Well Hello!

Hello, dear readers! It’s been a very long time since I last wrote. I could tell you it’s because of some amazing things I’ve been doing, but the truth is… I haven’t. I’ve actually been incredibly depressed. See this picture…? You’d never know it, but this is the face of someone that was trapped in this deep void of overwhelming sadness and despair. This is what depression looks like… It can look totally normal on the outside because we’ve become so good at hiding what we feel on the inside…

But I digress…

Today I’m feeling so -so and I figured I should give you all an update as to what’s been going on. Not that you guys are anxiously hanging on my every word. If you are, you need to get out more, seriously… In any case, I thought it was time to get my ass in gear, suck it up, buttercup, crawl out of the abyss of depression for a few moments and give you a journal entry… So enjoy my inane ramblings…

Before I get too far into the crazy, I want to take a moment to say rest in peace, Ozzy…

So… I’m old. Not that you all didn’t know that already… Ozzy has been a star all my 52 years. I grew up with Black Sabbath tunes on the radio, spent my teen and early adult years listening to his solo work… If you met a teen in those days that didn’t know who Ozzy Osbourne was, they either came from a highly religious family that didn’t allow “the Devil’s Music” or they had been living in complete isolation from everyone and everything in the world. Learning of his passing was a bit devastating, especially for other Gen Xers like myself. We grew up on Black Sabbath and Ozzy, we didn’t know a world without him and didn’t want to.

A few weeks before his passing, I found this duck at Five Below for $5… Yep, you read that right, $5… Now this duck is worth between $20 and $140 dollars, at least that’s what I’m seeing online. You got it, people are cashing in on his death via a rubber duck… That’s just so sad… Well, my Ozzy duck is staying where it is…

So what have I been up to…? This, for the most part. Breathing, got mad at some things, sighed heavily a lot…

I watched Star Trek: Strange New Worlds… Like all the episodes to date… My sister told me I should watch it, so I binge watched the first two seasons and part of the third, After flipping shit because this character didn’t look right and that character would never behave that way (most of this was aimed at Spock), I rather enjoyed it. However, I still had some issues like, “But Vulcans don’t fuck like that!” and, “But they can’t do that this way because it doesn’t match up with the original timeline!” I just shouldn’t watch revivals of old Star Trek characters… It just sends me off on a tangent that’s a bit loud and opinionated.

I’ve also been wasting time playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure on my Switch. Cute, isn’t it? And fairly easy to play. It’s slow paced, character interactive… You can be a kitty… Hahahaa! I know, that has nothing to do with anything. You can make yourself other animals as well, I just wanted to be a cat and I thought it was the cutest animal you can be. It’s been taking up a lot of time, though… That’s one thing I wasn’t keen on the further I got into the game, how time consuming it was. Not as time consuming as Animal Crossing New Horizons, but almost. The only thing that sucks with Hello Kitty is that you don’t get to really customize things or your surroundings. That’s why I like Animal Crossing so much…

I’ve also been having a lot of doctor appointments… I was sent for a DEXA fracture assessment scan, something they should have apparently done with my regular DEXA scan… Osteoporosis sucks. It came back that I have two mild fractures in my spine. You’re shitting me, right…? They were not… So I had to get in touch with the spine program (I’m already a member) to schedule physical therapy. I guess working on my core muscles will help? Whatever… Anyway, the guy that runs the program agreed with me that I should go see an orthopedist before starting therapy to make sure it was safe for me to do so. But I couldn’t get in to see the guy I normally do and decided to see the only other back surgeon they have. What a nightmare… I’d like to know what physician’s assistants do, exactly, because I had to answer those questions three fucking times! Talk about a lack of communication… They had done an x-ray before I saw the doctor and, after he looked at it and finally came in the room, He said, “Who told you that you have fractures? You don’t have fractures,” along with referring to them as “imaginary fractures” like I was making shit up. I told him the DEXA fracture assessment results were in my chart and they said I had two fractures. Even when he saw that, he didn’t believe it, nor did he believe I have osteoporosis. He told me, “Unless I’m blind, and I’m not, it would show up in the x-ray.” Shows what he knows… When they thought I broke my foot years ago, I was told small fractures don’t show on x-ray. Moron…

Since it’s summer, I decided to work on my windowsill garden… I love plants. I’m not always great with indoor plants (I’m better with outdoor plants) but they seem to grow fairly well on my kitchen windowsill (my windowsill caked with plant dirt, don’t judge). The one in the middle is a plant I’ve had since moving into this house 18 years ago that I named Frank. Sadly, it seems Frank is coming to the end of his lifecycle. I did find that you can grow cuttings from money trees, so I’m hoping to sprout some off-shoots from Frank.

My mother also potted some flower seeds and brought up a bunch of them for my house… I guess the thought process was to share the wealth? Or maybe it was that working on gardening is good for the soul. It helps with depression a little bit. I’ve always felt better when I was playing in the dirt…

The problem was where do I put them? I literally had no room for them. My deck out back is small and putting them in the yard was a bad idea. Two crazy corgis and flower pots don’t mix well… But I did have this small table sitting out back as well as well as some cinder blocks and this random piece I laid over top. It’s not the best solution, but it works okay… Roxy stays away from them but Baxter seems to go up in that corner of the yard more than he did before they were there…

One of the perks of summer is being able to cook out on the grill. I recently bought a Blackstone flat top grill. That’s the best purchase I ever made! I’ve been grilling everything I can! In fact, this entire meal, including the tomatoes, was cooked on the grill. So delicious!

The dumb thing is, even though I’m eating healthy foods, I still keep gaining weight… I’ve had everything checked and they say I’m fine, though some of my levels of things are very low. I’m just so confused as to why I can’t lose weight and continue to gain all the time…

To counteract this insane amount of fatness, I’ve been trying to get out more and do things to try and work it off. There’s a large park near me that’s more like a forest with hiking trails ( killer hiking trails) that I’ve visited. Stupidly, I chose some of the hottest days of the year to go walking through there… I don’t know what I was thinking. I haven’t sweat like that in a very long time. I don’t tolerate heat very well so I was feeling really shitty… Plus I shouldn’t go during rag weed season. I’m highly allergic and my sinuses feel like hot garbage… I love getting out in nature, walking in creeks and I love visiting this park, but during ragweed season? Yeah, I stay inside and have happier sinuses…

And those of you who are looking at this and saying, “What the fuck is she talking about? She’s not fat…” Well, when your arms are up like this, it helps slim you. And I’m sucking in my stomach, like severely sucking it in. I was actually having a hard time holding this pose because it was that difficult holding my stomach in. But even with getting more exercise, it hasn’t been helping me lose shit. I’m just getting fatter and fatter… Worse, the last time I went, I twisted my knee and had to lay around for two days because the pain was so bad. That’s not helpful…

Ugh, I look so fucking fat in this picture… Even my fingers have gotten fat and I’ve had to stop wearing a lot of my rings…

Anyway… My shrink changed one of my meds because I’ve been feeling so sad and full of despair. I haven’t done anything I always enjoyed for a very long time. I haven’t even been drawing… My therapist tells me that I should make it a point to draw, even if it’s just doodling. First of all, my “doodles” aren’t like other people’s doodles… My doodles are like other people’s drawings. And it doesn’t work like that! I have to have that creative spark and I haven’t had it in a very long time… I haven’t even picked Constantine up in a very long time. But last week I was feeling pretty good and decided it was time to play. Wow, was I rusty! It took me forever to get back in the swing of how to make certain chords and trying to remember songs I’d learned. And I’d lost my calluses so I couldn’t play long before it hurt too badly.

