Wake Up…

Archangel Michael from *Angel Sanctuary*

“Wake up…” It’s the first line spoken in the Angel Sanctuary anime and something I’ve been hearing in my head for the last few days…

I know I don’t really divulge much about myself. You know what I want you to know. I’m still trying to figure out why the fuck I let you all know how old I am, but eh, what the hell… I mean, I do tell you quite a lot of personal things as far as my interactions with friends and family, I’ve divulged my name really isn’t Jackie… Although I have wanted to do a legal name change for years. For $500 and a lot of red tape, I could have a name I like instead of the one I have and hate. But at this age, I’d have a difficult time getting people to use my new name because they’re so used to the one I’ve had… And you know I have ADD moments because I totally got off track… My point is that I never share more intimate details of my life. You have no idea if I’m involved or single, do I have offspring or not (fur babies do not count as actual children, but they’re a nice substitute), if I have a torrid past, if I should be on an episode of Snapped… I can assure you I don’t need the latter just yet, haha! I’m not that crazy! Or am I…? Haha, nah, I’m just fucking with you! I’m just a half bubble off center, that’s all. I’m the fun kind of nuts that can be embarrassing to be around at worst. I think that’s just something that’s inherent in the artistic mind. My friend Jade is like that, also. Maybe that’s why we were online friends over 20 years and why when we met in person the first time we clicked so well.

At least they didn’t change my eye color in this one…

So I came across this “What Would You Look Like As A Hippie” generator on Facepuke and this was the first of I think a half dozen pictures that came up… Geez, if I wasn’t wearing my glasses and added a few more highlights to my hair, this would be me every day, haha! Well… minus the flowers in my hair. I don’t always do that… And this was one of the few that didn’t change my eye color. I realize gray-green hazel is a weird color, but why do computers feel the need to change that to blue?! My eyes are gray-green and I’m proud of that! I love my eye color, leave it alone! Damn it!

I actually found the entire thing comical because every picture it created with my face looked like my every day look… You’re not showing me what I’d look like as a hippie, you’re just showing me what I see in the mirror, haha! Seriously, it was pretty funny, being a hippie type already.

But back to the subject at hand… I really need to stop having these ADD moments…

I still don’t want to divulge too much about the intimate parts of my life, but the other day, I finally woke up… For years I’d been resenting my mother for not allowing me to go to college and become the animator I always wanted to be. But the other day I realized something… I know that, had I had that opportunity to pursue my dream, I wouldn’t have the things I currently have in life. They may not be much, but what I do have were things I found just as important if not more important that my dream of becoming an animator. So did I really miss out…? Yes and no… Who’s to say if I’d have followed my dream that my life would have been a happy one? And I’d choose happiness over a dream career any day. A dream career might make you happy, sure. But it’s more important that you be happy in life in general. Your career isn’t your life nor should it be. You need to have a life outside of that and if that’s not fulfilling, then you’re doing this all wrong. You’re also then my sister, haha! But that’s a story for another time…

Makeup brought to you through the magic of Corel Painter…

Well, I finally sucked it up and, despite the pain I was in, I went for a stroll around Target after one of my doctor appointments the other day. I hadn’t been out except to see doctors in almost 5 weeks and I have to have a driver because of my back, so I treated myself to a much needed pair of headphones…

Which brings me to something else I’ve learned through all this self discovery (because really, I’m finding you do a lot of that when you’re stuck on the sofa 24/7). When I went through a long period of my life dealing with the death of a friend, the sudden death of my brother-in-law and the long illnesses and eventual death of two family members, I realized something… I knew I was hyper focused on everyone else because they needed me. There was no time for me to waste on things as useless as mourning, falling apart, crying… It was over five years until I finally did break down and cry and I think it was more from relief that everyone was fine and I wasn’t needed anymore. But what I didn’t realize until the other day was how much I isolated myself. I’d heard the song “Cake By The Ocean” and thought it was a fairly new song. It’s 8 years old…

Aside from the fact that I thought an 8 year old song was a brand new one, I also got into a discussion one day when the song “Jump” came on the radio and it was mentioned Eddie Van Halen died… WHAT?! I literally called bullshit on that one because I didn’t hear about it. So I whip my phone out, I Google Eddie… Son of a bitch, he fucking died! Not only that, but he died back in 2020 (not from COVID) and I have no idea where the fuck I’ve been the last almost four fucking years that I didn’t know this… It’s as if I’ve been on autopilot and just going through the motions for the last, what, 8 or 10 years? I don’t know if it was because of all the shit that was going on around me, the shit I was having to deal with or if I was in such a depressive state that I literally just shut the fuck down, but I was on another planet…

But enough about my being asleep… Let me update you on my back situation…

If a doctor ever says, “Hey, we can inject some shit into your back and it should take away your pain”, DON’T BELIEVE THEM!!! Well… Okay, I’m not saying they can’t work, but they hurt like a fuck to get, my doctor didn’t tell me my leg would be completely numb for hours (I fell getting out of the car when I got home and couldn’t walk)… In fact, my leg was fucked up for about 3 days before the pain in my back was better and the pain in my hip started becoming so bad that I eventually landed in the ER to make sure I didn’t break something and didn’t feel it right because of the injection. I was in so much pain, they did an MRI, which they don’t normally do through the ER, and what you see on the right is what they found. So two herniated discs and pinched nerves… Ouch…

I made an appointment with the spine ortho surgeons (I go on the 30th) I was referred to. I was also referred to physical therapy and you know those vultures already called. Fuck them. It hasn’t helped in the past. And I’m waiting to see what the doctor wants before therapy goes messing shit up. Without knowing what the doctor says and what he wants, the PT knows nothing, but a lot of them think they do and it pisses me off. I also contacted my pain management guy (the one who did the injection). He also looked at the MRI and had the nurse call me back to tell me the doctor said he believes an injection in the L3 area would get rid of my hip pain… I told her, “HELL no!!!” Literally, I did, haha… Sorry, witch doctor, you’ve lost one of your voodoo dolls… Right before he injected me, I asked if it was going to hurt and was told he found people generally tolerated them well. Who the fuck ARE these sick people?! Because they HURT!

And so this is where I’m currently at…

I already know how this will play out… They’ll want me to do PT which has done nothing in the past and the PT will made nasty, snide remarks if I can’t do some of the exercises because it’s too painful. They’ll try to give me painkillers, which even opiates don’t help and I refuse to take on the regular. Then it will be another injection (fuck you, that fucking hurts too much) which will cause no end of trouble because the steroids it hops me up and makes my mental state all fucking goofy, either manic or anxious. And if all else fails, they might suggest surgery. For how many people I know who have had back surgery and say not to have it done, it makes you wonder if you should. There are pros and cons in everything, but back surgery is pretty terrifying. Still, if it’s either that or living with this kind of pain and walking with a cane for stability and taking pressure off that nerve, I would consider it.

New Year, Shittier Me…?

Hello, dear readers! I’m sorry it’s been such a long time since you and I have chatted… Sadly, I haven’t been in the best of health these last few months. It seems quitting smoking and having much less nicotine than I used to has severely screwed up my system and I’m trying to get everything back to working the way it was. That’s what happens when you get old(er). You change one little thing and it throws a kink in the works and it all goes haywire.

But I digress…

For the past 3 weeks I’ve been laid up on the sofa with my back, that sacroiliac joint again. The pain was so bad, nothing, not even Vicodin, was helping. I couldn’t be on my feet 5 minutes without feeling I was going to throw up and would wake up yelling from the pain. I finally gave up and went to the ER Christmas Eve for pain relief. I also was referred to a spine doctor who is giving me an injection in a few days. Fingers crossed it helps…

But at least Christmas wasn’t a total disaster as I thought it might be… The hospital didn’t keep me as I feared and I was so overly medicated I didn’t feel too much pain for days (as you can clearly see by my face). And I got my blanket hoodie from the Big Blanket Company that I wanted! This is the most awesome thing ever! I know everyone wondered why I wanted it, but last year the power (and electric heat) went off for 17 hours over the 23rd-24th and it went down to -17 degrees Fahrenheit. The electric here goes out on sunny days for no reason, so yeah, it was a good investment. Plus it kept me warm and made me feel nice and comfy and secure while my back has been completely fucked. Plus it has a built in sleep mask! Seriously, this thing is fucking amazing! And I have decided that I live here now, hahahaa! No seriously… Unless I’ve has to go out somewhere, I haven’t left my blanket hoodie… It’s a really nice place to hide from the world.

