Didja Miss Me…?

No, you didn’t… I didn’t miss me, either, so it’s okay. Seriously, I didn’t… My life has been like living in the seventh circle of Hell for about eight months, now, getting progressively worse as time went on. Now I feel like everything is completely fucked… That’s probably because it actually is completely fucked… My stress and anxiety levels have been through the roof and climbing higher all the time. My days consisted of losing myself in the novel I’ve been working on for a few hours (until my eyes got too tired), then I’d play my Animal Crossing game for a bit and the rest of the day consisted of me on the sofa binge watching whatever movies and shows I could watch for free on my Fire Stick and either taking a long afternoon nap or falling asleep mad early on the sofa. I was falling apart… So one particularly beautiful Sunday at the end of May, I decided to take my furry bestie for a walk in the park and have a much needed nature day…

Do you love these ugly leggings my mom got me?

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t take Miko as well as Baxter… Well, Miko will be 13 in November and she’s showing her age pretty badly. A hike isn’t good for her. Plus she hates water. I can’t even get her to go in the shallow creek in my backyard. Baxter, on the other hand, is just like his mommy and just loves to dopp around in the creek no matter how cold the water is. That’s how I’ve always been; it’s very rejuvenating. And the creek in this park gets so deep you can actually swim in it! I wasn’t taking the dog that hates water and wouldn’t be able to hike very far without getting tired or be able to make it up mild inclines because of her arthritis. Even my arthritis was screaming, “Oh hell no!” on mild inclines. I only walk one side of the park anymore because the other side is rather steep and it causes me a great deal of pain to walk it anymore. As it was, Baxter had an issue with all the walking due to his weight. He got a little fat… so he had a difficult time doing a mile walk.

I blame my mother for his fatness… She comes up every Friday and, like most grandmothers do for grandpuppies, she was giving them one of every single type of treat she’d buy for them! There must be a dozen bags of treats in my dining room and they got one of each. Then my cat, Sebastian, started feeling left out and started looking for treats, so now he gets kitty treats! Well… Baxter was gimping for a few days fairly badly after our hike, so I had him weighed and found out he was 42 pounds! Needless to say, I spoke to the vet about a diet and had to tell my mother about cutting back on those puppy treats… How could she not see he was getting fat?! I’d been calling him “Fatster” every time he tried to jump on the loveseat with her and couldn’t quite make it or would huff and puff for no reason. I mentioned quite often that he was getting fat, but she kept on shoving treats down his throat. Well, no more…

Ugh, enough of my ugly mug with my funky pants (although I do like my new haircut). Baxter is a cute subject… All in all, I think he really enjoyed his day in the park. Although I did have a hard time keeping him out of the water on our way out. He wanted to go back in so badly, but he was almost dry (albeit still smelling funky) and I couldn’t out a sopping wet dog in the car and didn’t have time to wait for him to dry. Poor guy… I promised him next time I’ll buy a bathing suit and we’ll go in deeper and go swimming. I’m not sure how he’ll like that. I think he was a little afraid of the really deep water, but if I go with I think he’ll be okay. And hopefully he’ll have lost weight by then and have no stamina. We were almost back at the parking lot when he sat down on the trail and looked at me like, “Nope…” I had the worst time getting him moving again and I wasn’t carrying him because he’s heavy. Still, I think we both needed the nature day and it did us good.

I think I need more of those nature days, honestly… And if the insurance didn’t decided to stop covering my good allergy pills that work and tell me to take over the counter shit I’ve tried before that’s never worked, I would…

It was a temporary fix… I felt good for a day or two, then I was back to my stressed out, anxiety ridden self again. To make matters worse, I had to go get a deep cleaning and root scaling done at the dentist because I have early stage gum disease. Lovely… It’s been over a month and my bottom teeth still hurt from all that picking! Then I developed another hole in my bottom gum (I had one before) and apparently it was the same hole, it just didn’t heal right. You never want to hear the dentist say, “Hand me that small blade…” Um… And what the fuck are you planning to do with that exactly? When she said she was going to cut my gum, I was like, “You’re going to do what now?!” All this with only a topical… It hurt… It was unpleasant… But my gum healed correctly, now, and the hole is gone.

The dentist thing is really just a small, “Jesus fucking Christ, what’s next?!” in a long line of cluster fucks lately…

It’s funny… Just when you get your shit together and things start falling into place and you’re in a better position (financially, emotionally or what have you), life turns on you and dry fucks you up the ass with a cactus. Or that’s how it seems to work for some of us, especially me. Sometimes I feel I can’t catch a break. Or that if I get too optimistic and think things will be okay, now, that’s when disaster inevitably strikes. That’s why I’m a pessimist. I know a lot of people don’t like that about me. They’re always telling me bad things happen because I don’t “think positive”. Yeah, well… I’ve tired the “thinking positive” thing and it’s made the backfiring so much worse. I’m better off being pessimistic. That way, when bad things happen, I’m prepared and not at all surprised. And sometimes good things happen, in which case I’m pleasantly surprised. So it works for me. Positive thinking has only caused me heartache and disappointment and, on occasion, has brought about disaster. No thanks… I think I’ll stay the “Negative Nellie” in situations. It’s safer that way…

I’m trying to get myself out of this funk with a little positive reinforcement, but it’s so hard… Sometimes you just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can’t say Morticia is any help… That’s a shocker, haha! Has she ever been any help to me?! Those of you who have followed me for a while know she hasn’t been. She’s like an energy vampire. What little anyone has, she just sucks it right out of them! No wonder I feel so drained… She has a million different problems at any one given time. The question is, how many are in her head, how many are of her own doing and how many are real problems? With her, it’s hard to tell… And if she’s not calling me to cry about something, she’s calling because she’s pissed off about a situation and tells me what she’s going to say to the person or people who pissed her off. The thing is, she never does. She talks a good game, but she never follows through and actually says these things she wants to. And when things need to get done, like calling doctors to make appointments because she needs checkups for chronic conditions, taking meds she knows she needs to stay alive or contacting lawyers when she gets hurt at work and the company is fucking her out of workman’s comp (her latest issue), she never takes my advice even if she knows she should and keeps crying to me…

So I’ve been trying to spend my time immersing myself in my writing to try and escape from everything going on around me… The bad part is that I’ve grown so close to my characters that I often find it hard to separate from them sometimes and their pain and strife becomes my own. And often times I don’t realize it until it’s to the point that I’m really becoming depressed, stressed or just wanting to break down and cry before I see what’s going on. Hence the reason I’m writing a blog entry right now instead of working. It was starting to get to me emotionally and I had to step back away from it for a moment.

Not that I really get much time to work anyway… I thought getting these new glasses so I could see the midpoint better would help, but I’m finding my eyes feel more strained and tired. Not only that, but Morticia knows what time of the day I write (or draw as the case may be) and she seems to think that’s the perfect time to call or something. She’ll ask what I’m doing and I’ll tell her flat out I was on a roll writing and she’ll ignore that and start crying about some thing. What is that shit?! You think that just because I’m drawing or writing that it isn’t work?! Yeah, a lot of people think that… Just because you’re creative doesn’t mean that what you do isn’t hard work. In fact, it’s probably the hardest work there is… especially because you are always your own worst critic.

Marshal and I listening to a K.K. Slider concert

The rest of my time I’ve spent binge watching programs and movies on my Fire Stick or playing Animal Crossing… I know that sounds silly, but it’s nice when the worst problem someone approaches me with is, “I’ve been trying to catch a ladybug all day and I just can’t seem to do it,” (so I go catch them one) or “I had a fight with so and so, I told them their shirt looked stupid, now they’re mad at me. I got them a gift to say I’m sorry, but I’m too embarrassed to give it to them,” (so I offer to deliver it if they don’t ask me to). And when they get the presents, sometimes it’s clothing they don’t seem to like, they ask if they should try it on, I say yes and when they ask how they look, I say yes, even though they look like a dork. And they don’t know any better because my face never changes. Sweet… I can lie to spare feelings an I don’t have to put forth the effort of wearing the happy face because it’s already there. And sometimes you get really cute, random moments when one of your favorite villagers is wearing the shirt you bought him and you’re both listening to a K.K. Slider song holding color changing glow sticks (which, by the way, I found out you can wave while the performance is going on and I may spam you with those pictures another time, muahahahaaa). It’s just a nice, relaxing escape from reality I desperately need…

Of course I make this all sound like paradise… But if all of this had to be done in reality as it had to be done in the game, you’d have a broken back from all the terraforming you’d have to do to get the island to look the way you want and from carrying large pieces of furniture in your fucking pockets. You’d also have to work your fucking ass off to make enough currency to pay for all the shit in the game. Each time you pay for an upgrade to your house, the amount gets higher and higher. So in order to max out the size of your house and pay it off cost a whopping 5,696,000 bells (the game’s currency) which you can pay back at your leisure. My home is completely paid and I have two others that are maxed and need the final payment made as well as three other houses with 4 rooms (which means I spent a fuck ton). That’s not counting the money you spend on bridges and inclines. This particular bridge costs 228,000, the inclines I used cost 168,000… It cost 10,000 to demolish one as well as move a home or building. So you can imagine how much currency you need to earn in order to play this game. It’s insane!