Speaking of my new med…

It seems to be helping me for the most part. But… it has its downsides… After about two weeks on it, I started getting pins and needles and my legs began feeling weak like they were going to give out on me. Sometimes it would move to my torso and arms, even my face. I just dealt with it, thinking it was just from sitting around too much as it would eventually get better when I was moving around. But then one day, it was so bad I was having trouble walking… Seeing as how all my doctors kept telling me to stay on it and things were getting worse, I was beginning to wonder if it was from the new med. So I made a trip to the ER… They called a stroke alert on me… Nothing makes you feel more old than that, let me tell you. They assessed me right away and found it wasn’t a stroke, but obviously something wasn’t right. I ended up getting tested for everything… I had an EKG, bloodwork which included tests for two mineral levels and my TSH (thyroid) levels because all of those could have caused al this. But my bloodwork came back better than it has in a very long time. My TSH levels were on the low side, but they were still okay. Once everything came back fine, the doctor determined it was probably withdrawal from the one I’d switched from and effects from the new one combining into this shit show. But these are suppose to be beneficial…?! Right…

This is my stray cat that took up in my yard one day and decided to stay for the past 5 or 6 years… Isn’t he pretty? I’d bring him inside but he likes living the free life too much…

So yeah, that’s been it, mostly… I’ve just been spending a lot of time being depressed and uninspired. Isn’t that awful…? Honestly, I’m hoping that this new med will improve that without side effects, like getting fat or not being able to feel my legs… Seriously, what the fuck is up with that?! I know meds have side effects, but that’s insane!

I’m sorry; this entry has been rather dull… I’m still having issues with my creativity being on hiatus. Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to say next time, whenever that is… Send those good vibes out, dear reader. I need them right now…

How Jackie Got Her Groove…

I’ve never been a trendsetter… I’ve never followed the latest anything, wore the latest fashions… Hell, I didn’t even listen to modern music exclusively all my life, preferring to listen to whatever I was in the mood for at the time. I marched to my own drummer as a band of one. No one followed me, admired me or wanted to be anything like me. I was the weirdo… I was the girl who was born into the wrong era, misplaced in time. It was as if I lived in another era within the current one, always. Oh, I kept current enough… I have a smart phone (though it took me a long time to make the switch to one without a slide out keyboard), I have BlueTooth speakers, a BlueRay player, I finally got rid of cable and stream the things I watch, I have an Apple Watch now instead of a traditional one (though I still have a traditional one), I have a newer car with a touch screen stereo… I’m not totally behind the times. I stay current enough, but I keep myself retro enough that I still live in that other era. I am, by no means, a trendsetter… Never have been and, as far as I know, I never will be. Especially at my age… I’ll be– um– old enough to know better in a few weeks. Old farts don’t become trendsetters, end of story…

I had some appointments earlier this week (and goody, I get to go for more tests) and, since it was such a nice day, I decided to slap on a little makeup and wear one of my favorite t-shirts, my faithful bell bottom jeans and my brown faux leather boat shoes. I can’t tell you how many compliments I got on this outfit (shown here)… I literally just threw clothes on and people go out of their way to tell me how much they love my outfit… I get not a word when I put time into what I wear, mind you, haha! The irony… I get a lot of compliments on my jewelry, too. Everyone wants to see it, tells me how much they love it, that they love how I stack my rings… I’ve had people compliment my coats, my retro look, my hats… If they only knew I’ve been wearing my hats because my hair is getting a bit thin because of my health issues and that’s why I’m wearing them… But I think I pull them off well. Either way, I’m not doing anything special and I’m getting all this attention and it’s just fucking weird and a foreign concept to me. I don’t like it and I wish it would stop, I really do…

I also seem to be getting people to jump on another bandwagon… I’ve been taking one of my needlepoint kits with me (my sunflower one, it has less colors) when I go to appointments to have something constructive to do. Ive had so many people approach me to tell me they haven’t seen anyone do needlepoint in a long time, they ask to see what I’m working on, ask where I’m finding the kits (Amazon, of course)… It seems there are a lot of people who would like to take up needlepoint because they, too, hate any kind of cross stitch like me. But I don’t think the thought really crossed their minds too terribly much until they saw me working on one. That was when they suddenly got the desire to start looking for needlepoint kits and start going crazy sewing one. Of course they’re still not easy to find. Needlepoint is becoming a dead craft. I’m hoping to bring it back because I really hate cross stitch with a passion.

One of my appointments this week was to see the GI doctor… I actually got to see the doctor this time, for the first time in a fucking year! The rest of the time I’d been seeing whatever twelve year old that got her degree to be a nurse practitioner from a Happy Meal… I thought maybe the doctor would listen, give better advice, do something to help me… Nope, I still got the , “It’s your IBS,” shit… His grand master plan to make me feel better? It’s to follow this diet here. So you eat all the foods in the “do” list until you feel better, then add foods from the other lists, one at a time, to see which ones trigger you and put them on your “don’t” list. The problem is, the first night I ate dinner with nothing but stuff from the “do” list and I got so fucking sick… So much for the elimination diet. I can’t even eat from the “do” list without getting sick! But this is his solution and I’m fucking done with it. I got the name of a really good doctor, so I’ll be going for a second opinion I shouldn’t have to live in abject misery the rest of my life because the doctor is an idiot…

But the week did come with a joyous occasion… My marshmallow, Sebastian, turned 14 this week!

You know, it’s hard to imagine that he’s 14… A little over six years ago, I wasn’t sure he was going to be here to see 8… When he began having trouble with bladder blockages and I did some research, it looked grim. And in the short span of just a few days, I was faced with a grim reality. If I wanted to save his life, he needed PU surgery. In essence, they cut his little knob off and rerouted his urethra to give it a larger opening. I had to borrow the two thousand it cost from my sister, braved the beginning of what was to be a horrendous snow storm and drove him to the vet with no idea whether or not he’d even survive the surgery. But I knew if I didn’t do anything, he’d die a horrible death at home. I did what I had to do… He was just shy of his 8th birthday, he had a lot of years left. He wasn’t ready to go yet.

The aftermath was a disaster… But he pulled through and has made it six years so far! I don’t know how much longer he has left, but however long it is, I’m letting him decide. He’s been through so much already… At this point, it’s his call when he’s ready to go. But, until then, I plan to make a fuss over every birthday he’s here to celebrate. He’s earned that.

Speaking of… I have a birthday coming up very soon. And, I assume to remind me of that, my sister (who is five years my senior) sent me this in a text… I actually did get this, which I assume anyone who watched Hogan’s Heroes would get it even if they weren’t old. And don’t get me started on those absolute shit new Star Trek movies and what a joke they are… I was just flipping shit about how horrible they were a day or two before she sent this to me (how weird is that). But old as this made me feel, it’s okay… Her birthday is exactly a month after mine and you can be sure I’ll return the favor and send her something that will make her feel even older. Even if I don’t, I’ll irritate her by doing my normal thing and sending her the video for the song “Happy Birthday” by Altered Images. It was made in the early 80s, which makes her feel old, and she hates the fact that it gets stuck in her head all day long just by seeing the title of it. She hates that song! I’ll have my revenge for her making me feel old, haha!

So what was the point to all this…? I guess just that, no matter how ld you are, apparently you can find your groove even if you never found it before and you can be a trendsetter even when people thought you dressed like you bought all your clothing at the worst thrift stores before that. But who cares… Do your own thing, be you and, if people compliment you, figure out how to take it as one. I have trouble with that part, but I’m working on it…

And buy these mints! If you love strawberry flavor, you need these mints! Oh my god… I could literally eat the entire tin in one shot if I didn’t stop myself, they’re that good! I bought them on a whim because they sounded good and I don’t think I ever want another mint in my purse! So if you’re going to do one thing for yourself today, go buy these! You’ll be glad you did!

Well Hello, Dear Readers!

The early 80s: all blinding colors and neon…

I’m sorry for my long absence but, as you can see, I time traveled back to the early 80s and took some gaudy neon pics… Hahahaa… Snapchat is fun when you’re bored and lying around, sick as a dog… Actually, I had the flu. That took several weeks to get rid of and then, just for shits and giggles, it left me with pleurisy, so I had to lay around and do nothing for a bit longer. There’s only so much sleeping and binge watching that one can do, you realize… I did have one activity to keep me busy (except when the aches were at their worst) but still, sometimes you just need a distraction. Snapchat had some fun filters I spent an afternoon fucking with. Oddly enough, my hair looked pretty similar to this when I was in high school (oh, I’m dating myself), but by then the neon was out. That was back when I was a young girl… Anyway, I turned myself into a blueberry, a clown pickle (I have no idea what the fuck that was about), a long haired cat with bows, an egg, Gru from Despicable Me… I really liked that one. I turned it on the television and started turning the actors into Gru. It was hilarious! Well… it was when I was sick and bored off my ass anyway… Who am I kidding? It’s still hilarious and one of the best filters!