All in all, it wasn’t bad… I mean, I couldn’t go anywhere, so everyone had to come here… But I got to see and hold my great nephew (he’s only 2 months old) and give him his present. I got to give my foster corgi, Roxie, her first holidays (and she just got to play in her first snow). I got some amazing gifts for people I couldn’t wait to see them open and I got some amazing gifts that I was more than thrilled with. It was all great, minus my not being able to move well and still being a bit stoned from the ER trip…

The only downside to this was my sister… Ever since the time around my birthday party, she’s been acting odd with me. She ignores my calls, my texts… Now I know her; if she’s pissed at me about something, she won’t tell me. She just won’t talk to me ever again and leave me wondering what the fuck I did instead of being a grown up and talking to me about it. And she’s 5 years my senior! In any case… I had been texting her (since she never answers her phone) telling her I did get gifts for her and her boyfriend, how did they want to approach Christmas? Especially after my back went out, there was no way I was going anywhere, they would need to come here. But I heard nothing. Not even my mother heard anything from her until Christmas Day. I finally got a text the day after suggesting 2 days later she could come up in the morning, but it would just be her because her doctor boyfriend’s schedule was crazy with the short week…

I’ve made some observations of her doctor boyfriend and none of them are good (the consensus of the rest of the family as well). He pursued her not long after her husband passed away, he’s the one that talked her into selling her house to buy a pretentious one that was more to his liking (as he was not divorced yet, he couldn’t buy shit). Last Christmas, he sat here at my house constantly checking his watch as if hoping it was time to go. He did the same at my 50th birthday party, was such a crab ass the entire time and was so rude to my guests. My sister said dit was because he was on-call and the patients were giving him a hard time. Then why didn’t he let her come alone so she could have fun instead of sitting there doing nothing like she did? And they left mad early… Now he didn’t come for Christmas and I’m wondering if he even knew she came alone…

I’ve never had a close relationship with my sister and, after her husband passed away, things were looking up. Now it seems that’s all shot to hell… Her boyfriend is a true narcissist. He’s manipulative, he’s isolating her from– well she didn’t have any friends, really– but from her family… That’s what they do so no one can warn the person of the type they’re involved with. Not that she’d listen anyway, but she should. I’ve dated around a lot, which I always thought was one thing she should have done and never did. She jumped into her relationship with her late husband when she was very young and he was 16 years her senior. It really wasn’t ideal like she thought. Now she’s with this asshole… Honestly, I’m of the mindset, “when in doubt, fuck”… There’s nothing wrong with casual relationships with no ties between consenting adults as long as you’re safe about it.

So, back to my back… I saw the spine doctor last week and I never wanted to punch someone in the dick more in my life than I did that day… I know you need to move things and push on my back, but you don’t need to push so hard you’re trying to push me through the table! Just 2 weeks before I was in so much pain I was yelling when I woke up and I was in extreme pain all the time and this assclown is pushing on my back that hard… Anyway, apparently there’s some abnormality in the surface of L3, probably chronic (no, ya think?! It’s only been going on for 12 years!!!) and I tested positive for this sacroiliac issue… I’ve done therapy, it didn’t help. Muscle relaxers do nothing because it’s not a muscle issue and the strongest pain killers do nothing (one of my psych meds is a pain killer, I didn’t know that). So the next step is an injection in that joint and we see what happens. I’ll know more after the 12th when I get it. Wish me luck!

In the meantime, while I’m sofa bound and weighing the pros and cons between getting up and sitting on the toilet (which really hurts my back) and peeing myself (which would hurt considerably less), I at least have more things to keep me occupied than binge watching TV. This was one of my Christmas presents! I’d been looking for this elusive version of this album (not the reprints) for decades! They didn’t print many as it didn’t do well, so trying to get your hands on one was damn near impossible. But someone finally ended my search! Look how beautiful! And the vinyl looks like it’s never seen a needle… Virgin vinyl! I literally squealed and freaked out for a good 15 minutes over this! It’s all mine!!!

I’ve been sitting on my ass too long… Since it’s the weight bearing part of my back, sitting and standing hurt. So I think I’ll put on my album, lay down and relax a bit… Happy New Year, dear readers!

So I Quit…

I know, that title brings up a million questions,,, Have I given up on my hair, being Robin Hood, the hope of the plumber coming back anytime soon to fix the holes in my fucking ceiling so I can FINALLY get rid of the garbage bags and buckets all over my house…?! Well yes, I kind of have given up on the last one, actually… It’s been months and I’m STILL waiting for him to come fix the holes in my ceiling and to give me a write up for the homeowner’s insurance so I can get some of the money back that I shelled out. I’m at the point where I’m going to start telling people that the garbage bags are modern art pieces and not just something I used as tarps to keep things dry while the plumber was cutting holes in my ceiling…

No no… What I’m referring to is so much bigger than the issue with the plumber (although that issue is pretty fucking big). I have news…

So two days ago, October 16th, pretty much out of the blue, I finally decided to quit smoking for no apparent reason whatsoever… Well, I can’t say it was out of the blue, really. I got the emphysema diagnosis a year ago, I’ve known I had to quit… I just couldn’t. Oh, I cut back and was doing awesome, but then something really stressful came up and I couldn’t handle it without my cigarettes, so I was right back to a pack and a half a day again. You’d think a diagnoses of emphysema and then one about 4 months ago of aortic stenosis would make you wake up and quit, but nicotine is such an addictive substance that people find it easier to get off hard drugs than cigarettes. Plus there was the length of time I’d been smoking. I started when I was 15 (not counting how much I’d gotten from my parents and their second hand smoke before that) and I’m 50. That’s 35 years… It’s become so much of my identity that I kept thinking, “If I quit and stop being a smoker, who the fuck will I be? Will I know who I even am anymore?!” Not something you want to do to someone who already has identity issues, let me tell you…

Monday was a bad day… I’d been seriously triggered by something that left me in a dark place. Then Morticia called me to push me over the edge from “dark place” to “omg, you can’t possibly be this fuckiing clueless!” But as I’m sure you’ve all figured out by now, yes… yes she fucking can. I was so upset that I called my one friend for some mental help. Somehow the conversation turned to the fact that she and a good amount of her family quit smoking by transitioning to vaping. I’d tried it before and I didn’t care for it (it hurt my lungs), but I was desperate. She told me of the reputable shops she has been going to for years and I thought why not. I was bound and determined to do this. I had my mind totally made up before I left for my guitar lesson that day that I was going to make the switch that afternoon. So once my lesson was done, I went to the shop, got a vape pen and some juice for it and off I went…

I know this sounds totally random and impulsive, but it kind of wasn’t… I mean, I knew I needed to quit. It was just doing it that was difficult. And for the last several weeks before I made this decision, there were times I would go for hours without a cigarette (something unusual for me) because I wasn’t feeling well when I smoked the majority of the time anymore and, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t even enjoying it anymore. So when we were having this talk I thought, “What the fuck, I’m going to quit, use vaping as my step down and then I quit everything completely.” I’m really committed to this as I bought two pens (one for my purse and one for home because I’m forever forgetting things if I run out in a hurry) and this bottle of juice that will last me forever. It’s strawberry lime flavored and it tastes really good!

I know what you’re thinking… Vaping isn’t safe. And you’re right; it’s not. This isn’t forever, though. Right now I’m on the highest concentration of nicotine from which I can slowly wean myself down until I’m not getting any at all. Actually, I’m not getting much now. I only take one small hit off this thing because more than that is too much. I’m used to ultra light cigarettes, so this hits harsh for me no matter what I do. So once small hit every hour or two? I should be able to cut back on my nicotine intake soon enough. And since I’m not keen on the feel of vaping, I don’t think that will become a permanent fixture, either. Even something like strawberry lime, which should be incredibly tart (hence the reason I chose this flavor) is actually a bit too sweet. It’s like you’re inhaling cotton candy… I’m not a big sweet, sugary fan. Good as it tastes, eventually I’ll get sick of it and want to puke from it and want to quit.

And so here we are… It’s fall and the leaves are actually turning this year (something that really hasn’t been happening where I live for a while now). Isn’t this the greatest shot? Vibrantly colored leaves against a dull, stormy looking sky? This is why I love fall so much! But not this year… I’m really struggling with something and I don’t know what the fuck it is. I’m just feeling so damn down, I just don’t want to go places, do things… I don’t even want to go out and see the beautiful leaves changing or shuffle my feet through the ones that have fallen, hearing them crunch under my feet… Halloween is coming, which is tied with Christmas for my favorite holiday, and I just don’t fucking care… Normally I can’t wait to hand out candy and see all the little ones in their costumes and see how cute they look. Hell, I even give candy to the older siblings if they’re the ones taking them around. And these are the very kids in my “hood” that I can’t stand the other 364 days of the year because they’re little fucking punks, but on Halloween, I like them all, especially if they get in the spirit and dress up. But I don’t care this year…

Now, I know I was in a really dark place Monday, but I was really looking forward to my guitar lesson that day. No matter how badly I may feel about things, I know that I can sit down with, let’s call him Dan, and he’ll either teach me something new or we’ll just jam and I’ll feel so much better. In fact, during the time I’ve been taking lessons, Dan and I have become friends and I’m grateful to have such an amazing friend that can also play by ear, someone I can discuss weird music theory with and he gets it and is on track because he’s one of the few people that gets it, too.

