Break Out The Hoodies!

Hello, dear readers!

And so it’s begun! The season of hoodies, “sweater weather” and brightly colored leaves! I love fall… I get so excited when I see the leaves turning! That’s something that doesn’t happen very frequently anymore… Once upon a time, when I was still a teenager, leaves here would turn gorgeous shades in September already and stick around until they started falling around this time. Now you’re lucky if they change colors at all… Most of the time they just dry up while still green and fall… Isn’t that awful? So when I see something this amazing, I take pictures. A lot of pictures… But how can you resist that gorgeous Bob Ross type scenery when you find it in real life?

Currently my phone is just letters with pictures I took of leaves… That makes me sound like the most boring person on the planet. I should be out there taking pictures of amazing, artistic things! Nope, I’m just taking pictures of fall leaves… I’m not saying that other people don’t do this, but I’m probably the only one who complains that I should be taking more artistic photos…

The sad thing about all this is that I’m not as excited or into any of this as I normally am. There’s just too much shit going on to make me feel anything but depressed… There’s so much crazy, stressful shit going on in the country right now, I can’t bring myself to look at any news right now. And if you don’t believe there’s crazy stuff afoot, just look at this picture. That is a lilac and leaves blooming on my bush, in fucking October!!! Lilacs generally bloom in late April and are usually done blooming in the middle of May. Mine bloom a bit later because the backyard doesn’t get much sun… The leaves that usually fall off around this time fell off before summer was over and are now sprouting again. What the actual fuck?! I’ve talked to other people and found that they’ve had flowers blooming again in their flower beds! In October! That’s so not normal… I know we had an overly warm Indian Summer, but to make plants and flowers bloom again? That’s just weird… Especially because it’s now getting cold. I’m a bit fearful that, when spring comes, my lilac won’t bloom again at all. I hope that’s not the case but I have a bad feeling about it. See…? Climate change is an actual thing! Who knew… Well, most of us knew, to be fair. It’s the government that was telling us it was bullshit. What do you say now, Washington…?!

I didn’t take this picture, someone I know did. Isn’t it great, though?

Anyway… Usually I would have read most of the stories in my “big book o’ Poe”, as I refer to it. But I haven’t read one single story. Halloween is just a few days away and I haven’t read one fucking story. That was always my indulgence in October, to cuddle up with my book and read Poe stories all month. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. My depression is getting really bad… I still have no idea why I keep gaining weight even though I’m not eating much and am eating good food, I’ve been having a lot of pain in my lower joints and I feel like everything is just going to shit. I can’t seem to shake this funk, either. No matter what I do, it’s here and I just have to deal with it.

I’m hoping Halloween does something to snap me out of this at least a little. I love Halloween, seeing the kids dressed up so cute. Some of these parents get really creative with their trick-or-treating! One year there was a dad and his little ones all dressed up like Toy Story characters. The punchline is the baby was the alien toy from the claw machine, HA!

I have, at least, been watching horror movies, just as I do any other year. That’s another activity I enjoy, just curling up under a blanket with a hot cup of whatever and watching horror movies. And I’ve seen some stupid ones this year. Normally I have a list of what I watch, but I went rogue this year and watched a lot of movies that I’d never heard of. I’m wishing I didn’t do that because they were so bad!

So… if you’re looking for movies to watch for Halloween, I suggest the Psycho movies, Poltergeist (the only horror movie that scares the living shit out of me), Friday The 13th (they’re all good), A Nightmare on Elm Street (also all good) and pretty much any Stephen King movie. If you want a laugh, go with the classic Arsenic and Old Lace (Cary Grant at his finest) or Love At First Bite (make sure it’s the version with “I Love The Nightlife”). And, of course, The Exorcist…

I know I put The Exorcist in with the comedic films… I think it’s funny when she pukes on the priest, haha!