Before I got the flu, I decided to pick up my abandoned needlepoint… I’d finished and framed two before this one and I have no idea why I just forgot this one. Life just got in the way, I guess. Something made me start working on it again and I was stitching like a crazy woman! I ended up. finishing it (and I had very little done to begin with) in the matter of a few weeks. The flu helped with that since I was just sitting around… I ordered two more before I finished which seems excessive, but needlepoint kits are hard to find anymore, so when I find ones I like, I buy them no matter what. This particular one is going in my kitchen as soon as I can straighten the canvas back out. As you can see, it’s very crooked just from working on it, having to fold the canvas to reach certain parts to stitch them comfortably… So when I manage to get it back in shape, I have a frame for it and a spot on my wall.

Other than that, I’ve just been playing the role of victim in he medical gaslighting game… I found myself at the ER twice in a week and a half to finally get them to not blow off the pain I was having as GI symptoms from the flu and run tests to discover it was pleurisy… I wouldn’t have been there if I thought it was normal gut pain, assholes… And I’m still playing this game with my doctor concerning my thyroid. I had an ultrasound done, which he called and hurriedly told me everything was fine because I had no nodules. Little did he know, the tech who did the test told me it was more uncommon to not have a nodule… Go figure that one, I’m a freak because I don’t have nodules… Anyway, the test results actually stated that the tissue was, essentially, an uneven thickness throughout on a mild scale (I had to look up what the term they used meant) and that usually indicates a mild autoimmune disorder like Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Do you know, way back in June, I asked my doc and that fucking endocrinologist quack I went to if what was going on could be Hashimoto’s. because I’d done research on low T4 and normal TSH results and that was what it came up with. I have all the signs of it and have for a long time. My GP said possibly, the quack said no, I was fine. So… next month I have an appointment with a different endocrinologist that I hear is top notch. I hope she has some better news for me. I’m tired of feeling tired and shitty all the time.

And, much as I hate to show this… This is what has happened. It all started last February and, in a few short months, I packed on a ton of weight (something I’ve aways been very vain about), the hair I got cut at the end of June that normal grows like a weed has only grown maybe two inches since. Even my face and neck look fat and I’ve never had that before. And all I ever get is, “It’s fine, you’re fine, everything is fine”… Who are they kidding?!? Stop going by arbitrary numbers! People aren’t numbers! Everyone is different, everyone feels good at different sets of numbers! Go by the symptoms and how the patient is feeling! Seriously, when did doctors and nurses stop being doctors and nurses?! Even that weird pain I’ve been having… It’s still there and I’m not completely convinced it was solely from the pleurisy. I can say definitely that some of it was, yes. I’ve had it before and it hurts like a fuck. But something about this just doesn’t feel right… I know, I sound like a hypochondriac… It’s sometimes hard not to be when you were misdiagnosed, had an ovary blow up… Now I have to advocate so hard for myself it isn’t funny because I never want to relive that again.

Ugh, this entry was quite the downer, me doing nothing but bitching about everything… So here’s a leaf sheep to make up for the downer I set you off on. Isn’t it cute? Look up sea bunny, it’s just as adorable! Seriously, why can’t land slugs be as cute as slugs found in the ocean? Land slugs are just gross… If they were cute like these guys, I’m sure no one would mind them in their gardens.

Holly Daze And Sugar Glaze

Well ho fucking ho, dear readers! Did you miss me…? Nah… I know you didn’t. You, like me, were busy running around like chickens with your fucking heads cut off to finish up last minute shopping, thinking the world had gone insane because even the grocery stores looked like the mall on Black Friday and hating people in general because they drive like assholes and they’re just stupid in general. Did I hit the nail on the head? Oh come now, we’re old friends, you and I… You know I won’t judge you if you say you hated people at Christmas. I hate them, too! But I hate them all year, so…

But despite all the idiots (brother, could I tell you stories), the bad drivers and the overpriced items, I hope everyone had a really nice holiday and it turned out the way you wanted it to. Hell, tell me about it! I love comments (hint, hint) so if you feel up to it, drop me your favorite holiday moment this year in a comment. I’d love to hear them!

One of my favorite moments is always when my uncle calls Christmas morning. He lives down south and is too old to travel anymore, so we write and telephone when we can. This year I was more excited because I’d bought this pair of red socks… He and I had this inside joke about red socks ever since I was about 4 and wore a pair on one of his visits. After that, I had to wear them or he’d ask where they were. As I grew older, it faded into the background, but in a letter about a year or two ago we’d had a conversation about red socks and he said I should get a pair, they might make me feel better. So when I saw these, the only pair… Well, I bought them. When he called Christmas Day, I said, “Guess what I’m wearing?” He said he’d have no clue, but as soon as I said it was something he told me I should get and wear because it would make me feel better, without missing a beat he said, “Red socks!” We had a good laugh then had a weird and wonderful conversation about my new socks, what kind they were, all that… It was so fun and reminiscent ! I loved every minute!

I know, you’re thinking, “What the fuck; are you mental?! You had a lengthy conversation about socks?!” I suppose it does sound goofy… But this is a fun inside joke we’ve had going for, what, 47 years now…? That’s a long time to keep it going, which is why the conversation was so special, you see…

But what made it a particularly good Christmas was the fact that, several days before, we had snow! I was so excited! Every year I wish for a white Christmas and every year I get disappointed… In fact, they said this was the first time in 15 or 16 years since we had one. I knew it was going to be older snow, but I didn’t care. It was going to be white outside when I woke up! Then Christmas Eve morning, it snowed again! Christmas snow! I stood outside with the dogs, in nothing but my pajamas, and just let the snow fall on me… there’s nothing more magical than Christmas snow! That was my real present, the fact that I got my white Christmas. I felt good for days all because we had snow this year!

It’s amazing what the simple things in life can do for your outlook on things… Usually I get very depressed around Christmas for whatever reason (most of the time I’m not sure why). It was really nice to feel good for once and not have to put on a “happy face”. This year, the happy face was genuinely mine! Although I must admit, it was kind of weird… When you spend so many holidays feeling depressed, it doesn’t feel quite right to be happy about them… It is what it is I suppose…

New Year’s Eve, however, was a different story…

I had mixed feelings about the day… I was awoken at an ungodly hour by the worst leg cramp in the history of humans (it hurt like a fuck, I yelled), I found out my poor betta had passed away (RIP Indy) and the Raycon earbuds I’d waited so long for were faulty… In the end, I did get them to both work, but what a pain in the ass. They sound amazing, though! I’m wearing them now (like I am in this picture) and they’re so comfy and sound spectacular! I was jamming out for quite a while, going more deaf…

Of course no holiday is complete without listening to Morticia bitch and cry (she called me on Christmas for the same reason). And I also ended up getting into a really bad fight with my brother… I feel bad for how I ended the fight, which was childishly going for the throat and saying something I knew would hurt him. But after all I’d done to help him, to get him back on his feet… To have him treat me the way he did just because he was being selfish and I called him on it… That’s not okay.

TJ (my brother) has some major psychological issues and, unfortunately, I believe is on the wrong meds because they don’t seem to help him. He also has this penchant of destroying the relationships he has with people, something I attribute to the way his father (my mother’s boyfriend) treated him when we were growing up. Be that as it may… For the past two years, he’s been struggling with grief over a long term girlfriend that passed away. One day, the SD card in his phone shit out and he lost all the pictures he had of her. He thought perhaps it was a sign that he should finally move on. I agreed… But in his desire to move on, he decided to delete her memorialized Facebook page. Her family was understandably upset by this and, as I read in the screenshots, they asked nicely for him to not do so and he was a bit of a dick, telling them he needed to do this in order to move on. I told him her death wasn’t just about him, how he felt or what he needed to move on, that it was about her family and friends as well and what they needed. He copped a major attitude with me (he knows better) and it got really ugly from there… I tried being nice, but he was being such an ass that I finally blasted his ass out of the water and went right for the throat. The text I sent was intentionally cruel and hurtful. Then I blocked his number.

