“It’s Trying To Stop You!”

Anyone remember that once scene in Stephen King’s Pet Sematary? Rachel Creed is trying desperately to make it home because she knows something is not right at her house and with her husband. As she’s speeding towards home in a beat up Aries K rental car, she blows a tire and runs off the road. She gets out of the car, despondent, as the spirit of Victor Pascow tells her (unheard of course), “It’s trying to stop you! Do you hear me? It’s trying to stop you!” He was, of course, referring to the tainted Micmac burial grounds that her husband Louis seems to frequent more than he should. The evil that resided there was trying to stop her from reaching home and bitch slapping some sense into her grief addled husband so he’d wake up and see why it was a bad idea to bury their son Gage, who was turned into street pizza by an Orinco semi, in a burial ground that would bring his body back to life, but certainly not his soul. “Sometimes, dead is better…”

Just the other day, I learned that the Corel corporation is much like the Micmac Indians… Things have gone sour and now they’re trying to stop me…

For the first time in years (I wish I could say that was an exaggeration), I actually felt like drawing! I was so excited! So I get my Wacom tablet and open Corel Painter 2020, ready to rock and roll… only to find out that it’s not working. At first I thought it was my tablet. Often after a Mac update, I have to install new tablet drivers, some of which don’t fix the issue easily and I have to call Wacom to speak to which ever person speaks the worst English (they all sound French Canadian). He was very helpful in trying to get my program to work with my tablet to no avail. It worked with other drawing programs (that I dislike), but not with Corel Painter 2020. I was going to have to call Corel. Joy… I had already called Apple because my iTunes got fucked up again in the last update, I called Wacom, now I had to make yet another call to Corel. I’m sure you understand my frustration at this point…

So I call Corel… I get this brief, electronic message before it rings and is immediately answered by a guy who sounds annoyed that, god forbid, I’m expecting him to do his fucking job. Because it’s so hard to talk on the phone… Anyway, I politely tell him who I am and why I’m calling, Corel Painter 2020 isn’t working with my Wacom tablet. Suddenly, the call drops. And I know it’s not me as I was on the phone fixing shit all morning and didn’t have one issue. Okay, lazy fucker… So I call back again. Listened to the electronic message, phone rings once, gets picked up and I’m greeted with silence… The time is still running on the call, but I hear nothing. So I try saying hello a few times. Nothing… Does no one want to work at Corel? Should I have been in my normal bitch mode? Would someone have helped me then?! Who knows… So I decided to do a chat with one of the employees, oddly named Merlin. Every time he would start typing and abruptly stop, I would make comment, “You stopped typing, Merlin… What, did you need to go help Arthur pull the sword out of the stone or something…?” I was seriously irritated, especially when he asked what he could help me with, I told him and he asked me again. Read your fucking conversation, asshole!

Actual image of my head while chatting with Corel…

The end result was this: Painter 2020 doesn’t work on Mac OS higher than 10, but 2021 works with 11 and higher. My response was, “So you’re telling me I have to spend $148 if I want to draw…” He responded by telling me he could ask his superiors if he could get me a discount (on that sale price) and would let me know. Well… it’s been several days and no word from Merlin, unsurprisingly. So I finally have the urge to draw after years of not really being inspired and Corel is acting like the Micmac burial grounds and trying to stop me from doing so. What the fuck is up with that?! Are you really that money hungry?! I’ve been a loyal customer for years, buying the newest version about every 2 years and this is the shit I get?! Well, thanks for nothing, assholes! That’s just bad business and complete bullshit! I’m livid!

Meditation: because we all need a little shut the fuck up…

Calm down, Jackie… Find your center… Squelch those overwhelming urges to go to Corel, find the idiot who decided this was a good idea (and the guy who hung up on you) and kick the living fuck out of them… Namaste…

So yeah… that’s how life has been lately. I’ve been feeling like my old self, which is the person who flips shit on anyone and everyone who is trying to fuck me over in some way. I swear to god I’m going to fucking stroke out the way this has been going. That’s what it feels like, anyway. Ever see that scene in Scanners where the guy’s head blows up…? That’s pretty much how I’ve been feeling lately, like my fucking head is going to explode. It’s times like these that you just have to ask, “Why me?!” And a response of “Why not you?” just isn’t good enough. I’ll tell you why not me… Because I’m the one who is perpetually getting shit on, that’s why not me…

I suppose I’ll just have to stick with Animal Crossing as my main creative outlet until I finally decide to suck it the fuck up and buy the upgrade. I’m not happy about it at all, for reasons I’m hoping are obvious to everyone.

The only thing I like forced is perspective, like this screenshot from my game, here… I don’t like being forced into buying something if I want to continue drawing on my computer. What the fuck is that shit…? If I buy a program, it had damn well better last me forever and ever a-fucking-men! I don’t shell out hundreds of dollars to end up getting fucked up the ass like I’ve been.

Perhaps it’s time I wrote a very nasty email to Corel… In times like these, I’ve often found the squeaky wheel does, indeed, get the grease…

A Bit About The Author…

So… there have been a few issues during the past week or so that have prompted me to write this entry…

Maybe it’s because I’m old (er), but I don’t understand what the flying figgin’ ass fuck is going on with the world right now. People are getting in an uproar over things and, to be honest, I don’t think they really know what they’re so outraged about or why. And then there’s hippie-dippy me who seems to get targeted for no reason whatsoever for trying to express those views, pleasant as they may be.

And, once again, I was faced with the issue of people thinking they know me and deciding it’s okay to slap labels on me that I don’t deserve. I may be a lot of things: an asshole, a bitch, a hippie, a lunatic, a sweetheart, a party pooper, a snob, a friend… Sometimes I can be all these things at once or just a smattering of them. Hey, I own that shit… I will whole-heartedly admit that I am these things, even the bad ones. But there are some things that I am not. And when you decide to attack me and slap one of those labels on me, I guarantee I will go bat shit insane on your ass…

Let’s start with one of my “friends”… We’ll call her Margot because I sometimes think she’s much like Margot Kidder when she gets pissed.

Anyway… Margot had made a post on Facebook about this whole “black lives matter” thing. Margot is white, by the way… I made comment on it because I feel that singling out one race or group of people just keeps the butt-hurt and hate going. So I told her my feelings on that and that I felt all life matters. Her response was that the point was that white lives seemed to be the only ones that mattered then proceeded to tell me that our lives didn’t matter until black lives did. Wait… what?! She totally talked in circles and contradicted herself in one breath, there. So I responded and explained my thoughts better. I don’t care what color, race, religion, species, genus of plant or alien life you are. If you live, you fucking matter. That’s all…

After I responded to that, I literally haven’t been back on Facebook since. And I highly doubt I will be anytime soon, either. I don’t need the argument. I’m too fucking old and tired for this shit…

I feel I need to start telling people this…

But wait… there’s more!

