Growing up is optional…

So as I sit here, listening to Smashing Pumpkins (yes, I’m old), typing this, I’m thinking back on all the things that prompted me to want to make today’s entry. Well… aside from the fact that I am growing old… It seems the last few months that everything has been painfully reminding me of that fact (annoyingly so). But I think what really prompted this was my visit with my mother last Friday. I asked when she was planning on retiring and she said probably never as she couldn’t afford it and informed me probably not until she went into a nursing home… I reminded her that she’s going to be 75 in October, to which she replied, “I know I’m going to be 75!” She sounded offended… She told me she didn’t feel 75 and was getting around fine. She is, I won’t deny that but… Jesus Christ, my mom is going to be 75! When did that happen?! When did she grow so old…? Worse, she’s taking me down with her and I don’t like it…

Yeah, I’m sharing a picture and I haven’t been doing that because I gained a bunch of weight in unflattering places because of my thyroid, hence the old lady suit top… Anyway, I think this kind of started when I went to the pool party my niece and her fiancé threw (where this was taken). My sister was also there with her boyfriend. Now, granted, my sister is five years my senior and we don’t look like we came from the same gene pool at all (but we did). I can’t tell you how many of their friends told me they thought I was one of their friends and had no idea that I was my niece’s aunt until she told them. To be fair, I never allowed either of my nieces call me Aunt Jackie. I was 18 when my oldest niece was born and felt too young to have that title. Even at 21 when my youngest niece was born, I still felt the same way. I was always just Jackie. They know I’m their aunt… But the others at the party, they had no idea. By the end of the night, I had a lot of people calling me Aunt Jackie and I was the cool aunt there that they wanted to hang out with. I’m not sure if that was good or bad to be honest… Cool Aunt Jackie… Ugh. It just made me feel old. I was just being me, enjoying myself and suddenly I’m some old fart relative that all the young hipsters decided to adopt. What the actual fuck…

I don’t know if I mentioned this before (so I’m sorry if I’m being redundant), but my sister texted me a few months ago with a link and the text, “Did you see this?” Of course I hadn’t; I’m a bit of a recluse in certain aspects. The link was for the news that Duran Duran was playing a concert locally! She had seen them as a teen, she was 17 or 18 I think. I would have been 12 or 13, too young to go along my mother felt, so I never got that chance. When I checked out the link, the first thing I asked was if she wanted to go (excitedly). She said she was thinking about it. I told her I’d go with her if she wanted to go and we should do this! Needless to say, she bought tickets when they went on sale and man, were they expensive! Back when I was a teen, concert tickets were $20-$30. She paid $209 each! What the actual fuck?! So do the math… That’s a 600% increase! That’s not inflation; it’s highway robbery! I was joking they better not come out with walkers, “Th-th-th-th-the Reflex…” (sung in an old person voice) and made a lot of people laugh… But honestly, I was only half joking. She paid that much per ticket to see a group who last had a new song, what, back in 1992? Something like that? It was right after I graduated, I remember that… But their real success was in the 80s, particularly the early 80s. Man, that makes me feel old… And you know all the people there are going to look the part. Old, gray, fat, bald… And they’re going to dress the part. Not me… My hair isn’t gray; I don’t look old. I planned on getting some colorful eyeshadow and rocking my usual look.

Just last week I was in the car and had the radio on… There’s a reason I don’t play the radio often… I hate commercials and I hate when they play shit I don’t like, especially when you consider there’s all of one station I actually listen to that plays all the stuff I grew up listening to. Not that I don’t like newer music, but not enough to listen to it exclusively. In any case, the DJ was babbling about I have no idea what and then mentioned what song he was going to be playing next. For the life of me, I can’t remember what song it was now, but it was a song I really liked and hadn’t heard in a long time. I was really excited to hear it… until he said 44 years ago… What?! I remember when that song was released! I remember when the radio played that song all the time! Now he’s telling me that was 44 years ago?! Which led me to yelling at the radio, flipping out in the car, “No! Fuck you, that was 44 years ago! You lie!” Yup… once again a DJ made me feel like I should go home, sit in a chair by the fire with a shawl wrapped around my shoulders and have some tea… What the actual fuck… Music is the one thing that seems to make me feel very old, but only if you tell me how many years ago a song was released. You can tell me the year, it means nothing.