Yes, pissing Jackie off can leave you in a very cold place… Especially if I’ve gone out of my way to help you, be nice to you and this is how you repay me, by being a complete and utter ass fuck. I’m too fucking old for this shit and I’ve gone through this one too many times before. There is no forgiveness… Besides, I forgave him for all the things he’d done when we were younger. You’re lucky to get a second chance. If you blow that, you’re dead to me. Call me horrible, but that’s what life has taught me, that forgiveness isn’t for my sake and doesn’t make me feel better at all. And that most people don’t deserve it…

Speaking of cold… This was that beautiful snow that fell several days before Christmas! Isn’t it beautiful? The dogs love snow! It doesn’t matter what time of the day or night it is, how much or little is out there. If they can play in it, they most certainly do! They were zooming all over the yard and Baxter here was catching and eating snowballs! He’s a little stupid sometimes, but that’s okay, I love him anyway! It was pretty cold when we had this snowfall, which is why we were able to keep it as long as we did, thank goodness!

Well, dear readers, I’m off to start on my new project…

This comes from a new company called Fun Whole. The sets are very much like LEGO, same amazing quality, but the price is a lot cheaper and the light kits come with it and not separate. If this were LEGO, it would run about $300 (no light kit). This was on sale for $100 with a light kit! And it looks like a retro record store! I always wanted to own a retro looking record store… This is close enough! I’m so excited to build it and see how it looks! Hey, if nothing else, I can pretend it’s my record store, right…?

Until next time, dear readers… Stay warm, stay happy and go buy some really nice wannabe LEGO. It’s fun to be a kid again!

Classical Gas… Lighting…

See what I did there…? “Classical Gas” (the song), Gaslighting (the term used when people are intentionally making you think you’re going crazy when you aren’t)… Never mind, maybe I’m the only one old enough to know where the fuck I was going with that…

If you’ve never watched the movie Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, I highly recommend it. Not only is it an excellent and well constructed movie for its time, but it’s also where the term “gaslighting” originated from. The husband was making his wife feel as if she was slowly losing her mind by claiming she had purposely moved things in the home and she was imagining the gaslights growing dim every night. She eventually learned she wasn’t imagining it. Her husband was sneaking back into the attic to look for jewels that had been her aunt’s. He was using the gas in the lights…

I’ve been under an awful lot of stress as of late and a good deal of it has to do with gaslighting… A good part of that is the worst type which is medical gaslighting. There’s nothing worse than going to a doctor because you don’t feel right, you know something is off and having them tell you, “It’s fine, you’re fine, everything is fine,” when all the tests prove something is definitely off. Yet they still talk to you like you’re in that meme with that dog sitting in that burning building with a smile on his face because everything is “fine”… I’ve been going through this since February with two different doctors about my thyroid. It actually started before this with more minor symptoms I didn’t think much of. But when I started sleeping my days away and gained 10 pounds in two months despite not changing my diet (and eating less than what little I did eat because I was always sleeping), I went for a checkup. My T4, which had always hovered around .85-.9 (which is fairly low) and I felt “okay” at, suddenly plummeted to .6… But it still wasn’t that low by the lab standards and my GP only looked at the current numbers, not the past pattern. I finally got him to see something was up and he put me on a low dose med (despite my nurse practitioner sister and the endocrinologist saying they wouldn’t have put me on anything). The next time, it had come up slightly, but my T3 dropped. This time my T4 was a tiny bit higher still, but for the first time my TSH has now plummeted. But it’s fine…

Male Siri not hearing correctly yet again…

Honestly, what the fuck does male Siri hear when I speak?!? At least he’s good for a laugh, which I desperately need… So even though my thyroid is getting progressively more fucked up, the doctors don’t want to do anything. And this isn’t good… I still have the cold intolerance, I’m still having weight gain issues, I’m still sleeping too much and have no energy, my hair is falling out (even on my legs which I’m not bitching about but I’ve lost most of my eyebrows now), the hair I got cut at the end of June has only grown an inch, maybe two and I’ve never had it grow so damn slow in all my 51 years… I feel a lump in my throat, especially when I try to sleep at night. My body temp and my blood pressure are both really low no matter what I do… I have a lot of other symptoms but they don’t exactly fit hypothyroidism. They do, however, fit secondary hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s disease. But that takes different tests and the doctors don’t want to hear me. The endocrinologists thinks it’s more logical that all my issues are anxiety…

I’m glad the doctors are comfortable with that assessment, but I’m not… Just because I suffer from anxiety doesn’t men that everything is caused by my anxiety… My osteoporosis certainly wasn’t… But by all means, let’s dismiss everything as anxiety just because I happen to suffer from it. Assholes… So I put on my resting bitch face (see right) and tell them I disagree but to no avail…

So fun facts… I’ve had some appointments that didn’t go well recently. I saw my cardiologist late in November and for all the times I was told my tests and monitor things were fine… I was having more palpitations than I knew which was upsetting. To them the amount was minuscule, sure. But for me to have so many I never even felt? That was terrifying… Then he told me he wanted me to get a genetic marker test done because of the calcium buildup in my heart (thanks, I’d forgotten about that, so I guess my echo wasn’t exactly “fine”). If the results were high, it meant more meds… So Tuesday I went for that test as well as my thyroid. The thyroid is all fucked up, but the genetic marker is low, thank god… I then went for my yearly breathing function test, which seemed the same as last year, and I had my 6 month lung CT that I’m still anxiously waiting for the results from…

Needless to say, all this waiting is taking more of a toll on me than the tests themselves… It’s stressful enough to have to keep going to all these different doctors just to have them gaslight you (well, some of them do) and have the ones who don’t send you for tests to keep an eye on things so you can sit in fear waiting for results that the hospitals will fuck around and wait until the last possible second to give you. I even called the pulmonologist to see if they could kick someone in the ass to read my CT scan faster. For one, my appointment with the doctor is next week and two, I’m more than a little anxious every time they do the damn things. That lung nodule is already a little bigger than a Cherrio… Go grab a Cherrio right now. See the size of it? That’s in my fucking lung… I somehow don’t think that’s good. It’s actually big enough that they could biopsy it and, had they caught it earlier, they probably would have. But it’s been 11mm for a while. Still, you always dread the day that they might tell you that it’s now bigger than that…

I think this is my best picture of Roxie so far

I’ve never spoken much about the person I am with you, dear readers… Oh, I share pictures now and again so you know who this character that calls themselves Jackie Blue really is. I share pictures of my pets, my possessions… I tell you stories about my friends and some family (always with false names). But I never tell you about who I really am, like what goes on in my personal life otherwise. I’m not sure why, I just don’t like to share that. I guess I feel it ruins some of the mystique? That should really leave you scratching your heads because I’m very candid with other things going on in my life, just not excessively personal things so as to keep the mystique going, hahahaa… I’m sure some of you have drawn your own conclusions about my personal life already from your imaginations. Tell me about them! Leave me a comment, let me know your theories! They can be as crazy as you can think them up… I’m secretly an AI bot or a CIA agent and this is my cover, I’m an alien from another planet trying to infiltrate Earth’s society by writing relatable and random blog content… Let me hear your thoughts!

Holy crap! It’s the Children of the Corn!

When you go out driving looking at Christmas lights, see deer in a field, take a picture and they end of looking like the Children of the fucking Corn, hahahaa…

So I recently had an altercation with someone close to me who has been gaslighting me, not always subtly, for a very long time. It’s not that I don’t have altercations with this person at other times because I do. I stand up for myself when I’m spoken to poorly and when I’m just so sick of the gaslighting… We had words and, as usual, this person got angry and the shouting began. I’m used to that and I didn’t back down (as I usually don’t). But this was the first time the person was so angry that they shoved me out of the way and I had to catch myself. I still fell onto the second to last step, but I did manage to prevent myself from whacking my back or my head on the steps. It was also the first time someone else had to physically intervene… Things were so bad, horrible things were said by this person, claiming I always paint myself as the victim when I see it as the other way around. But they do such an excellent job painting themselves as the victim that I feel no one would believe me if I spoke up. I’m always the bad guy…