Yesterday I was on Twitter (mainly out of boredom, I’m not keen on Twitter). I saw that someone I follow posted a screen shot from Back To The Future of Marty’s parents with the caption “Enchantment Under The Sea dance, 1955”. I love those movies… So I had made a comment about that was back when life was simple. Don’t you know, it was target the hippie day… Some asshole responded with something to the effect of, “Yeah, when life was simple… Segregation and milkshakes at the diner.” Okay… So I replied with a light comment about the milkshakes, yum, then proceeded to explain what I meant, which was a time when there was less crime, people could leave their doors unlocked and feel safe and families had dinner at the table together every night. Then he responded with more racial shit, including that it was simple only for the whites and blacks only learned not to trust whites. I’d had just about enough of this reverse racism shit… I told him perhaps he didn’t read my comment and, if he did, perhaps he’d understand what I meant. Then I asked him to please take his hate elsewhere. Seriously… what the actual fuck people?! Has this been pick on Jackie week, accuse her of being a racist in a not so subtle way?! I was so pissed, I deactivated my Twitter. Facebook is next…

So, now that I’ve told you what happened during “pick on Jackie week”, let me get to the point of this entry.

I’m not now, nor have I ever been, a racist. I could care less what the color of your skin is. If you’re a good person, we’re cool. If you’re an asshole to me… we’re going to have an issue. And that goes for people of any race, including my own. That’s how I see the world, in terms of good people and assholes, nothing more. I’ve been like that my entire life and I will continue to be that way.

I’m all for people wanting to advocate for the rights of others. But, if you’re going to do that, do it in a clear, calm, rational manner. Getting loud and nasty might get your voice heard, but the chances of people listening to what you have to say are greater if you can discuss matters calmly and intelligently.

Maybe I’m wrong, thinking all life is precious. Maybe I should be focusing on one specific group instead. I mean, isn’t that how to fit in with society today? Silly me for thinking otherwise… Suddenly I’m a racist if I think all life is precious…

I need to take a vacation from life for a while… I need to find my center.

I’ve been avoiding Morticia, more so after I totally rained on her parade one day when she was seriously pissing me off and acting as if she was my intellectual superior. I’m done with that shit… You want to feel intellectually superior, go find someone stupider than you to do it to, if you can find such a person. And find someone else to be the landfill you dump all your shit into. I’m not doing this anymore.

And I’m not going to deal with people labeling me with something as harsh as “racist” simply because I think all life is precious and focusing on one specific form of life only continues to keep the hate going. I’m not going to apologize for having more hippie-minded ideals. But I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to let people treat me the way they’ve been. I realize it’s not very hippie-like to not just turn the other cheek, but at some point you just can’t anymore. And I have reached that point. I’m sorry if that offends anyone, but no one gives a flying fuck if I get offended by something, so… Yeah, that’s how it is.

My only escape from the bullshit of the world…

I just need to stay away from people for a good long while, I think…

I’ll just continue to lose myself in my art, writing, fantasy island inhabited my goofy little animals who say the weirdest things sometimes and making interesting little scenes like this…

At least my little animal friends, here, think I’m a good person and don’t label me as things I’m not… I’m grateful for that…

Jackie Takes A Hippie-Dippy Day

You know it’s going to be a weird day when it’s eight o’clock in the morning and you’re listening to Donovan tunes…

Things have been a bit rough lately. I’ve been weaning off my antidepressant, which has caused me to have some not so good moments. It’s funny… It seems the world is so all fired concerned about people having addictions to alcohol or illegal drugs (including pot for some odd reason), but no one gives a rat’s happy ass that prescription “happy pills” are just as addictive. I mean really, if you go through the DTs when you’re weaning off of something, it’s an addictive substance. But I guess they think it’s okay because it’s something doctors prescribe to make you happy and keep you level… I call bullshit on that.

So you can imagine that the past two weeks have been a type of fresh hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s been one helluva roller coaster ride as the serotonin levels start slowly dropping. I’ve flipped out over stupid shit, thrown things when I get really irritated, burst into tears over nothing, my sleeping pattern sucks, I’m anxious more than I have been and every mole hill turns into a mountain. Oh so fun…

For most of my life, I felt like poor Atlas, here, like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. It took me years to stop feeling that all the time.

But, in one moment, it all came weighing down on me once again… Yes, I’m referring to your “friend” and mine, Morticia… You know, I didn’t have that much of an issue helping her through her mother’s passing. I don’t deal well with death at all; everyone knows it. But focusing all my energy into helping others work through their grief helps me work through my own. Or ignore it, however you wish to look at it…

Morticia seems to be handling her mother’s passing better than she was, thank god… But that doesn’t mean everything is hunky-dory, not by any stretch of the imagination. I wish I could say that this experience has caused her to have a new perspective on life and helped her get her shit together. I wish I could tell you that… But that’s not how this works, you see…

Nothing has changed with her. In fact, I think she’s gotten a bit worse. She certainly seems a lot more neurotic than she was before. She’s still fighting with Gomez (shocking, right?) and bitching about everything from work to money to everything under the sun.

Do you have any idea how sick and fucking tired I am of hearing, “No, you don’t understand,” followed by some lame excuse and/or explanation for whatever it is?! She acts as if I’ve never been in any of these situations before when she knows damn well I have been and sometimes in much more dire straits than her. That brings us back to the fact that she acts as if she knows me better than I know myself. Well… then she hasn’t been listening all these years and she knows nothing of my personality. Nice to know that someone you’ve known for over 20 years hasn’t the foggiest idea. But, in Morticia’s eyes, she’s the only one who’s ever suffered anything in general and the rest of us have great lives. Yeah, okay…

So not only have I been severely stressed and anxious with this weaning off my meds shit, now I have Morticia calling me a million times a day again to bitch and complain. Fun times…

I’ve been so fucking stressed, I’m making myself physically sick. the anxiety I’ve had in check is coming back to me and it’s wreaking all sorts of havoc on my physical being. But how do tell someone that they’re causing you more stress than you already feel because they’re dumping their own stress onto you? I mean, there really isn’t any way to do that without sounding completely rude. If she wasn’t “family”, in a way, I wouldn’t give a shit if I was rude or not. We’re trying not to make waves, here, for the sake of making my life easier. Even if I found a kinder way to put it, I know damn well what the response would be: “You don’t know what stress is…” Really?! That would be a good way to start a fight with me, but she wouldn’t actually realize or care until it happened. She thinks she can say what she wants and bully people with no repercussions. Wrong…

Which leads us to Jackie taking a hippie-dippy day…

Current situation: listening to my favorite Pink Floyd tune, “Us and Them“, my go-to tune when I seriously need to mellow the fuck out fast. Actually, the entire Dark Side Of The Moon album in fantastic for when you need to mellow out. It’s an even better chill if you’re high at the time, so I found out in high school. But that’s a story for another time…

In any case, I’ve decided to take a personal day of sorts, a hippie-dippy, focus on me, don’t answer my phone day. Because I really could use a little sit down and shut the fuck up. And that’s my grand master plan for the day. I’m just going to be and nothing more for the entire day. I’m going where the day takes me. I need this and I could give a shit less if anyone doesn’t like it. Suck it up, buttercup…

One thing I know I’m going to do for myself today is engage in a little bit of zen…

I’ve been doing really well with my guitar lessons. My instructor has now given me four songs to work on: “Free Fallin'”, “Positively Fourth Street” and “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” in addition to my working on “Wishing You Were Here.” I’m starting to play along with the actual songs a little bit. Well… as fast as my fingers will allow at the moment. I haven’t been playing that long, really. It’s only been about a month, but for never having played before, I’m moving a lot faster than others who have never played before. The advantage being that I’ve been playing piano since I was a little girl and I have perfect pitch, so I can play by ear. He actually told me that he enjoys playing with me and has fun. I think that’s because he doesn’t have to go through so much mundane shit like he does with others. That and the fact that I’m so gung-ho to learn.