But for all the times some asshole tries to make me feel old by telling me how long ago things were released or how much people up the cost of concert tickets or how much hipsters decide to adopt cool Aunt Jackie, I try not to let it get me down. A large part of that is my hippie dippy personality, but there’s another reason for it… My sister and I don’t just look like we’re not related, we’re two sides of the same coin. She’s always been so serious and rather prudent whereas I’m the goofy free spirit. Yes, she’s five years older than me, but when I reached the milestones she’d already passed, I realized she had looked way older at that age than I did. Like now… At 51, she was considerably gray and I hardly have any gray hair (my mother doesn’t have much either and is going to be 75). She also dressed the part at 51 and I just can’t. When I’m in the car with her, a good song comes on, she may turn it up, but she doesn’t sing along or even dance in the car… What?! I do that all the time! And the thing is, for all the shit I’ve put my body through (smoking, smoking pot, drinking) and things out of my control (losing my ovaries and going through early menopause, all the surgeries I’ve gone through), I should look worse than her. But I don’t…

I honestly think it’s because of how I decide to live my life. I am a very hippie-dippy, goofy free spirit… When a good song comes on, I sing and dance like no one is watching and I don’t care where the fuck I am. I could be in the middle of a store, in a restaurant, wherever. You’d be surprised how many people actually look at me with admiration and envy instead of looking at me like I’ve lost my marbles (though I get that on occasion as well). I think most people wish they had the guts to live that way. But why do you need the guts? If you want to do it, just fucking do it! Be liberated! It feels fucking great! I also buy stuffed animals (perhaps too many, I could start my own zoo) and toys. This is one of my latest buys. Virtual pets are a pain in the ass and the batteries are expensive, but it was a Hello Kitty one and I just love Hello Kitty and friends! I also collect My Little Pony and a plethora of other things, whatever I find cute or interesting. And I play video games because they’re a great way for me to escape the stresses of life, especially when I’m having some difficulty with my creative flow.

Speaking of imagination… Mine is shot to shit right now. I’m not surprised, to be honest. I’m still sleeping a lot. Yesterday I slept literally all day and I slept all night. To be fair, I’d had a flu shot and was feeling kind of bleh. Was it from the shot or because it’s rag weed season and it’s bad this year? I can’t tell, but I was feeling like shit and slept off and on all damn day… Still, I’ve been having to see so many doctors, getting tests run and whatnot… The latest is now I’m having trouble regulating my blood pressure and the “doctor” I saw who got his medical license out of an “unhappy” meal literally said, “I don’t know what you think I can do for you.” Well, the ER doctor told me to see a cardiologist, that’s why I’m here, idiot, because extremely low blood pressure is just as dangerous as high blood pressure. I can also suffer cardiac arrest or a stroke. What a dick… And my GP keeps asking me if I feel more depressed because I’m sleeping so much. No, I don’t feel more depressed! I’m frustrated by all you idiots, but I’m not depressed! Besides, I just saw my shrink; I’m fine!

So I’m losing myself in a little video game world for now… My character, at least, is healthy. She can run, swing a pick axe, can stay awake… There are times I’m playing and I actually fall asleep with my Switch in my hands… I suppose that’s why I play these games. There are a lot of physical things I can’t do in real life anymore due to impairments that my character can do. I haven’t been able to run since I was 20 because I have bad knees. That’s been hard for me… But my character can. Now I have osteoporosis, so there are a lot of other things I can’t do because it could be dangerous, but my character can do them. I still feel I could do them in my mind, but I know that physically I can’t. This is such a suck ass age. The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. My mind and body don’t match right now. Will my mind ever catch up to my body…? God, I hope not… I don’t ever want my mind to think like an old woman. Fuck that shit… Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. If you remember that, you’ll do fine and you’ll have a much happier life and stay younger looking for longer, trust me. Just stay away from DJs who will tell you how old songs are…