Before you all get concerned, no, this was not someone I’m in a relationship with. I was in a relationship that was abusive many years ago and, quite honestly, I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to get into such a predicament then… After having to grow up watching my mother and that sponge she moved in? Yeah, being in that type of situation was not an option, but there I was. And I learned from my stupidity that time. I would never do that to myself again. However, this is someone close to me that I would be hard put to tell to go to hell, that I never wanted them anywhere near me ever again. The entire situation was so bad that I literally freaked the fuck out and pretty much had a nervous breakdown (again). I’m just under so much stress right now and having this happen was something I really didn’t need to add to my already taxed psyche… I literally broke that day and I’m not sure I’m feeling any better now than I was the day it happened. Like I said, this person has been gaslighting me, telling me I’m forever falsely playing the victim when I am, in fact, the one who is always in the wrong and, for all intent and purposes, the biggest bitch and the most horrible human being to ever walk the face of the planet. But once things have settled down, it’s a different story. They’re overly saccharine about everything yet never offer an apology. They act as if nothing has happened. I’m sorry, I can’t play this game… After a while, you start believing those words…

Dear readers, if there’s one thing you take away from this and the old lady writing it, take this with you… It doesn’t matter who the fuck it is: your parent, your significant other, your child, your friend, a stranger. No one should put their hands on you in any way when they’re angry. No one should twist things around and make you feel as if you’re the bad guy in every single fucking situation just because you’re asking for a little respect from them which is something everyone deserves. They shouldn’t make you feel like you’re crazy, you’re the “problem” or that you’re unjustly playing “the victim”. In a scenario like this, if you’re playing the victim, it’s more than likely because you are a fucking victim. You don’t need to put up with that shit and you need to put a stop to it immediately. Are you reading me? Good…

Hey, and don’t forget to drop your Jackie Blue theories in the comments! Am I a crazy cat lady that hoards them by the hundreds? Am I really a dude in disguise (a very good one by the pictures)? Am I secretly a crime fighting ninja? Seriously, I could use the laughs. Make them as outrageous as you can!

I’ve Given Up On Humanity…

Happy Halloween, dear readers! Normally I’m quite excited at this time of year… Next to Christmas, Halloween is right up there as my favorite holiday. But not this year… Shit has been going so far south, I don’t even know where to begin. And, although I love to see all the little ones in their adorable little costumes, I’m just not really in the mood for passing out candy. Yesterday was just the worst in a long line of horrible days lately and I just don’t know if I have it in me to be excited. Especially when I also have teens trick-or-treating… I don’t mind teens doing it. Hell, I did as a teen myself. But the teens in my “hood” are like thugs, kids that are literally just one step away from landing themselves a nice lengthy stay in a cold prison cell. I need to be in the right frame of mind to cheerfully hand them candy and compliment the sad ass costume they threw together and I’m not feeling it…

Well, at least I tried to create 80s makeup…

But before I get ahead of myself…

A few entries back I mentioned I was going to see Duran Duran with my sister because we’re both fucking old, apparently, and that’s what old people do, they go see outdated groups from their youth for crazy prices. Thank god it was my sister who brought it up about wanting to go… Our seats weren’t bad but they weren’t great, either and they were $209 each! I’m glad she had money like that to piss away… The section where we were that was closest to the stage cost $500 each and I don’t even want to know how much the floor seats cost… In any case, I did my best to do a more subdued 80s makeup look for that night. Could I have done the hair? You bet! I still remember how to do all that fun shit I used to do to damage the shit out of my hair! But it didn’t seem like a wise idea… Instead I just decided on the makeup and a more 80-ish style of clothing. My sister, ever prudent, dressed like a frumpy Haus Frau… Oof… Well, at least one of us tried to fit in with the evening’s events… I had a boring dinner with her and her boyfriend, then we were off.

FYI, these are in 5X zoom, so close but not terribly close…

I noticed a change in my prudent sister as. we stood in line for merch… We were discussing the shirts we could see (I had to stand on my toes, I’m about 3 inches taller than her) and I noticed they had one that said Notorious. When I told her this, she said, “I love that song!” with the biggest smile on her face. I told her I did, too, returning her smile. Without a word, we both suddenly sang, “No-no-Notorious!” right in the middle of the line, hahahaa! She was hooting and hollering as loudly as I was, getting excited over songs as much as I was… The entire place lost their shit as soon as we we heard, “Th-th-th-th-the Reflex”… At one point, my sister said, between songs, “I hope they do ‘Girls On Film’!” And no lie, they started playing and it was “Girls On Film”! We were both so excited! The best part is that you’d swear you’d gone back in time and it was 40 years ago… Simon LeBon sounds no different now than he did back in the early 80s (even my mom said as much when I played the videos I took) and the remaining members (they only lost one) still look damn good for guys in their 60s! It was just outstanding! They played all the best songs! But the best part was that my sister and I got to feel and act like fangirly teenagers for a night… Not only was it nice to feel young, but it was nice to bond with her for once. We both have shirts and totes, too… It was great!

I don’t want to tell you the cost of these…

But you know all wasn’t perfect… Aside from the fact that I’d had an awful day before hand (which had left me in a foul mood and ready to blow off some steam), we had to deal with these two drunken assholes…

The way the stadium is set up, the seats face the floor (for sporting events), so we stood and turned right to face the stage. The drunken couple (maybe about my sister’s age) that were in front of her kept leaving and coming back. Of course when they came back, the woman would tap me on the shoulder harshly to let me know they wanted to come through. And it was always when I was recording something. Like she couldn’t wait… It was really starting to piss me off because they were coming and going so much as it was. The last time, I’d had enough, so when she tapped me, I ignored her. Instead of rudely tapping my shoulder again, she tapped the side of my tit!! No lie, this woman I didn’t know had the balls to rudely and harshly tap my fucking side boob! What the actual fuck?! She’s damn lucky I didn’t lay her ass out right then and there! But I really wanted to see the concert. Even if I had, I’m sure it would have been excused. You just don’t do that…

So let’s get into why things have been so bad… First, they’ve been doing construction on the house next door (it’s a rental) and I had an altercation with one of the trained apes they have doing the half assed work because I feared the way they were hacking the tree overhanging my property, it would fall on my roof (it would have if they kept going) and was met with mockery. I own, asshole! I have every right to be concerned for my property! This happened the day of the concert… It’s long and involved and I don’t want to piss myself off going into all the details for fear of sparking it up again. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I went to this 75th birthday party my mom’s graduating class was throwing so she wouldn’t have to go stag (the sponge refused to go along). It was nice! I got to see a friend of hers I’d known in childhood that I haven’t seen since I was about 9 or 10, I got to see my mom’s cousin I haven’t seen since I was about 5, and I saw my 8th grade math teacher and my 10th grade English teacher! But… one guy’s wife asked if I graduated with them… Bitch do I look 75?! Fuck right the fuck off!!

I got my new phone on the 11th (yay), but my Apple Watch is having issues pairing with it. I have to jump through hoops to get the thing to pair up with it and, when I do, it stays paired for several days and then suddenly unpairs itself for no good god damned reason. I put in two separate calls to Apple Support before finally getting sent to the Apple Store where the guy there confirmed what I’d been telling the goofballs on the phone all along, that it’s a software issue. After all, with the new phone came an update (right out of the box, go figure) and I had no issues with the last update and my watch. He got it working beautifully, so I thought… But here I am, currently on the phone with Apple Support, because my phone needs to go in for service. I could get a replacement sent immediately, but I can’t afford to have a hold for $500 on my bank account for several days until they get my old one back. So now I wait…

Yesterday I was at my GP’s office… I’m still gaining weight and I don’t know why. I was so upset, I started to cry. He was very quick to offer generic Ozempic, but I don’t have an appetite curbing issue. But I love how quick he was to offer it… I never thought my GP would hop on that bandwagon of handing out Ozempic and its generics like candy instead of finding the underlying issue. But when I told him I hardly ate, he realized maybe we need to look at my thyroid again…

So there I was, feeling like this amorphous blob with no hope of ever figuring out what the fuck is up with that and how to fix it… I had to do some shopping, pick up a few things I needed, including candy for tonight’s festivities (always wait until the last minute, the candy goes on sale super cheap). I had run into Target and made my way to my favorite section– the dollar aisle. I love that area. I find the goofiest, most amazing things there for only a few bucks. I’ve gotten decorations, arts and crafts, seeds to plant, socks… But this time I found these ridiculous looking, completely useless things. Aren’t they hilarious?! Drumstick slippers!! I couldn’t not buy them! When it comes to Thanksgiving and turkey, I’m a fucking crazy lady… I baste that damn bird obsessively and I’m literally crazy about the food I make (always too much). I’m like the queen of Thanksgiving. So what better way to show off my mad turkey making skills than with these ridiculous slippers? But that wasn’t the half of it… I put them on as soon as I got all the tags cut out of them and my dog Baxter decided to follow me across the house, trying his damndest to eat my slippers! I assume he thought they were actual drumsticks, hahahaa! It took a lot of talking to before he understood that they were just slippers!