I practice every day, anywhere from a half hour to an hour or longer. I pretty much stop when my fingers are starting to hurt from all the stretching or just grow tired and can’t do it anymore. Playing makes me so happy! I don’t think anyone understands how happy it’s made me. It helps my depression and anxiety to melt away. I’m always happy when I can make music, listen to music… This guitar was the best thing I’ve done for myself and I’m proud of my progress so far!

And so, dear readers… I shall leave you with this:

Find your center. Find what makes you happy and zen and run with it. Don’t let anyone dump all their shit on you! You’re not anyone’s personal punching bag nor are you like a human landfill for people to dump all their trash into!

You take time to do you and focus on what needs a bit of TLC within yourself. Fuck everyone else. Ignore those people who feed off your energy like a succubus. They’re bringing you down to lift themselves up and you don’t need that shit.

When life becomes too much, just take a personal hippie-dippy day. Literally, have that hippie mindset (with or without the aid of mind-altering substances) and just let yourself be… Let the day take you where it will and just go along and enjoy the ride. And remember, while on the path of life, don’t forget to stop and smell the daisies…

I Should Start Charging By The Hour…

Back when I was in high school, I had to take a sociology/psychology class. It was interesting… Actually, that was how I learned what was wrong with me (that I was bipolar). I even considered becoming a psychiatrist for a little while.

Once, years ago, I was seeing this shrink who was born 50 years before Moses. He had this stoic poker face that made you think it would shatter should he change expression. One day, I told him I had considered becoming a psychiatrist when I was in high school. He asked what changed my mind. Aside from my desire to become an artist, I told him I was afraid someone would come into my office crying, “Doc! Doc! I want to kill myself!” And then I’d point and say, “There’s the window…” I actually got a smirk out of poker face! I was afraid he might break himself…

So I never went to school to be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I’m not an entertainer. But, for some reason, that’s how I get treated. I’m a vessel people talk to when they’re bored or want to be entertained. And if they have any problems, they use me as their own personal therapist.

Don’t get me wrong, I like helping people I care about when they’re in emotional and mental distress. But there are a few that simply take advantage of the situation. I’m sorry; that’s not why I’m here. I’m not a way to cure boredom, I’m not a punching bag for you to take your frustrations out on, I’m not here to take abuse from you so you can feel superior and I’m not here to play cupid for you. You want that, I’m going to start charging by the hour for these sessions…

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to avoid certain calls lately…

Morticia’s mother passed away last week. I know how close she was to her mother (I don’t understand it, but I know she was) and I knew how badly she was hurting. So, no matter how often she called, I made sure to answer and talk her down when she was losing her shit. I was trying to be sympathetic, an emotion I’m not very familiar with, and doing my best to help her because, well, that’s what I do.

Everything was fine until about two days after her mother’s passing. Suddenly, Morticia got onto politics, a subject she knows I don’t like discussing and one we see opposite sides of. I tried telling her nicely what I didn’t wish to discuss politics, but she kept going on, getting a bit radical about it. So I snapped the fuck out. I’m sorry, this is not the time to discuss politics. And, if that’s what you want, find someone who feels as you do. Needless to say, she shut up. I think she knows she’s not my intellectual equal and she also knows you don’t want to make an enemy of me. If I lose you as a friend, I won’t lose any sleep over it and won’t give a rat’s happy ass that you’re gone.

“Wear Your Love Like Heaven” (c) yours truly

Needless to say, I was beginning to feel quite drained by all of this…

That’s normal when I have to speak to Morticia for any length of time. Inevitably, she brings up topics she knows she shouldn’t discuss with me and should find better suited friends for.

Even if she’s not approaching subjects that shouldn’t be discussed, she just has this way about her… She’s like a black hole that’s feeding off my energy and gives nothing back. And the longer I have to deal with it, the less time I can tolerate speaking to her. I found I was getting distracted from things I’ve been enjoying. I was in serious need of some zen…

I had an appointment at my shrink’s mid week. It went well. He agreed to start weaning me off my antidepressant so I can lose this fucking Cymbalta weight. I told him that going to new age shops had helped a lot (which he agreed, it does help) so since it was on the way home, I stopped in at my favorite hippie-dippy store for some renewal.

I instantly felt this overwhelming calm as soon as I walked in, which was usual. I bought a few necessitates, like more incense, some stones, a temple wind chime… I also bought some beads to wrap around my ankle and a beautiful ring. There’s just something about that store. Scoff if you will, but the hippie-dippy things seem to help me feel better, hence the reason I utilize them. Do they really work? I don’t know… It could just be that I believe they work, so they do. All I know is I feel better and that’s what matters.

I parked across the street from the hippie-dippy store in from of a sushi place that advertised, of all amazing things, bubble tea!

I have a friend that lives in the Philippines and she goes nuts over bubble tea. I see it a lot online and I see videos of people making their own. It made me so curious and gave me such a strong desire to try it, but I live in bumble fuck and we don’t have things you’d find more easily in large cities. So you can imagine my surprise when I found a place that makes and sells it!

After I was finished in the hippie-dippy store, I crossed the street and got a milk bubble tea. What a strange and amazing beverage! It was delicious! It also seemed to hop me up like I was on speed… It didn’t up my heart rate or anything, but I was so peppy and full of life that I was making myself nuts!

After some research, I found out that bubble tea is incredibly bad for you because it’s high in calories and sugar. But it’s worth it!

So I’ve made a decision… I’m taking a break from people.

I’m doing so well with my guitar lessons (my third one is today) that my instructor isn’t spending as much time on things that are coming easily to me. I’m already doing well playing “Wishing You Were Here”, I memorized the beginning chords… I’m so proud of myself!

For now, I think I need to just disengage from people for a while… I’m going to keep practicing my guitar every day and concentrate on building my energy back up, focus on my meditation and just let myself be… Happiness runs, happiness runs, after all…

This Isn’t Your Normal Depression; This is… Advanced Depression…

Yesterday started out as shit. Literally…

I thought I had broken a tooth and had to go to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and looked at. One of my least favorite activities. I had myself so worked up into a state that I gave myself some intestinal distress. I don’t know why, but getting my teeth cleaned is anxiety inducing.