So Monday’s lesson starts out as normal, I’m digging out my sheet music and talking about how I’ve been as Dan is tuning Constantine… He always jams a little once he has him tuned and always tells me, “I love this guitar…” with such a wistful smile of appreciation. I know he does. In fact, every guy that works there knows Constantine and loves him because he’s a DiAngelico (which is a fairly top notch acoustic guitar). Plus he’s a 12 string so he really sounds beautiful as opposed to a 6 string of any make. Anyway, I had thought about this several days before, so when he had made comment again, I said, “Good, I’m going to will him to you when I die.” Poor Dan, he seemed seriously freaked out and upset and told me not to say things like that. He knows I have health issues, which I think is why he was upset. But that wasn’t all how I meant it. I looked at him, cocked my head and said, “You’re going to be 37… Realistically you’re going to outlive me, Dan.” I’m going to be 51 in April. That made more sense to him.

Forgive my overuse of the teeth whitening filter.. You know, when the light hits thin enamel wrong… Well, your teeth just look terrible… Be that as it may, I thought this picture I took at Brickfest would be appropriate since, you know, I’ve been a bit on the Dark Side… They do not have cookies here, I’m sorry to say… I haven’t meant to be and I didn’t mean to upset Dan on Monday. It was just something that popped into my head one day that I wanted him to have Constantine when I was gone because he appreciates him so. And he had mentioned he was going to be 37 (so young!) which just made me think of it again, so I made mention, that was all. Let’s be real, here… I’m going to be 51 in about 6 months. I have a lot of health issues that aren’t good and I’m aging on the inside prematurely because of losing my ovaries. Inside, I’m like a 70 year old. I don’t see myself living a very long life. I’m just being realistic. And Dan is the only person I’d want to have my baby Constantine. That’s all…

Who’s that girl…? It ain’t Madonna, that’s for sure…

So… my mom gave me a bunch of pictures the one day (you know, back when people used actual cameras that used film) and some other interesting oddities… This was one of the pictures in the stack. This is me when I was maybe 23 or 24 years old? I’m going to say 24… Christmas Day at my sister’s judging by the ugly Christmas sweater. But… I don’t remember this picture ever being taken or have a clue who would have taken it. I know I didn’t pose for it… So why does it look like I did?! I’m so completely freaked out by this picture, it’s not even funny. Who the fuck took this?! Why don’t I remember it?! Why did my mom give me a reminder of how I looked more than 25 years ago, knowing I’ll just feel bad because I don’t look that good now?! It’s the Tootsie Roll Pop effect: The world may never know…

Proof that everyone in the 1970s were fucking blind…

However, I did get this gem in that pack of photos and other little oddities. It may not look like much to you except a blurry ass old picture with ugly decor and people in ugly clothes and why the fuck are those two kids dressed in the same outfit?! Hahahaa… This would be Christmas at my house! I have no idea what year… I look like I was 4, maybe 5? So 1977 or 1978 is my guess. The little girl on the left that looks miserable with such a shitty haircut? That’s me sitting on my favorite cousin’s lap. Then my grandmother is next followed by my cousin that inspired me to play the guitar (he’s passed away now) with my sister on his lap and my other cousin on the floor in front. No, my sister and I don’t look anything alike but neither of us are adopted and we have the same parents. And my mother liked to dress us up in the same exact outfits for Christmas, heaven help us… But why this photo is gold is the painting on the wall. I always loved it and my mom got rid of it decades ago. All I had was my memory of it to go off of to try and recreate it, which I was going to attempt. Then she gave me this! Now I can recreate it with confidence! As a weird side note, I still own the sunburst clock (it hangs in my living room now), the stand ashtray (between the sofa and recliner) and the coffee table… Don’t ask… I’m just a retro girl at heart I guess…

Halloween Contest And Random Oddities…

I’ve got all my ducks in a row, hahahah….

I’ve had a bit of an absence again… I’ve actually been a bit ill off and on for the last few months. Nothing serious (that I know of anyway), just some IBS issues so I’m told. Anyway… in light of the fact that I’ve been MIA again, I decided to do something nice for you, dear readers, for sticking around even when I go missing. I’m having a Halloween contest! *thundering applause* Hence the reason for the above picture… Temu, one of everyone’s favorite sweatshops for cool, cheap products no one actually needs, had this huge bag of Halloween themed ducks for dirt cheap. And I’m a sucker for ducks… So you know I had to buy this huge bag of ducks I didn’t need for no other reason other than the fact that they looked cool and I could throw them all in the tub at once when I took a bath because I’m weird like that (I still have yet to go through with that plan). But before I did, I decided I wanted to get all my ducks in a row for a picture. That’s where I got the idea for the contest…

So here are the rules… Leave me a comment and tell me which is your favorite duck (just because I’d like to know) then tell me which one you think is my favorite duck. And please be specific as there are several of certain kinds (like Batman, Dracula, the mummy, pumpkins, etc.) The person who guesses my favorite duck will receive a digital drawing of their favorite duck, drawn by yours truly! I know, it’s not the greatest prize, but funds have been tight with me not feeling great for so long… It’s just a little something fun for one of my favorite holidays! I hope some of you will participate! Good luck!

Speaking of Halloween… I found my costume!

Okay, it’s not so much a costume as it is “the hat I wear in the house literally all day long”, hahahaa! Robin Hood has been my favorite Disney movie for fucking ever (literally) and, luckily for me, it too turned 50 this year. I thought I would get lucky and Disney would have a metric shit ton of Robin Hood merch on their site, but no… they hardly had any, something I wrote to them and bitched at them for. Seriously, the 50th anniversary and you have like three items?! Anyway… Thankfully a lot of third party companies are selling more items. I bought a T-shirt from one company (that’s amazing but not licensed) and I bought this amazing hat (licensed) from Hot Topic that also comes with a tail so you can play Robin Hood for Halloween! Yeah… just for Halloween… uh-huh… That’s all I’ll be doing…

And because I’m completely bat shit insane, I spent about $65 (with shipping) to buy a stuffed Robin Hood on Mercari…

Normally a germaphobe like me wouldn’t buy something like this off a website like Mercari since everything is used. But the woman selling it looked okay, she had great reviews… And I’m sorry, I had to have him! I didn’t know they ever even made him into a plush and had spent years bitching at them because they hadn’t. How did I miss this?! Well, it doesn’t matter… What matters now is that Robin is now living safe and sound at my house and, after going through the washing machine, has been deemed safe for cuddling by me! Isn’t he awesome?! I have no idea what my fetish has been with this movie all these years… I guess there’s just something romantic about the character, the good he does, that he’s such a bad ass with a bow and arrow, that he’s an outlaw for helping the people who are oppressed by a crazy prince, that he’s sly and cunning… I have no idea, but I always liked the idea of being Robin Hood. Now I can be! Sort of…

So after learning the songs I’d last mentioned, my guitar instructor asked me what song I’d like to learn next. This was the one I chose… I always thought the guitar in it was so lovely and, in general, I really love this song. When I went out to Los Angeles at 18, I had gone into Tower Records and bought several 45s I couldn’t find where I live. This was one of them… Of course he was all for it because my instructor, though probably about 15+ years my junior, is actually a fan of Bread and he loves this song as well and felt it would be a good one for me to try. It’s actually relatively simple and I was actually trying to play along as he was showing me how it was done. Oddly enough, I remembered the chords he showed me that I’d never played before after only seeing them once… I played it for my mom later that week and she instantly knew what song it was (surprisingly). I was working so hard on this one that I actually asked my instructor to show me the strumming patterns (something I haven’t gotten down yet) and have been working my fingers to the point of painful cramps just so I could get it down to a science. And I have! Now I can play it fairly well! My only issue is I can’t play along with the song yet because I still can’t play quite fast enough. I can play it pretty fast, just not fast enough… not yet. Next is going to be another Bread song. I have a feeling we’re going to be doing an entire Bread anthology before we’re done which is fine by me! It sounds so pretty on Constantine, it really does!

Speaking of music… This was my second to last album I got in the mail from Vinyl Moon… It’s fucking translucent purple!!! Now, I love all my vinyl, don’t get me wrong. Colored vinyl definitely gives me goosebumps. Translucent or transparent vinyl that’s colored really tickles my fancy. But when you make the latter of them purple?! Well… I just about lost my fucking mind when I pulled this baby out of the jacket! I mean, just look at it! This is a thing of beauty! And now you’re probably wondering, “Hey Jackie, if they don’t ask you what genres you like, don’t you get shitty music? Are you just in it for the cool looking vinyl and album art?” Nope, those are bonuses. I honestly have no idea how in the hell they know what I like, but somehow I end up liking almost every single song on every album (there’s usually one that’s just meh). I have no idea how they do it. Witchcraft? I have no idea… But I love this company!