Well, dear readers, it’s time I come to a close… But before I do, I’ll leave you a little something to check out if you happen to get Apple TV+. If you’re looking for a good, bizarre, edge of your seat thriller (even though Halloween is already here), I suggest M. Night Shyamalan’s Servant. I don’t want to give anything away about the story… Just go watch it. The first episode or two are a bit slow, but stick with it; it picks up and you won’t be able to stop watching it, I promise! I finished all four seasons in two days! Oh, and you’re seeing that right… That is Rupert Grint, the kid who played Ron Weasley in Harry Potter…

Have a safe and Happy Halloween, dear readers! I shall see you after all hallows eve has ended and the time of ghosts and ghouls is over…

My Thought Process Is Still Processing…

I had a thought while watching last night’s choice of “bad horror movies to watch during the month of October”… It was Leonard Nemoy’s pod person doppelgänger that set the wheels in motion. As he was explaining the benefits of succumbing, becoming a pod person and assimilating, he tells the characters of Matthew and Elizabeth that it’s painless, they’ll retain all their memories and they’ll never have to worry about anxieties ever again. Hold up… No anxieties ever again?!? Plus you get a new, hopefully untainted body (though I doubt that as they’re literal clones). But imagine, being able to go through the process, coming out of it with all your memories intact, a shiny new body for you (to start treating right or start abusing again, your choice) and you’ll be totally anxiety free forever… Damn! Sign me up, brother! I’m down with that! And you’re probably thinking me mad right now… I think the friend I was conversing with last night while watching this movie thought the same. But, at the same time, I think they also understood why I’d like the idea of no anxiety for the rest of my life…

Coincidentally, I had another strange conversation with the same person…

Somehow the subject came up about the tune “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”… It’s weird how the conversation began. It actually started out with two other songs I loathe, Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” and Bryan Adam’s “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You”. I literally loathe both those songs… I found them both mediocre at best when they were released, so I really didn’t care for them right off the bat. But what really made them insufferable was the non-stop airplay. If you turned on the radio at any point and time when these songs were at their peak (and even when they weren’t), guaranteed they were on several stations at once. So I’d asked this person, forgetting the good memories attached to those songs and forgetting the fact that the deejays were telling us that was what we were supposed to like, what were their thoughts on those songs? They were still positive (go figure) but I think they couldn’t separate personal feelings from the songs. Just like that Bobby McFerrin song… Was it good? No! They told you it was what everyone liked, so you liked it. Except me… I always hated it and to this day have never heard it all the way through. I chose to worry and be unhappy, which my friend laughed at…

I have a feeling this friend is going to start to think I’ve lost my marbles pretty soon. If the pod people conversation and my deciding it was better to worry and be unhappy than to listen to that shitty song wasn’t enough, I’m sure the one regarding Edgar set it in stone…

The craft store, Michael’s, happened to have all their Halloween decor on sale. I do love a good sale… As we walked in, I happened to see this magnificent bust of Poe sitting on a shelf right inside the door. I practically squealed with delight (as he is one of my favorite authors) and picked him up immediately! Edgar was coming home… Of course my friend’s reaction was, “What the fuck do you want that for? Halloween is almost over!” I pulled Edgar away, closer to me, protectively and simply stated, “Who said he’s for Halloween?! He’s going on my bookshelf!” By that I literally meant he’s going to stay there all year long… I also have a framed print of a raven that says Nevermore, another Halloween decoration I decided to keep on my bookshelf all year round. I’m a huge fan of Poe’s work, but it’s not as if you can get a bust of him for your bookshelf like you can of Shakespeare… So when I saw this, I knew I had to have it! Is it fucking weird? Maybe… Does my house sometimes look a bit like the Addams’ house from the old TV show? Um… also maybe…

I also could resist this gem when I was on my Michael’s excursion… Now I need to find some bed sheets printed to look like a Ouija board and I’m set, hahahaa! Seriously, someone reading this either make them or suggest it to someone you know who can… That would be amazing!

Obviously Halloween is one of my favorite times of year… It’s literally right up there with Christmas as my favorite holiday! The weird thing is, I really like some of the decor, but not just for Halloween… Some items I literally keep out all year long (hence why my house looks like the Addams’ house from the TV show) and Michael’s had a metric butt ton of items I would have loved to have bought for my art area, which is where I usually keep the craziest of my decor that makes absolutely no fucking sense to have anywhere else the entire year. But there are some problems with that, mainly if I’d bought everything I’d wanted to get, my wallet would have been glaring at me rather harshly and lecturing me on the rather nasty habit of bipolar spending that I have… especially when I get all manically artsy…

So as my final random thought for the day, I’ll leave you with this… Amazon Prime listed the movies they thought I’d like last night just like this: The Slumber Party Massacre, It’s A Wonderful Life and Deliver Us From Evil… Am I the only one who sees something wrong, here…?! You have a movie about people getting massacred at a slumber party, people needing deliverance from evil and in between you have someone having a wonderful life… The fucking irony was not wasted on me, Prime! Hahahaa!

You Can’t Reason With A Headless Man…

By that same token, you can’t reason with anyone headless (aka brainless). It’s a waste of time…

It’s October and, as is my tradition, it’s time for me to start binge watching my favorite Halloween horrors and recommending them to my friends. This, however, is one I often forget, Disney’s The Adventures of Mr. Toad and Ichabod Crane. Ah, those catchy songs crooned by Bing Crosby’s mellow voice and his amazing narration… And those lyrics! My personal favorite are in the song about the headless horseman: They say he’s tired of his flaming top, He’s got a yen to make a swap, So he rides one night each year, To find a head in the Hollow here. Sheer brilliance!

It’s the new school master, What’s his name? Ichabod–Ichabod Crane… Ichabod, what a name, Kind of odd, But nice just the same… I can’t help but notice that, in some ways, he looks a bit like Bing Crosby. I think it’s the big ears, hahahaa! Seriously, I love Disney’s design of this character. He’s absolutely ridiculous! He’s comically skinny, his hands and feet and clownishly over-sized as are his Cadillac door ears and his face reminds me of a turkey with that beak of a nose and lack of a chin. He seems like he would be the target of many a cruel joke or thrashing that he couldn’t defend himself against, but he actually does and he does so with this ease that makes you believe it’s an unconscious, instinctual act. They think him the fool, but he’s quite street savvy.

This is one I definitely recommend for your Halloween watching delight. It’s not shit your pants scary, but it’s good entertainment for this time of year and gives you some giggles. That’s true of other Disney Halloween movies like The Nightmare Before Christmas (who doesn’t love when that kid hold up that shrunken head and gives his parents that face?) and the Hocus Pocus movies? Granted, the original Hocus Pocus is still the best, but the sequel has a few good points to it. Well… really I can only think of one good point, that you get to see how the Sanderson sisters became witches in the first place. Billy Butcherson had a fun part in the sequel as well, given the opportunity to express his true hatred for Winifred and clear up a few things about their supposed relationship.

Now whereas I do enjoy gore and the classic monster movie, that’s not my goto… One of my personal favorite Halloween movies is the comedy Arsenic And Old Lace. There’s something about an old Carey Grant comedy that’s just too good to pass up. I’m also partial to Stephen King movies, the Friday The 13th movies and the Nightmare On Elm Street franchise. Alfred Hitchcock movies are always a winner as are psychological thrillers. I could make a mile long list of great movies for this season, but that would be a bit boring I feel… And my entertainment isn’t restricted to just movies and tv shows. Every October, I break out my big book of Poe (literally, everything Poe ever wrote is in this book) and I read my favorites all month long. There’s nothing like snuggling up on a cool, dark night with a cup of coffee or tea with The Tell-Tale Heart or The Black Cat…

In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d share a picture of one of the souvenirs Morticia got for me when she visited Salem, Massachusetts over the summer. I need this in a big ass sign I can post on my house so everyone will know not to push my buttons, hahahaa…

One of my connected neighbors moved out literally a few days ago… Once I would have been quite upset at the prospect of her leaving, fearful of getting scumbags moved in her place. I own my home, but most of these places are rentals and often the people who get moved in aren’t accustomed to small borough life. they come from cities and are very rude and inconsiderate… Normally I’d be worried about getting such people now that she’s moved, but I don’t see what the fuck it matters. What little bit of a friendship we had fell by the wayside (her doing, not mine) and she’s made a huge mess of her life. She’s currently engaged to what I assume will become husband number three and, I must say, he’s a creepy asshole. Even she had made the comment during one of their hundreds of fights that she “sure knows how to pick them”… Right before they moved, I noticed her “fiancé” creep behind my back fence and just stood there for a very long time. I don’t know what the fuck he was doing, but when she came outside and asked him that very question, he finally came out of hiding. What a creep!