But wait… there’s more!

Not only did I have a shit ton of cavities, 3 of which were drilled and filled on the top front (which was pretty painful after the fact from having my lip yanked over my head for so long) but I also found out I didn’t break a tooth. I lost a crown. Luckily I found it where I knew I lost it (in the car while eating a scone). And I found out what this weird pain was that I was having low in my gum in front bottom. I have periodontal disease and a hole in my gum! Isn’t that lovely?! Thankfully it’s still early enough that they can treat it in the dentist’s office, but still… What the actual fuck… Lucky me…

To cheer myself up, I decided to go shopping at this place called At Home. It’s a really nice home store where you can buy furniture, decor… pretty much whatever you need for your home and it’s not terribly expensive.

I found this amazing chair on their site a few days ago and had been obsessing over it for some time. Literally obsessing… I’m tired of how my house looks and decided that I wanted a bit of a change, something to spice shit up a bit. What could be better than a funky retro chair with a new pillow on it?

I realize this doesn’t actually look like it would be comfy, but it really is, surprisingly. Plus it’s a lot smaller than other chairs I’ve had in that space, so I have more room to move and feel less confined. My house isn’t very large and it has a lot of furniture, especially large furniture like my 6 foot sofa. So trying to get smaller accent pieces was definitely a plus in my mind. And it’s funky!

Actually, I found this ottoman first and decided I had to have it. The chair I happened to stumble across and thought, hey, that would look great with the ottoman! It really does! Plus it gives extra seating without taking up much space at all.

See, this is what I do… When I get depressed, I shop… Sometimes I shop until I drop. It’s such a downside of bipolar behavior (depression in particular). You’re so desperate to feel good that you go buy things you don’t need or can’t afford. A lot of the time, it’s something impractical and it only gives you joy for a short while before depression sets in again. Thankfully, this wasn’t an impractical purchase and wanting to change shit up is a good thing.

And, because I’m a sucker for the “impulse buys” section, I bought myself a cute little treat. It’s a mini Magic 8 Ball!

Did anyone have the big ones as kids? I did… I used to love that thing. Over the years, the colored water faded and I’ve since lost track of what happened to it exactly. But I always loved asking it random questions and seeing what answer I got. So when I saw this mini version (and it’s all funky and swirled), I knew I had to get it! It was only a couple of dollars anyway…

So I decided to test it… I asked it if I would learn how to play the guitar well, to which it responded, “Outlook good”. Hey, that sounds promising!

This morning, after all the bullshit that went on yesterday, I decided to ask it a different question… I asked it, “Does this country have good things in store for it this year?” And, as you can see, the response was, “Not likely”… Wow… How apropos…

So there you have it, dear readers… The Magic 8 Ball has spoken. All hail the great and powerful Magic 8 Ball…

Yeah, yeah… I realize it’s just a toy and any response to that question could have come up. But with the giant shit storm that’s been going on since March, the new strains of COVID, this presidential bullshit, you have to admit that the answer it gave me this morning was… well, a bit weird… I’m not saying it can really foretell the future, but… It was just too coincidental, don’t you think? It’s quite comical in a way. Even a toy has little hope for the future of the US! That’s when you know things are in sad shape.

The all knowing, all seeing Pink Floyd, folks…

So… much as I hate to do it, let’s talk about the bullshit yesterday…

Listen, I don’t care if you think Trump is the greatest thing since sliced bread or if you hate his guts to the point where you want to punch him in the dick a thousand times. Not everyone has the same views on things and that’s okay. They’re your views and you’re entitled to them.

But the events here in the US yesterday were pure and utter insanity.

Okay, he lost and he’s not happy. But for the love of god, bow out gracefully. Telling your followers, knowing that a lot of them are more than a bit radical, to go to the Capitol was literally an act of lunacy. He had to have known that it would turn into one giant shit show, which it did… And none of it would have happened if he would have taken his defeat like a man and not behaved like a child who didn’t like how you were playing and decided to take his ball and go home.

It’s no secret that I don’t care for the man in multiple aspects, but putting my feelings aside and looking at it from a more unbiased aspect, I can’t help but notice that he’s created a very dangerous situation. And I don’t just mean what happened at the Capitol; I mean with the people in general.

We’re a nation divided…

Yes, there have always been people who think they can tell you what to think, how to feel and totally invalidate your beliefs. But things seem to have taken a much darker turn for the worse lately.

Just put this in your kettle and let it simmer a minute… The last time someone stood up, spouting hate and laying blame for what was wrong with the country on a particular group of people, it didn’t go well and a lot of people died. Only this time it’s not Jews… This time it’s Mexicans and anyone who isn’t a Republican and thinks like him. It’s a dark period of history trying to repeat itself.

Did people forget the importance of these lyrics…?

It’s all too fucking much…

COVID, political bullshit, people acting out and doing so like lunatics, hate between people, people trying to bully and dominate others in a vain attempt to get them to see their opinions are right and yours are wrong…

Stop… Just stop…

It’s bad enough that normal people have to deal with this shit. It’s even worse when people who suffer from depression and anxiety have to deal with it. Worse, people who have never experienced depression or anxiety before are now having major issues with it. I can’t imagine how freaked out and lost they feel. Those of us who have been suffering from mental illness for our entire lives, we’re used to dealing with it and even we’re having more issues than normal. I can’t imagine how sane people are feeling as they try to cope. This isn’t going to end well… I know I’m at a breaking point.

We need some cuteness… courtesy of Haiku

This morning is a good example of bullshit…

I had posted a picture of my funky new chair and ottoman on Facebook because I really liked it and wanted to show off the new look I’m working on in my house. A few people commented, each giving their approval, telling me how nice it looked.

But there’s always that one person…

I had a comment stating that Christmas was over and to take down my tree… Um, excuse me?! Who the fuck do you think you are, exactly?! It’s my fucking tree! And if I choose to leave it up until this coming Christmas, I’m going to fucking do it! Don’t tell me when I should take my tree down!

There’s no right or wrong time to take down your tree… You take it down when you’re sick of the sight of it, that’s all…

I also had a very irritating conversation with Morticia yesterday…

According to her, I shouldn’t judge people without knowing all the facts. First of all, I normally do, okay? But, in certain circumstances, the situation hits close to home and is a bit too personal for me. If I hear what happened from a reliable source and it’s something that upsets me on a personal level, I may be a bit judgmental, sure. We all can be. But I found it irritating that she herself is highly judgmental, especially with me, and that’s perfectly alright. Well… isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black…

I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed at this point…

At what point do you just completely lose your shit and flip out on people and/or remove them from your life? How much can any one of us take of this shit before we completely lose it?

Hell, those of us who are mentally ill are already more than halfway there to begin with.