I think we should all be grateful real life isn’t so pricey for a small home and construction. Then again, we don’t dig up fossils and get money for them every day and no one pays us a shit ton of money for fish a bugs. No one is going to pay you $15,000 for a Dorado, but that’s how many bells you get for one. So the economy kind of works, I suppose…

I’ve Got Some Bad News For You, Sunshine…

Aside from the fact that I totally ripped off some Pink Floyd lyrics for the title… No, the bad news is that there is a lower state than rock bottom, dear readers. And I have officially reached it.

Lately my mood has been “falling for all eternity in a bottomless pit of depression”. I suppose that’s why I’ve been obsessively listening to one particular song by Genesis keyboardist, Tony Banks, one of his solo works. I hate calling him a keyboardist when he’s more of a pianist, really… And a true artist. The song, “For A While“, is beautiful in a melancholy way. The entire first verse is so sad, in particular the last few lines: “I may be back someday, But the people and things will change, And no one will remember me then.” I think we’ve all felt like that at some point in our lives, like picking up and leaving. And we know that, if we ever return, the people, the area, the things in the area, will all have changed and no one will remember you or that you were ever part of that world.

Just some highlights of my video game birthday…

So… as I said in my last entry, I had a birthday coming up. Not one I particularly wanted to celebrate, either. No one jumps up and down for joy, “Yeah! I’m almost a half century old! Next year I qualify for AARP! Woo-hoo!” Yeah… no one does that… Maybe weirdos do, but I wasn’t.

And things were going so badly… The only two people I still had that were willing to go see strippers with me for my birthday ditched me last minute. My mother played the triple bypass card, claiming it might not be good for her to go to something like that, considering. Listen, if they cleared you to return to work (I’m assuming that also means she was cleared for other “physical” activities I don’t want to think about) then I’m sure you’re fine to see strippers. She suggested I go next year. So I guess she wasn’t listening the first hundred times I said I wasn’t celebrating anymore after this year, hence the reason I wanted to do something big and radical. So I mentioned this to my supposed best friend, M&M, who reacted by texting me back, “Maybe it’s just as well.” What in the blue fuck is that supposed to mean?! So the only two people I thought cared enough to celebrate with me ditched me…

My birthday buddy Baxter didn’t ditch me…

Oh look… I’m actually sharing pictures of my ugly mug (excuse the spring cleaning mess in the background). Believe it or not, the only filter on this picture is teeth whitening (my front teeth are very thin and look bad in pictures). Not bad for 49, huh?

Every year since I’ve gotten Baxter (he turned 3 on the 12th) I’ve done this funny hat thing. Except this year he kept trying to eat his hat… But he’s helped me a lot. Before I got him, I used to cry a lot before my birthday because I missed my friend Michele, my friend whose birthday was the day before mine. Having a new birthday buddy whose birthday is four days after mine helps me not cry and miss her so much. I still wish her a happy birthday on the 7th and I still cry a little, but it’s not as bad. But this year… I cried a lot. I think it’s because everything was going wrong, I was feeling friendless and unloved… And I had received bad news about one of my friends the day before my birthday. He’s gay and, sadly, HIV positive. And even though the asshole knowingly infected him, my friend is so full of life. He’s like a warm ray of sunlight shining on your face. And the day before my birthday I learned he has throat and stomach cancer. I cried like a baby. I can’t lose him. We’re like each other’s sunshine…

Sounds like my birthday was really sucking ass this year, doesn’t it? Well… it was. In fact, the morning of my birthday, I went on my Animal Crossing game, knowing full well what was going to happen and dreading it (see the first set of goofy pictures). This is the third year, now, that I’ve been abducted by one of my villagers and forcibly taken to their home where two other villagers waited so they could scream “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” in my face. They tell me how surprised I looked (I didn’t), how long they’d been planning it, blah blah… Then I need to blow out the candles on the cake, they give me a present, then I need to beat the fuck out of a piñata until it breaks and cupcakes fall out. I get the cupcakes which I can give to other villagers and get presents… So when all that’s over, they all dance and prance around happily, dressed in their best, to the absolute worst song in the entire game (I hate “K.K. Birthday”, it’s annoying). And yet… since all my plans had fallen to shit, as they always do no matter if it’s me or someone else planning it (It’s just because it’s for me that it all goes to shit), I decided to make my character ditty-bop and watched my party. I was so depressed that I watched my video game party for ten minutes. You don’t get more depressed than that…

In all honesty, all I’ve ever really wanted out of any birthday party were some balloons and streamers, a cake, maybe some music, maybe a few presents… and to have people there who actually give a fuck that I live and breathe on this planet. I actually got upset about this one day and cried about this the day before my birthday, which gave the person who heard me the idea to have balloons set up at the local diner and an ice cream cake for dessert. It was nice… The staff actually sang to me. But the best part? The only numeral candle on it was a 9 so no one would know how old I was. That was truly a gift! The downside… My mother and her sponge were there. She spent the entire time staring off into space as if she’d rather not be there and the sponge, as usual, spoke nicely to everyone but me.

Even after rearranging my shelves, they still bow…

At least I did get some nice gifts… My mother bought me leggings (which she bought the morning of my birthday and sent me pictures from Walmart to see which I liked best), a stuffed llama and lemur (two of my favorites), a set of AirPods (the person didn’t know I already had a pair and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, they were so excited about their gift) and I also got the two other Gatchaman Pop! figures I needed. Ken actually came in a protective case, which made the other two look bad, but thankfully I had cases to put them in. This is only a temporary home for them, however…

You can see why it’s a temporary home… I had to take the picture this way so it was long enough to use for a paragraph next to it. Sadly, you get to see the weird shit on my bookshelves and not the things people with an ounce of brain read. Well… One of the books was written by my author friend Jane. The ones by the Japanese authors are… They’re really fucking dark! Yes, I like The Thorn Birds and I liked the mini series (shut up) as well as Nine Perfect Strangers. What you don’t see is what’s behind and under it, like The Divine Comedy, The Iliad, The Odyssey…

Punchy’s birthday, scaring Zipper and coffee with the Able Sisters

More random gameplay… The 11th was my favorite, Punchy’s, birthday (the same day as my childhood cat), me trying to scare the creepy ass Easter Bunny, Zipper (Mint decided to join in the fun) and having coffee with the three Able Sisters.

Anyway… the day after my birthday was the night we were all supposed to go see strippers. I texted M&M that morning to see if she was coming to pay a visit since, hey, she was supposed to be hanging with me anyway. Imagine my surprise when she told me that she “had plans”. Um… yeah, I thought you had plans with me. But then I remembered her mom couldn’t come because her brother-in-law was coming with his new wife a few days prior. So I asked if she’d gotten roped into sticking around to hang out with them. She said no, they weren’t coming until the following week. I was puzzled and said I thought they were coming that week which is why her mom couldn’t come with us. It took her an awfully long time to text me back the short response that they were suppose to come, but they couldn’t find a kennel to board their dog so they were coming the following week. She never did tell me what her “plans” were, but she made it sound as if it were something unpleasant. Either way, I was ditched twice. Some best friend… I haven’t heard from her since and that was over two weeks ago. Yeah, I see where I rate here…

Okay, we need a laughter break… This is what happens if you keep approaching the creepy Easter Bunny, Zipper, in Animal Crossing from behind. In the last picture he actually got pissed, which I actually did find quite funny! Hence the reason Mint and I were goofing behind his back in that earlier picture…

So to add insult to injury to everything that had happened, the “friend” I wrote about in my last entry, the one who responded to my invite with, “I’ll go because it’s your birthday and you asked me to” recently sent me an invite to her parents’ 50th anniversary party she’s throwing for them. Now, her parents were always more like parents to me than my own. But… she ditched me when I made plans for my birthday. Why would I want your plans to go the way you want them to? And I’ve known for a long time, I only get invited because, “you make the best deviled eggs”, then she spends the entire party blatantly treating me as if she doesn’t want me there, doesn’t care what I think or have to say. Sorry, the Queen of Deviled Eggs is renouncing her throne. I’m done.. Besides, neither her nor her mom wished me a happy birthday, so I don’t care right now. Maybe I’ll respond with, “I’ll come because it’s their anniversary and you asked me to…”

Meet Sven, my free seedling, doing my part for Earth Day

That may sound petty, but I really don’t give a fuck right now… I’m so tired of having to consider everyone else’s feelings and not having mine considered at all. So if I want to be petty and be an asshole, not trust that even my best friend is truly that anymore, then that’s what I need to do right now. My mental health is so much more important. If I need to cut out every toxic ass fuck from my life, then I guess that’s what I have to do. I have to do it for myself…

In other news… This is Sven, my Norwegian Pine seedling they were giving away for free on Earth day at the grocery store (why this is a thing, I don’t know, but they did it). The stupid thing is that the directions, or Tree Planting For Dummies, tells you to dig a certain sized hole, make sure it’s moist, yada yada… But you can’t. Look at this little thing! It looks like someone broke off the end of a branch and stuck it in dirt! Now, I found a maple seedling that had started growing in a bad spot under my heating and cooling unit, so I replanted it in the yard and it’s now a huge sapling, but that’s a maple! Maples are really hearty and will grow any fucking where! Pines are delicate! You stick something like this in the ground with no protection, it’s as good as dead. So I decided to put it in a pot until it at least looks more like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. It needs better established roots before I feel comfortable planting it and even then it’s iffy at best.