Here’s my other souvenir Morticia picked up… Anyway, so he was literally creeping behind my fence under the cover of trees and I wondered how many times he’d done this before, exactly, that I didn’t notice, that maybe that’s why the dogs were freaking out at the back door and I had no clue why… There are a lot of things about this guy that make him seem more than a little sus, believe me. Worse, she decided to take to Facepuke and write this long ass post, blaming the husband for her current predicament. She’s claiming he up and deserted her in the middle of the night with no warning, left her high and dry with all the bills, took her car, all this happy horse shit. The truth of it is that she was telling people (me for one) that she was going to kick him out at the beginning of the year… And as for him taking her car? He has every right since she wasn’t working and he bought it. She had her own car when she left her first husband, but when her kid blew up his vehicle and had nothing to drive, she let him use hers and he blew that one, too. He’s a horrible driver… Husband number two bought her a vehicle so she had something. If she bounced him, he had every right to take it. Especially since I think she bounced him for this piece of shit. I don’t care if you knew him before hand or not, you don’t hook up with someone that fast. I actually miss the second husband, he was a nice guy. He was also considerate and kind. The new one was an asshole. I can’t say I’ll miss them because I won’t. Wherever they ended up, good riddance…

I blame the auroras… Amazingly, I got to see some! I couldn’t see them with my naked eye like everyone else in my small borough supposedly could, but if I took a picture, they showed up in there. Isn’t that amazing?! I’ve never seen them before, but they’re so stunning! Maybe that’s why everyone’s been acting like loose looney’s. It’s the auroras messing with people’s heads, hahahaa!

I finally got my new iPhone 16 Pro Max on Friday… Thank goodness! The concert my sister and I are supposed to attend is coming up very soon and I want to make sure I get the best pictures I can possibly get! I also have a party I promised my mother I’d go to… Her graduating class is throwing themselves a birthday party since they’re all turning 75 this year and she didn’t want to go solo, so she asked me to go. Yeah, that’ll be a fun evening… Whee…

By Unpopular Opinion…

Hello, dear readers… It’s time for another segment of “Jackie flips shit and goes off on some fucking opinionated rampage”… I’m old; that’s my excuse. I didn’t apologize for having an opinion when I was young, so I’m certainly not going to apologize for having one now, not even if it seems a bit harshly worded. Am I opinionated…? Possibly. Do I care…? Heavens no. Once you get to be a certain age (and looking at pictures of myself lately, man, I can see the age), you really do stop giving a fucking shit what people think and feel about you because you realize it’s just not worth the wrinkle you’ll give yourself over it. And if you do still worry about shit like that once you reach a certain age– well– that’s kind of sad because you really shouldn’t. Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. And, by that same token, shit comes out of all of them just the same. Simply something to keep in mind while I go off on my tirade…

Lately I’ve had the displeasure of having some conversations I wish I’d rather not have had… Mind you, there are two things I never discuss with anyone. One is politics and the other is religion. And yet, recently, I’ve been having to have discussions on the latter with someone who is young, inexperienced, opinionated, educated as far as what has been read online (which you can’t always consider to be “reliable”) and is unfamiliar with how politics work in reality and only understands how they work in theory (ie: how it says they’re supposed to work on paper). The other conversations I’ve gotten roped into… Well, they are also with younger individuals, the kind who absolutely need something to be offended about or outraged over all the time, the type that is all too quick to jump up on that soap box and preach only to sound like a jackass when they do because they have absolutely no clue what the fuck they’re talking about. And so it goes…

Hahahaa… I wonder if he knows about this…

So this is one of the memes I post to Facebook every election year… Yeah, I “Rick Roll” everyone, but it lets them know my stance on politics. Honestly, I really haven’t had much of an opinion most of my life with the exception of this: It doesn’t matter who you vote for, whoever gets in is going to fuck something up; they all do. And that’s true; every single one of them (except maybe the ones in the early history of this country) have fucked something up, great or small. Rick Astley would be a better option… However, I have taken more of an interest since one election in particular. Among friends and family, my opinion has been very unpopular since. I’m sure it had nothing to do with me stating at the beginning of said election (during one of the speeches on television), “He’ll end up being the next Hitler, you just wait and see if I’m not right…” Yeah, that doesn’t win you points with people, to be honest. It probably didn’t win me points with some of you, either…

I also think this one is particularly funny…

I also post this meme every election year… Anyway, my opinion stems largely from remembering what a disgusting piece of shit he’s been since he’s been in the media back in the 80s (because, again, I’m old). If a person can’t be loyal and honest to their family, to their businesses, why would you think they could be so to their country…? I felt it was a legitimate question that no one seemed to want to answer and would just greet with hostility. Now the counter-argument is his successor shitting his pants on-air… Not a good look for a president, I agree. But to be honest, I feel that, in general, the last thing we need is to have an old man whose cognitive skills are in question back in office. It’s reminiscent of the Regan years when that doddering old, Alzheimer’s ridden fool had the country so scared he was going to push the button and start WWIII that it was the theme of all the movies and music videos of the time.

To be fair, I hate the other option and would prefer Rick Astley or Vanilla Ice at this point… I really don’t like either option, but what I really don’t like is that the person I was having the discussion with takes things at face value and you can’t. You can’t listen to the shit slinging ads, the candidates themselves or anything else, really… You need to read between the lines at all times and listen not to what they do say but rather what they don’t say… And if they’re warning you about something, like this Proposition 2025, do your homework and really read this thing instead of just listening to the good parts they tell you about. Always read the fine print in everything because that’s where they always fuck you over…

The other big debate as of late is this… Seriously?! Yup, I shit you not, this is the subject of debate right now, Lyle and Erik Menendez and the latest Netflix series about them… Now, I was a junior in high school when they were arrested for murdering their parents and in my early 20s when they were finally found guilty and sentenced, so I remember this from the days before Netflix could distort certain aspects of their story and gain sympathy for the two. Keep that in mind… I actually remember my job having the television in our break room on all day long during the OJ Simpson case for an entire fucking year so that we could watch some of it in passing and we could watch it when they finally passed sentencing… A lot of us were pissed… No, not for racial reasons. I think all of us in the building thought he did it and he got off because he was famous and bought his freedom. And some of us were pissed because there was literally nothing on television for a year but that fucking trial…

The very fact that there are people out there saying Netflix did them dirty (they did with the incest aspect), that they should be set free because “their parents deserved it” is just appalling… There are other people that were sexually abused by their parents, just as badly or worse. They moved out as soon as they were old enough. Why didn’t they? Simple… they would have had to get jobs and support themselves. They could have kicked the shit out of the old man instead of putting up with the abuse, but they’d be out of the will. They killed them in cold blood while they slept, tried to call it a mafia hit, then spent $700,000 in a week. Yeah, they were abused and scared of their parents alright…

So… you’ve got people getting into heated political arguments about which one of Lucifer’s minions should get elected (seriously, either way we’re getting a loser this time just like last time), idiots wanting to let murderers loose because they think it’s okay to kill your parents if they touch your “no-no” place instead of finding another alternative (like there isn’t one) along with all these other fruit loops that are running around being offended because you don’t know what their pronouns are just by looking at them (sorry for calling them as I see them) as if we’re supposed to know when we see a guy who looks like a man, sounds like a man, has a dick, but because he’s wearing a dress he want’s to be referred to as she/her… You know, I have a rather high IQ… But in no way, shape or form can you ever make any of that make sense. I’m chalking it up to them being fruit loops and not to me being old…

But again, take this all with a grain of salt… They’re just my opinions. I’m entitled to them just as you’re entitled to yours. And gain, opinions are like assholes; everybody’s got one and they all spout shit just the same. Should you listen to me? Hell no! I’m just some old lady voicing her thoughts in a blog. You shouldn’t listen to me or take what I say to heart. I can be an asshole; I know it. Look my bracelet tells you so! Hahahaa… It’s for Halloween; I got it at the hippy dippy store, but I figure it warns people about my personality as well…

Take nothing to heart, dear readers… What I think and feel are of no consequence to anyone but me, just as what others think and feel are of no consequence to me. That’s how you have to look at life in general… You do you, whatever makes you happy. You shouldn’t let anyone’s opinions stand in the way of that.

