I was a little girl, the creek has always been a sanctuary for me. We had one that ran through our property when I was growing up and I was forever in it no matter if it was warm enough or not. I would often go sit on the monstrous slabs of slate and think or just let my mind wander. It was almost like meditation, I suppose… Even now, at my advanced age, allI need to do is step into that water and I’m instantly at peace with everything. I guess that’s why, even though it was too cold, I decided I needed to go in the water (barefoot, of course). That cold, running water helped wash away some of the stresses of Anakin and I felt more like my hippie dippy self again… Perhaps I’ll have to build myself a place to sit near the creek down by my house…