Anyway… To help battle my depression, I’ve been buying stuff. I know; that’s bad. This is one of my latest purchases! They’re called Cat Looong; this one is the musician. Isn’t she beautiful? I got her out of a blind box and I was hoping that I didn’t get the only one of the group that I didn’t care for. I’m glad I got this one because she was one I really liked! She’s very soft and has the biggest, poofiest tail! But my spending didn’t stop there… I went to that store in the mall near me that actually had real Labubus… Yup, I was stupid and spent $100 just to say that I have one real Labubu. And you know what? I like the fake ones better… They’re bigger and just as soft. Do they have some flaws? Sure, but that makes them quirky! I was disappointed in the real ones… I also bought another Mickey blind box. And the other day, I went out shopping and bought a bunch of new long sleeved shirts. I didn’t have many and the ones I had didn’t fit anymore. Not me trying to justify my spending…

Counter-clockwise: Me, Zell, Marshal, Pekoe and Punchy

For a while, I had my Animal Crossing game to distract me. I was trying to reconstruct my island, as much as I could, anyway, and that kept my mind off of other things that depressed me. But now I’ve done all I can or think I’m capable of pulling off. I don’t want to mess things up. Even if I did, I don’t have the funds (in-game) to do much more. The bad thing is that, now that I’m done, I don’t know what to do. I’m out of things to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. I also have little to do when I play now… However, my villagers seem happier as you can see. They decided to break out the barbecue and toast marshmallows in the island square. I love this picture so much…

Clock-wise: Wolfgang, Me, Punchy, Marshal and Pekoe

Of course I’ve been making it a point to play Saturday nights… I don’t need to as I already have all the K.K. Slider songs, but my villagers have been so happy that they’re sitting out and listening to him play again. So since they’ve been so into it, I decided to spend time and requesting a lot of songs. It’s been so much fun, to be honest! We wave our little light sticks while K.K. plays whatever tune I’ve asked for and have a mini concert experience! I know it sounds stupid and silly, but just look at those cute faces! Everyone, no matter what they are, getting along and having a great time together! That’s what the game is really about, being close knit with everyone despite what they are and what they look like. It’s a really nice and much needed escape in this world where that’s not really possible, you know? Maybe it’s just me… Anyway, Happy Halloween, dear readers!

I Survived!

Yes, dear readers, I survived an overnight trip with my family! And no, it’s not because I pushed them in front of a moving bus, hahahaa!

Well… the cocktails helped… They were named after my niece, her new husband and their dog. I had one named after the dog and three that were named after my niece. Bourbon, blackberry syrup, Sprite and lime juice. Man, were they tasty! A little too tasty because I was knocking them back like they were fruit juice… Sadly, it apparently wasn’t enough to get me drunk. I was kind of disappointed, but I guess I didn’t really need the alcohol. My mother and Sponge weren’t around me much (or I them) so it was a really nice time! And my niece looked so beautiful… As soon as I saw her in her dress, I started to cry. I didn’t think I would as I’m not that type to cry at weddings. But… she was born right after I turned 18, I held her when she was just a few hours old. And we were always close. I guess that’s why I cried… But not to fear, her new husband is a really good man. I know because he didn’t set my radar off… And she deserves a good man because she’s a sweet girl.I was so proud that day!

And the hors-d’œuvres!

Let me tell you… If I knew dinner was going to be so lackluster, I would have filled up on hors-d’œuvres… I got the chicken, as I can’t eat certain cuts of beef and I didn’t want lasagna or a vegan meal. It was literally just a breaded chicken patty type deal, like the frozen ones you buy, extremely processed. It came with string beans and a tiny dollop of mashed potatoes. No dessert, no wedding cake… I just assumed that such an expensive affair as this was that the food would have been better. But whatever, there were hors-d’œuvres and they were amazing! There were soft pretzel sticks (that were really soft) in little glasses filled with spinach dip, mini grilled cheese in tomato bisque (shown here, so good and I hate tomatoes), fried dill pickles spears in little glasses of ranch dressing to dip them and teriyaki braised pork belly on thin slices of toasted bread! You know I was cleaning them out of fried pickles, right…? Hahahaa… They also had some raw veggies, bruschetta, ring bologna and cheese, some fruits… Seriously, who needed dinner? But I decided to try and reign in my taste buds because I knew we were going to have dinner. In hindsight, I should have said fuck it to dinner…