And I suppose I wanted to show my age on my birthday or something… I don’t do traditional drawings often, but I felt like doing one and did this very early 80s girl. I liked her, so I thought I’d break out my Prismacolor sticks and give her some color as well. Yes, dear readers who aren’t old enough to remember, we actually dressed like this! Oh, the humanity! Yup, neon colors, jelly bracelets (and shoes), oversized sweatshirts hanging off one shoulder or shaker sweaters and so much Aqua Net that we were personally responsible for the hole in the ozone layer getting as big as it is now. I drew this on my actual birthday while I listened to my 80s playlist, feeling incredibly old as I realized, “Jesus Christ, this song is 39 years old!” And I could remember the first time I heard it like it came out yesterday… That’s a realization I never wanted to have…

I think I’ll close today with some cuteness… I happened to catch Punchy playing airplane in front of the café one day and took a video. This is one of the reasons I love him so much. He’s just so free and innocent, just living life with a childlike quality that we all seem to lose and forget about when faced with life’s stresses and responsibilities. Maybe we should all take a lesson from Punchy. Now go do airplane runs and smile happily…

My Life As A Dramedy…

Don’t tell anyone… I actually like this song…

My birthday is Friday… I turn 49 this year… meaning this will be the last birthday I plan to celebrate because I’m not going to celebrate turning a half-century old. Sorry…

Every year on my friends’/family members’ birthdays, I always send them the link to this annoying ass song, “Happy Birthday” by Altered Images (it scares me to say I was 8 when this song came out). I actually like this song a lot, stupidly enough. But… when it’s my birthday… no one sends me the link to this annoying ass song. Sometimes my mother forgets it’s my birthday until late in the day (and proceeds to tell me she almost forgot), my sister never texts or calls me… In fact M&M is the only person who gives a fuck. Which is why my plans for my big day are off…

I hadn’t heard back from anyone aside from M&M and my mother about going to see those male strippers for my birthday, so I sent out texts to everyone I’d invited. One still hasn’t gotten back to me, one was in the hospital and hadn’t been at work for three weeks (which I knew she hadn’t been there) and couldn’t go because money was tight with her being out. Understandable and excusable, plus I knew she really wanted to go. My sister never got back to me, but in all fairness, there was the possibility she would have to leave at a moment’s notice for her job and she had no idea when. But what was the worst was my “friend” of 33 years who responded with, “I’ll go because you asked me to and it’s your birthday.” Wow… Don’t hold back; tell me how you really feel. So I told her she didn’t have to go if she was uncomfortable, to which she replied if that was what I wanted, she’d go. I repeated again that she didn’t have to go if it made her uncomfortable, no biggie. But I think she knew it was a big deal. So then she said, “Tell you what, I’ll take you out to Ichiban for lunch (my favorite restaurant), my treat.” Um… if you’re taking me to lunch, isn’t it generally understood it’s your treat…? “Hey, how about I take you to lunch? You’re paying for yourself, bitch.” Yeah, no… It doesn’t work that way. Besides, I don’t want her fucking pity lunch. She doesn’t give a fuck about my birthday otherwise any other year…

You know, after so many years of friendship, you’d think she could at least fucking keep her mouth shut and pretend to be okay for my sake. But no… she actually told me she felt more comfortable with dinner that loud music and naked men (they’re not totally naked). So you couldn’t shut up and suck it up for my birthday, the last one I plan to celebrate? Do you know how many times I sucked it the fuck up and went to her parties where she treated me like shit, like I didn’t belong there or she didn’t want me there? Parties where she acted annoyed that I was in her presence, knowing full well that the only reason she even invited me was because she wanted me to bring deviled fucking eggs?! She once told me I made the best deviled eggs… Yeah, it’s not a secret. I add a bit of dill pickle juice to the yolk mixture and use Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise… It didn’t take long to figure out why I was being invited. Hell, I once boiled four dozen eggs for one of her parties, 96 deviled fucking eggs! I sucked it up and pretended to have fun.

Why do all these depict my sad ass birthdays so well?!

Honestly, I’ve never had a good birthday or a real party. And anytime anyone, including me, has tired to have a party or a night out to celebrate, it turns to shit, every fucking time! And people wonder why I’m pessimistic… Gee, I don’t know… Maybe it’s because 49 failed birthdays, 49 disappointments as well as all the other disappointments life has thrown my way has taught me something. Don’t have a bubble… Don’t get excited or even slightly hopeful because, if you do, something will pop that bubble you have in a heartbeat.

So I was feeling sorry for myself and wanting to sleep through my birthday, even though M&M and my mother said we should go anyway and were suggesting alternate ideas as well that I might like. My mother suggested the casino, she’s never been there. Yeah… I have and I didn’t have a lot of fun. I’m not a gambler, so it’s not really my thing. M&M suggested a panic room. You want to take someone with uncontrolled anxiety to a panic room?! I’m not even going to ask… Plus my mother had a triple bypass, maybe not a great idea. Turns out my mother fessed up and told me that she didn’t think going to see the strippers was a good idea, either, because of her heart. Well… nice to tell me a week before…

So at this point I’m feeling kind of betrayed, unloved and very sorry for myself. Seriously, you guys can’t pretend to have a good time for me? I recall going to a concert with M&M to see a group I despised because she had no one to go with (and actually enjoyed myself) and did god knows how many things with my mother that I hated because she asked me to go… You care so little for me you can’t do this one thing for me and not tell me how you really feel and pretend to have fun? I was so looking forward to this… I even bought a light up tiara to wear so they’d all know it was my birthday to get a little more notice. It’s all a moot point now…

So this weekend I did what any good bipolar person does when they’re feeling completely unloved and so sorry for themselves that they just want to disappear off the face of the planet… I went to the outlet shops and spent money I should have spent on more important things and bought myself some really nice things for my birthday that made me feel really good. Or at least they have for now… The downside of the bipolar shopping excursion: the high of all the stuff you bought to fill the void only lasts so long. When it wears off, you feel like shit all over again because the original feeling is still there, plus you overspent.

As you can see, I did a bad thing… I went to the Coach outlet… I actually haven’t bought a Coach purse in some time for a few reasons. One was because it got to the point that they weren’t such a rarity anymore and everyone was sporting a Coach purse. Second was that the prices began to get ludicrously high and three was that they began getting quite ugly or oddly shaped. But I still kept looking at the new arrivals when I got emails to see the new ugly… That’s when I saw the beauty up above. But it was so expensive, I just sighed and forgot about it. Or I did until I was at the outlet… It was the only one there in those colors in that size, the very purse I had been eyeing up so long ago, sitting under the 50% off sign. And I was in love… Still, I couldn’t justify spending so much. So I made another lap around the store, which is when I picked up the bangle with the C on it in the picture (which was 60% off) and ended up back at that purse. I couldn’t help myself. It was the exact one I wanted, the only one there as if it were waiting just for me, just to make my birthday less awful. Fuck it… So I grabbed the purse and took it and the bangle up to pay. Surprisingly, it rang up a lot cheaper than 50% off. Not only that, but when the girl asked for my date of birth and I told her, she said, “Oh, that’s in a few days! I’ll give you your birthday discount now,” and I got an extra 10% off! I saved almost $400! How awesome is that?!

Yeah, I indulged the funky watch fetish, too…

I know what you’re thinking… “That’s not awesome! How high was your bill that you saved almost $400, for fuck’s sake?!” Yeah, well… it would have been over $600, let’s just say that. So it was a deal, believe me.