So here’s the deal… No one, and I mean no one has the right to tell you what to do, how to think, how to feel or tell you that their opinion is right and yours is wrong. No one has the right to get up on a soap box to preach to you and then not practice what they preach. You are you and no one else… You live your life how you want, have the feelings, opinions and beliefs you feel comfortable with. The only person who has the power to change your views is you. And you probably will because we all do over the years. Just make sure that you’re not being influenced by some self righteous asshole who thinks they know everything. Okay…?

Ugh… This post was such a downer. I need to end this on a light note for you guys.

A late Christmas present arrived for me the other day. It’s an Inkari alpaca! Isn’t he awesome?! He’s made with real alpaca wool and is so soft and fluffy (as you can see). And they come with cute little accessories! Mine has a bow tie and shades!

Now, you’re supposed to name your new alpaca, but I’m having a tough time figuring out a good one. With his accessories, he looks as if he’s either a member of “The Rat Pack” (look that up if you don’t know what that is) or some sort of alpaca mafia! I posted the pictures to Facebook and asked some opinions on names. I got a lot of good suggestions! Perhaps too many… I still have no idea what to name my fluffy friend, here. So… I’d like to know… What do you think, dear readers? Any ideas for a name for my poor, nameless alpaca? And before you suggest Al, I actually have a stuffed one named Al Paca… Well, either way I managed to end this on a cute and fluffy note. That’s what matters…

New Year, New Aspirations, New Disappointments…

Happy 2021, dear readers!

I hope everyone aggressively said goodbye to the shitty old year in a safe manner and told it not to let the door hit it in its ass on the way out!

As you can see, I may not have been able to celebrate in style, but I still had something of a celebration. Animal Crossing has been my saving grace through all this shit. I may not be able to have gatherings, but this is a good substitute. And it was cute! Fireworks, party poppers, party hats and happy villagers… It was kind of fun!

As an extra dose of cuteness…

I bought some party hats and silly glasses and took a selfie with Baxter! Granted, I couldn’t take a selfie, hold him still enough while holding the glasses in place, but I still think he looks pretty cute, if not a bit frustrated. You can almost hear the sigh as if asking me to stop making him look stupid!

Hey, it’s my right as a pet mom to make my fur babies look stupid, hahahaa!

Otherwise, it was a pretty dull evening as it’s been the last few years. I’ve grown tired of making meatballs and putting them in the Crock Pot with gravy and have opted for meatloaf instead. Same recipe, different shape… I just don’t have the gumption to make meatballs up, fry them and mix up gravy in the Crock Pot. However, there’s still a lot of picking food like veggies and dip, ring bologna, cubed cheeses, shrimp cocktail, chips… It’s a habit I got into so there was always food to pick at while drinking. But now I can’t drink, so I’m not sure why I still do all that just to drink sparkling white grape juice…

Honestly, that’s the thing I miss most about New Year’s, getting a bottle of Asti, having myself a few glasses to help ring in the New Year in style… And I miss Dick Clark doing New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Ryan Seacrest is a poor substitute. It’s just not the same with the man who never aged until he had that bad stroke…

I think I crossed over into it back in March…

One of my “traditions” is to watch The Twilight Zone which SyFy shows a marathon of every New Year’s Eve and Day. Of course, I fell asleep and missed some of my favorites… But I can watch them on Hulu whenever I want.

Anyway… I don’t believe there was a New Year’s that was more appropriate to be showing this program. Hell, I felt like I crossed over into The Twilight Zone back in March, as I’m sure most of us did. And I feel I’ve been trapped there ever since. I wish I could say I’m exaggerating, but I’m sure most of you feel the same way as I do. It’s no exaggeration…

However, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying myself! I always do, even if they show episodes I don’t care for. One year they decided to show every single episode ever made in order. It took 4 days to get through them all! And I laid here on the sofa all 4 days watching them! I’m surprised I didn’t develop bed sores (or would they be sofa sores?) from laying there like a lump for 4 days. Now that’s devotion, folks. Odd devotion, but devotion nonetheless…

Now, everyone knows this is my routine every year and knows… you don’t call me. I will ignore you.

Apparently Morticia didn’t get the memo on that… She called me when my favorite episode was on (of course she did) and when I didn’t pick up, she called right back. What the actual fuck?! I texted her and told her I had a lot to do and asked what was up. She said she just wanted to talk. For real… She meant she called to bitch and complain… I thought my text would have gotten my message across, but nope. A few hours later, she called me twice again during my second favorite episode! What the fuck?! Does she have radar or something?! “Oh, Jackie is watching one of her favorite episodes of something, I should call her now!” Jesus Christ, woman! She also called just as I was sitting down to eat supper! The last thing I wanted was to end this shitty year listening to her bitch anymore. She already bitched to me enough this week about how much she hates her new job and needs to find another, her asshole landlady and her ailments. I can’t take this anymore…

So my New Year’s resolution… Well, I don’t know if you can call it a resolution. I always see resolutions as giving up things that are bad for you or just bad habits. You make resolutions to quit smoking (that’s not happening), exercising more (also not going to happen), eating better (I already do, or did before I broke a tooth), stop gambling, quit drinking… shit like that. Those are resolutions.

My New Year’s resolution is more like a promise to myself… I’ve been slacking on my hippie-dippy ways which isn’t good. So I’m going to start 2021 by focusing on myself. I’m going to try to find the inner peace I so desperately need right now. I’m going to spend more time meditating and just being. I’m going to live more in the moment.

But most importantly, I’m not going to let people like Morticia delegate what kind of emotions I’m feeling or allowing them to raise my stress levels. I just can’t… She’s so full of negativity that she literally drains all the energy out of me. She’s like a leech… She latches onto me and uses her bitching to suck out all my positive vibes and leaves me empty. Nope… Sorry, but that’s not happening anymore…

I’m also going to do my damndest to get back in the groove again…

I have no idea what’s caused this horrible art block. It’s literally been years since I’ve drawn anything of importance (except a new profile picture for Facepuke). I’m not sure what’s been holding me back, but I’m so tired of it. Now even my writing is beginning to suffer so I have no creative outlet at all. That depresses me and makes the situation worse. This is the worst art block I’ve ever had and I’m hoping that maybe this year I can get out of this funk.

Maybe working on me, on my mental health, meditating, doing my hippie-dippy thing, will help me get out of whatever this funk is. Maybe it will help me pinpoint the moment that started it so I can work through it. I need something… Not having this creative outlet is really beginning to take its toll on me.

But, you know, these are all moot points…

Every new year, I have hopes that this year will be better. I hope that I’ll get better mentally, that I won’t need to worry so much about things anymore, that maybe I’ll finally get my break in the art world, that maybe I’ll find that inner peace…

Every year it turns out to be the hope of the fucking hopeless…

There’s a superstition among people of my ethnic background that eating pork and sauerkraut the first day of the new year will bring you good luck the entire year… Normally I’m not superstitious, but I do follow ethnic traditions. I have hex signs in my house and, until I developed reflux and lost my gall bladder, I ate pork and sauerkraut every single January 1st. Do you know how many years that actually helped?! I can count them on no fingers… Nothing has changed since I’ve been unable to eat pork and sauerkraut. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. It’s been that way my entire life. So do I have hopes or expectations for the new year? Not really…

If nothing else, I at least have one thing to look forward to and that’s my guitar lessons that start on the 4th.