I was invited to a wedding a little over a week ago… Now, I hate big functions because I never have anything to wear. I loathe dresses and skirts, so I tend to avoid things like weddings and funerals. But as these were very good friends and, every so often, I like to doll myself up and look sophisticated and not like the hippie slob I normally look like, I decided to go. Who would have thought buying a damn dress at this time of year would be so fucking difficult?! I tried on one that actually made me say out loud, “It looks like I’m ready to go clubbing with my coven!” One woman overheard me and laughed at my comment. It was a horrible dress… Anyway, I finally found one that I didn’t particularly care for, but it had long sleeves. Well, don’t you know, the forecast changed and it was going to be 75 degrees that day! I had to desperately look for something cooler at the last minute and found this dress. I really like it and received a lot of compliments on how nice I looked in it. I felt pretty and sophisticated in it… But chiffon will do that to you I guess. I even wore the dreaded pantyhose. Good heavens, what was I thinking?! I was actually a girly-girl for a day! But it was nice…

Well, dear readers, I’ll leave you with a funny Jade sent me that had me giggling!

Don’t forget to leave a comment on which is your favorite duck and which you think is my favorite duck if you’d like to enter the contest! Winners will be announced by November 1st, so make sure you get your comments in before then! Good luck to anyone participating and if you don’t, I hope you enjoyed this random entry about nothing based on some Halloween themed bathtub duck toys, haha!

A Little Randomness To Start Your Day

Yes, I’ve started playing my Animal Crossing game again. I learned you can get bubble tea! But you can only get it during the fireworks show they hold every Sunday during the month of August from buying raffle tickets. I spent so many bells, but I got every flavor! Anyway… I’d had a shitty weekend, had a horrible fight with someone close to me, and was feeling really down. When I went to play my game, this is what I was greeted with, my in game bestie, Punchy, asking if I wanted to watch the fireworks with him. Now… this isn’t how the game works. They say shit like this all the time, but they don’t mean it. It’s just a nice gesture for them to say it. But I still plopped my video game ass on the bench and began clapping (you can do that) in the hopes Punchy might join me, but I wasn’t optimistic. Imagine my surprise that he not only sat down and started clapping with me, but he sat there for a good ten minutes! Just me and my little bestie watching fireworks together… It’s almost as if they know when you need cheering up. Is Nintendo watching and listening?! Hahahah… But seriously, it’s a little creepy that they always seem to know what you need and when. Was Punchy just making good on his request? Or did he know I desperately needed cheering up? I don’t know. All I know is that it was the first time I’d smiled all weekend. Sometimes it’s the simple things in life that can make all the difference in the world. And this was one of those things. Punchy is my little love… I wish they made a way to hug them in this game.

So I’ve decided to retire my 9 year old dinosaur and get a MacBook Air. And the first thing I decided I wanted to write on it was a blog for you, dear readers! I mean, if you’re still sticking around after some of the shit I’ve written, you deserve a nicely written blog on a new laptop, right? I probably wouldn’t have bought a new one, but mine was reaching the point of receiving no more updates (that’s bad) due to its age. That’s bad… And Best Buy happened to have this bad boy on sale. They did not, however, have the color I wanted and the closest store that has the starlight was quite a haul from me. My choices were gray and black. Eew… I hate the gray (the color of my old one) so I was shown the black. It was pretty nice, so I went with the black. It’s growing on me. And I’m liking the lightweight, sleek design. It also has a kick ass speaker my other one didn’t have which is amazing for my music! I’m even going so far as to buy a case for this one because it’s so thin, I’m kind of afraid of it breaking…. I found a beautiful one with mandalas on it that’s perfect! I’m still getting used to the huge track pad and typing on it, though…

So today’s topic of randomness… Last night, I watched What’s Eating Gilbert Grape… For those of you who have never seen the movie, it’s about a young man named. Gilbert (obviously) who is the man of the house since his father died and is pretty much put in charge of everything since his father hung himself. He’s the breadwinner that supports his two sisters, his retarded brother and his obese, housebound mother all while having some odd love affair with an older, married woman and having to keep a very watchful eye on his retarded brother, Arnie, who is forever getting in trouble because he doesn’t know any better. And if poor Gilbert fucks up, he’s forever being told he has to “do better”. That’s a tremendous amount of stress being put on someone so young. He’s not treated fairly at all and has no future living in this dilapidated house he can’t keep repairing in this bumble fuck town that has no hope for anyone living in it. It’s a fucking toilet…

But that’s not what I want to talk about… It’s the woman who played the mom, Darlene Cates. Look at her! She’s easily 400 pounds at least! And this is a huge (no pun intended) part of the story. Though they may not all admit it, in some ways (with the exception of Arnie), they[re all feeling the shame and embarrassment their mother brings upon them simply by being fat, Gilbert actually lifts neighborhood kids to look In the window to see the fat woman (which is really fucked up) and is constantly bad mouthing her behind her back. It wasn’t until she climbed the stairs to her room and died os a massive heart attack that Gilbert realizes hoe much he loved her and wont let her become a joke by letting her get taken out of the house by crane because of her size. He decided they all had to move out the furniture they wanted tp keep and decided to torch the entire house, essentially cremating her in this enormous blaze. Amazingly, no one got busted for arson… I’m assuming it’s because the house would have been leveled anyway.

That movie was made back in 1993… Back then, if you had someone in your family that was super morbidly obese, it was an embarrassment. Today, in 2023, there are a lot of super morbidly obese people in the world. Hell, how many times have you been in the grocery store and you see elderly people who can barely move walking around the store because there are no motorized carts. Why? Because they’re all taken by fat people who can walk but choose not to because it’s difficult lugging around all that blubber. We’ve become a society of whiny little bitches who say all sizes are beautiful and we shouldn’t fat shame anyone. So now, instead of people like the mom in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape being an embarrassment to themselves and their families, it’s almost as if the way society started seeing fat people gave everyone a free pass to eat what they wanted to, gain as much weight as they wanted to, because they would still be accepted by society and be considered as worthy and beautiful.

Does this look beautiful to you?! It doesn’t even look human anymore! But that’s just my opinion… Fat is one thing. Being super morbidly obese is quite another. And it’s so unhealthy… With this amount of weight, you’re subject to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease and a whole plethora of other health complications. Put down the box of mallow mars and eat a god damned salad!

But in the past 30 years, society has decided that being this fat is perfectly acceptable… Instead of gawking and staring at super morbidly obese people like they did in the movie, we now see this as a type of norm. And no body shaming…. That’s a huge no-no…. Someone will get offended by that! Listen, if I offended anyone… Well, truthfully I’m not sorry. This is just my opinion that you can take or leave. You don’t need to love it or even like it. But if you want me to respect your views, you had better be respecting mine. It’s that simple. Still… When did the US go from being ashamed of super morbidly obese people to being comfortable with this being the norm? We live in a fucked up society…

By the way (more randomness)… For anyone who saw my work in progress last time, I finally finished my drawing!

I said it before and I’ll say it again… I fucking hate working in graphite. I’m not very good at it because I don’t practice it enough (hence the reason I’m doing it so much) and it’s a messy, tricky pain in the ass. However, I will say some of the people on my Facebook group are simply amazed at one thing… I think when they draw graphite drawings, they tend to create drawings with photo references. That’s a bit easier, especially if they’re black and white photos or you can convert them to such. But I don’t do that… These aren’t real people, I don’t use photos… these are just people I make up. So there are no references, no way for me to figure out where light is hitting, blah blah… I think they’re just impressed I can create people…

In other news… Yours truly has been doing rather well with her guitar lessons!

My instructor recently gave me “Hotel California”, “Dust In The Wind” and this week he gave me Jim Croce’s “I’ll Have To Say I Love You In A Song”! I got the first two in the same week as I had an hour long session as I’d had to miss one… Anyway, I’m doing rather well with “Hotel California”. I played it all the way through the other day while I was singing along and it wasn’t too bad! I’m also getting fairly good at David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”! He may actually make a guitarist out of me yet!

Let’s hope I can speed it up a bit… That’s my biggest issue… I can play all the chords, I just can’t do it very fast yet. I know, All things in due time, right? But I do think I need to either practice relentlessly or I need a miracle to feel confident enough to play faster than I do. Cross your fingers!

Jackie’s Back… With An Apology…

Hello, dear readers (if there are any of you left)…

When I first started this blog, my intent was to write about random shit that comes into my brain that just makes me wonder and overanalyze things I shouldn’t be analyzing at all (that happens more frequently than you think) or just whatever I happened to feel like writing about that particular day and wanted to get the fuck out out my head. But at some point the dynamic severely changed and it turned into this mini dramatic soap opera about Morticia and my miserable existence dealing with her and her fucking special brand of crazy… That wasn’t what I wanted. That was never what I wanted. This blog was supposed to be entertaining in its randomness and goofiness, not just me bitching paragraph after paragraph. I hated what she was doing to me and never realized she had, essentially, turned me into her… Now I was bitching all the time and she was always the subject.