Anyway… I also went to the Guess outlet. I’m not really sure it’s what you would consider an “outlet” to be honest. Everything in it seems just as pricey as in the fucking stores! Seriously! I mean, I always thought the whole concept of outlet stores was that they were supposed to be cheaper than the regular stores, but… Yeah, not at Guess… So I severely overpaid for two tank tops, bought a cheap $10 bracelet (you can see it in the above picture, the one with the big dangling heart) and this funky ass watch because, you know, I have a watch fetish. Actually, the watch wasn’t too bad. I mean, it’s a watch. $60 for a watch isn’t anything unusual. You pay more for a Swatch and they’re actually rather plain nowadays or just flat out fucking ugly. Hell, I paid more than $60 for a Betsy Johnson watch that I loved and I thought the battery was dead but nope, it’s the whole watch (I was devastated). Or you could pay several hundred for a really good watch, like my Bulova, then have the crystal get scratched and be afraid to keep wearing it because you can’t afford to replace a crystal on such an expensive watch. So yeah… I’ll stick with this.

But not everything on my “shop till you drop” trip was expensive. I’m not that nuts or high maintenance… I went into this store where all the clothes were $8! And I did need some new ones as I had lost weight and even more with all this stress I’ve been under, so I went in. The downside is that their clothes seem on the really small side. I got an extra large, long sleeved hooded shirt that I’m not sure will come down long enough (the curse of big old stripper titties) and a pair of funky leggings that look like jeans printed with flowers. I’m worried about those. The waist still seems so small and I got an extra large for the length! We sell see…

I also got this awesome guy! He’s a Squishable, one of many that I have. I happened to see they had a candy store and, while I’m not fond of candy, I usually take a look to see if they have old time candy I always liked that I can’t find anywhere. The first thing in the store were stuffed animals, mostly this brand. The plague doctor, here, was one I was wanting to get for a very long time because he just seemed very cool and macabre. I had to have him! But I never bought one. So when I saw him in the store, I thought, “Today’s the day I buy him, that’s it.” So I did! I also bought two bottles of lychee flavored Ramune soda and a tin that said “Mary Jane’s Candy Joints” on the front and is filled with candy cigarettes! I found that rather comical! Plus I like candy cigarettes…

However, even after all that, I’m still feeling sad about my birthday… I really didn’t want to celebrate more after this one because the next one is a milestone I don’t understand why anyone would want to celebrate hitting it. “Woo-hoo! I’ve managed to live a half a century! Let’s party!” No… What the fuck is wrong with you…? I heard Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” playing in a restaurant the other day and I took a guess at what year it came out. Sadly, I was correct. Even more sad, I did the math and realized it was 35 years ago. Most sad of all… it feels like it came out yesterday. I felt so old… And all I wanted was one last hurrah, yet no one give enough of a fuck. For the first time in almost three years, I cried… I used to cry a lot when my birthday came because I missed my friend Michele. Her birthday was the day before mine, we both hated celebrating our special days, hated people making a fuss… We were allowed to wish each other a happy birthday, though. One year she even gave me a beautiful gift. When she passed away. I cried every year because the one present I truly wanted, I could never, ever have. But, when I got Baxter, I didn’t feel so sad anymore. His birthday is four days after mine. So I buy us funny hats and take pictures. It’s helped a lot. But with all this going on, I actually cried for the first time since I brought his fluffy butt home. That’s not good… I thought I was feeling better about Michele not being here. I still miss her, but I wasn’t crying anymore. It’s just this lack of caring that hurt…

So screw it… I created this little scene and threw myself a fucking party. Literally… I had music playing (which you can listen to here) that I have playing in my house currently in the game. It’s very funky and retro 70s sounding… I had cake, piles of presents, drinks, balloons, fireworks outside… And everyone was having a great time (even Sherb who was doing nothing more than staring at the cakes). I’ve always wanted a really fun party where everyone had a blast.

And, every year, if you play on your birthday, as soon as you go on, one of your villagers accosts you as soon as the game starts and takes you to their house for a surprise party. My first year it was Poncho (who is no longer with us), last year it was Audie (the orange wolf). I’m almost afraid to see who it is this year… And it’s sad that video game animals give more of a fuck about me than real people do… I shouldn’t bitch. At least they fucking do, right…?

What Happens In Vegas…

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so the saying goes. I don’t know… I was there in 1997 to see my friend get married to the world’s biggest asshole and, if my memory was good enough to remember more details, I’d tell you everything because it wasn’t terribly exciting. I’m not a gambler or a heavy drinker. Mostly we did sight seeing and toured hotels to see their themes. Whoopee…

But we’re not going to talk about Vegas… We’re going to talk about what happens when you’re not feeling well, lying on the sofa and binge watching movies… Well, it doesn’t stay on the sofa. Not in this case, anyway. No, dear readers, it ends up in a random blog written by yours truly. And the reason for that is simply this: I’ve seen some pretty fucked up movies in my day, a penchant me and my friend M&M have, but this movie takes the prize for most fucked up ever…

The poster makes it look so sweet and innocent…

I am, of course, talking about the 2012 Icelandic film Lamb. M&M sent me that link for the trailer and, when I was done watching it, I simply texted her, “Wtf did I just watch?!” Seriously, watch that trailer and try not to say that out loud. You won’t succeed… And as if it wasn’t odd enough, choosing The Beach Boy’s “God Only Knows” made it downright creepy as fuck and incredibly disturbing. Of course, M&M replied, “We have to watch this!” Well of course we did! She and I are movie buffs and the stranger the movie seems, the more intrigued we are to watch the thing. Lamb was one we couldn’t pass up…

I had actually forgotten all about this movie until I saw Amazon was showing it on my Fire Stick. Well… what was I going to do, not watch a movie that looked so incredibly fucked up that I just had to know what the fuck I had watched in the trailer? Hell no! I was going to watch it! So I did… and spent the entire time saying, “What the fuck did I just watch?!” and at the very end saying, “Seriously, what the fuck did I just watch?!?”

Spoiler Warning for those who don’t want to know and want to watch for themselves. Stop reading…

The story follows the life of a couple, Maria and Ingvar, who own a sheep ranch in the middle of bumble fuck Iceland (there seems to be a lot of bumble fuck Iceland). The story begins on Christmas (or Christmas Eve) when we see the sheep watching as one of the other sheep seems to be having some sort of issue and Maria looking out the window towards the barn as the sheep are a bit noisy. Personally, I thought the poor sheep was going to die… Anyway, fast forward to a greener time of year and Maria and Ingvar are working the land and helping the ewes birth the lambs. We also get to see that their relationship is more than a little strained. They rarely speak, even to each other, and we can see Maria is the most melancholy person you’ve ever met. Of course what does she really have to be happy about? Bumble fuck Iceland and sheep…

Are we seeing something odd about this poster?

Anyway… The sheep in the beginning who looked like it was dying wasn’t, but she’s largely and uncomfortably pregnant. Maria and Ingvar have to help her deliver and, when they do, they both have shocked expressions, yet Ingvar looks a bit horrified. Eventually, Maria wraps the lamb in a blanket, takes it in the house and puts it in a metal tub full of blankets. She feeds it with a bottle, leading you to believe perhaps it’s a runt. But then we see Maria holding it and coddling it like a baby, smiling and happy… And then Ingvar brings a crib out of storage from the barn and puts it in their bedroom for the lamb to sleep in. Okay, so now you’re getting the idea. Maria obviously had a baby, it died and she’s taking care of this lamb as if it were a baby to fill the void. Or you think that until you see a blurry vision of something standing in the crib and you say, “What the fuck did I just watch?!” And all the while, mother ewe is constantly standing outside the bedroom window, bleating away as if telling Maria and Ingvar to give her her baby back. This is just the beginning of the weirdness that is Lamb…

In case you wanted to see a lamb’s eye up close…

One day Maria goes out to do chores and asks Ingvar to stay inside and watch “her” (our first indication the lamb is a female). He lays her down on the sofa for a nap and goes out into the garage to do some work (great parenting, there). When Maria returns, the front door is wide open and the lamb is gone. They check the house then run outside calling for Ada (the first time we hear her name). Unsurprisingly, she’s with mother ewe… The couple go to collect Ada and when they pick her up to wrap her in Ingvar’s coat, we see she has the head of a lamb, part of her chest and one arm are that of a lamb, but the rest are human. Again, “What the fuck did I just watch?!” This was followed by me saying, “Oh my god, the husband was fucking the sheep!!!” I’m sorry, at that point, what else could you think?! Anyway, they take Ada home and put her in some footie pajamas (why they never put clothing on her before, I don’t know) and get her all warm and snug. And I’m just baffled…

Fast forward a bit… Ingvar’s dead beat brother, Pétur, comes to work on the farm. He arrives late at night, so he just sleeps in the barn and wakes early, just in time to see Maria’s cheese slide off her cracker as she finally gets fed up with mother ewe wanting her baby back, drags her off, shoots her and buries the carcass. Odd, but he just blows it off. When it’s late enough in the morning, he knocks on the door, Ingvar invites him in and they sit down to have breakfast… and Ada joins them. Obviously Pétur is probably thinking the same thing, his brother is thinking the same thing, his brother has been fucking the sheep. When he does confront Ingvar about what’s going on, Invar’s only response is, “Happiness…” Pétur tries convincing him it’s an animal, not a human (in some cruel ways) and even takes Ada out to shoot her (which was a really tense moment), but he can’t do it. Eventually he accepts his “niece” for what she is and all seems happy.