I honestly can’t wait for that… I love making music. Maybe it’s because I love music so much. Maybe it’s because I have perfect pitch and can play anything. Who knows… My family is very musical, hence the reason why I’m able to do these things. I’m already getting a good jump start on things, so hopefully my lessons will go well and I’ll be able to kick ass. Anything is possible I guess…

It’s A Propaganda Bomb!

Has anyone ever watched the show M*A*S*H…? Well, if you haven’t, you should. The first few seasons made in the early 70s were funny as fuck! What the hell are you doing reading my inane ramblings?! Go watch this show!

Anyway… In one episode, an unexploded bomb lands in the camp (a US bomb) and, unfortunately for Hawkeye and Trapper, they have to try and disarm it using the instructions Henry calls out to them. Unfortunately, Henry is a bumbling fool of a commanding officer and doesn’t read them off right. The bomb is going to blow! Hawkeye and Trapper run like hell, throw themselves to the ground and wait for the imminent explosion.

It does explode, but not how you would expect… When it blows, it sends papers up in the air to gently float down. On it was printed a message to the enemy to give up, that they can’t win, to which Trapper responds, “It’s a propaganda bomb!” Quite possibly one of the funniest lines written for this show.

So, those who are unfamiliar with propaganda and how it works…

Take this poster for instance. I honestly have no idea where the fuck they were going with this point… So if you drive alone in your car, you’re carpooling with Hitler?! Yeah, see, when you think about it, this makes absolutely zero sense, right? But Hitler was such a hated person (well, by the allied nations, anyway) that they would use him as a means of getting people to do what the government wanted them to do. In this case, they wanted people to car pool, probably to save on gas, and figured the best way to get Americans to do what they wanted was to tell them that, if they didn’t car pool, they were pretty much for the Nazi party. That’s how propaganda works, more or less. You want the public to do something? Well… just make them think that, if they don’t do it that they’re an evil person, they’re unpatriotic, they’re against their country, they don’t care how many people die and BAM!! They’ll follow like sheep follow their shepherd. That’s how it works.

One of the more disturbing pieces of propaganda is Walt Disney’s “Education For Death, The Making Of A Nazi“. I came across this while doing a project on the history of animation for college… I know, that seems weird it’s a Disney cartoon (seeing as how everyone thinks Disney was secretly an anti-semite) but he was asked and made this animated propaganda short. It was… disturbing… I’m sure that was the purpose of it, to disturb viewers. They take a sweet, sensitive, innocent boy and turn him into a finely tuned killing machine. I added the link, but be warned if you watch it. It’s actually upsetting…

Christmas Star, an alignment of Jupiter and Saturn

Hold tight, I’m getting to my point…

I had shared a picture on Facepuke of the Christmas Star (the aligning of Jupiter and Saturn) similar to this one. Actually, the one I shared was more realistic, but… Pretty, right? Yeah, Facepuke slapped that shit down in a hurry… I received a message that it was false information, so say their fact checkers. Mind you, the fact checkers often get things wrong (like the post I shared about the real Aunt Jemima that actually was factual). Hey, real picture or not, it was pretty and festive. It also wasn’t hurting anyone.

The actual factual of what they know thus far…

Fast forward to yesterday…

I was on Facepuke and a cousin, who swears he’s not a die hard Republican even though he blames everything wrong in the world on those “damned Liberals”, shared two different posts, both with the same content stating that this bombing happened because they were going to test the voting machines to prove (or disprove, I suppose) a fraudulent election. The company that was to do this was a subsidiary of a company of another company that is part owned by Biden and that’s why everything got blown to smithereens. This was followed by, “Still think we’re crazy?” YES!!! Actually, I do, not surprisingly! What the fuck is wrong with people?! Are you that swayed by Trump and his merry band of assholes that you’ll believe every fucking thing you hear?! Christ, this guy could have been nothing more than a disgruntled worker who had severe mental issues and suddenly it’s government conspiracy!

Needless to say… I flipped the fuck out in a post and have decided to stay off social media for a while…

It’s not unusual for me to lose my shit. I do that almost every single day. It’s not always warranted, but this time it was.

Listen, if your asshole “independent fact checkers” have an issue with an image of a fake Christmas star, an image that hurt absolutely no one, enough that you could take it off my wall, then tell me… Why do the same rules no apply when it comes to political conspiracies, huh?! That does hurt people, yet that’s perfectly alright. All the hash slinging bullshit this last election… every bit of it was perfectly fine to share on Facepuke even though Twitter actually removed tweets from The Great Pumpkin when he was throwing a tantrum that he had lost. So Facepuke is biased, I suppose? Well, I’m not having it… Hence the nasty post. Put me in Facepuke jail for 3 days; I won’t miss it. Assholes…

A friend of mine send me this in messenger yesterday. She said she didn’t want to post it to my wall because she knows I have issues on Facepuke… Anyway, it’s true when you think about it. Zucker the Fucker is certainly controlling what info we are allowed to see and share. So what happened to our constitutional rights, there, Zuck…? Yeah… that’s what I thought. And the faces here bear an uncanny likeness, don’t they? I think that’s the most interesting part of this entire thing. It really makes me want to start my own social media where there are no politics, no hateful/racial posts, no religious shit. Just what’s going on in your life, pleasant or funny posts and stupid cat videos. If I only had that kind of money…

Enough about propaganda, fear mongering and “fact checking”…

Yesterday I took some funky stickers I had and decorated my guitar case. It was so boring, just this plain black case. I needed it to say it was my case, so I did this.

I also went to a guitar shop looking for a strap. That’s one thing I didn’t have that I needed, so I went in search of something that would match the red of my beauty. I actually found one that matches my guitar as well as my personality. While I was there, I also picked up a few new picks to try out and I asked if they did in person lessons (the store it came from is not offering them now due to COVID) and they do! Not only that, it’s cheaper than the other place and closer to home (a much less anxiety inducing drive). Luckily, the one guy there had openings Mondays at 4PM. I start this Monday! I’m pretty excited! I’ve been taking to it well without lessons so far. Imagine how much better I’ll get with them!

As for the job I got at the record store (and couldn’t start due to COVID testing)… I still don’t know what to do. I mean, I’m doing okay without so many anti-anxiety meds (I’m down from 3 a day to 1), but that’s because I’ve been spending time at home and only go out when I want to, not because I have to. I’ve always gotten very stressed at jobs and I don’t care if you’re a customer or not, you speak rudely to me or be condescending and I will get nasty and flip shit on you. That’s… not a good thing.