A new build on my Animal Crossing island…

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

Then the morning came…

Now, before you say, “Well, after all that alcohol, of course you woke up feeling like shit, Jackie,” let me tell you one of the biggest reasons I felt like shit… This was an outdoor wedding in the middle of bumblefuck, during ragweed season. I already wasn’t feeling well prior to this. Then spending an entire Indian Summer day in a place that is a lot more rural than where I live (shocking that there is such a place) with that nice gentle breeze blowing… gently blowing ragweed pollen up into my sinuses… And this is the time of the season that it’s at the worst. Well… I woke up with my right eye throbbing from all the pressure and so congested I pretty much drank a bottle of Sinex through my nose over that day and still couldn’t breathe through my nose! I was sneezing and had the worst headache all day.

Hahahaa, I love weird Snapchat filters…

So as if the allergens waging war against my sinuses wasn’t enough to give me a headache, so was the way I slept…

Periodically, I wake up with horrible headaches, stemming from the right side of the back of my neck, that last me an entire day. I think it’s arthritis that developed from a car accident I had when I was 19. The driver’s side slammed into the curved piece in the break of a guardrail, I got whipped to the side, bashed my head off the guardrail and was whipped back into the car… I was fine for years, but now I’m finding that I’ve been getting these headaches that stem from neck pain if I sleep wrong. That’s been going on a few years and is just getting worse. Don’t get me wrong, the hotel was amazing! It had a queen sized bed (I sprawled out) that was so soft and squishy! And the pillows! Your head literally sank into them! But my dumb ass didn’t stop to think that might upset my neck… To top it off, I slept on my stomach (that’s how I sleep best). I was so damned comfortable, I slept like the dead for the first time in decades! Then I woke up with that hellacious headache… It literally took all day for the neck pain to go away and that was with a lot of pain pills. I still have the sinus headache, but it’s not bad…

The day my niece got married was also my favorite J-rocker testu’s birthday! Happy 56th birthday, tetsu! Don’t feel bad, I’m not far behind… Oof… Now I feel bad. Because I didn’t feel old enough watching my niece get married…

Speaking of music… That was something I could have done without. I knew all of three songs played at the reception. One was Elvis, “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”, LeAnn Rimes “How Do I Live” and this weird dance remix of AC/DC “You Shook Me All Night Long”… The other shit they played was– well– shit! It was newer dance/rap/techno kind of shit. I mean, it’s good to dance to if you’re drinking, I guess… But to be honest, I don’t know that you can dance to that shit, and I don’t think anyone else did, either. Most of them were just kind of jumping around. What the fuck is that?! Is that what they call dancing?! Absolutely not… I was looking forward to dancing, but I just couldn’t figure out how… Plus my feet were killing me from my new shoes, which I took off and then the deejay announced that everyone needed to put their shoes on…

Thanks for making me targeted, dickhead… Like shoes are cleaner than my stocking feet…

Anyway… There was a shuttle to take everyone from the hotel to the wedding and back again, which was nice, no drinking and driving. And these weren’t little buses, they were like luxury liners with a bathroom and everything! I told you it was an expensive affair…

One thing I didn’t know about these kind of busses is that you can connect with Bluetooth to the speakers. But one of the guests knew it… It wasn’t long into the half hour ride to the wedding that some absolutely horrible music started playing loudly. Now, I’m not a fan of much rap as it is. But when it sounds like some guy just talking, saying the filthiest things and dropping the “N” bomb every few seconds, that’s a huge no for me. And I listened to 2 Live Crew! Some of their shit was flat out vulgar and they used “fuck” more times than I could count in one song! But the stuff today, for some reason, I find horribly offensive. And the thing is, I may be 52, but it’s not a matter of age. I just find that inappropriate, especially when you’re in the company of older people.