Or it is until the adults get drunk… Ingvar gets hammered and goes into the bedroom to pass out with Ada at his side. While he’s sleeping one off, Pétur is making passes at Maria, which she’s not into. So he tries to blackmail her by saying, “Does Ada know you killed her mother?” Maria pretends to give in, but pushes Pétur into a room and locks him in for a while to sober up. Once he has, she tells him he has to leave. She gets money and takes him to the bus stop. While they’re gone, Ingvar gets up and takes Ada with him to go fix a tractor that had broken down far out on the property. When Maria returns home and begins calling for them, she hears gunshots. Flash over to Ingvar who is bleeding from his neck and chest. Little Ada is looking at him, confused. Then they show who shot him. It’s what can only be called a ram man, at which point I thought, “How long has he been fucking these sheep?!?” The ram man takes Ada’s hand, Ingvar takes the hoof hand, trying to stop him, but he can’t. Ada is led away. Maria finally arrives to find Ada gone and Ingvar dead. She freaks out and cries before standing and closing her eyes. That was how the movie ended.

I’ve read an interview with the creator and, apparently, Ingvar was not fucking the sheep, but then it just makes the appearance of the ram man a bit too random and just tossed in there. I’m not are I’m convinced. The only thing I can say is it was fucked up… And, weird as Ada was, she was really cute. It also makes for some fun now that Easter is nearing and there happen to be a lot of stuffed lambs on the shelves. There are Ada jokes to be had when shopping with friends…

I Need To Pull A Will Smith…

Yeah, I’m going there… I’m sure we’ve all seen the clip, the cluster fuck that was the Oscars when Will Smith literally stormed up on stage and slapped the shit out of Chris Rock for making a joke against his wife and then proceeded to angrily tell him, “Keep my wife’s name out yo’ fucking mouth!” There seem to be a lot of people who aren’t on Will Smith’s side right now because of that… Honestly, I have to give him credit. I mean, the joke was in incredibly poor taste. Jada suffers from alopecia, a form of hair loss. Women are vain about their hair; you don’t joke about that. And I realize she cheated on Will and then tried to justify it by slinging bullshit at him (I saw that video as well) and perhaps he was stupid for forgiving her. But that was his choice. Either way, it’s rare to see a man standing up for his woman in today’s day and age in general, let alone in front of so many people and on a program that was cast worldwide. But he did it, because he loves her and someone hurt her. That’s chivalry, dear readers. It’s just my opinion, but I’m glad to see it’s still alive and well in at least one man on this planet…

It actually makes me a bit jealous that Will Smith can slap a bitch and get away with it and I can’t…

If you’ve been keeping up with my ramblings, you know I’ve been under some heavy duty stress lately (though I’ve chosen to keep most of what’s going on private). Sadly, stress and anxiety do bad things to me, like trigger massive IBS flare-ups. Yeah, I know… To those who don’t suffer from it, you think nothing of it. “So you get the runs or blocked up once in a while, big deal…” I wish that’s all it was… I won’t go into detail and gross anyone out, but it can be very painful and, if you’re like me, very difficult to manage. Fun times… I literally barely ate for over a week because of this flare-up and lost several pounds. Sounds fun, huh? The most solid things I was able to tolerate eating were Goldfish crackers (the plain ones), the pretzels and graham crackers. That’s nutritious… Even drinking liquids turned my stomach to the point of wanting to vomit. How delightful… So yesterday I had to see the GI doctor who, again, told me how hard it is to treat me since my IBS flare-ups seem to go hand in hand with my emotions. I still have no solution…

Two days after the flare-up started, I had to take my mother somewhere that was not in my car, but in a car that I’d only driven once before in a more rural setting. This time I had to drive it in a more urban setting and it was the first time driving with my new glasses that I still wasn’t quite used to yet. So… I was feeling sick to my stomach, bloated, as if my intestines were tied in knots from the lovely IBS flare-up, plus I had all this other stress I was going through. She was well aware that I was not familiar with this car and that I hadn’t yet driven with my new glasses and she knows I hate people telling me how to drive. I don’t fucking tell you how to drive, even when you forget to use your turn signals or run stop signs and I think I’m going to die on a five minute car ride. Shut the fuck up, let me drive! Nope… It was this horrible half hour or so of, “You’re going too fast, you’re following too close for how fast you’re going, you’re hitting the brakes too hard. I already had a heart attack, I don’t want to have another one.” I let out a disgusted snort at that, to which she replied, “I’m serious!’ I glared at her. So was I… I was pissed.

Of course this did nothing to help my lovely flare-up… Thanks, mom… So things got progressively worse until one morning when I was unsure which I was going to do first, use the facilities or throw up in the garbage can.

Granted, I’ve had mild issues since I can remember, but things have gotten much worse since I had gone through the outpatient program at the hospital when I was discharged. I was a hot mess of anxiety and depression (mostly anxiety) and I just wanted it to stop. I won’t say it didn’t work because, to a point, it did. It got the anxiety out of my head and I no longer had heart palpitations. But that was when all the stomach issues and the worst of my IBS began. It’s like they moved the physical anxiety from one place to another. That’s not fixing it, that’s just relocating it. And now it’s back in the other places it came from. Yeah, that really worked…

To top things off in the Seventh Circle of Hell that’s been my life for several months, now, I was almost certain I was going to have to do a memorial post for my old girl, Miko, here…

Late Sunday night, she began to have some weird sort of episode. I definitely knew it wasn’t a seizure… The dog I had prior to her had seizures and was on medication after having a grand mal seizure, so I know what that looks like (scary, in a word). But what happened to Miko was by far more frightening. She became stiff, lost control of her hind legs, lost control of her bladder and bowels. She threw up multiple times, her head was tilted at an odd angle. Her one eye was looking off to one side and was bulging slightly and she was drooling (something Shibas don’t normally do). To me, this showed all the classic signs of a stroke, at least a mini one. So off she went to the emergency vet as they were the only ones open (and insanely expensive) and I was prepared to put her down after an exam. The vet, however, thought it was vestibular disease, a type of vertigo in older dogs, which is treatable. She’s currently home and being treated and she is getting better. Though I’m not convinced there isn’t an underlying issue, which even the vet said a brain tumor could cause this vertigo. I still think it could have been a stroke. But I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. If it doesn’t help, well…

Eventually, all this stress caught up to me and my back has been going into spasm an awful lot kind of randomly and I never know when it’s going to happen. I’ve been spending a lot of time binge watching movies while laying on a heating pad (weird movies, but that’s a post for another time) and I took to Reddit to see what people thought of my Animal Crossing island to see where I could improve things, which I know it needed.

Which is actually a good thing… With this lousy “springter” weather (we had temps in the 20s and snow yesterday during the day) and my back all fucked, it’s not like I can garden. So this was the next best thing. I went landscaping certain parts of my island that desperately needed it. At least my game knows how to change seasons… I think Mother Nature should take a lesson from Nintendo because this weather is all fucked up. Later this week it’s supposed to be near 70! My poor sinuses… They’re so confused…

You know, some people may see this as silly or a kids’ game, but you want to know something? It’s mostly adults who play it. And let’s face it, when you’re having a shitty day or a shitty week or a shitty life and someone asks if you know why they enjoy when you come into their shop to visit and this is the reply you get, it makes things seem a little less shitty, even if it is just a video game hedgehog telling you so. And a little bit of that stress just seems to melt away for that brief moment. If only real people could be so kind…

56 Days And Counting…

Thank god for layered drawing abilities…

You’ll notice I updated my profile picture to have my new glasses… This is why layers are so important in drawings! I just hid the ones for my old glasses and added ones for the new glasses. I really like this drawing and I didn’t want to do a new one for such a trivial change. But I have to say, after drawing my new glasses, this may be the last new profile picture I draw for a very long time. What a pain in the ass! It’s my own fault, really… I can’t ever choose normal looking glasses. I like funky. Is it because I’m an artist? Because I’m a half bubble off center? Who the hell knows. But when I put them on, I just know they’re me. Unfortunately, I never think about the consequences of drawing difficulty…

I truly think this is what all charts should read…

I actually wasn’t planning on writing a blog entry today… I have a lot of stressful things going on right now, the biggest one coming up on Monday. I haven’t been myself lately and have been suffering some nasty, emotional outbursts (mostly angry ones) over stupid things because I’ve been holding things in and it’s been making me physically sick. I have heartburn that makes it feel as if Vesuvius is erupting in my stomach and my poor esophagus has been paying the price. It’s so sore, it feels as if I’ve been drinking lit gasoline every time I try to swallow food. Sounds delightful, doesn’t it? Yeah, I thought so, too…