Part of the Vinyl Moon collection. Check them out on Spotify!

I don’t even think I realized what was happening, to be honest… At least not until several days ago. I hadn’t been feeling well late last week (it was either stress or my blood pressure was tanking again, thanks zoledronic acid), but I had a party to attend at the home of my friends, we’ll call them Roger and Tom. Roger is like my own personal ray of sunshine that breaks through the gray clouds and shines down on me. He says that’s what I am to him, but maybe we just feed off each other. I remember when he met Tom and I first met him, I told him to keep this one. Now they’ve been married several years. Better people never existed. I love them both so much and I needed this party as stress relief and uplifting. But Morticia called that morning, venting like no one has ever venting over the same old shit like usual. I told her I had no idea why she worried so much about what people thought of her, especially because in this case, they wouldn’t think badly of her, it would be another person’s error, not hers. She went off on such a tangent, my stomach was in in such pain. I was afraid I’d end up at the ER instead of the party. But I pulled myself together, took a Klonopin and went. I had the most marvelous time and realized I want to have that feeling all the time. My friend Jade had told me about this iPhone feature called focus where the only calls or messages that get through are the ones you allow (all these years I had an iPhone, never knew you could do that). So I set it up and my phone was blessedly silent!

I kept in only the most important people, like my mom and her sponge boyfriend (she had a triple bypass almost two years ago and he’d had a heart attack before that, so I need to keep them in there just in case), my weird ass sister (just in case of emergency because she never gets in touch with me otherwise) and a few others. Morticia did not make the list and neither did Anakin who has been blowing up my phone lately because he found out he had gout…

You know, I’ve had it… Between Morticia complaining about all her issues, a cousin who messaged me out of the blue to bitch about his arthritis and now Anakin bitching because he has to take medicine for gout, I was losing my shit… I’ve been on psych meds for over a decade, I’m on cholesterol meds, vitamin D because I’m deficient, had a dangerous injection to help my bones… I have osteoarthritis, osteoporosis, early onset emphysema and early onset aortic stenosis, which means my aorta is starting to calcify, which you don’t see until people are 70 and I’m only 50. I’m aging prematurely because of losing my ovaries and it blows. And if my aorta goes… Well, I either get a pig valve or I die. Fun times! I’m terrified, but I don’t talk to anyone about it (until now). Do they really think I want to hear about their petty issues?! Even when I tell them what’s wrong, they still act like my issues are nothing and they’re worse off. I’m done… So I silenced the noise from almost everyone.

Before I silenced my texts (I didn’t know you could silence certain apps), I got a message from Morticia on Monday, the day I went silent, asking if I was okay. I waited almost the entire day to respond before I told her I was fine, I was just taking time to myself, that my phone was constantly ringing and pinging so much that I was neglecting things I wanted and needed to do (drawing, painting, writing, writing back to my uncle, practicing my guitar) and that I needed to take some me time, it was just something I had to do right now. She hasn’t seemed angry about it… yet… But this is only the start of the third day. I’m waiting for her to crack.

As for me… I feel FREE!!! Yes, dear readers, I feel fucking free! No more getting calls a half dozen times a day because she’s bored just to listen to her bitch about the same fucking things over and over again… No more wasting my precious time listening to things that aren’t my circus or monkeys… No more waking up and immediately having to decide what I’m going to try and accomplish in the short amount of time I have before she starts harassing me all day long… Now I’ve been waking up and having no fucking idea what I’m going to be doing that particular day. I’ve been sleeping a lot, though. I think I’m catching up on what I’ve missed from being stressed the fuck out…

Now I can concentrate on more important things… Like this goober, here… This is Roxie! She’s an 8 year old rescue Corgi my friend was going to foster. She had her one night and the poor thing was so scared, she hid under the bed all night. She knew I wanted another corgi, so she immediately texted me. She brought her up the next day and Roxie was instantly at home. I’ve had some issues with her that I’m trying to break her of… She came from a puppy mill, she was a breeder. In her 8 years, she had 16 litters, the poor thing. She has some bladder leakage issues sometimes, she sometimes gets in fights with Baxter and, on rare occasions, Miko. She gets along fine with my cat Sebastian, but not Haiku because she’s scared shitless of the dog and then Roxie takes advantage and nips at her. The cat hasn’t come downstairs in over a month… But she’s a sweet, loving dog. I don’t want to give up on her. I just need her to understand what’s not tolerated and she’ll be okay. I hope… She deserves a good home.

I’ve also started drawing again… This is my latest work in progress. Have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate graphite drawing? No…? Well, now you know. It’s not that I can’t, I just fucking hate it with a passion. All that shading and blending… And I always make the outline of the hair, which I know I shouldn’t do, but I hate to lose detail, which I will if I don’t. Not that I would if I used a lot of blending and shading, mind you. But I would lose sight of where it needed to go as I was working if I didn’t have the outline. What a bother… Still, I think she looks pretty nice so far. I’m going to work on the body soon. I’m sure I’ll post a picture of the finished work if I like it. It just feels good to be working again! I haven’t been doing much of anything lately (who has the time with Morticia constantly taking up all their time?) so I decided to do something time consuming and a bit grand. something a bit out of my comfort zone…

And, of course, I’ve been spending time this week practicing on Constantine… I felt bad; I lief to my instructor. He asked how my practicing went last week and I had to tell him it went well and I redirected him elsewhere. I couldn’t tell him I have this asshole friend who won’t leave me alone long enough to practice and I did nothing…

I love my instructor… We never really did all the basic crap because I taught myself a song in the two weeks between when I got Constantine and when I had my first lesson (it was “Wishing You Were Here” by Chicago). I can play any instrument I pick up, to a point, because I play by ear, and my instructor is the same, though he had some lessons on certain instruments. I taught myself piano and started teaching myself guitar. It’s only now that I’m learning what chords really are and mean and remember which is which. He gives me a new song almost every week! And yes, I was crazy to start with a 12 string. Go big or go home!

So this is what I’ve been doing for the last almost 3 days…

I have other things I need to do as well. I need to respond to the letter I got from my uncle… He turned 80 at the end of April. He and I have been writing letters back and forth for years, now. Sometimes it takes him a while, his arthritis can get bad some days and he has fibromyalgia, so it may take him days to finish one letter. But that’s okay. It gives me something to look forward to! Mail is always the same: bills, ads and junk. The only time you look forward to going to your mailbox is if you ordered something and that’s not good enough. I like getting letters, reading how his garden is doing, what he’s been up to… And I like writing back what I’ve been up to. I can be more open with him in a letter, but I can be more open with him in general. He’s very much like me and I can really be myself with him. I think today I’ll write that letter I’ve been putting off since I now have good news… Besides, it gives him something to look forward to in the mailbox as well, right? Yes it does… Personally, I think we should all bring back this lost art of letter writing. Life is too full of technological shit. Letter writing is an art form that should be brought back!

As you can see, I’m definitely feeling more like myself…

This is not my baby bearded dragon, by the way… It belongs to someone else, but it was plopped on my shoulder while I was writing to Google because they’re complete fucktards, signed me out of my main account on my phone and now I can’t get the fuck back into it and I’m pissed as shit. Next thing I know, Bobbie was plopped on my shoulder. I don’t mind her… She’s actually kind of cute. I’ve pet her, held her… Then I suddenly had her on my shoulder. Okay then! She was really content there, so I left her for a while. When I had to get her off my shoulder, I was taught how to pick her up properly. So I’m learning a lot about bearded dragons. I was never a girly girl… I don’t have issues with weird things like reptiles, amphibians and bugs. I just dislike spiders and stinging insects (because I’m allergic to the latter). It was kind of fun hanging with Bobbie!

In closing, dear readers, I’m so sorry for all the bitching I’ve done and the mini dramatic soap opera I’ve put you all through for such a long time… That’s not what I wanted this blog to be. That’s not normally who I am and that’s certainly not who I want to be… I apologize for everything.

That being said, since I’m weeding out the negative vibes, the energy vampires, I hope I can start providing you with the crazy, random posts that were my intention to provide you with in the first place. No more of the bullshit… It changed me into a person I wasn’t liking and, had it continued much longer, I think I would have lost friends and the few of you who actually read the drivel I write. I don’t want any of that to happen. So I’m taking my life back… I’m taking ME back… To those of you who stuck with me through the rough times, thank you for putting up with my shit. I promise, better days are coming! Wait and see!

Ashes, Ashes, We All… Fall… Down.

This is 50… It doesn’t look so bad. Right…?