Besides, I’m in the process of convincing my shrink to take me off the antidepressant for a while, just to lose the blubber the last one put on (which I can’t do when I’m on meds). I won’t be able to accomplish that and have a job where I don’t blow like Krakatoa on a regular basis. It’s a pain in the ass… I think I need more time to adjust to not having meds and going out when I have to and be okay with it before diving head first into a job. But everyone keeps telling me this will be good for me. I’m confused and don’t know what to do. But I need to make a decision soon…

Make her hair purple and we’re pretty close, hahahaa…

So, until I do decide, I’m just going to go with the flow as much as I can.

I know… that sounds hippie-dippy, doesn’t it? Well… that hippy-dippy stuff has been helping me so far. I don’t want to lose that.

But it makes me wonder, dear readers who suffer the same annoying mental issues, how do you cope? Do you find that you’re okay working a job or is it literally the most obnoxiously difficult thing that you’ve ever had to do? Do you think it would be helpful or harmful for me to try and attempt? Can you control yourself around others? Have you divulged what the fuck is up with your crazy ass brain that makes you goofy sometimes? Do you think people should divulge that info? Let me know what you guys think. I’m really struggling with this decision…

Let The Letdown Begin!

So here we are… the day after Christmas.

This is actually one of the days I hate most out of the entire year for reasons that I’m sure a lot of people experience… the dreaded “post Christmas letdown”. I mean, obviously I’m suffering from something. I was just ditty-bopping to “Video Killed The Radio Star”… Who does that?! Yeah, people having a mental moment, that’s who…

But songs from my childhood aside…

It doesn’t matter how good or how shitty the presents you got were, how great or shitty a time you had, whether you spent it with family or all alone in peace and quiet. Most of us experience that “post Christmas letdown”. And let’s face it, the reason we experience it isn’t because of our Christmas Day experiences. It’s because we look forward to that day for what can feel like an eternity, usually from around the Happy Hallothanksmas season begins (there are no separate holidays anymore, folks). Then the day finally arrives! Then, just like that, it’s over and feels very anticlimactic. *Sigh*

Technically, I had 2 Christmases… sort of. December 24th is what they call “Toy Day” in Animal Crossing. I helped the reindeer, Jingle, pass out presents from Santa to some of my villagers (a few gave me one in return) then I got to do gift exchanges with them. It was actually kind of fun! And I was feeling so festive that I decided to set up a cute scene with my character and villagers. It was pretty cute!

Christmas was also weird this year…

My sister went a little to the extreme with the whole COVID situation… I had to set the presents I bought for her, her boyfriend, my nieces and the boyfriend of one of them out on my porch for her to pick up and she dropped off what she’d bought. I thought that was a little weird…

What was weirder was when we did a FaceTime call so I could see them opening presents. She answered the call with a mask on and I asked what the hell for. I was told they were practicing safety and social distancing. Seriously?! These are your daughters! What the fuck is up with that?!

Anyway… Surprisingly she didn’t get me art supplies this year. Instead, she got me a lot of Corgi items (a shirt, socks, dish towel, ornament, mug), these Snoopy slippers (I love Snoopy) and these socks titled “Poe-ka Dots”! Aren’t they a scream?! I didn’t even know she knew I liked Poe! Either way, they are now my new favorite socks! I just love funky socks!

And, to my surprise, I got Snuffles!

In my late teens, I used to frequent a store called Noah’s Ark, a place that sold stuffed animals and a few toys. I always adored the Gund stuffed animals, in particular this bear. Years ago, I bought myself a small pink one and a larger chocolate brown one. But they were lost over the years…

Imagine my surprise when I saw an ad on Facebook from Gund and saw they still made the same bear! I was ecstatic! I had made mention of it and how I had two of them and missed them. I didn’t expect anyone to get me the bear I’d missed all these years, so you can imagine how surprised I was to open the box and saw this adorable, soft, squishy friend inside! Yes, I’m an adult (an old one at that) but I still love a soft squishy friend!

But the best present by far was my new guitar!

When my mom’s boyfriend first came to live with us (I was 12), he had a 6 string guitar that I was told I was not allowed to touch. Yeah… you know I didn’t listen to that. When they weren’t home, I used to fool around on it. He was never any the wiser. I don’t know why he didn’t want me to touch it… He knew I was a piano player and I would never destroy an instrument. Well, he was an ass… That’s like the only defense I have for him. But ever since then, I’ve wanted one.

So here he is! Isn’t he beautiful…?

I decided on a 12 string because there are songs I want to learn that require a 12 string, so I figured the hell with it. This way I can play anything I want to. Well… after I take some lessons. I have no idea how to make chords, where to put my fingers and whatnot.

However, if there is one advantage to being able to play by ear, it’s the fact that I can literally pick out at least the melody of songs on any instrument I get my hands on. That was how I spent most of my day yesterday. I was actually doing some interesting stuff! I was also watching some videos on how to make certain chords and screwing around with that a bit. Oddly, this is coming to me pretty easily, so when I get lessons it should be pretty easy to pick up. I hope…

In other news…

My constant companion has returned… Yep, my “buddy”, Anxiety.

This whole thing about getting this job in that record store had literally set my anxiety off all over again. And just when I was starting to do good off of two of my doses of Klonopin… I’m not sure what to do. Should I start and see what happens and risk a relapse? Or should I just say fuck it and not bother? It’s a tough call…

Me when I think about working in a busy mall…

I’m just not sure I’m ready for such a big change…

I’m still having issues with the idea of leaving the house, driving… just being out and about if I’m not necessarily feeling up to the challenge. If I go out because I want to, the anxiety isn’t there (except for driving). But, if I don’t want to go out and I have to… That’s a whole different story. That’s when my anxiety levels rise to a point that I just can’t deal.

Which is why, right now, the big question is what to do about this job. Yes, it’s perfect for me and I know that. I’m very knowledgable about music, I have a huge collection of vinyl and there’s nothing I love more than both those things (except art, of course). But does that mean a job is the right thing for me right now? Ever since I accepted it, I’ve been having the worst anxiety about it. I’m starting to second guess myself as to whether or not I can do this, which is where all the stress and anxiety come into play. Fun times…

Of course, it’s not as if I can’t look into alternative medicines…

Luckily I live in a state where medical marijuana is legal. Though I highly doubt I could drive when I smoke or vape it, it’s still an alternative to continue being addicted to anti anxiety meds, right? And if you get the right strain, it will help you feel relaxed and happy…

Though whether or not it will make me feel happy enough about starting a job I’m apprehensive about, I have no idea…

What The Fuck Do They Want From Me…?!?

“Say So” Fortnite emoji, my current favorite…

This is Grimoire, my current favorite Fortnite skin doing my favorite emoji for the song “Say So” by Doja Cat. No reason for this being here… It’s just that this emoji has given me a new song to obsess over for a while, that’s all… And I like this dance.