However, there is a reason for my writing a blog, no matter how random it seems. I now have 56 days left to adjust to my new glasses or it’s trifocals for me… My ass is not that old! Well… It’s getting there, but it’s not trifocal old yet. I think of people in their 70s or 80s when I think of trifocals. I’m not even 49 yet! Yet… I have less than a month to go… In any case, I think I’m getting better with figuring out how I need to look at the world to use my distance and my non-prescription close up part of my progressive bifocals. But the midpoint… I haven’t been working on it much and I couldn’t when I was drawing because I needed them off to reference them. So this is mainly to help me try to adjust. I hope…

Speaking of my old ass birthday… I was at my mother’s house one day and she was showing me some of the things she had been sewing lately when I noticed a shirt strung over a chair. I questioned her and she said it was my sister’s, it needed a new zipper and had been there for about two years. It was black with a beaded front, sleeveless and not my prudent sister’s style at all. I also told my mother she was too fat to fit in it (which she is). So I tired it on and it fit wonderfully except in the bust. So we came up with a solution to that issue and I decided that, since it looked like a clubbing shirt, I knew exactly where I wanted to wear it and for what occasion. There has been something I’ve been wanting to do and have never done, and since I’m turning 49, I decided then and there to do it for my birthday so I could do this before I turned 50 and I wanted her to go. I wanted to go see male strippers. My mother replied simply, “Somehow I knew you were going to say that.” I was rather surprised that she’s on board with this… It’s not like her.

If you want to see a good example of this abuse, watch this movie. It really is phenomenal.

I’ve even conned my prudent sister into going, though I’ve not told her where, exactly… I’ve dropped hints, but she’s still unsure. I’m not telling her or she won’t go and it’s important to me that she does.

But this almost didn’t come to fruition… There was an incident, a fight… Someone close to me flipped shit on me over a totally unrelated issue and had told me that certain people that I thought liked me? They didn’t. They knew the real me because this person had told them what I was really like. They weren’t my friends, no one liked me at this place (which is the local diner I frequent). I was so upset because I had asked two of the waitresses who I thought were my friends to go. After that conversation, I decided to cancel my plans and not to eat at that diner anymore. Was that the wrong choice? Sure. But when the same person has been gaslighting you for years off and on, you can’t help but start believing what they tell you sometimes. And this particular person (a relative) has admitted to saying things specifically to hurt me and, when in a much calmer, non crazy bipolar state, told me to resume my plans, I told them what they had been doing for years was gaslighting me, explained the term and told them to look it up. By definition, that’s exactly what had been going on. This person was causing me to doubt myself as well as relationships with friends and family.

However, my friend M&M pointed out to me that, first of all, don’t ever let anyone think I have no friends. I can imagine that was a bit insulting to her… We’ve been friends since I was 16 and she was 14. That’s over 30 years of being best friends… She also pointed out that I always get like this the closer it gets to my birthday. Admittedly, I do. If I plan something big, it blows up in my face and no one shows except like two people, every fucking time (gee, I wonder why I feel I have no friends). This has gone on my entire life, so I usually just don’t do much. And what’s to celebrate? Getting another year older? “Shorter of breath and one day closer to death” as Pink Floyd says? And every year is just another reminder my friend, my birthday buddy, Michele, whose birthday was the day before mine and hated celebrating as much as I did, is no longer here to try and avoid a celebration as much as me. I miss her terribly… I’m sure that’s playing a part in my foul mood as well lately.

Well, I’ve somehow made it to the end of this blog… I can’t say it was easy because, well… it wasn’t. This is really difficult, trying to figure out where I need to look, how I have to hold my head, in order to look through my glasses correctly to see clearly. And just when I get it perfect, I move my head without realizing and it all goes to shit and I need to find that sweet spot again where I see clearly. 56 days… That’s all the time I have left to get my shit together and have this all become second nature to me. I’m beginning to wonder if this is ever going to happen… Mind you, 56 days may seem like a long time, but when you’re struggling to see (and constantly having to correct typos because of it), it’s not a very long time at all. Plus there’s the whole I can’t fucking see right thing that gets in the way… What a bother… I’m also getting a lot of headaches trying to adjust to this whole thing. I like being able to see my laptop better, but what a pain in the ass this is. Sometimes I think I was better off half blind…

This Is A Test Of My Eyeballs…

Take a good look… Something about this picture will be changing soon. I hope…

Normally, I type and draw on my laptop without my glasses on (as I only needed them for distance) but for the past year I’ve been having issues with my midpoint vision and had to either have my glasses on and my laptop so far away I couldn’t reach the keys or so close I was typing like a T-Rex (“I have a big head and little arms; I just don’t know how well this plan was thought out. Master…?” Ah, my favorite scene from Meet The Robinsons). So I had to get new glasses. What choices… Expensive progressive bifocals or, I shudder to think, trifocals… My great aunt had trifocals. Not what I wanted to hear a month before my 49th birthday. Thanks, doc…

So along with the massive amounts of personal stress I’ve been under since the end of November and feeling like I’m living in the 7th circle of Hell with no chance of escape, he drops this, “Hey, you’re getting OLD!” bomb at a time when I don’t need it and can’t afford it. Plus I’ve been dealing with the depression of “springter”, as I’ve been calling it. One day it’s a beautiful spring day, all sunny and warm and the next we get a wintery mix of snow, sleet and freezing rain. My sinuses are a fucking mess and with every sniffle or sneeze, everyone looks at me like Typhoid Mary, “Holy shit… COVID!!!” They act like Pod People and I’m one of the normals. What the actual fuck, people. Calm the fuck down. With weather like this, what do you expect?! It seems the only place where I have spring actually showing up is in my Animal Crossing game. It’s a nice escape at the moment. At least I get to see green grass and leaves on trees…

Yeah, sorry, dear readers… I’m just going to spam you with cute video game screen shots today. I’m having difficulty trying to figure out how the fuck to see my laptop and what I’m typing as it is with these new glasses. I mean, I know where that midpoint line is, but I’m not used to keeping my head in such a position or my eyes in such a position to do this. So writing this is hard enough, let alone finding pictures for you right now. So sorry for the spam. And please forgive the typos of the blind…

Anyway… As I said, my birthday is coming up soon. My 49th… Ugh… That’s way too close to 50 for my comfort. So one day, while I was at my mother’s, I saw this top she was supposed to fix for my sister. It was definitely a clubbing top and so not her. Plus her fat ass couldn’t wear it, so I tried it on. It was definitely me and it fit except across my boobs, so some modifications need to me made. But where would I wear it? Then it dawned on me… One thing I’ve never done but have always wanted to do was go see male strippers. I invited my mother, who was surprisingly up for the idea. And, lucky for me, they’re having a local show the day after my birthday! But… I’m cancelling my plans… A few of the friends I invited, we have a mutual acquaintance that had flipped shit on me one day (this person is also bipolar) and they work with these friends. I was told, “You think they like you, but they don’t. They know who you really are and what you’re really like…” Yes, I’m sure they get that one sided view of me. And I feel as if I’m being gaslighted. Either way, the discussion was horrible enough that I don’t want to bother with a celebration anymore. I can’t trust that these people are really friends now…

I dress better in a fucking video game than real life…

Oh for Christ’s sake! I’m this far into my blog and I’m still having issues trying to get the hang of these midpoint bifocals! I feel like I’m retarded because I have to figure out how to see!

I’m also having issues with Morticia again… Sometimes she’s such an asshole because she always feels she has to be right. That in and of itself is annoying enough. Currently, however, it’s her self centeredness that’s driving me nuts. Late last week, her elderly neighbor’s trailer burned down. She lost everything and had no insurance (I have no idea why, homeowner’s insurance is rather cheap). So she wanted to collect things for this woman. I mentioned I had shirts and pants her size. My sister was actually kind enough to donate a lot of things she had as well, including leggins, shoes (she has smaller feet than me), brand new pack of underwear, shirts, all sorts of things. Morticia had actually said to me that she wanted to go through the things we both had because she might want the jeans I had and the leggins from my sister. You can go buy your own shit! This old woman is on disability and just lost everything she had plus her two cats, her home and her vehicle! I couldn’t believe such selfishness! So I told Morticia I would like to personally give this stuff to this woman so I can see her.

I really need spring to come… I need the therapy of digging in the dirt, planting flowers… And when spring comes, I always feel rejuvenated, as if I’m reborn when everything else is reborn as well. Maybe it’s because I’m an early April baby? My uncle feels the same and he was born at the end of April, so maybe it has to do with that month… I don’t know. But I feel my best in spring. And I need it so desperately right now. Everything has been going so wrong and I’m getting blindsided from every direction with things that are bad. I need something to make me feel good, even if it’s for a short while.