I don’t really consider myself to be old, or at least I don’t feel like it. But there were relatives and family friends from both sides on that bus that were my age and older, like my mom who will be 76 in a few days. Now… I was raised that you respect your elders. You don’t swear in front of them, you treat them with respect and you don’t do disrespectful things like being loud and completely obnoxious in front of them. This idiot pretty much did all those things and got everyone else all fired up and obnoxious. Ah well… Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I really am old, too old to relate to these kids… I just think it’s sad that this is what society has become. And with every new generation, it gets a little bit worse. When did people stop teaching good manners? Can we please bring them back…?

I’m sure you figured out that I started playing my Animal Crossing game again…

I’m not sure why, but all of a sudden, my YouTube feed was just littered with videos of people who made some amazing looking islands in their game. It got me thinking… I had been wanting to redo mine for a very long time, but there were some factors that stopped me. One was that I didn’t want to erase the island I had to start a new one (you can only have one game actively going at a time). That would mean I’d lose all my villagers that I love, all the stuff it took forever to acquire… Nope. I could have just leveled my island to a flat working area and start terraforming from a blank slate, but I had nowhere to put all the trees, flowers and villager homes in the meantime. And it would have been ridiculously costly! Nope… So the best I could do was change what I could and move homes a little at a time with what currency I had…

And, you know… I also took some time to visit with my villagers and talk to them. One night I found my little bestie, Punchy, in the museum and followed him around. Then he graced me with the most adorable photo op!

Look how fucking adorable he is!!

Laugh if you will, but I find this incredibly relaxing… I get to be creative and everything moves at a slow pace. I get to design clothing (we’re both wearing my designs), pathways, lots of things… I get to shape my surroundings… It’s all very relaxing but very controlled, a place where I’m the “puppet master”, so to speak. It gives me that illusion of control that I desperately need in the current state of the world, the US in particular. And at least I still have freedom of expression and speech in this game…

Sadly, I’m not as creative as some people who play this game. I find that frustrating… I’m an artist, damn it! I should be able to terraform and decorate a video game environment!

But I digress…

Halloween will soon be upon us! I love Halloween… But for some reason, I’m just not in the spirit this year. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling so bleh… It’s hard to be festive when your head hurts and your nose is so god-damn stuffy you couldn’t get air up through it if the vacuum of space was up in your sinus cavities. I still have yet to decorate and I should have already done that…

But hey, at least I can decorate my island, right…?

Plus I get to make cute little scenes to take pictures! That’s probably the most fun of the holidays and other special occasions that pop up. I like to make silly things, it helps keep me somewhat sane. And let me tell you, we should all be happy for that!

Until next time, dear readers! Go create your own worlds!

Familial Is Not Familiar…

If you have a family, and I’m sure most of you do, you know that it’s not like the fucking Brady Bunch. Far from it… Recently, mine has been more like an episode of Snapped…

The last week or two has been an absolute shit show… I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I’m not. I’m just so fed the fuck up with everyone and everything that I’m about to say “fuck it” and miss out on a very important event. I’ve been so fucking stressed, I can see where my hair has started to fall out… And most of this is due to family over said event.