So now I’m going to sit back and continue to chill out to Cold Play (which I’ve been doing the entire time I’ve been writing this). It sounds like a nice way to spend a dreary afternoon…

Good Morning, Beautiful!

Yesterday I went to Target in search of Claritin (useless shit, but my insurance doesn’t cover the shit that actually works) and a flannel shirt to cover up with when my arms get chilly. Don’t ask how the bill got so high because I don’t know… Anyway… I happened to see this gorgeous number while walking past the ladies department. Oh, it was a vision! I stared at it longingly for a long time… I have nowhere and no occasion to wear something so lovely. But it was so gorgeous, I had to hold it up to myself. I was in love… It was only $38, so I decided what the fuck, I was going to buy this dress I had absolutely no use for. However, after I decided to try it on and model it, I realized that I did have a use for it and a very important one at that…. I’ve been feeling very old, rather fat and just unattractive in general for quite some time. Then I put this dress on and took a look at myself… Even with unwashed, undone hair and no makeup (that’s from an app on my phone), I felt so amazingly beautiful in that dress! I felt as if I was ready to walk the red carpet at some gala event with all eyes on me! That feeling was more than worth the $38…

Of course part of my reason for feeling (and looking) like a washed out old rag is because I just recently got over having COVID… Certainly different from when I had it almost two years ago, I can tell you that. The cold symptoms weren’t that annoying, just like any cold. The fever, while low grade, was like it was the first time… break it and get it back a dozen times a day. But this time it wreaked havoc and pissed off my emphysema and my IBS, I’m still not quite right and I’ve heard others tell me they had similar issues with it, Fun times… I also lost my sense of smell this time and was so nauseous I didn’t want to eat. I spent most of my time laying around, being bored. And this was a special type of boredom… I watched every episode of the old Land of the Lost TV show on YouTube and making my new get well friend here dance as I was singing, “Cotton candy, sweetie go, Let me see the Cinnamoroll” to the tune of the song “Tootsee Roll“… Boredom at it’s finest…

I wish I could have used my COVID downtime wisely, but I’ve been very uninspired lately… And when I say lately, I mean for months… I haven’t drawn, written or painted anything of any significance in I don’t know how long and I don’t know why. It’s been bothering me to the point that I feel like I’m losing my marbles… So when I made a trip to my favorite hippie dippy store yesterday and saw this book, I immediately pulled it off the shelf and decided to buy it because I just knew it was there for me. But when I went to pay for all my amazing finds, the owner looked at the book funny, started to make comment, then opened it to the first pages. Here it was her own personal book that someone had given her (and written an inscription in) that had somehow gotten mixed up in the other books. She did say she would try to order me one if I wanted to which I said I did because I was suffering a major art block that was just horrible. She sat and looked thoughtful for a few moments before telling me, “You know what? I think you need this more than I do…” She sold me the book after all! I told her not to, but she wasn’t hearing of it. Isn’t she sweet?

I also got this amazing scent while I was there! I like scents that create a calm in me and this was definitely one of those! In some ways, it reminds me a bit of the old Love’s Baby Soft body spray they had way back in the day… Kind of, but not exactly. It gives off those same vibes, though. Either way, it’s very relaxing and I really needed that. I’ve been very stressed and getting COVID didn’t help that any. That put a great deal of physical stress on me I wasn’t planning on having on top of the mental stress I have just by living in the “hood”…

I think Saturday night was my favorite… One of my next door neighbors decided to have a campfire in the back yard, you know, in one of those fire pits. Now, I live in a tiny borough of less than 3,000 people, so we’re pretty rural, here, even if this neighborhood of townhomes has literally turned into a “hood”. Backyard fires (even in our tiny yards) are awesome and smell great as the nights get chilly and fall approaches. But not Saturday night… I have no idea what the fuck they were burning, but it wasn’t just wood. The entire back of all the houses as far as the eye could see was smoke filled with this rancid smelling smoke, the fire was smoldering and the neighbors were all in the house, no lights on downstairs, only upstairs. After an attempt at knocking on the door, the cops were called, the fire chief dispatched and he got the weird neighbors to answer the door and ripped them a new one. I’m hoping I get to find out what they were burning because I was coughing, my throat was burning, my whole house reeked… And I woke the next day with the worst migraine from whatever it was. And if it’s not those idiots trying to burn down the hood, it’s the neighbor’s new boyfriend on the other side, revving his loud ass truck, peeling off down the street at all ungodly hours or working on his truck with his stereo blasting the worst music ever…

So when I first walked into my favorite hippie dippy store, the first thing I did was take a deep breath and sighed… Everything just melted away and I felt so much lighter! I know, it sounds silly to some people, but it helps… This was another one of my finds, a spirit bell. It’s supposed to ward off bad spirits, negativity, things of that nature, when you ring it. In my hood, I’ll be ringing this thing constantly, hahahaa!

I also bought a beautiful necklace, which I’ll post a picture of. The stone is to help keep you grounded, which is something I seriously need right now. I forget what stone it is, exactly… I think they have an app for that, but I’ll be damned if I can remember what the name of it is…

So my little shopping excursion to buy allergy medicine turned into a spending spree that I really shouldn’t have had… I’m not surprised, to be honest. I haven’t been feeling myself and I’ve been struggling with some issues lately. Every time that happens, that bipolar part of me that says, “Let’s go shopping, buy a shit ton of stuff you don’t need that will make you feel good only temporarily that you’ll regret buying later because it was a stupid purchase,” takes over and, well… That never happens at the hippy dippy place, but it does happen at Target…

A few months back, my mother had asked me if I would go to an event with her… Apparently her graduating class decided to throw a birthday party (not a class reunion, mind you) because they were all turning 75 this year. The Sponge doesn’t want to go with her (shocking), so she asked if I would like to go and I said, “Sure,” without really thinking. This was before I had that horrible epiphany, “Holy shit, my mother is going to be 75…” and had a mini mental breakdown… I’d forgotten about the party until she brought it up again over the weekend, as it’s coming up next month, and seemed almost gleeful that she could tell people there that I was her youngest daughter and I’m 51… Seriously, is she trying to make me feel old?! I don’t know if she’s proud of the fact that her kids aren’t much younger than her or what… She got knocked up on prom night with my sister (how cliche) and she had me at 23… I’m not sure that’s something to be proud of… She grew up with us instead of being a parent, really. Some people might think that’s better, but I’m telling you, it’s really not. In all honesty, I’m not sure why I said I’d go to this thing. I don’t think I was really thinking much about it when she asked and I just gave an off-handed reply. But now that I’m thinking about it… Why ask me? I realize she doesn’t want to go alone and if the Sponge isn’t going, she needs someone to go with her. She could take my sister… But I could see how that would go. Being a nurse practitioner, she’d either spend the night having people want her to examine them or give them the names of good hospice care companies. But Jackie… She acts young and creates fun wherever she goes! She likes the same music and will get out on that dance floor! She can be a real social butterfly! Goody… Jackie has to put on her mask and be party girl so a bunch of older folks who are dead inside can feel alive for a night… I’m just not in the mood for this right now. So why am I doing this? I don’t know. I guess because she asked…

So, dear readers, I leave you with a picture of my new keychain that came with my latest Vinyl Moon album… It’s from a song titled “Gato à l’orange” which makes no sense… Gato is Spanish for cat while the à l’orange part is French. Besides the fact that it would translate to “cat with orange sauce” not “cat with an orange”… I don’t understand people…

Until next time, dear readers, stay away from shit slinging election bullshit so you can keep your sanity, stay physically and mentally healthy and stay beautiful. Love and good vibes to you all!