Anyway… So I got my COVID results back and they came back negative. I’m a little leery on that. I mean, when I was tested months ago, I knew it wasn’t COVID because it was rag weed season and I’m always a hot mess that time of year. But this time was different. I never loss my sense of smell completely no matter how congested I was. I have some other symptoms as well, like the loss of appetite, nausea, food tastes downright wrong, I’m doing nothing but sleeping and I just feel run down and like complete ass. And I’ve been feeling worse since this all started. My sister (the nurse practitioner) and her doctor boyfriend said I should get retested, especially since they only tested one side of my nose. My family doctor seems to think I’ll be fine, but I really feel lousy. So either retest me or test me for H1N1 (the flu) because something funky is going on in my body.

Now, with the negative result, it told me that I should continue to quarantine as long as I’m having symptoms and if they persist or worsen to call my family doctor, which I did.

He tells me I should be good to go, but the hospital where I got the test done said continue to quarantine. The doc told me he didn’t think that was necessary. My sister and her boyfriend say quarantine and get retested.

So here’s my question… What the fuck do these people want from me?!?

No, that’s a serious question… People are being told by their jobs to stay home for a sniffle (and you need a doctor’s note saying it’s okay to return), Even though I’m negative, I’m supposed to quarantine as long as I have symptoms but the family doctor says I can go back to work, so… which is it?!? Christ, I don’t know if I should scratch my watch or wind my ass these days!

I have no idea what to do at this point… Should I start my new job (if I still have it since, you know, I had to call off my first day and quarantine) or should I get retested for COVID and tested for the flu as well? Should I go work in a record store in the mall around a lot of people or should I be responsible and stay home to not infect other people? I don’t know… But I do have to call my new boss today and let her know what the fuck I’m doing…

This COVID shit is getting to be a real pain in the ass… No one seems to know exactly what they should be doing because everyone tells you something different all the time. The rules change at the drop of a hat and if you don’t keep up with it, you’re going to get fucked. So the fucking hell with it… I’m just going to do what I think is the right thing to do and follow that. I’m tired of all this indecision. Make up my fucking mind as to what you want us to do and all of you stick with the same protocol. Problem solved…

The perfect Christmas gift for all the Karens in your life…

On a different note…

Morticia has been driving me bat shit insane… We’re doing this thing again where she calls me a million times a day, sometimes one right after the other if I don’t pick up, to dump all of her shit on me. And believe me, if I thought she was dumping shit on me before, I was wrong. That pales in comparison to the shit getting dumped on me now. She’s also been taking out her aggressions about her personal matters on me and it’s really starting to piss me off. Don’t personally attack me just because your life sucks right now. Not my circus, not my monkeys… I didn’t make it suck, I’m not having this where I get attacked like I was personally responsible for whatever pickle is up your ass… I’ve been trying to avoid her, but it’s not always possible to do so. Though I think I found a solution to the problem. Perhaps I should buy her this journal for Christmas. I don’t think she’ll get the hint, but hey, there’s always hope.

Even my hippie-dippy shit isn’t helping me right now…

Honestly, I’m just totally fed up and disillusioned with human beings in general and the world as a whole. My depression and anxiety levels have been rising slow and steady (sometimes spiking quickly). And I was doing so much better being off some of my meds… But then the election shit happened. And Morticia became a huge hemorrhoid again… And all this COVID shit… And I don’t know if I’m ready to try having a part time job again, but there it is… I’m seriously starting to lose my shit and I’m not sure what to do. Yeah, it’s nice that people are trying to encourage me, telling me that this will be a great opportunity for me, working this job, but I still have a lot of reservations about it and I’m not sure it’s the right decision.

At this point, I think I should just go off the grid and say fuck it… I have to get away from all the crazy in the world because it’s making even molehills seem like mountains anymore…

You Might Have The ‘Rona, Karen!

Gotta love the internet…

Apparently people were leaving negative reviews on Yankee Candles, stating they didn’t smell or the scent was very faint. Finally, someone decided enough was enough and commented on one of the reviews, “You’ve got the ‘Rona, Karen.” I thought that was funny as fuck, to be honest.

However, things became not so funny for me when, one morning, I was changing the wallflower plug in. Usually I get hit by an overpowering smell when I open the refill… but I didn’t. I didn’t think much of it until a bit later. Usually, the entire downstairs is flooded with scent within about 20 minutes. When I still didn’t smell anything, I got a bit worried, but I blew it off. Or I did until the following night when, all of a sudden, like someone turned on a switch, I smelled the refill. Uh-oh… That’s really not a good sign. It also wasn’t a good sign that I took a 6 hour nap before that happened. I had also noticed food tasted really bland, like it didn’t have much flavor and, at times, just tasted downright funky. So, after a few days, I texted my sister and she suggested I get tested. So did my family doctor. So yay… I might have the ‘Rona…Right before Christmas!

Now, I’d been tested before because of all my never-ending sinus congestion (I wasn’t worried, I could still smell and taste), so I knew what was going to happen.

In fact, the doctor I saw asked if I’d had one done before. I replied that I had and his response was, “Oh good, then you know what to expect.” I responded with, “Yeah, you’re going to give me a full frontal lobotomy with a small bottle brush…” He… didn’t say much after that. I’m sure it’s because I was onto them, hahaha…

I’ve known so many people that had it done and they all say, “Oh, it’s not that bad…” Let me tell you, they’re either not being honest or they have no feeling inside their nose. Or the test isn’t being done right. I swear to Christ, they go up so far into your nose, they could give you a fucking lobotomy! That’s a rather frightening thought, isn’t it? But if it has to be done, you gotta do what you gotta do…

So let’s make the situation worse…

I got a part time job, my first job in over 11 years! It’s at a local mall in, of all apt places, a record store! Sounds perfect for me, yeah? I’m overly knowledgable with music (I even stumped the one older guy that works there), I love vinyl and I get to play vinyl while I’m there! Awesomesauce, right? It’s like my perfect job!

Yeah, it was awesome sauce until I had to call of on what would have been my start date because I had to go get a COVID test done… Seriously, how bad does that look?! I feel bad, but they all kept telling me not to worry, I couldn’t have foreseen it. This is true… I got hired Monday, lost my sense of smell Thursday morning, it came back late Friday night and Monday I had to go for my lobotomy test. Honestly, I hope it’s positive. then I can get it over and done with, since most people don’t get it twice. So I’ll approach it like chicken pox…

I just want to feel okay for Christmas…

I bought one of those beautiful Balsam Hill trees this year because my old one finally shit out on me. Isn’t it pretty?

The problem is… what if I still fell bad or if I get worse? What if I can’t spend the holiday with my family and friends?

So I’m asking all of you, my dear readers… Keep your fingers crossed that I’ll feel okay at the very least so I’m not sick as a dog and can actually sort of enjoy my holiday even if I have to spend it in isolation and alone.

And, as for all of you… I hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you happen to celebrate at this time of year.

And keep that fucking ‘Rona at bay…

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