I gave in… It cost me $50.88 with tax to pay for the year (the cheaper option) to bring you a few more photos… Of course, I’d have a lot more space if I could figure out which of the doubles I have that I used and which I didn’t. When I get motivated, I may do that…

So this was from my 50th birthday bash… I was on the dance floor (alone at the time), taking a selfie video, just dancing in a circle while singing to the song playing, “More, More More” by Andrea True Connection, wearing my glittery fedora and beads (I had difficulty seeing through the LED ladder shades I also got for party favors) and the pixie lights my friend (we’ll call her Jamie) strung on me. I was still fairly drunk on the bottle of Moët & Chandon I bought for myself and my mother’s boyfriend just sat watching me, shaking his head as he watched me look like the silly asshole I was being. But I had a blast! Whether I was by myself or with Jade twirling me around the floor, with Morticia and sometimes my mother joining in, I had the absolute best time! But… I learned a valuable lesson… If you party like you’re in your 20s when you’re 50, it takes at least a week to fully recuperate. I was beat! But it was well worth it!

So I decided to do a few things for myself in the past few months because, hey, life is short and more of my life is behind me than ahead of me now… One thing I’ve always wanted was a grandfather clock, but even the cheap ones that the bargain outlet would get in were $2000! So when I saw this stunning beauty on Facebook for $450, I jumped on it! Now, supposedly, the only thing wrong was that it didn’t keep time correctly (but I have a relative that works on watched who said he could try to look at it). So I got a moving box truck and some muscle and brought it home. We were really careful, but I think we may have messed something up. It chimes, that much I’ve gotten it to do at least. But I can’t keep the pendulum swinging. I think I may have wound it too tightly… It’s definitely level as I got a level to make sure of that. So that’s the only thing I can think of. At first it wouldn’t chime because I had it wound too tightly, but now it chimes just fine. But the weight that controls the pendulum hasn’t dropped because I can’t keep it going. I think I may need to just sit for hours and manually swing it until it starts dropping for it to go on it’s own. If I need it repaired, it’ll still cost less than a new one anyway…

I also decided to resume my guitar lessons recently… I had put them on hold, partly due to financial reasons, partly due to my mother having a heart attack, having a triple bypass and, consequently, needing my assistance when she first came home. She only needed me for that first week before she felt comfortable doing basic care and other light things on her own, but still… I suppose I felt I should be available should she need me, seeing as how the “good daughter”, the nurse practitioner who works from home and can take time off whenever she wants, couldn’t be bothered to take time off to help care for her own mother. No, that was left to me, the youngest child who was only a nurse’s aid for a few years, the child who was neglected growing up in favor of her sister and quite bitter about it. But someone had to look after her, so I waited. It’s been almost two years, she’s doing fine, so time for me and Constantine to jam once again!

And boy, did I have a massively shitty one…

But not everything has been sunshine, lollipops and unicorn farts these past few months…

My already strained relationship with Morticia has gotten that much worse… I did something to help her and, though everyone seems to think I did this because I’m a kind, caring person, I really didn’t. I don’t know why everyone, including my psychologist, still doesn’t get it. Maybe it’s because it’s easier for them to ignore it, but I am a sociopath. I don’t mean that figuratively, I mean that quite literally. Oh, not to the degree as some. But I don’t feel sympathy or empathy, I don’t understand those emotions except by definition. I manipulate people when I want to get my own way and I don’t feel bad about it. And if I do something nice for something nice for someone, it’s always because it benefits me. That’s the only reason I did what I did for Morticia…

A present from my friend Jade. Truer words were never spoken…

Morticia was in a state of major financial hardship. Not surprising; she’s terrible with money and has been overspent every month for years. She’s borrowed a lot of money from a lot of people (and hasn’t always paid them back or done so in a timely fashion) and was still overspent and never able to catch up. I could have let her drown, listened to her sobbing to me for hours every single fucking day. But that’s not good for my mental health, now, is it? No it’s not… I was in a relatively stable enough position to loan her $2000 to get a used car. One of her family members then decided to chip in and sent me $500 towards the payments Morticia has to make every month. Part of that I used to pay for the tax, title and plate transfer. Part I used to pay off what she owed on her storage unit so she could get in there to clean it out and finally get rid of that bill. The rest I used to help her start up a better internet service and save $100 a month from the one she had. So the money I loaned her didn’t come without strings. It came with a lesson…

I know, this is so wrong, but it makes me laugh so hard…

The problem with Morticia is that you can’t teach her shit… Oh, she was incredibly grateful at first. But, as time went on, she didn’t seem to like being told, “You can’t afford that,” or “You can’t afford to be spending money on things like that right now,” or “If you can’t afford your bills, you shouldn’t be buying booze”… Fucking alcoholic… God forbid, don’t call her that, though… It wasn’t long before she began developing a major attitude and getting nasty with me about everything that had to do with getting that storage unit cleaned out in time and making sure she would have that first payment (which I was nice enough to give her almost two months grace to get her shit together to be assured she’d be able to handle the $125 a month). And it literally baffles me what in the blue fuck makes her think she has the right to talk to me that way? I didn’t have to help her and, financially, I shouldn’t have.

I really need to wear this shirt more often…

Yikes, I’m showing my ugly mug a lot today… But there was a reason for this one (and it’s not to show my ripped up siding, thank you stormy weather). I found this amazing shirt at the flea market! Good old Buffalo Bill…

Let me tell you something, there are days Morticia pisses me off so bad, I want to toss her ass down in a hole and send her down a basket with a bottle of Jergen’s on a string and tell her the very thing printed on my shirt… I’m just feeling like she thinks that she’s the one in a position of power, here, and she’s abusing it every fucking chance she gets. Absolute power corrupts, absolutely… But the thing is, she’s not the one in the position of power. That would be me… And, as we can see, I don’t want to abuse that power. I didn’t see a need to. I loan you money, I set the payback amount and schedule, you pay me back, it’s all good. I don’t need to lord it over you that I did you a solid, especially since I did it for myself, really… But this attitude problem… This is something I absolutely will not tolerate. Nor should I! For someone who is forever telling me they were raised to see the good in everyone and believes everyone is good in some ways, she certainly doesn’t live according to how she sees other people… I learned over the years that people, for the most part, are shit… And if you don’t want me to think that, deep down, you’re inherently a piece of shit like everyone else, you need to prove yourself to me. It’s fun growing up around nothing but assholes, isn’t it…?

My newest mala… Because I need a LOT of meditation…

I’ve also taken notice to the fact that she doesn’t seem to care that, right now, I could really use that $2000 I loaned her to make my life a lot easier at the moment… Will I lose everything without it? No, not exactly… But I recently had to call in a plumber because I had a leak in my dining room. He couldn’t find the source no matter how hard he tried (and he was here for hours) so I was to leave the ceiling open until the end of the month. If there were no more leaks, it would be safe to seal the hole he’d cut. This past weekend, I had a waterfall come running from that hole and I had to call him again. Now I have two holes in my ceiling. Where he thought the leak was coming from, it wasn’t coming from. So I shelled out $600 for the work he did and I’m still not certain the issue is resolved with the mystery leak. And the mortgage is due soon… I mentioned that to Morticia, as if saying, “Hint, hint, that $2000 would come in handy right now, seeing as how I have bills to pay and now a plumbing disaster…” All she could say was $600 for the work he did wasn’t bad… Does she think I’m fucking made of money?! Because I’m not and I know that she’s aware of this. Yet she’s so empathetic and sympathetic towards everyone on the face of the planet, except in this instance. It’s because I think she has no intention of paying that money back at all.

I’ve been very depressed lately… I feel like everything is falling down around me and there’s little I can do to stop it. Well… I’m sure there is something I can do about this Morticia situation, aside from flipping shit on her dumb ass, but I have to be smart about it. And right now, my brain isn’t functioning well enough to do that.

I got more bad news from my plethora of doctors yet again… So my osteoporosis, emphysema and now the beginning of aortic stenosis are all caused by my premature aging from losing my ovaries so young. Apparently you don’t see aortic stenosis until people are 70. Lucky me… And I have to start pulmonary therapy (like physical therapy) for my lungs. Good times… I’m feeling so down and sorry for myself, I can’t think about how to deal with Morticia right now… I need a vacation from reality, that’s what I really need…

Jackie Blue Has Left The Building…

You know, I really wish WordPress gave more storage so I didn’t need to keep recycling pictures. Especially since the upgrade is so expensive for so little space and it’s paid monthly…

In any case… It’s been quite some time since I’ve written (and bitched about photo storage space). It’s been a rough ride, dear readers. Honestly, I’m surprised my hair didn’t turn as white as it is in this Snapchat photo! If I ever even consider throwing a large party again, I want someone to bitch slap me really hard upside the back of my dumb ass head and remind me exactly why it would be a really bad fucking idea! Now I know why party planners exist and why people hire them… They do all the work and worrying so you don’t have to! They’re kind of like Scrubbing Bubbles except they plan your party instead of cleaning your toilet… I’m not sure why anyone would actually want a job like that but, hey, more power to you if you like to work under a tremendous amount of stress and you don’t even get to kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Sure, you probably get paid and paid well for your efforts, but still… Wouldn’t you want to enjoy what you created? I know I would…

And I did. But let me tell you something… I will never, ever plan a big party or event for myself ever the fuck again. I suffered horribly from all the stress. I couldn’t eat right, sleep right, I was suffering from the worst of my IBS symptoms because my stress and anxiety levels were off the fucking charts… And that was just from the planning! That didn’t include people making my life more difficult! It also didn’t include that my maintenance guy was able to come this past week to do work on the front of my house…

My actual birthday was pretty nice, actually…. I got some really nice gifts, including a bright yellow bicycle so I can get some exercise. I lazed around most of the morning until my uncle from Georgia called me. That made it a special day. I only get to talk to him at Christmas and we write letters the rest of the time, so it was a really special call. I picked up a can of paint for my shutters (I know, that sounds boring) then I went to see the local hockey team play that evening. I had a great seat! 6th row, very close to center ice! But they played like shit… By the last 20 minutes, they were down 2 goals and I thought, “It will take a miracle for them to come back and win…” I don’t know how, but they did it! They scored 3 goals, came back for the win and are going to the playoffs! And my name was on the Jumbotron as it was my actual birthday that night! How cool!