So… Buckle up, dear readers. I’m about to take you down that dark ass road, into the insanity and flat out stupidity of my family. And I apologize in advance… I know you don’t really want to hear me vent and complain about what’s going crazy in my life right now, but I need to write this. I have to vent my frustrations somehow and I figured sharing it with all of you may help me find some relief. Who knows? Maybe one of you will have some insight or some suggestions on how to avoid losing my ever-loving, fucking marbles…

My oldest niece is getting married in two days…

Aside from the stress this is causing because it makes me feel old, I’ve been looking forward to this for months. The ceremony takes place in the late afternoon, there’s a reception and an after party. There’s also a Renaissance Fair the next day that guests can attend. There’s a hotel guests can stay in and a shuttle that takes guests to and from the venue. Sounds amazing, right? As this is a two hour drive for me, I was planning to stay overnight so I wouldn’t have to drive home extremely late (I’m too old for that) and go to the fair the following day. But you know what they say about “the best laid plans of mice and men”…

I was doomed…

I had spoken to my sister a few months ago concerning the wedding… She was so upset, which is unlike her, all because my mother told her that she and her boyfriend, Sponge, would not be attending. One excuse was that her car would not make such a long drive (she’s probably right on that one) and she gave a plethora of other, more lame excuses. My sister was beside herself… “How’s it going to look if the grandmother of the bride can’t be bothered to show up?!” I agreed… And it’s especially bad when you realize my niece will be missing her father: he died years ago. It just wasn’t right…

Aunt Jackie to the rescue!

It took quite a lot on my part, but I finally convinced my mother that we could rent a car and they could go with me; that way neither of them has to drive. She would never make such a long drive. Thank heavens because the woman is a menace on the road. And Sponge… Well, he’s had cataract surgery and, ever since, he’s not exactly confident in his driving abilities because his eyesight isn’t what it used to be. Understandable since he just turned 75 and my mother turns 76 in about a week… Going with me in a rental (no milage on my car that way) was the best option. She still hemmed and hawed, reluctant to go. I’m not sure why… This is her granddaughter! Why wouldn’t she want to see her get married?! It was just weird… So I got loud with her, pointing out that she would make the entire family look bad if she didn’t go and she would make my niece cry. I told her she was going and we’d travel together. Sponge could come or not, I didn’t give a fuck…

Now… I knew my mother and Sponge didn’t want to stay overnight after the wedding. I sacrificed a night in a nice hotel and a day at the Renaissance Fair just to get those two rejects to do the right thing. Are you following so far? Good…

A week ago, my mother decided to drop this bomb on me: Sponge was going to drive the rental because, “he kinda knows where we’re going and he has GPS”… Everyone has fucking GPS! It’s in our fucking cell phones! And “kinda” knowing where we’re going isn’t the same as knowing! And since when has she been in charge?! Last time I checked, it was me who came up with this plan and invited them along for the ride!

So when she came to visit on Friday, as normal, I sat her down for a nice talk. I had figured out the best way to say what I needed to ad present her with the logic. Sponge is 75 which means his reaction times aren’t as good as someone my age. He has difficulty seeing and he would have to drive unfamiliar roads. I told her I didn’t feel safe doing it that way and asked why Sponge would change his mind at the last minute when he doesn’t feel confident in his driving anymore. The only answer she gave me was to tell me that didn’t know why he changed his mind, but she agreed with my logic and said she’d talk to him.

I have no idea why I thought she actually would…

Just the other day, she told me that she rented a vehicle (fine, I don’t need that extra cost) but guess what… Sponge is still insisting upon driving. Not only that, but she decided that we are leaving right after dinner to come home! Excuse me?! I am a grown ass woman of 52! Who the fuck is she to be telling me when I’m going to leave?! Absolutely not! I’m not a child; I decide the things I’m going to do! She’s held me back enough… So I did what any person in my position would do…

I called my sister…

I know my mother often times ignores what I have to say, either because she still sees me as a child, she chalks it up to me having a bipolar moment or because placating Sponge is just easier… He’s literally a big, incredibly noisy baby and she gives in all the time because she doesn’t want him going off on a tangent. And she expects me to placate him as well. After 40 years of this shit, I’m just exhausted and over it. I refused to deal with my mother and her selfish bullshit. So I called my sister, the one person I know my mother listens to, and vented to her about the current shit show…

My sister agreed with everything I vented… So she came up with this plan that she would pay for my room and one for my mother and Sponge, then call my niece and have her tell my mother that some of her guests couldn’t come and there were extra rooms, already paid for, if they wanted to stay overnight.