And I can tell ya, these glasses aren’t it! Well… they are and they aren’t. My distance vision actually got a tiny bit better, which is why I wasn’t seeing well, because my midpoint was getting worse. So I can see crystal clear with my distance and it’s nice having the non-prescription part of my bifocals so I don’t have to either pull down my glasses or take them off to read texts (I don’t need reading glasses). But this midpoint shit! I know it hasn’t been a full day, but I’m having a lot of trouble seeing while I’m typing and trying to keep this in the midpoint so it’s clear…

And, top top everything else off, I have no current means of relaxing and relieving stress…

My baby, Constantine, is sick… I don’t understand. I tuned him one week and he tuned perfectly (after I put a new battery in the built in tuner) and sounded beautiful as always. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to play him until the following week. Now, in the meantime, I keep him locked in his case, which isn’t one of those shitty soft ones. It’s a hard one which is a bit like carrying a heavy piece of luggage, but it protects him better. So I pulled him out, I tuned him up, but… something didn’t sound right when I tuned the A strings. The tuner told me both were perfect As, but my ears told me otherwise. I have perfect pitch, so I knew something was wrong. Eventually I said fuck it and moved on and figured I’d see what happened in the end. When I strummed them all, it made a hideous sound! I tried fucking with those A strings but to no avail, I still had this hideous sound. All the others are fine; it’s just the A strings. Now I need to take him in to have him looked at…

And this morning I received an infuriating email from Corel, the company that makes the art program I use. I’ve been trying to get this idiot technician named Raghu (I’m communicating with a jar of spaghetti sauce, that’s the problem) to understand the issues I’ve been having since downloading the upgrade to the program. He just kept giving me the same answers that didn’t help. They all did, actually… Yesterday, I explained I was frustrated and losing patience and perhaps they should pass my case over to someone who actually understood what my issue was because I was receiving poor technical and customer support (thanks, India) and received and email with the subject “Invalid Request”, the first line of which was: Thank you for reaching out to Corel. We would like to inform you that this email address isn’t maintained anymore. Well! Thanks for the ass fucking! Guess I need to find a new drawing program because I’m done with Corel!

Well holy shit… You get to see me again…

Oh, the cyber shadow shows her face again…

Albeit a bad selfie… I actually wasn’t wearing makeup at the time. I added it with an app so I wouldn’t scare the shit out of you. Sadly, there was nothing I could do with my hair. I really haven’t been caring much about my hair or makeup… or getting out of my pajamas… “Springter” has my sinuses in such an uproar that I look like I could be in that show The Walking Dead (no, I don’t like that show) without the use of the makeup department. One day it’s sunny and in the low 60s, the next it’s in the low 30s during the day and we’re getting snow! We just got about five inches over the weekend and today it’s supposed to be a high of 61! For the love of all that’s sinus related, pick a fucking season! Some days it’s so bad, I literally have to press so hard on my forehead to get the pain and pressure to stop! That’s why I’ve been slobbing it… But I wanted to show off my new glasses (they were actually sunglasses). And now I need to update my profile picture a bit. This should be fun…

My Muse Finally Woke From Her Long Slumber!

I’m not sure which muse it is because none of them preside over “art” specifically, rather “the arts”… Anyway, she finally decided to wake the fuck up, lazy bitch that she’s been… Or, to be more specific, I gave her a shove and pushed her the fuck out of bed. You see, I found a shop owner that loves my work and is happy to display it for sale, but I wanted to give her more than just one or two pieces. But the dry spell I was in wasn’t helping. That was when I decided to revamp some of my older works since I know I can do better now. I thought it might help get me going again. This was one of those works. I like it enough, but… I still think I can do better. I knew that was going to happen. My first piece diving back into the waters is always one I look at after I put all that hard work into it and say, “Meh…” So I’m sure I’ll revamp this again and again until I’m happy with it. But that’s okay! I have an excellent reason to revamp it again so soon…

I’ll try tp make a long story short… When I opened my program to revamp that drawing, I saw they had a deal to upgrade to the latest version for $148 (regular $229, so it was a good deal), but when I got to the website, it was $137! Even better! But I had to wait for the funds, so in the meantime, I downloaded the trial… Oh my god!!! Brushes they had omitted years back that I loved were back! New brushes and features I loved were added! I was positively giddy! I needed this upgrade! Sadly, by the time I had the money, I was literally a day or two too late. And Corel is not forgiving… The best they could do was knock $23 off the $229 normal upgrade cost. Ooh… could you be more generous?! And this woman, who could barely speak English, kept asking if I took a screen shot of the offer. What in the blue fuck does that matter?! If I’m calling you about it, I obviously saw it, moron! Well, that was too much money. I was so upset, I cried. I really wanted this upgrade, really wanted to stay inspired and create new and wild things again. The muse had woken and I didn’t want her nodding off again.

I had already moved onto a new drawing when all this was going on (the one here to the left) and I was so hoping to use some of the new brushes in Painter 2022 to finish it up, hence the reason for my sadness. Well… when I opened Painter 2021 the following day after all that bullshit with Corel, don’t I see that same message about upgrading for $148… Okay, my curiosity was piqued. I decided to click on the link and, sure enough, it was back down to $148. Good thing I didn’t take their offer the day before or I’d have been calling and raising Cain! So I jumped on the offer before anything else weird and stupid happened. When I was done purchasing it, I immediately started working on finishing my drawing. I think she turned out fairly nicely! And I think this one will sell well in the hippie-dippy shop I got to agree to display my work for me. I’ve been trying to think of some more new age/hippie concepts to draw so she can sell them there, but that’s not exactly easy. If I push my brain too hard, it’ll push back and give me nothing and I’ll be screwed. Like literally, it’ll give me absolutely nothing…

“Wear Your Love Like Heaven” (c) me, lyrics (c) Donovan

This was actually the drawing that started it all… I figured since I was in a hippie-dippy store, I should show her one of my hippie-dippy drawings. She absolutely loved it. I was going to put it on a stretched canvas, but then it stretched too much of the drawing around it and I don’t feel like fixing the issue. I also don’t have money to pay for prints on canvas right now, so I’m going to do framed posters. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having one of this one framed for myself. I’ve loved this one since the day I finished it. I think it will do really well there. I hope it will, anyway… I have to admit, I’m very frightened about having my work out for display. What if no one likes it? I’ll feel rejected and want to give up…

This is another one she seemed quite taken with, so I guess I’ll be making a print of her as well…

Still, I’m taking a huge risk, here… If no one likes my work or buys my work, that may be discouraging enough to make me stop creating art altogether. I can’t handle that… Art if life to me. It’s all I’ve ever known, all I’ve ever done. I’m miserable without it. I suppose that’s why I never took such a big risk before. But without risk, what do you have besides nothing? You have… well… nothing. So I guess I’m going to do this thing. I’m going to see if she can hang them right away once I get them done and down there, maybe get some pictures with my art… That sounds silly, but it’ll be the first time my work will be hanging on the wall of someplace for sale and that’s a pretty big deal for me. I think that at least calls for a picture, right? Right…? Well, either way, I shall keep you posted, dear readers. Please send positive vibes and thoughts. I’m going to need them. And look for shots of my ugly mug with my work in the near future…

I Do Believe My Cheese Has Slid Off My Cracker…

Raise your hand if you remember Bartok the bat from Anastasia! I still have a talking Bartok plush I got from… Pizza Hut? McDonald’s? I forget. But it was back when the movie first came out when I was in my early 20s. One of his lines is, “Stress… it’s a killer.” That one was always my favorite, but I don’t know why. It’s really not funny; it’s actually quite true. Although if it’s due to it raising your blood pressure I’ll be good. Mine has always been so low I’m practically a god damned corpse. And that’s with drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes…

I’m beginning to think Baxter is telling me something with that tongue…

I’ve been under a lot of stress for months (unfortunately it’s something I can’t discuss) and the pressure is starting to take a toll on both my physical and mental health. Like I’m beginning to wonder if Baxter is telling me off since he’s always sticking his tongue out at me…

On one particular day when I had a meltdown, I called my sister in tears. She’s good at listening and calming me down and we do that for each other. Anyway, after listening to me vent and relieving some stress, she asked if I thought it might help me if I got a job. Not for financial reasons, mind you, just so I’d have a sense of purpose. I reminded her I actually did get hired, at a record store. It would have been perfect. The employees, even ones older than me, knew so much less about music it was pathetic. But then I got sick and had to get a COVID test done. It was negative, but I was still pretty sick, so I quarantined just to be safe. When I was done with quarantine and I could start, my anxiety went berserk. That’s when I realized I’m not ready…

But it brought about a conversation the other day about what brings us purpose in our lives and I honestly couldn’t think of what would make me feel as if I had some. Then it dawned on me… I felt I had purpose when I would go sit in my little art corner at my drafting table and work on my comic. You’re probably wondering how I got any work done with all that mess… And these are really old pictures! It got much more cluttered… And there are a few of me, selfies I took when I was working just for shits and giggles. Man, do I love those red shades. I don’t get to wear them since I need my glasses to see distance, but I can see fine close up and decided to put them on. And I was wearing my favorite Poison shirt that belonged to my bestie M&M (yes, I still have that since high school). It’s one of my favorite selfies for some reason.