However, that was the only good day amid weeks of stress and anxiety… I was having a lot of issues. I was trying desperately to deal with the fact that my late friend, Michele, the one I celebrated birthdays with, would not be here to help me celebrate my milestone, the big 5-0. My sister was being a bit of an asshole, which is nothing new. She gets weird and I think a lot of it has to do with her snobby ass boyfriend. She’s snobby, too, but he’s just a huge douche. The response of, “We’ll come but we can’t stay long,” because douche was on-call and couldn’t be away from his computer. I’m not sure I bought that since he doesn’t seem to like us much, like he thinks we’re not worthy enough. Even the response made me feel as if I should feel privileged they were coming. My one niece simply said, “We can’t come. But thanks for the invite.” She’s literally turning into my sister… My other niece said she should be able to make it, she was “pretty sure” her and her boyfriend were going away the following weekend on vacation. When I told her not to worry if she couldn’t as her sister couldn’t come and her mother couldn’t stay long and I had other people who were going on vacation that weekend, she responded with, “Why do I feel like you’re trying to guilt trip me when I already said we’d come?” Really?! When, exactly, did you say you’d come? When you told me you were “pretty sure” your vacation was the following weekend?! That’s not telling me shit…

Much as I appreciated my mother making most of the food (I paid for the hall, soda, cake, some decorations and other shit), I didn’t need her calling me constantly to tell me what she decided to do with every little thing. We decided on the menu, just fucking make the damn shit! I don’t care what you put in what! Just fucking make it! Morticia was just as bad, wanting to make or bring big food items when I knew we had enough and she doesn’t have the money right now to do so (I gave her cheap stuff to bring because she insisted, pickles, olives, a bag of potato chips) and making all these suggestions on how to do things… GAH!!! I should have just given her and my mother each other’s numbers and told them to have at it and leave me be…

By the time the actual day came (which was this past Saturday, 4 days ago), I was so stressed and anxious, I was literally making myself sick. All I could do was hope that when I got to the hall and started decorating, I’d start feeling a little bit better. Luckily, that’s exactly what happened. I had only seen a few pictures of this place online (and they weren’t good ones) so I had no clue what the hall I booked looked like. It was huge! And it was a lot fancier than I thought it would be! It was so nice, I was in complete awe! Definitely worth my $450!

And what an amazing, fun night I had! My one friend, I’ll call her Jade, who I’ve been friends with over 20 years with online but have never met in person drove in from out of state to come to my party! I bear hugged her when I saw her! We took lots of selfies together and danced together, she twirled me on the dance floor… It was such fun! It was like we had been friends in person all these years! My mom and sometimes Morticia even joined us to dance! We had such a blast! Sometimes I just danced by myself! I had glitter neon colored fedora party hats, plastic bead necklaces and LED light up ladder shades (you’d be surprised how many adults like to be silly) and we had a blast! The food was great, so many people brought such delicious things as a side and one of my favorite aunt made her famous broccoli salad just because I asked her to! I had a beautiful cake, the best music… and I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I know it sounds crazy to say as an atheist, but I truly felt blessed! And I even got to disco dance to that song “K-Jee” from Saturday Night Fever! I may not have been able to do everything they did in their routine (I’m too old, too arthritic and I have osteoporosis), but it still looks great on video! I was so happy! I was also so drunk at the time on a bottle of Moët & Chandon and nearly puked with all the spinning, but… And when I started to sober up, I felt really nauseous the rest of the night and was in pain (you don’t know you’re hurting yourself when you’re drunk), but it was all worth it!

I’ll let my video game self stick to dancing from now on…

This week I’m just going to rest and recuperate from everything crazy that’s gone on the past month and all the awful things I did to myself Saturday… I still keep having horrible waves of heartburn, I’m still mildly sore and I’m just exhausted. So I’m going to lay like broccoli, be a vegetable and just say “fuck it” this week. Well, except hang around while my maintenance man fixes the front of my house. A present to myself… I’m finally making my house look pretty! But I don’t have to lift a finger, just hang out in case he falls off a ladder… It’s been a good week so far!

Just When You Were Starting To Feel Good About Your Life…

This was how I **was** feeling about myself…

I admit, I’m not a very positive person and, more often than not, I have really low self esteem. It’s difficult for me to view my life, my world, as something good and happy for longer than a few hours, maybe a day or two at most.

I should have seen this downward spiral coming…

Without fail, every time I get happy about something going on in my life, it’s inevitable that my bubble is going to burst and everything that has been making me happy and making me believe my life is finally going in a positive direction backfires and blows up in my face. Every single fucking time! Was I cursed by some weird ass gypsy or something when I was a baby?! Was I that horrible a person in a past life that karma has it in for me and decided that I was to be dealt the shittiest hand in life?! My life is like playing a game of five card stud where you get dealt absolutely nothing, so you keep the best card you have and take four from the dealer in the hopes of getting something. But, instead, those four cards you just got from the dealer are just as shitty as your original cards and you immediately fold. That’s literally every event in my life in a fucking nutshell. It’s all one big bad hand of five card stud…

So let me bring you up to speed… Last time I wrote about the commission I was doing, my client didn’t like the color choices. She wanted one more like the original (this one, the post that started it all). So I made a new one like this only better and she loved it! I charged her $60 USD, which she was fine with and it was a done deal!

Except there was a pretty big issue… Shipping costs have gone way up since COVID and she lives on the other side of the globe. It would cost $60 to ship it to her! I couldn’t ask her to pay so much and that was the cheapest method! She was understandably downhearted, but said she was sure I would find someone else who would want to buy it. I couldn’t have that… She was my first real commission, my inspiration to do something with my art, the reason I snagged another commission… And she loved it so much… I really wanted her to have it, so I offered to pay half the shipping. She was very grateful, but concerned that I wouldn’t be making money off of it. I assured her I would be, just not as much as I would have been. What I didn’t tell her was that I was only going to be making $30… I know that’s extremely cheap for my work, but I know she wanted it so badly… And who knows? It may get me more work! If it does, I’m adding in the shipping costs…

Currently Hippie Girl is on her journey to Australia… I do hope she gets there fast and in one piece. I hope this is the beginning for me, a way to sell my work and make some money. I’m super excited about the idea, to be honest! No one has ever wanted my work before… So now I’m going to branch out, open some online shops and see where it takes me. I’ll never know until I try, right? Things were looking up!

I also had decided to throw myself a 50th birthday party…I wasn’t going to celebrate because I don’t want to be 50. Then I realized I was looking at this all wrong… Yeah, I’ve lived a half century. But I should be looking at it like I’ve lived a half century! Not everyone gets to do that! Besides, for the first time in my life, I wanted a big party. I’ve never had a big party at a relatively nice place. And all the smaller parties I had flopped. I decided this time I was going to have a big shindig that was going to be amazing! I spent a lot of money to rent a rather nice hall, rented my DJ neighbor (who gave me a great price), I have people who offered to bring dishes and my mom is making food, my one friend is helping decorate, make a game and help with centerpieces, we’re having cool hats and 80’s slatted sunglasses with LED lights… And booze!

Is it just me or does the bottom guy look like Patrick Bateman?!