That didn’t work…

Heaven forbid that she should have to pack two change of clothing, a pair of pajamas and their pills… Plus she needs to be home in the morning to go buy lunchmeat for her and Sponge because, you know, the store doesn’t sell fucking lunchmeat once noon hits… Seriously, what the fuck is up with that?! Go buy lunchmeat some other time of day! Unbelievable…

I was more that done at that point… I decided to call my mother yesterday and I told her my niece texted me the same offer and I was taking her up on it. At that point, I didn’t care about the dangers of them driving. I wasn’t going to put up with this shit and their poor treatment of me.

So, once again, I called my sister. She was livid! And coming from someone who always keeps themselves so composed, you know she had to be pissed. We vented to each other about their stupidity, then she said she had to go make dinner, think about all this and would call me back.

I did not expect the call from my mother, telling me that my sister had just called her and gone completely nuclear on her… I had a hard time not laughing as she told me what was said. And, soon after I answered, I got a text from my sister telling me to call her, hahahaa! So after I got off the phone, I called and my sister confirmed what was said, the biggest of these being that she didn’t want them to have an accident and make her have to plan a funeral after her daughter’s wedding. My mother blew her off at first, but she soon realized my sister wasn’t fucking around… And she can’t dismiss it as a bipolar moment like she does with me because my sister is the most mentally stable person I know. Go figure…

Needless to say, she talked to Sponge and they agreed to stay over. Neither of them are happy about it, however. And I can almost guarantee that they’ll try to or succeed in skipping out and driving home right after the dinner because that’s what the big baby wants. And if they do, you know my sister and I are going to blow like Krakatoa…

I also vented to my sister about this behavior, treating me like a child and not allowing me to make my own decisions in this particular case…

I’m sure some of you know that my mother was the reason I couldn’t attend college and she admitted to lying to me in order to keep me at home so I could get a job and help her pay bills, support Sponge… I told my sister I felt like she robbed me of my future and her reply was, “She pretty much did…” You have no idea how wonderful that felt, to finally have someone validate the way I’ve been feeling since I was 17… I know that’s a long time to hold onto resentment, but it’s hard not to. I’ve wanted to be an animator since I was six years old; it’s all I ever wanted to be. I had it all planned out so I could go to school and live my dream. But my mother literally shattered that dream with her lies, all so she could keep me there and help her support lazy Sponge. I could have been something… instead I’m a nothing who lives in a shitty house in a shitty neighborhood and have been going nowhere my entire life… The point is, my mother has always been very selfish, except where Sponge is concerned… With him, she’s overly generous, giving in to absolutely everything just so he won’t think to leave. No matter that she sold herself and me into servitude by holding onto that thought process… It didn’t even cross her mind. probably because she wouldn’t let it.

BOOM! My life blowing up out of proportion…

And if you’re wondering why I’ve bothered to have a relationship with (and continue) to have one with a person who is obviously bat shit insane… I honestly don’t have an answer for you.

I suppose it’s because, in some really weird and unhealthy way, I have an attachment to her. That sounds weird and unhealthy to say it that way… But I think it’ the most accurate way to describe it. She’s a fucked up individual who really fucked me up over the years. And yet… I go out of my way, change my plans of what I want to do, all to make everyone as happy as I can. But that’s never enough for her. you know?

I can guarantee you, after this wedding is done and over, I’m seriously going to reevaluate my relationship with my mother. I’m convinced that my associating with her is more than toxic for me. If need be, I’ll cut off all ties with her. I did that once before, about 19 years ago. I didn’t talk to her for months, not even after my sister called, begging me to call my mother because she was going to her house crying about it…

Wish me luck this weekend, dear readers; I need it. In the meantime, enjoy my finished Labubu collection (for this series, at least). See you soon…

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