It’s been such a long time since I sat in my little art corner… Now my drafting table is just something I throw shit on. It’s lost its purpose much as I’ve lost mine. That’s really sad, actually…

And the thing is, it’s not that I couldn’t clean off all the junk I’ve piled up on top of it, sit my ass down and start working again. I could… But the problem isn’t just the space itself. The problem is me…

Granted, even when I wasn’t on my meds, I had issues. If I was too manic or too depressed, either no ideas would come to mind or I couldn’t manifest them correctly because they weren’t clear enough images in my mind. But when I’m on my meds, well… They really fuck with your head, you know? I mean, yeah, I’m feeling better most of the time. But the trade off is a rather high price. I seem to lose all my inspiration completely. I literally haven’t sat at my drafting table in probably about five years or more. Worse, the only digital art I’ve done in those five years were mostly self portraits with a few random drawings thrown in here and there. And still, no matter what I did, my supposed friends on Facepuke couldn’t be bothered to hit that like button and out of all the intricate shit I drew, it was a My Little Pony drawing that had the most likes. What the fuck… Makes you want to give it all up, so I did…

Ditty-bopping and hanging out with my favorite guy, Punchy

And just to drive home the point that your life is pathetic, meaningless and you have no purpose, you find yourself getting excited when you’re playing Animal Crossing and your favorite villager shows up to visit your house for the first time. Yup… My cheese has finally slid off my cracker, dear readers… Of course I’m not alone in this. I spam my mother with some of these screenshots, so I texted her the last one and told her Punchy came to visit and she replied, “Looks like you had a good time.” Um… alrighty then…!

To be fair, my visit with Punchy was actually just what I needed. I know, that sounds really stupid and childish. But there’s a reason he’s my favorite character. He’s the only one who runs around my island almost constantly playing airplane with his arms out and the biggest smile on his face. And he says the weirdest things that make me laugh my ass off. That particular day he was commenting on my chairs and said he tends to get too comfortable in chairs and his legs fall asleep which is how he got stuck on the toilet for a week… I just stared at the dialogue on my screen for a second or two, then burst out laughing. I’m not sure why toilet humor is funny, but it is. And I needed that laugh.

Yes, I did all this work for a dumb reason…

And since I’m pathetic anyway and seemingly without purpose… I decided to create one that’s totally stupid and bat shit insane…

So I watch a lot of YouTube videos created by people who visit other people’s islands and do a walkthrough to showcase them. In the game, you have a dream address, which means you can save the way your island looks at a certain time of day during a certain season. People can visit anytime, not just when you allow them entrance and they can’t mess with your stuff or ruin your flowers, shit like that. Anyway, these YouTube people find islands to visit by seeing pictures on certain social media and one thing that really seems to catch their eye are custom maps. So I took a screenshot of my island map and colored over it, marking certain particular sites of interest and created a walkthrough guide. I also took a shit ton of pictures from all over my island. Now I have to create certain accounts again (since I deleted mine) so I can showcase all my pictures in the hope that someone will want to do a video on my island. I realize how sad that sounds… And in all honesty, my island is nothing spectacular in comparison to the ones I see in these videos. But it would make me feel like I accomplished something and I need the ego boost right now. Besides… I’ve spent so many hours playing this fucking game, a little recognition would be nice is all.

I have an appointment with my shrink today… I’m feeling a bit apprehensive about going. He’s not like most shrinks who spend about two seconds with you to find out if your meds are helping, adjust if necessary then send you on your way. Oh no, we actually talk… I think they should talk to you, but right now I’m not sure I want to tell him what’s been on my mind. I don’t even want to know what’s been on my mind lately…

Stop The World; I Want To Get Off…

Have you ever seen these works by Toby Allen…? He made a plethora of them for all manor of mental disorders and they are absolutely brilliant. The drawings and descriptions perfectly depict whatever disorder they’re describing. Some are deceptively cute, like this little guy, here. He’s the one currently plaguing me to the point where I’m actually making myself physically sick. The last time I got this bad, I ended up in the psych ward at the hospital and I’m not doing that again. It’s pointless, really. Your problems are still there…

My new glasses, a gift from my villager Shino

The thing about the psych unit… It just sucks. I don’t know how it is everywhere, but the one I was in was awful. I was nearing 41 at the time, yet I was being treated like a toddler who was in prison. I couldn’t have a pen because it was dangerous… Yeah, because clearly I couldn’t take out someone’s jugular or an eye with one of those little golf pencils they had us use with much more ease than I would a piece of fucking plastic… No iPods, no stuffed animals even if they were brand new from the store because they had a case of bed bugs once. So I had no comfort whatsoever. And then there was Nurse Ratchet… Literally, the woman screamed at you for no reason. It was like being in the 7th circle of Hell. I think that’s where the creepy masks in this picture came from… In any case, I eventually flipped shit because of all that after I’d been there two days and hadn’t even seen a doctor. I was just given pills and was told to take them. Nice… And when I was finally released, I came home and found that all my problems, stresses, fears and anxieties were all here to throw me a welcome home party. It was such a great time… I actually didn’t feel better until after the two week outpatient program. But the point is, I can feel my anxiety spiraling out of control again and I don’t want to end up back in the whacky ward in that same scenario.

One day, while taking down Christmas decorations, I had to crawl under the tree and realized why the animals liked it under there. It looked really cool! And it was kind of cozy, actually, as if it were a nice place to hide. I thought that would be fun for a child to do and wondered if I’d ever done that as a child, but I couldn’t remember. That seemed to set me off and I spent about a half hour under the tree crying hysterically because I couldn’t remember something so simple. I remember everything! When I mentioned this to my mother yesterday, even she agreed I remember everything and she told me I used to play in a little empty spot behind the tree. But I don’t remember that…

That’s when you find yourself so troubled that you decide to make a vacation home in your game for the dick-nosed, rug selling Saharah. Since she’s a specialty character, I got to pick the theme and name it which is when it hit me… “Midnight At The Oasis” like the old 70s song because, you know “Send your camel to bed…” Get it…? You don’t get it….

Sesshomaru vs Condor Joe… Who will win…?

And then you find yourself setting up some of your favorite Funko Pop! figures against your new blanket that looks eerily like the carpet in The Shining like they’re about to do battle… Probably because the transmission that is your mind is starting to slip a little from all the stress and anxiety lately… And I’ve always taken to heart one of Captain Kirk’s lines in a particular episode of Star Trek: “The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.” It’s true, actually… Try it the next time you feel stressed or anxious. Play a game, play with toys, go to Walmart and get yelled at for having a lightsaber battle with someone in the store (I did that once). It’s good therapy.

I think a great deal of this stress and anxiety started when Penny went into the hospital and it hit its peak when I attended her viewing. I wasn’t going to go because I was concerned it might make my anxiety worse, but I was talked into it. I should have listened to myself… Not seeing her still allowed me that ability, however so slight, to think that COVID wasn’t a killer. Now I’m more terrified than I was when she died to leave my house and I feel like hosing down everything in Lysol… or bleach… or kerosene and a match… I don’t know, whatever the fuck will kill this damned virus. Paranoia is setting in and it’s not fun, let me tell you, dear readers…

They’re starting to talk like me. Creepy…

Penny’s viewing, however, seems to be only a portion of my issues, however. I also have Morticia constantly calling me to freak the fuck out and dump all her shit in my lap when she causes most of her problems herself. That seems to be a big part of the problem… Every time I talk to her, I literally either have an anxiety attack, burst into tears when I get off the phone with her because I feel overwhelmed or I end up getting physically sick because I just can’t handle any more bullshit than I’m already facing in my own life.

“Hi, I’d like to talk to you about how to get your mommy to dress you funny…”

And there’s a loved one I’m concerned about… Said person is bipolar like myself and also suffers anxiety, albeit not as bad as my own. But this person refuses to take meds as they do tend to alter your thinking in negative ways (I myself have found myself less creative on my meds). So this person smokes pot. Hey, I’m all for it! I self medicated with it back in the day and this person is no longer a monster but the sweet person they once were. But now they’re moving onto ‘shrooms and having bad trips and I worry something bad will happen.

I know I can’t control other people and their actions, but I also can’t handle this amount of stress and anxiety. It’s not healthy for me.

Please send some good, healing vibes, dear readers… I seriously need them right now. Or if you have any tips on stress relief other than going off grid or going postal, I’d really love to hear them. At this point I’ve pretty much run out of ideas and things that have worked before aren’t working… I feel so lost and alone…