But, as usual, there isn’t anything enjoyable that Morticia can’t shit on… She was home sick yesterday and called as I was addressing the envelops for my custom invites (I designed them) and we were talking about the party. Now, just a few days before this, she had made a comment about things she was going to ask the DJ to play and I told her I wasn’t allowing requests, they were all at the mercy of the old lady’s playlist. She got snippy, “I’m not at anyone’s mercy, I’ll just go somewhere else.” You know what? Then just don’t fucking come! It’s my party! I didn’t see her forking over $250 for the DJ (it’s a great discount for 4 hours)! I chose 70s and early 80s tunes from when I was growing up, so I’m sure everyone will like something. I don’t like country or rap, fucking deal with it! Yesterday she was freaking out on me because I paid $400 for the hall and a $50 custodial fee but I have to take out the garbage and make sure the place isn’t in shambles, I’m getting ripped off. What the fuck does she care?! It’s my money paying for this! She gets free food, free soda, free entertainment… The only thing she has to pay for is her own booze because I’m not paying for that (except my champagne). And people have been funny since COVID and have different rules and want hazard pay for shit like cleaning now. What the fuck does she care what I spent?! I was glad when I got off the phone… Besides, I had a lot to do and told her so…

So I got all the invites addressed and ready to go to the post office, I got a lot of work done on some commissioned drawings (I’ll get to that) and just as I’d put things away for the day, doesn’t Morticia call because she’s “bored”… Excuse me, since when was I put on this Earth to entertain you?! It’s not my fucking job, you know… I love the mindset… “Oh, Jackie doesn’t work; I can call her and talk to her all day because she has nothing better to do than listen to me bitch!” Um… no… I’m working on a story I’ve been writing, I had to address invites, work on commission drawings… I was very busy! I do have a life outside of her. I made quick work of that conversation…

I did have to call my “best friend”, M&M yesterday about the party… That made me feel worse. She seemed all for it, told me put her down for bringing pretzels, but right before we got off the phone, she said she couldn’t really commit to anything because her mom was getting her second knee replacement and she was certain it was the day of my party. I told her my party was a Saturday… She said it was either that day or the following day. I told her the following day would be Sunday. She still wasn’t catching on. Either she’s dumb or thinks I am. Scheduled surgeries are done during the week, even I know that. Everyone knows that… I have a feeling she’s going to blow me off on my birthday again this year like she did last year. And, if she does, we’re done being friends…

By that point, I’m feeling like absolute shit… I’ve got one “friend” who feels the need to control everything when this is my day, my party and my money paying for it and I’ve got another, my supposed “best friend” who blew me off last year on my birthday and never gave me a reason, just that she had “things to do”… Really… You were supposed to be doing things with me… But hey, nothing is so bad that your mom can’t make it worse. Not if she’s an asshole like mine.

About 2 weeks ago, she had asked me if I could draw a picture for a young girl she works with. Her birthday is this Thursday and she loves anime. She said she’d pay me for it. I’m thinking, “Yes… you will…” The woman robbed me of a future. If she wants art, she’s paying like everyone else. Anyway, the girl couldn’t decide between three characters and said I should decide. The manga boards I made them on aren’t very large, so I decided to do all three. Though the styles are simple, it still takes time to ink and color these things. So last night I was talking with my mother and asked if she could pick them up today (my back is out right now). She said she would and she would pay me right away… She figured $10 each, so a total of $30… I never wanted to rage on anyone so hard in my life! By the time I’m done, I’ll have spent probably 30 hours on these fucking things! That’s a dollar an hour! I wonder if she’d like to get paid so little…

And here I sit, dear readers… feeling unloved, unappreciated, untalented, and just like the world’s biggest loser in general…

I’m having serious doubts as to whether or not a party is a good idea… Like I said, every party I’ve ever tried to have had been a tremendous flop. And with the kind of mood I’ve been in (depressed, resentful), I don’t know that I could enjoy myself anyway. I was so happy and excited not too long ago. Now I’m feeling very apprehensive and down about the entire thing.

I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow… I was going to go see him, but my sacroiliac joint started acting up again on Friday. It’s difficult to walk and the only way to calm it down is to rest. So I’m going to have to change it to a Telehealth appointment. It’s not a big deal, but I really wanted to get out of the house and out of my head for a while. But it’s just not a wise idea. Walking, sitting, turning… Anything can set off the pain and set me back in my healing further. It doesn’t matter as long as I get the appointment in. I have a lot to say and I think I need to get a lot of things off my chest at the moment. He needs to get me feeling chipper again before my party or I’m going to be the only party pooper there…

At least my little animals come to my party…

So, dear readers, please send good vibes that I get out of my funk, that my party goes well and that I enjoy myself… I need this.

My PTSD Now Has PTSD…

Hey, hey, hey… C’mere… Lean in close; I have a secret I want to whisper to you… Wanna know how to make someone with mental and mood disorders even crazier than they are…? Make them distrust all doctors. Every single fucking one of them…

Ever since I had that bad experience with that osteoporosis injection, I’ve found that I’m literally terrified of doctors. All doctors… I feel like I can’t trust any of them anymore. Just the other day, I had to go get my repeat bloodwork done that I had been putting off for obvious reasons. I realize she was just a nurse and she was only taking blood (and a urine sample because people thought I did the one in the hospital correctly while I was in pain and hopped up on pain killers), but she was a medical professional and just the thought that she would be doing something for and to me sent me into a massive state of anxiety. Thankfully I had to pee extremely bad when I got there so she had no idea (my little dance hid my anxiety quite well) but on the inside I was freaking the fuck out.

Later in the day, I had an appointment with my shrink, which I thought would be alright. I’ve had so many over the years because a lot of them were complete dipshits. It took years and a lot on his part to earn my trust at all in the first place. I figured when you considered that, I would have no issues going to his office and going through with my appointment. But I did… I had a certain level of anxiety just going there. And as for the usual chats we have every time I see him… I felt like he didn’t really care how my life was going, what was going on, how I was feeling and he was distracted, like he just wanted to get me the fuck out of there. In fact, he started doing something on his computer by the end of the session, so now I’m not sure I trust him…

His suggestion, which I’m not saying is bad, is to start seeing my psychologist again… It’s not a bad idea but, again, anxiety over seeing doctors…

And I currently wouldn’t feel so shitty if I wouldn’t have felt dismissed as I did the other day… Things have been really rough. I still haven’t been feeling well since that fucking injection. My rheumatologist keeps blowing off my questions I have by continuously using her bad acting skills to tell me she never heard of these things happening with this medication, she’ll do some research and get back to me. First of all, you should research medications BEFORE you inject your patients with them. Besides, it’s all just a ruse… It’s been nearly a month and for all the times I’ve called her, she hasn’t researched shit and has never gotten back to me, nor has she answered any of my questions. I don’t even trust my sister, the nurse practitioner, anymore. The internet tells me one thing about this drug, she tells me another. WHICH IS IT?! Who is lying to who?! Are the drug companies lying to the doctors? Are the doctors lying to us?! I just don’t know anymore!!!

To make matters worse, I’ve called three different lawyers to see if I could sue the doctor for malpractice. After all, I was not given any information on this drug, not even the name until the moment I was going to be injected with it, so I had no time to weigh the options as to whether I wanted it or not. One office in a very unprofessional manner, never returned my call. Another I had to call a second time and the receptionist was quite terse with me. I eventually got an intake person who listened to my entire story before telling me they couldn’t help me, didn’t say why, but told me I should report her to the state medical board. Yeah, a slap on the wrist will do wonders… It sure in the fuck won’t help me pay the huge hospital bill, will it…? The third, again, made me waste my time by telling my entire story before telling me they couldn’t help me, but she at least told me it was because these were all known side effects of the medicine and suggested I report her to the state medical board or keep calling lawyers…

And so I feel like everything and everyone is completely and utterly fucked… I feel like I’ve developed a severe case of PTSD from this entire experience. Worse, it’s as if my PTSD has PTSD… I don’t feel like I can trust any fucking body with any fucking thing any fucking more…

And so i’m venting to you, dear readers, because I don’t know what else to do. I literally want to go on the warpath and start punching everyone I encounter, but that will simply land me in jail and what will that accomplish? Well… I suppose it would help me release some of the rage, the feelings of betrayal, that I’ve been feeling. Will I feel better in the long run? I know you’re all out there saying no, but in reality it probably would, at least for a short while.

At this point I think it’s time I admit defeat… There aren’t going to be any lawyers that will help me sue this negligent doctor for any reason. It’s almost as if they have each other’s backs somehow. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, but it’s all bullshit and we know it. Still, after getting rejected this many times. I think it’s safe to sat there isn’t a lawyer arming that’s going to be willing to take on my case because they’ll think I knew what I was in for when I honestly didn’t. I seriously didn’t even know the name of the stuff until she went to get the vial out of the box. And I still have to ask her what the fuck it was called. For all I knew, she could have been injecting me with some sort of toxic fluid. But I still have so many questions and literally no answers from anyone. Hell, even the doctors and nurses in the hospital didn’t know what the fuck this stuff was I got in jetted with… And the statute of limitations had been exceeded, so I can’t jump onto the bandwagon of the civil lawsuit against them… Yippie…

And my birthday is in 2 months (from today). I’m turning 50 this year… Ugh… That’s adding insult to injury, isn’t it? I wasn’t going to do anything, but I’ve been saving up some money and I think I just may throw myself a party for the hell of it. My neighbor is a deejay, I’ll see if I can get a discount. I’ll have people bring a dish and we’ll party retro style. And I’ll get myself a bottle of Moët & Chandon and enjoy a $50 bottle of champagne for my 50th birthday. Why the hell not… I guess we’ll wait and see…